Infatuation (HELP ME!)

[Job42]

I need some serious straight-shooting ASAP. To be blunt, I have an infatuation with an underage young lady (17 yrs old), and I am 30 years old. She is a coworker of mine. She is such a sweetheart, the likes of which I have rarely if ever seen before. She is so genuinely nice and joyful to everyone at work (and very beautiful too). I have only recently become infatuated with her because I have reason to believe she has the same feelings toward me. Up until about 5 weeks ago (give or take a week) she and I hadn’t spoken much. But then she started to say hi to me a lot, smile at me, be nice to me and talk to me more. Then last week I and some coworkers were talking along with her. She inquired about my ethnicity, and I replied that I was biracial (White/Black). (She is biracial (White/Black) as well.) She reacted with much surprise (it is not uncommon for people to mistake me for a Latino, and there are several Mexicans who work there). She asked me a couple of personal questions later that day. Also that day, along with today she has been even nicer to me. Believe me, I am not normally the kind of guy who is all delusional about being God’s gift to women or something. On the contrary, I usually have to double-check with a male bystander to make sure I am reading a woman’s signals correctly (although I did this with one of my coworkers today and he believes she is just being nice).

Obviously she needs to know how old I am (I am not 100% sure that she doesn’t already know). Once she does, she will almost certainly lose interest rather quickly. But how do I let her know? If I just talk to her directly about it and I am reading her wrong, she might complain to the boss and I would be in some real hot water. Or what if she doesn’t care about the age difference? I never thought in a million years I would be in this position, but I am actually thinking about waiting for her to get a little older. It’s not like I would start dating her at her 18th birthday. My plan (I can’t believe I have this all planned out!) is that I would ask her to go and live her young life (I have heard that she will be going away for college) for a year or two and contact me after that in the slim chance that she is still interested in me.

My mind is going in a million directions. I know this is an infatuation that will probably pass in due time, but in the present moment it is all I can think about. Thank you anyone for reading this and thank you in advance for some real straight-talking advice and for not judging me. If nothing else this is just a vent and maybe people with cool heads can help me further realize that this is nothing more than a passing obsession.

Oh, and also I forgot to mention two things: First is that I am pretty sure she doesn’t know I am Catholic. I don’t talk about my faith to most of my coworkers (I know that is bad, but that is another issue entirely). Second is she doesn’t know about my mental illness. So fire away. Thank you.

 

[Qoeleth]

Sure. It’s natural, if she is attractive. But, very important, you must not act on it in any way- even if you think you are just buying her a friendly cup of coffee or something. You should do your best not to think about it. In fact, if you are older she may be even more attracted to you, so don’t go acting like her ‘grandfather’ to convince her that you are not suitable. Just be yourself.

It will probably pass. OR she will turn 18, and then you can ask her out.

To some extent, you cannot control your feeling, but you can control your actions.

 

[Steady_Eddy]

I was 60 years old on the 9th February just gone, and I still get very embarrassed myself concerning women less than half my age.

The difficulty is nobody believes me when I tell them how old I am. On two occasions in recent times I’ve had to produce my birth cert. On one of those occasions a Romanian girl living locally (again less than half my age) suggested that the birth cert wasn’t mine at all.

Anyway, you are still a very young man, but the girl is way too young to make up her mind yet. Women of all ages love to be admired, but loyalty is something else.

And one thing I’ve learned studying others over the years is that some people burn themselves out in various ways and are old at 40, others, dare I say, like myself, are still quite young at 60. Some years down the road your age differences might not seem so great. And a really sensible woman I think would have no problem choosing an older man for a husband.

2 Cor 13:13
Eddy Barry

 

[Irishmom2]

My plan (I can’t believe I have this all planned out!) is that I would ask her to go and live her young life (I have heard that she will be going away for college) for a year or two and contact me after that in the slim chance that she is still interested in me.

My mind is going in a million directions. I know this is an infatuation that will probably pass in due time, but in the present moment it is all I can think about.

That is why it is infatuation. Get a hobby, seek out friends or try online dating. But do not pursue this young girl or encourage her in any way.

