V
veroniac
Guest
hi, i’m new here. for the sake of my sanity and humanity, i’m trying to get my feet back on the ground. i don’t know if this is confession or not. it probably is.
okay, start with when i was a kid, when i was 7 (i am now 28). i did a mistake but i accused my brother of my mistake; he got hit by my mom instead (with rattan). he didn’t tell mom that it was my mistake, and i didn’t come forward to admit it. i think that was the first time i realize it was a sin. my head suddenly ache and my heart filled with darkness?? like there’s an evil voice laughing in the back of my head. but something in my heart tells me to just go forward and admit my mistake. it was yelling so loud! but somehow i refuse to follow that voice. but i knew that voice was right… so it was like i was in conflict with myself.
but then the event passed. from what i seen i guess my brother has forgiven me, as afterward, he talk & play with me like usual, he even loves me more. my mother didn’t know that it was actually my mistake (until months ago i tell her about the event, i don’t know if she’d care about it again or not). i took it by heart and only acknowledge it by heart that i was very wrong to have accused others of my own mistake. i became a bit gloomy and withdrew myself and observe more than do the right things for fear of doing mistakes and accusing other people again (a.k.a. being even more introverted. i think i’m already an introverted person as i see myself very different from others).
years went by, then i went to high school (10th grade). i just went to this Catholic school (the school is actually very good) for the first few days. then i spout a wrong word (it’s actually a ridiculous nickname) to a newly acquainted friend. this friend, probably to her own amusement, went to introduce me to so many other friends with this ridiculous nickname. i became a little bit panicked and i acknowledged it half-heartedly that it was my nickname to other friend who seriously ask me if it was really my name? i was like swallowing it all in a repulsive reaction to myself and to her. and then i accuse again (for the 2nd time after the 1st accusation to my brother) this newly acquainted friend of mine. i was so upset that day that i went home and having bad mood. but the problem is, half of the class keep calling me with that ridiculous name without them knowing it’s upsetting me very much and i became so upset with myself and her to the point i can’t socialize normally. i think i became even more introverted than before that i want to hide myself and live in a cave instead.
the name keeps on until i went to college (because i met a few friends from high school who knew me by that name) that i became used to it but somehow i became dull and numb.
personally i don’t really care anymore, but when my friends go to my house, and they call me with that name, it’s my family that has problem with it. but i’m still with my own stubborn stance of being silence and that there’s no need to explain anything even though the world is falling apart!
as about the accusing part, i’ve tried to talk to myself and read countless writings just to be at peace with myself. it works, but sometimes the feeling of guilt recur. maybe because i’ve drawn back too much that i’m too upset with myself that i rarely meet people even my own family… i even rarely talk with them for so many… years… i’m just being silent at home, when my mother actually really needs a daughter who could help her in all her difficulties (she’s schizophrenic btw). i feel really indifferent (even deliberately) to all my social needs, and the people who needs me… all because of the feeling of upset! my mother’s schizophrenic got even worse, my family falling apart, i think i’m so numb i don’t even go to seek for help. because of i don’t know… what? maybe because i think that i can handle everything alone! (out of madness this way of thinking appears i guess…)
what i want to ask is: is there a way to redeem indifference? as it has and still happening ever since 13 years ago? this is tooo funny, ridiculous, and absurd i know, but i just feel so lost. that i’m still very very very upset with myself. i don’t really know… i think i’m actually gave up already.
oh btw, i’m not Catholic, although i once want to be a Catholic because it seems more structured than all the other vagueness denominations of Protestants.
i don’t know if this is sincere or not, i’m trying to. i think my personality has become sarcastic, or i don’t know maybe i’m already like this since birth
okay, start with when i was a kid, when i was 7 (i am now 28). i did a mistake but i accused my brother of my mistake; he got hit by my mom instead (with rattan). he didn’t tell mom that it was my mistake, and i didn’t come forward to admit it. i think that was the first time i realize it was a sin. my head suddenly ache and my heart filled with darkness?? like there’s an evil voice laughing in the back of my head. but something in my heart tells me to just go forward and admit my mistake. it was yelling so loud! but somehow i refuse to follow that voice. but i knew that voice was right… so it was like i was in conflict with myself.
but then the event passed. from what i seen i guess my brother has forgiven me, as afterward, he talk & play with me like usual, he even loves me more. my mother didn’t know that it was actually my mistake (until months ago i tell her about the event, i don’t know if she’d care about it again or not). i took it by heart and only acknowledge it by heart that i was very wrong to have accused others of my own mistake. i became a bit gloomy and withdrew myself and observe more than do the right things for fear of doing mistakes and accusing other people again (a.k.a. being even more introverted. i think i’m already an introverted person as i see myself very different from others).
years went by, then i went to high school (10th grade). i just went to this Catholic school (the school is actually very good) for the first few days. then i spout a wrong word (it’s actually a ridiculous nickname) to a newly acquainted friend. this friend, probably to her own amusement, went to introduce me to so many other friends with this ridiculous nickname. i became a little bit panicked and i acknowledged it half-heartedly that it was my nickname to other friend who seriously ask me if it was really my name? i was like swallowing it all in a repulsive reaction to myself and to her. and then i accuse again (for the 2nd time after the 1st accusation to my brother) this newly acquainted friend of mine. i was so upset that day that i went home and having bad mood. but the problem is, half of the class keep calling me with that ridiculous name without them knowing it’s upsetting me very much and i became so upset with myself and her to the point i can’t socialize normally. i think i became even more introverted than before that i want to hide myself and live in a cave instead.
the name keeps on until i went to college (because i met a few friends from high school who knew me by that name) that i became used to it but somehow i became dull and numb.
personally i don’t really care anymore, but when my friends go to my house, and they call me with that name, it’s my family that has problem with it. but i’m still with my own stubborn stance of being silence and that there’s no need to explain anything even though the world is falling apart!
as about the accusing part, i’ve tried to talk to myself and read countless writings just to be at peace with myself. it works, but sometimes the feeling of guilt recur. maybe because i’ve drawn back too much that i’m too upset with myself that i rarely meet people even my own family… i even rarely talk with them for so many… years… i’m just being silent at home, when my mother actually really needs a daughter who could help her in all her difficulties (she’s schizophrenic btw). i feel really indifferent (even deliberately) to all my social needs, and the people who needs me… all because of the feeling of upset! my mother’s schizophrenic got even worse, my family falling apart, i think i’m so numb i don’t even go to seek for help. because of i don’t know… what? maybe because i think that i can handle everything alone! (out of madness this way of thinking appears i guess…)
what i want to ask is: is there a way to redeem indifference? as it has and still happening ever since 13 years ago? this is tooo funny, ridiculous, and absurd i know, but i just feel so lost. that i’m still very very very upset with myself. i don’t really know… i think i’m actually gave up already.
oh btw, i’m not Catholic, although i once want to be a Catholic because it seems more structured than all the other vagueness denominations of Protestants.
i don’t know if this is sincere or not, i’m trying to. i think my personality has become sarcastic, or i don’t know maybe i’m already like this since birth
