Infertility affecting marriage

[Whitacre_Girl]

So, I swore to myself I wouldn’t come on here and ask for help with this problem, becuase it hurts me so bad and to post here is to open myself up to get blasted…but, well I’m out of options. So I ask nicely that anyone who feels the need to blast me for this, please find somewhere else to make a stand.

To omit enough details so that I find myself comfortable, I’ll sum up.

I am on a medication that makes me sterile. I can go off this medication and regain my fertility, but I am at least 3 or 4 years out from doing so. To go off this medication requires many health things to be in order, as well as financial and career things to be in place so we don’t end up on the streets.

The issue of our childlessness stems from many things because finances and health are playing major roles in that. The only thing I can control is finances. But with this economy and my area the best I can do is a lame retail job that pays minimum wage and is giving just enough to keep us afloat. I have had the opportunity to go back to school to teach, but I got rejected and am in a waiting period now until next quarter. It seems like God keeps closing any door that I manage to scratch open so I can TRY to have a family.

What’s worse is that friends of mine, including younger and SINGLE women are having children, then coming at me saying that I obviously have a weak marriage because we don’t love each other enough to have a child. Including a woman who got pregnant again JUST to try to fix her marriage! It’s exceedingly painful. Even the single ones (dating) are saying that their love is stronger than that of a marriage because they can have kids and not be married.

I have been praying and praying for God to start opening some doors and fixing problems so I can ditch my medication, stay home, and have kids. Seeing different doctors who have other solutions that this medication. But god just keeps closing these doors as soon as I try to pry one open. It’s SO incredibly painful to me that I can’t use NFP, and even more painful that barring a miracle, I won’t be blessed with a child any time soon. Although given the nature of my medication, that would probably be for the best.

Now here is the real kicker. I have lost ALL Interest in sex. Nadda. Zero. ZILCH. And it’s totally unrelated to my medication. The combination of the pain I am facing from this, as well as the stress of working a crazed unstabe schedule at work (they schedule week-to-week, and I NEVER know when I am working) plus all my church commitments (I am in SEVERAL ministries at my parish…) I see sex as just some pointless ruse since it can never be fruitful. I don’t know when the last time we did was. I love my husband so much, but whenever he tries to get frisky I just get immensely irritated with the notion, or just start crying because I know what sex can never result in. Because of the long period of time, I can tell my poor husband is getting frustrated. He is not worried about our circumstance at all because he feels that while it may be a few years yet, we WILL Come out. I don’t share that optimism as much as we have talked about it and as much as I have tried. He is getting short with me, and the amount of time we spend apart because of my job, coupled with the lack of coupling (sorry, lame pun…) is starting to cause a rift between us. I’ve tried to just be a good wife and “buck up” and just do it. But I just end up crying, which isn’t helping his ego any.

What the heck can I do???

 

[Prodigal_40s]

I’m not going to judge you Whitacre but I will pray for you. The crosses that I bear and you bear are painful but this is God testing us or telling us something. Your loss of interest in sexual union could be a sign of something. I can’t state or even guess but what do you think? I feel for you having worked in retail a long time ago; it resulted in me going to College.
God bless

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I should also add that my husband is a very loving and supportive man and has been incredibly patient with my lack of desire.

He’s been showing affection in other ways. He’ sbeen randomly hugging and kissing me, and even when I have my iPod on when I am doing hoursework he’s grab whatever is in my hands, throw it down, and dance with me. He NEVER dances.

I believe the loss of interest is because I know kids are not a possibility, and sex and procreation are completely linked in my head. So when we do try to come together, I just think about what I can’t have and I get horribly upset. Either angry, or depressed.

 

[Stylteralmaldo]

…The combination of the pain I am facing from this, as well as the stress of working a crazed unstabe schedule at work (they schedule week-to-week, and I NEVER know when I am working) plus all my church commitments (I am in SEVERAL ministries at my parish…)…

Have you considered the possibility that you are spreading yourself too thin? If you can’t change your job situation, you can certainly scale back on your church commitments. The key to this is trust. As much as God desires laborers for the vineyard, he also doesn’t want us to get burned out either. If you change your church commitments to a few instead of several, it could be a first step towards helping your situation improve, even if it may appear to be insignificant to the overall picture. You are in my prayers.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

I see sex as just some pointless ruse since it can never be fruitful…What the heck can I do???