She really does not need you to tell her to go live her young life. It is not necessary, and not your place to do so. So please keep your infatuation to yourself. You are a grown man and she is an underage girl who has the rest of her life ahead of her. She does not need to know you are waiting there in the wings with the slim chance that she will be interested in you when she gets back from college years from now.

Get on with your own life.

 

[Parce_Domine]

This will probably seem harsh.
Let me point out the obvious. At seventeen, she is still not an adult. Even at eighteen, she will still have a lot of growing up to do. I suggest you do nothing at all but continue to be her friend at work ONLY. She doesn’t need to know you’re infatuated with her.
Let her go on with her life and you go on with yours. Do NOT offer to write or call while she is at college, and do not give her contact information for you. Do not tell her how you feel. She can go on with her life without needing to be told, and she doesn’t need to know a grown man is thinking about her while she’s dealing with college.
You know this is infatuation, and that it will pass. Allow it to pass, do nothing to encourage a relationship, and say nothing about your feelings to her or anyone else at work. Just let it pass and let her go without knowing you were infatuated.

 

[1ke]

You reference a mental illness, please talk to your counselor or therapist about this.

You recognize it is infatuation, which is good. What you do is NOTHING. You do not execute your “plan”. You walk away from it.

 

[Job42]

That is why it is infatuation. Get a hobby, seek out friends or try online dating. But do not pursue this young girl or encourage her in any way.

She really does not need you to tell her to go live her young life. It is not necessary, and not your place to do so. So please keep your infatuation to yourself. You are a grown man and she is an underage girl who has the rest of her life ahead of her. She does not need to know you are waiting there in the wings with the slim chance that she will be interested in you when she gets back from college years from now.

Get on with your own life.

This will probably seem harsh.
Let me point out the obvious. At seventeen, she is still not an adult. Even at eighteen, she will still have a lot of growing up to do. I suggest you do nothing at all but continue to be her friend at work ONLY. She doesn’t need to know you’re infatuated with her.
Let her go on with her life and you go on with yours. Do NOT offer to write or call while she is at college, and do not give her contact information for you. Do not tell her how you feel. She can go on with her life without needing to be told, and she doesn’t need to know a grown man is thinking about her while she’s dealing with college.
You know this is infatuation, and that it will pass. Allow it to pass, do nothing to encourage a relationship, and say nothing about your feelings to her or anyone else at work. Just let it pass and let her go without knowing you were infatuated.

You reference a mental illness, please talk to your counselor or therapist about this.

You recognize it is infatuation, which is good. What you do is NOTHING. You do not execute your “plan”. You walk away from it.

I may be wrong but I think my feelings for her are pure. I have not dwelt on any impure thoughts about her (although she is pretty), only thought about her a lot and how sweet she is. I am not (at least I don’t think I am) the stereotypical “dirty old man.” I don’t really think I have had any mortally sinful problems in the lust area at all for a while. I am worried that she is going to go to a liberal college and get her mind poisoned by the professors and her heart poisoned by some punk frat boy or boys. She will always be a sweetheart but I don’t want life to crush her spirit the way it has done to me (although at a younger age than college). Even if I will not be the one for her I want to impart some of the wisdom I have learned from those wiser than me. I want to share the Gospel with her. And if she were to offer to keep in touch with me, I would like to give her my contact information with no strings attached (after she turns 18) but I wouldn’t initiate the offer. It is true that that may become a distraction for her, but she will likely have many distractions at college due to being a very sociable and likeable young lady.

This all may be over anyway. The last time we worked together I came into the store and she was sitting with her high school friends (it was before her shift started). Again she gave me a smile and a pleasant greeting. I felt very awkward because of her friends and so I gave her a half-smile and a quick wave. The whole rest of the day was a lot like many weeks ago: we barely spoke to one another and made little eye contact (although we work in different areas of the store). I tried my best to be myself around her like one poster mentioned but it was difficult for me to do. If this continues she will most likely move on and all this drama will be over, which is good. Also there is still the possibility that I am totally misinterpreting the whole thing.

