Infedelity before marriage

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lostinlove

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Hello, all. I am in need of advice. I am 26 and the single mother of a daugheter whom is 3 years old. Her father and I have been together for 4 years. We have continued to be boyfriend and girlfriend but have had lots of distance between us this past year.

Alcohol and is downfall and for the longest time he has not really invited myself or daughter to spend time with him. I live on my own with my daughter and he still lives at home (He is 33).

During this past summer we were having so many problems… found phone numbers, knew he was talking to other women. He would go out every weekend and turn off his phone.

I work and met someone from my office. I gave into temptation and allowed another man to come into my life. More shamefully I eventually introduced my daughter to him.

My father’s daughter, to me, seems like he was in his own world at the time. He wouldn’t call me for full weekends at a time, never wanted to spend time with me, etc.

I love him and I never meant to hurt him.

Eventually that other man moved away.

I have been trying to reconcile with my boyfriend but he is so very betraed by me, I am also very shameful.

Though I have not contiued a physical relationship with the other man, I have emailed him form time to time. My boyfriend hasfound emails, including photos.

To make matters even worse he found out about my behavior on Christmas Eve, things have been in shambles ever since.

I do not know what to do. RIght now I am drowning in shame. I know that I caused this on myself by lying and cheating and being unfaithful.

We are not married and now my boyfriend (I supposed ex boyfriend now) says that he will never be with me again and that he will never forgive me, never take me back, and never marry me.

I know in my heart that I was wrong. I have asked for GOd’s forgiveness, I will confess very soon (just have not had a chance yet.

Any advice is appreciated. I just dont’ know what to do, I have asked God to give me strength.

Can I be forgived? Is is possible?

Please help me:(
 
of course you can be forgiven, go to confession, start over, and find a man who is interested and capable of a genuine mature relationship, marriage and fatherhood. You are too good, and so is your daughter, to settle for less. What you have been doing up to now is serving as a recreation for various men. Is that where you want to be? who you want to be? what you want to model for your daughter? return to the sacraments, experience God’s grace, love and mercy, and through it learn to love yourself, and to get the help you need to discern why you allow yourself to be used by men in this way, and break the cycle. start by meeting some good Catholic men, not the losers you have met up until now. you owe your so-called bf nothing, except to sign the child support checks and allow court-ordered visitation. he has no claim on you. you have no claim on him, although your daughter does, and he owes her not only financial support, but to be a father to her. He has no interest, it seems in honoring that obligation, he has chosen booze over you and his daughter. what does that tell you?
 
Alcohol? Withdrawal? Dependence at age 33?

Find a new boyfriend.
 
Dear Lost in Love,
I agree with Puzzleannie’s advice and would add that you should consider entering into counseling to help break the pattern you’ve developed in your relationships. For some reason, it appears you don’t feel you deserve to have a man who respects you and treats you like the woman God made you. I realize counseling can be expensive but if you contact your pastor or local Catholic Charities you can find someone who can help you without breaking your bank.

Echoing what Annie said, return to the sacraments and go to confession often! I was going through a period where I struggled greatly with impurity and was going to confession at least once a week and sometimes twice. You might be concerned with what the priest would think but good priests know what a spiritual battle we’re all in and he will encourage you in this. The graces our Lord gives in confession serve to strengthen us in this battle. And you are also setting a good example for your daughter so that she will grow up relying on God when struggles occur.

You seem very sincere in wanting to do good and the Lord will help you when you humbly turn to him for help. He will never leave you and if you doubt whether he loves you or forgives you, just look at the cross to remember how much he loves you so very much! He died so that you could be forgiven…for every sin you ever commit! There is no unforgiveable sin!

One more bit of advice…turn to our Lady! She wants to help you and use her as your role model for the kind of woman you want to be and the kind of woman you want your daughter to become.

God bless! You are in my prayers!

In Her Heart,
Witness To Hope
 
lostinlove said:
My father’s daughter, to me, seems like he was in his own world at the time. He wouldn’t call me for full weekends at a time, never wanted to spend time with me, etc…

I do not know what to do. RIght now I am drowning in shame. I know that I caused this on myself by lying and cheating and being unfaithful.
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So it was OK for him to go off doing whatever with whomever, drinking on top of it, while still mooching off his parents – and you were just supposed to put your life on hold for him while he was very likely cheating on you??? Puhleeeeze! If he treats you so poorly before marriage, I can only imagine what he would be like once the ring was on your finger. You deserve so much better than this, and so does your daughter. Of course God will forgive you, just get to confession and get on with your life! Amen to what WitnessToHope had to say. Ask your priest for some counseling so you can make better choices in the future. You and your daughter are beloved children of God, and God has a much better way for you to live if you only seek to walk in His ways. Look to our Blessed Mother as an example, and become the radiant woman you were meant to be! Good luck and God bless.
 
Than you for your replies. I really appreciate them.

I am so lost. I am going to mass tomorrow morning. I will try to meet with my riest very soon too. I need the guidance of God to get through this time.

I feel as though this is my fault. I should have never done anything behind his back,
 
lostinlove said:
Than you for your replies. I really appreciate them.

I am so lost. I am going to mass tomorrow morning. I will try to meet with my [riest very soon too. I need the guidance of God to get through this time.