This line really stood out for me. Maybe when you catch yourself thinking or saying “sex cannot be fruitful,” you can correct yourself and remember the “fruit” of sex is more than just children. The closeness to your husband. The pride he will experience in feeling wanted by his wife. The physical pleasure your husband will experience…and the physical pleasure you will experience once you work past the emotional hang-ups. Perhaps after some time of “retraining” your mind to think about the many ways sex is fruitful, you will be able to get back in the saddle.

Many couples have sex knowing there’s no possibility of children (menopausal women, for example) and many others have sex *hoping *there’s no possibility of children.

And of course, there are always miracles. There are “sterile” women who discover that they are pregnant because an egg snuck out somehow. Remember the story of Sarah who conceived Isaac at 90 years old? Even though you’re currently sterile, perhaps remembering these miraculous stories will inspire you just a little?

(P.S. Your husband sounds like a WONDERFUL man! I hope you can work through these psychological hang-ups so you can reward his patience!)

 

[lizaanne]

It seems like God keeps closing any door that I manage to scratch open so I can TRY to have a family.

God has you exactly where you need to be right now - stop questioning His will and start praying for the ability to accept it.

What’s worse is that friends of mine, including younger and SINGLE women are having children, then coming at me saying that I obviously have a weak marriage because we don’t love each other enough to have a child. Including a woman who got pregnant again JUST to try to fix her marriage! It’s exceedingly painful. Even the single ones (dating) are saying that their love is stronger than that of a marriage because they can have kids and not be married.

Do not let the completely uncaring and hurtful comments of idiots upset you this much. If they are going to say things like this to you, and get pregnant outside of marriage and then flaunt it – are these really friends? You don’t need this kind of friend right now. Stay away from them, they are making this harder than it has to be.

But god just keeps closing these doors as soon as I try to pry one open. It’s SO incredibly painful to me that I can’t use NFP, and even more painful that barring a miracle, I won’t be blessed with a child any time soon. Although given the nature of my medication, that would probably be for the best.

See my first comment at the top.

Now here is the real kicker. I have lost ALL Interest in sex. Nadda. Zero. ZILCH. And it’s totally unrelated to my medication.

You don’t know this. Just because loss of sexual drive is not listed on the side of the bottle, does not mean that being on medication that leaves you sterile is not impacting your libido.

…plus all my church commitments (I am in SEVERAL ministries at my parish…)

You really need to get priorities in order and spend more time on your husband and marriage, and less time spreading yourself too thin.

I see sex as just some pointless ruse since it can never be fruitful.

Sex is not only procreative but it is also unitive as well. God gives us the ability to be together with our husbands to help us grow closer to one another, stronger in our commitment to our wedding vows, and THIS is what helps us get through the difficult times together. There is grace in the sacrament of marriage - and sex is part of this. You are not in this alone, your husband is loosing out as well. You need to look at sex as not only something that might bring children (no one is ever guaranteed children, they are a gift and not a right), but looking at sex as a way to draw closer to your husband to give you BOTH the strength to live according to God’s will - no matter WHAT that might mean.

What the heck can I do???

Stop focusing 100% of yourself on only getting pregnant. Pray for wisdom and strength. Pray to love your husband more every day. Pray for the ability to live according to God’s will and stop questioning it all the time.

Let yourself be a wife!! A wife is not only or always a mother.

God bless!
~Liza
(45 and infertile, but wildly in love and very happy. And that didn’t come easy.)

 

[kage_ar]

When you say you cannot go off the meds because of money or jobs, it sounds like you are contracepting. Perhaps it is time to sit down with your priest and examine the reasons for taking the meds and make certain that they are being taken to cure a disease, not just to keep you from getting pregnant.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

When you say you cannot go off the meds because of money or jobs, it sounds like you are contracepting. Perhaps it is time to sit down with your priest and examine the reasons for taking the meds and make certain that they are being taken to cure a disease, not just to keep you from getting pregnant.

Wow…I must be the only woman contracepting and utterly heartbroken because I can’t have children because of it. Maybe I can get in Guiness for that? I mean, that’s gotta be rare! As I said in the OP, I don’t want to get into medical details, but I am on it for MEDICAL reasons. In order to go off it to have children, I need to be in position to be a stay-at-home home because being off my meds and trying to hold down a job is impossible.