So I guess I am now wondering if my motivations make any difference or if I need to back off regardless. I think my infatuation has diminished since I posted my OP, and I think I can let her go if it becomes clear to me that that it is the only good option. I know I sound kind of pathetic. I have only begun being interested in dating maybe 3 months ago after not trying for a long time (and even before that my history with the opposite sex was almost non-existant). I was on hiatus for so long because one of my absolute greatest fears is marrying and having kids and not raising my kids right or being a good husband to my wife. Thanks for helping a foolish young man out.

 

[Job42]

I think what she likes about me is that she sees some level of purity and innocence in me that is lacking in others at work and maybe in her male friends in school. NOT that I am a saint or anything. I have huge deficiencies like my lack of fortitude and my self-centeredness and self-pity.

 

[Steady_Eddy]

Hello again,

I don’t know what hiatus is, but it seems I was right in thinking your so-called mental illness is not something very serious at all, you write very coherently and that’s usually a good sign. Nevertheless though, worrying, or pining over a certain individual could exasperate, or bring on a whole host of problems, so be careful about that.

You remind me a little of myself when I was much younger. Best thing I ever done back then was taking to daily Meditation/Rosary and Mass in a big way. I will pray for you and the young girl also.

2 Cor 13:13
Eddy Barry

 

[jumpfrog]

Another perspective…

I have had several female friends who had had older boyfriends when they were in their late teens…a similar age gap to the one you describe. These friends, years later, were furious and embarrassed at themselves for allowing themselves to be involved with a much older guy at that age. When they were young, they thought it was great, but as they grew up, they realised the many negative ways these relationships affected them.

An age gap in itself is not such a big deal, except when one person is emerging from adolescence. I say…look her up in ten years, then see what the situation is, if you are both still single.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

**I think what she likes about me is that she sees some level of purity and innocence in me that is lacking in others at work and maybe in her male friends in school. NOT that I am a saint or anything. **

Job42 this sort of thinking is not helpful to your situation. Do not encourage such fantasies no matter how much they mean to you. Deep down we all know this is only wishful thinking. If you are strong now the pain of inevitable “rejection” (yes the balloon will eventually burst in subtle or obvious ways) will be much easier to get over. Be strong!

So I guess I am now wondering if my motivations make any difference or if I need to back off regardless.

Correct, you need to back off. Your motivations are of no relevence and there can be no purity because this is infatuation. The two don’t stay bedfellows for long, deep down we all know that who have been where you are. So do you. Let me repeat that, you need to back off as you say. Be strong now to avoid pain later. You can do it.

** I think my infatuation has diminished since I posted my OP, and I think I can let her go if it becomes clear to me that that it is the only good option. **

Job42 you asked for straight talking presumably because you feel you have lost objectivity. Letting her go (that should really be leaving her alone) IS the only good option for you. There will be a miss right for you - just be patient.

 

[Job42]

I think I have found a very good priest who will be my new spiritual director. We had our first appointment yesterday. He struck me as a very peaceful man with a soft heart yet not afraid to tell me what I don’t want to hear (not that common of a combination, I have noticed). (I have a hard time trusting priests. Granted, I have a hard time trusting anyone but I hold priests to a higher standard.) He will be helping me discern my vocation and assisting with other issues. Thanks to his advice and the advice I have received in this thread, I have resolved to try my best to treat her as a work friend only and not give her my contact information, even after she turns 18. I am going to try to make this my final answer and not waffle over this any further. But I am still wondering if it would be okay to have some personal conversations with her about faith and life (like during a work break or before or after my or her shift, but still in the building). I care about her wellbeing and about the fact that she is probably going to a liberal college (I know she is going off to college but I don’t know which one).

This has been surreal. I am still dumbfounded that such an amazing young woman would even look twice at me.

 

[FSGRY]

LOLhttp://www.50centloseweight.com

 

[Catholic80]

It sounds like she is just being friendly. Sometimes there are truly genuine, nice, caring people out there who are a joy to be around. It’s understandable that you’d be attracted to that.

