M
Mark86
Guest
I’m coming off a period of total self-destruction. I lapsed very far in the last couple weeks into my sexual addiction. Sin upon sin. I just lay in bed last sunday saying to myself “What have I done? What have I done?” It was Divine Mercy Sunday and I didn’t even bother going. The reason is I had stayed up until 7am that morning masturbating, porn, scandalizing others in IM chats, and the whole works. It was terrible. I felt terrible. I didn’t go to church because I had to be up in a few hours to go to work…etc. All these classic signs of addiction.
I came home from work that night and lay down in the grass outside begging for mercy. I broke out in tears. I thrashed around in the grass, begging Jesus to heal me, “Lord have mercy, I’m sick, you can heal me… I trust in you…” I said it every possible way you can say it. I said it over and over. I was in tears, mucus falling out… I was clawing at the grass, I was ripping up dirt. I was in such utter turmoil out there. I rolled over on my back and I got this inspiration from my scripture reading, “If I heal you, you must speak of what I’ve done for you.” I said “Lord, I will, for your glory be it done!!!” … I was desperate. Then I got a second one, “I’ve given you the victory.” Once again, like something out of scripture.
Then I got an inspiration to go in the house and go directly to bed, and immediately what came to mind was God “causing Adam to fall into a deep sleep” from Genesis. “I’ve given this night to you for rest.” So I said “Yes Lord” and I dutifully went in and went to bed. No dinner. No computer. Nothing. I went right to bed. I slept for 12 hours. I got up and I heard “you must confess today.” So I ran off to confession. The whole way I was saying “Lord I trust you”, and all I heard was “I’ve given you the victory” … to which my response was always “for your glory be it done.” …etc.
At Confession, I gave my litany of sins, and the priest told me about how St. Francis of Assisi used to roll in the thorn bushes when he was tempted with sins of the flesh as an act of mortification. The priest gave me absolution and assigned a penance of morning prayer against temptation for the next few days.
I’m willing to do the same as St. Francis of Assisi. Should I undertake inducing physical pains when tempted?
I came home from work that night and lay down in the grass outside begging for mercy. I broke out in tears. I thrashed around in the grass, begging Jesus to heal me, “Lord have mercy, I’m sick, you can heal me… I trust in you…” I said it every possible way you can say it. I said it over and over. I was in tears, mucus falling out… I was clawing at the grass, I was ripping up dirt. I was in such utter turmoil out there. I rolled over on my back and I got this inspiration from my scripture reading, “If I heal you, you must speak of what I’ve done for you.” I said “Lord, I will, for your glory be it done!!!” … I was desperate. Then I got a second one, “I’ve given you the victory.” Once again, like something out of scripture.
Then I got an inspiration to go in the house and go directly to bed, and immediately what came to mind was God “causing Adam to fall into a deep sleep” from Genesis. “I’ve given this night to you for rest.” So I said “Yes Lord” and I dutifully went in and went to bed. No dinner. No computer. Nothing. I went right to bed. I slept for 12 hours. I got up and I heard “you must confess today.” So I ran off to confession. The whole way I was saying “Lord I trust you”, and all I heard was “I’ve given you the victory” … to which my response was always “for your glory be it done.” …etc.
At Confession, I gave my litany of sins, and the priest told me about how St. Francis of Assisi used to roll in the thorn bushes when he was tempted with sins of the flesh as an act of mortification. The priest gave me absolution and assigned a penance of morning prayer against temptation for the next few days.
I’m willing to do the same as St. Francis of Assisi. Should I undertake inducing physical pains when tempted?