The medication isn’t effecting sex drive because I’ve been on it for a long time (long before we were married) and never really had problems with sex drive up to now. I even talked to my doctor about it, and he said it’s very unlikely medication has anything to do with it.

As for those talking about scaling back, that’s probably a good idea. I can drop a couple of them once christmas season is over (smoother transition) so I’ll give that a try.

Those of you talking about retraining my mind to get sex away from procreation (for the time being) are there any resources for this?

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

This line really stood out for me. Maybe when you catch yourself thinking or saying “sex cannot be fruitful,” you can correct yourself and remember the “fruit” of sex is more than just children. The closeness to your husband. The pride he will experience in feeling wanted by his wife. The physical pleasure your husband will experience…and the physical pleasure you will experience once you work past the emotional hang-ups. Perhaps after some time of “retraining” your mind to think about the many ways sex is fruitful, you will be able to get back in the saddle.

Many couples have sex knowing there’s no possibility of children (menopausal women, for example) and many others have sex *hoping *there’s no possibility of children.

And of course, there are always miracles. There are “sterile” women who discover that they are pregnant because an egg snuck out somehow. Remember the story of Sarah who conceived Isaac at 90 years old? Even though you’re currently sterile, perhaps remembering these miraculous stories will inspire you just a little?

(P.S. Your husband sounds like a WONDERFUL man! I hope you can work through these psychological hang-ups so you can reward his patience!)

Yes, my husband really is a wonderful man. He’s been incredibly sweet to me as I go through this. He has been constantly romancing me, and says that while he knows that it’s not the problem, he will always try to “win me back” to him. There are times, though, when the stress catches us to both of us and we get irritable with each other.

We have been reading through the bible, and we just recently read the story about Sarah and Abraham.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. :hug1:

 

[prolifewife]

Wow…I must be the only woman contracepting and utterly heartbroken because I can’t have children because of it. Maybe I can get in Guiness for that? I mean, that’s gotta be rare! As I said in the OP, I don’t want to get into medical details, but I am on it for MEDICAL reasons. In order to go off it to have children, I need to be in position to be a stay-at-home home because being off my meds and trying to hold down a job is impossible.

Maybe you do have actual medical reasons to be on the pill, but if you can go off of the pill as soon as you have more money in order to get pregnant, then do you really need the pill as medicine? If you truly needed the pill as medicine, you probably wouldn’t be able to get off of it until the condition resolved itself, not when you saved up enough money to have a baby. It sounds like you are using something that was originally for a medical problem to help solve a financial problem. It sounds like you are using it as contraception, or at least with a contraceptive mentality. It is confusing how you are wording it. Hopefully it’s a misunderstanding on my part.

I am also infertile. Really truly infertile going on 4 years. I’m sorry you have medication induced infertility, but I’m thinking it might not have to be. Maybe you could try Natural Family Planning instead during this time of saving up finances?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Those of you talking about retraining my mind to get sex away from procreation (for the time being) are there any resources for this?

I don’t know of any specific resources, but you might try counseling (I know everyone suggests counseling all the time–but that’s because it is effective.) Also, a lot of people have suggested a few books to me. (Theology of the Body and Holy Sex! to name two.) I haven’t read them yet, but maybe we could start our own little book club and read them together over the holidays.

In the meantime, is it possible to initiate sex with your husband and take note of (and pleasure in) your husband’s excitement and joy? Maybe if you’re repeating a mantra of “What a joy it is to see him so happy!” you can stave off the tears and try to enjoy sex for its fruits other than children.

You probably know that I went through (and continue to go through) a similar psychological disinterest in sex. I think our circumstances are different, but the resulting complications are the same. I’m not exactly an expert in this area, but I’m praying for you and rooting for you.

 

[Just_Lurking]

Have you tried talking with your priest about this problem?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

One more comment: if your medication is a contraceptive, remember that even the MOST effective contraceptive is only 99% effective. You might be one of the “lucky” ones who conceives! But that would require lots and lots of sex in order to up your chances.

 

[agapewolf]

Wow…I must be the only woman contracepting and utterly heartbroken because I can’t have children because of it. Maybe I can get in Guiness for that? I mean, that’s gotta be rare! As I said in the OP, I don’t want to get into medical details, but I am on it for MEDICAL reasons. In order to go off it to have children, I need to be in position to be a stay-at-home home because being off my meds and trying to hold down a job is impossible.