That said, addressing the age difference. In terms of history, your age difference isn’t that shocking. Mary and Joseph had a huge age difference, I am pretty sure (SOMEONE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG - I don’t want to put false information out there) And throughout history, it was very common for men to be much older than women in marriage. Even in the Jane Austin Novels, Sense and Sensibility for example, the Colonel was much older than Marian, who was but a teen…

Today’s society, however, that age discrepancy is looked down upon, and there are social reasons why… and they are good reasons. Back in the day, it was more a matter of survival. Now, people emotionally mature much later and there are social reasons why it would be imprudent to date or marry someone much younger.

Don’t beat yourself up too much for having the attraction, but don’t fantasize or dwell on it either! You want to keep yourself out of the near occasion of sin, so you might want to avoid her as much as possible, within reason.

 

[fbl9]

Job 42
When is your birthday? let her no and brag about being an old foggie.
Let’s face it when you was of that age, was marriage the first thing on your mind. Nope, going places and other activities were.
She’s young and apt to flit off on adventures.
Also remember how long time seemed when we were younger.

 

[E_7]

I think I have found a very good priest who will be my new spiritual director. We had our first appointment yesterday. He will be helping me discern my vocation and assisting with other issues. Thanks to his advice and the advice I have received in this thread, I have resolved to try my best to treat her as a work friend only and not give her my contact information, even after she turns 18. I am going to try to make this my final answer and not waffle over this any further. But I am still wondering if it would be okay to have some personal conversations with her about faith and life (like during a work break or before or after my or her shift, but still in the building). I care about her wellbeing and about the fact that she is probably going to a liberal college (I know she is going off to college but I don’t know which one).

This has been surreal. I am still dumbfounded that such an amazing young woman would even look twice at me.

My dad is 15 years older than my mom and they’re still in love with eachother.
So, don’t hold back just because of the age gap, go for it but slowly. Let her know you’re interested but at the same time that you want what’s best for her. Let her enjoy her time with her friends and college, and be patient. Like a dear friend of mine says “If it’s God’s Will, it will happen.” if not, good, because it will be God’s Will. Whatever you do, have no regrets when you’re old.

You can start talking spiritual topics, and let her know a little bit more about you too!

Ask the Holy Spirit to lead the way, to guide you.

[SIGN]God Bless![/SIGN]

 

[Job42]

OR she will turn 18, and then you can ask her out.

please keep your infatuation to yourself

Some years down the road your age differences might not seem so great. And a really sensible woman I think would have no problem choosing an older man for a husband.

What you do is NOTHING. You do not execute your “plan”. You walk away from it.

I say…look her up in ten years, then see what the situation is, if you are both still single.

Correct, you need to back off

So, don’t hold back just because of the age gap, go for it but slowly.

:banghead: :crying:

 

[E_7]

:banghead: :crying:

Trust God only, and move according to His Will. Pray for guidance.
*
O Raphael, lead us towards those we are waiting for, those who are
waiting for us! Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand
towards those we are looking for! May all our movements, all their
movements, be guided by your Light and transfigured by your joy.

Angel guide of Tobias, lay the request we now address to you at the feet
of Him on whose unveiled Face you are privileged to gaze. Lonely and
tired, crushed by the separations and sorrows of earth, we feel the need
of calling to you and of pleading for the protection of your wings, so
that we may not be as strangers in the Province of Joy, all ignorant of
the concerns of our country.

Remember the weak, you who are strong–you whose home lies beyond the
region of thunder, in a land that is always peaceful, always serene, and
bright with the resplendent glory of God.
Amen.*

 

[Uzziah1]