I feel as though this is my fault. I should have never done anything behind his back,
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Lost In Love,
If you’re going to examine what you’ve done wrong, I would suggest you look beyond what you did behind his back. Ask yourself why you’re choosing to be with a person like him in the first place. Ask yourself why you are choosing men who have no respect for you as a woman except to use you for physical pleasure. That is why I suggested counseling. You’re choosing men who are using you for their own selfish reasons. My suggestion would be to not get involved with any man until you have had some counseling to determine why you have such a lack of respect for yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way. Pray, pray, pray for the strength to desire and to live a more chaste life. Pray for the intercession of St. Maria Goretti to help you. Here’s a link to tell you more about her:
catholicforum.com/saints/saintm09.htm

I’ll remember you in my rosary tonight. God bless!

In Christ,
Witness To Hope
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Than you so very much. I am tking the time to completely understand my situation and I do believe my problems are farther back than just this whole cheating thing.

He did not treat me right and yest I was still with him.

I am praying for strength to go on each day.

I can’t wait for mass tomorrow morining. I am also anxious to confess everything and consult with my priest.

I know that God is all-forgiving and loves us all unconditionally.

THank you for everything and all your advice. I am genuinely using it in my journey through this situation.
 
I have a bit of a different take on this. I agree with the idea that it is time to move on from your ex-boyfriend (as far as a relationship between the two of you). But, based on all I have seen, I think your daughter may well be better off if you do not enter into a new relationship. Be her mother and do what is best for her. This is about her, not you, and you may well have to avoid new relationships for her benefit. You will have much time after she is of age to pursue another man.

Also, aside from puzzleannie’s comment, I didn’t see anything about court orders. The courts, including the family courts, are amoral and meant to be that way. That often leads IMO to immoral decisions. I think you owe your daughter and her father more than “court-ordered visitation.” You owe them both, and they owe each other and you, moral and best ideas for a relationship all three of you will always have. I urge you and he to talk and agree on custody, visitation and support issues. And then certainly get a lawyer (or 2) and have those agreements memorialized and adopted by a court. But, if you want what is truly best, agree on that and do not leave it to the courts.
 
yes I agree. I will not be getting into ANy relationships at all. I have no desire to go through that or to expoe my daughter to that.

I am coping with this whole situation right now.

My daughter’s father and I do need to discuss some issues but right now as things are, every time we speak it is a huge battle between us.

Thank you
 
These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.

I am still living with the guilt of having betrayed the father of my child.

I have asked for forgiveness from God and from my daughter’s father.

I need God’s strength to keep going each day.

Yesterday at church, we celebrated Feast of the Holy Family. I silently cried throughout mass. I didn’t have my family with me. I feel like it’s all my fault.

I know that I can be forgiven and I hope that I can live my life the righteous way, as He intends.

Though there is much to work on, I believe that I need to give my relationship a chance, if he will allow it.

Together with worship, counseling, and other help I think that we can probably get through this hard time together.

I love my daughter’s father and do not see myself with any other man. I want to raise my daughter in a loving home, with her mommy & daddy both.

Is this even possible?
 
lostinlove said:
These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.I am still living with the guilt of having betrayed the father of my child. ?
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Dear Girl, you did not betray the father of your child. You owe him nothing. It is he who has betrayed you and your child. Your sin was not one of betrayal of the child’s father, but sin, if with full knowlege and consent, of sexual relationships outside of marriage, fornication. Please see a priest for confession well as some advice on moral living. One of the problems you have is that in any relationship, it appears you are stuck in a “one down” position and feel not good enough even for trashy men. You are more valuable than that.
 
lostinlove said:
These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.

I am still living with the guilt of having betrayed the father of my child.
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As others have said, you can’t betray someone you’re not married to. Also, do you see how he has betrayed you and your daughter? Do you see how he has chosen other people and alcohol over you and more importantly yours and his daughter (walking away from a girlfriend is one thing, walking away from one’s own child is a completely different thing and in most people’s eyes, including the state, is far worse and makes him that much less of a boy - yes he’s a boy since men actually face and live with the consequences of their actions without a temper tantrum).
lostinlove said:
I have asked for forgiveness from God and from my daughter’s father.
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Well, you can’t make others love you and you can’t make them forgive you. All you can do is apologize, which you have done. God has forgiven you, now it is your turn to turn to Him to seek HIS WILL for you, not your ex’s will for you. It’s time to hand your life over to God not to another man nor yourself.
lostinlove said:
I need God’s strength to keep going each day.
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YOu are wise to realize this, now keep working on your relationship with God and work toward making Him the first love of your life, then your daughter, then others, then yourself.
lostinlove said:
Though there is much to work on, I believe that I need to give my relationship a chance, if he will allow it.

Together with worship, counseling, and other help I think that we can probably get through this hard time together.

I love my daughter’s father and do not see myself with any other man. I want to raise my daughter in a loving home, with her mommy & daddy both.

Is this even possible?
Click to expand...
One should NEVER go into a relationship expecting to change the other person. That is exactly what you’re doing with your dd’s dad, expecting to change him. there’s a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You can’t make your ex change, he has to willingly change. His actions (which represent his true self, words mean nothing if the actions don’t follow) have said that he does not love you and that he really doesn’t love your daughter enough to actually step up and be the dad that he needs to be. Yes, you do need to encourage him to have a good relationship with the daughter you share, but if you try to force a relationship between you and he, well, he’ll most likely retreat more and you’ll be giving him more room to blame you for some fault that truely is not yours to be blamed for. That is why everyone is encouraging counseling. YOu are taking on blame for things that you should not be blamed for. Should he seek help, yes, but that has to be a choice that he makes. Also, contact a mediator in your state to work out custody arrangements. That may be the best way to get the two of you to refocus on what you should be focusing on, your daughter, not each other.
 
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