I need some serious straight-shooting ASAP. To be blunt, I have an infatuation with an underage young lady (17 yrs old), and I am 30 years old. She is a coworker of mine. She is such a sweetheart, the likes of which I have rarely if ever seen before. She is so genuinely nice and joyful to everyone at work (and very beautiful too). I have only recently become infatuated with her because I have reason to believe she has the same feelings toward me. Up until about 5 weeks ago (give or take a week) she and I hadn’t spoken much. But then she started to say hi to me a lot, smile at me, be nice to me and talk to me more. Then last week I and some coworkers were talking along with her. She inquired about my ethnicity, and I replied that I was biracial (White/Black). (She is biracial (White/Black) as well.) She reacted with much surprise (it is not uncommon for people to mistake me for a Latino, and there are several Mexicans who work there). She asked me a couple of personal questions later that day. Also that day, along with today she has been even nicer to me. Believe me, I am not normally the kind of guy who is all delusional about being God’s gift to women or something. On the contrary, I usually have to double-check with a male bystander to make sure I am reading a woman’s signals correctly (although I did this with one of my coworkers today and he believes she is just being nice).

Obviously she needs to know how old I am (I am not 100% sure that she doesn’t already know). Once she does, she will almost certainly lose interest rather quickly. But how do I let her know? If I just talk to her directly about it and I am reading her wrong, she might complain to the boss and I would be in some real hot water. Or what if she doesn’t care about the age difference? I never thought in a million years I would be in this position, but I am actually thinking about waiting for her to get a little older. It’s not like I would start dating her at her 18th birthday. My plan (I can’t believe I have this all planned out!) is that I would ask her to go and live her young life (I have heard that she will be going away for college) for a year or two and contact me after that in the slim chance that she is still interested in me.

My mind is going in a million directions. I know this is an infatuation that will probably pass in due time, but in the present moment it is all I can think about. Thank you anyone for reading this and thank you in advance for some real straight-talking advice and for not judging me. If nothing else this is just a vent and maybe people with cool heads can help me further realize that this is nothing more than a passing obsession.

Oh, and also I forgot to mention two things: First is that I am pretty sure she doesn’t know I am Catholic. I don’t talk about my faith to most of my coworkers (I know that is bad, but that is another issue entirely). Second is she doesn’t know about my mental illness. So fire away. Thank you.

Congratulations.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

:banghead: :crying:

I had a brief look at some of your other posts, and found out you have paranoid schizophrenia. However you claim it is kept under pretty good control via a mix of pharmaceutical products, and no doubt some good psychiatric and spiritual support.

No doubt this has significatnly affected your life, including your dating prospects. Others have probably been wary of you, and you’ve probably been wary of relationships.

Which is why you need to be extra careful in this instance. She is still very young, and even if she turns 18, that’s only a matter of months. It might make her a legal “target”, but the real issue is a possible long term relationships, with all the joy, and heart ache, that can involve.

Believe me you can get yourself, and her, into a lot of trouble if it turns out it’s a mismatch. Been there - done that.

To be honest I wouldn’t go making any plans at all for the moment regarding this young lady.

If you are really serious about a relationship, I’d suggest you join a Catholic singles group if there’s one near you. That way you should be in a group of people who have a similar outlook to you - they’re probably looking for a life partner.

If you let this infatuation grow without taking a hard look at alternatives, and doing something about them, you could end up with a lot of frustration on your hands.

I’ll tell you how I met my wife. I don’t know if it will help you, but I’ll go ahead anyway. I’d been a Christian for about 8 years, following a divorce which hurt both parties years before.

But I was wondering if I’d ever meet another suitable lady. I tried a few things, but my old pastor said, “Look, why don’t you try a group like “Christians without Partners”. That way you’d both be looking for the same thing.” But as soon as he said “Christians without Partners” (a local singles group which no longer exists), this sense of bubbling joy hit me. And it didn’t come from me. It was very brief but it was quite definite. So off I went, and I met my future wife at the second meeting I attended. So in my case it was made pretty clear.

However I’d been through some humiliating experiences before that, and as I said there was the previous relationship and divorce years before which did no good for either party, believe me.

So you need to be extra careful, and you also need to be realistic. If you’re serious about a relationship, I’d suggest a Christian, preferably Catholic, group where you’re both going to be looking for the same thing.

All the best. I tend to think your friends are right - she’s just being friendly. So you need to start making a practical effort to look elsewhere.

That’s my advice for what it’s worth.