The way you are explaining here, this is NOT a medical reason. A medical reason is something that this medicine cures or relieves, and a side effect is sterility.

The way you are explaining it here is that because of the way your life is right now, you have to avoid children for “medical” reasons. If that is true, (and I’m not doubting that it is- its common that a pregnancy can harm the health of a woman), then one must use NFP, not an aritificial hormone or barrier.

 

[prolifewife]

The way you are explaining here, this is NOT a medical reason. A medical reason is something that this medicine cures or relieves, and a side effect is sterility.

The way you are explaining it here is that because of the way your life is right now, you have to avoid children for “medical” reasons. If that is true, (and I’m not doubting that it is- its common that a pregnancy can harm the health of a woman), then one must use NFP, not an aritificial hormone or barrier.

 

[kage_ar]

I am still confused. The internet can get things convoluted, but, it still sounds like you are contracepting to avoid pregnancy.

If that is the reason, it is no wonder your marriage is feeling the strain.

Learn NFP, get off the hormones, get back in full communion with The Church - let that grace flow into your marriage.

 

[prolifewife]

The way you are explaining here, this is NOT a medical reason. A medical reason is something that this medicine cures or relieves, and a side effect is sterility.

The way you are explaining it here is that because of the way your life is right now, you have to avoid children for “medical” reasons. If that is true, (and I’m not doubting that it is- its common that a pregnancy can harm the health of a woman), then one must use NFP, not an aritificial hormone or barrier.

I was thinking something similar…see my post above.

 

[1ke]

Often when God seems to be “closing doors” it’s for our own good. We just don’t know it at the time.

Perhaps what he really wants is for you to re-evaluate what you are doing right now. Perhaps what he really wants is for you to let go.

I know that in my own life there was a time when God did something similar-- or it felt like God was doing it. Really it was me doing it to myself and blaming God. And, when I finally said “OK, take me where you want me to be” and just **let go **(I mean REALLY let go… quit my job and move to a new city kind of letting go) then doors opened, windows opened, everything opened.

So, maybe you and DH need to radically evaulate this **whole **situation including where you live, how you live, your expectations regarding needing certain financal levels first, the idea that you have to wait a couple of years, and yes the use of whatever it is you are taking as a pseudo-contraceptive. Don’t rule out anything. Maybe if you lived in another part of the country the cost of living would allow you to have a different financial situation. Maybe if you let go of some of your expectations regarding everything you are doing at work, home, church, things would open up for you in new ways. Maybe if you really do some soul searching about why you “can’t” do NFP and why you “need” to be on this sterilzing path for several years… maybe, just maybe you will reach some new conclusions.

Perhaps asking God what He wants (and responding) instead of trying to point him in directions YOU want to go is what is needed.

Advice coming from one who had to learn the hard way about trying to manage God.

 

[prolifewife]

I am still confused. The internet can get things convoluted, but, it still sounds like you are contracepting to avoid pregnancy.

If that is the reason, it is no wonder your marriage is feeling the strain.

Learn NFP, get off the hormones, get back in full communion with The Church - let that grace flow into your marriage.

Again, this is what I was gathering.

OP: Please don’t use birth control/contraception, it is a total marriage killer. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

More clarifying statements are in order, I suspect.

1. I HAVE talked to a priest about this. Several. All of them, since I did reveal the nature of my condition to them, they all agree UNANIMOUSLY that staying on my medication and setting things up so we can have the big family we always wanted is the best course of action. Going off my meds will cause me to totally lose my job, suffer needlessly in both mental and physical anguish. All agree I should stay on my medication and follow the directions of my doctors.
2. I have seen,a whole host of doctors. They agree the best way to preserve future fertility, and to have the big family I want is to wait.

so, priests and doctors are in full agreement on this.

Prolifewife, there is a confusion here. Let me try to explain this again:

I could go off the pill now and try to use natural family planning to postpone pregnancy until we have the money and home to care for a child. But, if I go off my medication I will be rendered so ill that I can not work. If I do not work, we don’t have enough money to make our bills. That means, in order for me to go off the pill, we HAVE to be in a place for me to stay home about 2 weeks a month. Basically, were it not for my medical condition we would be using NFP as it is what we BOTH desire. However, to be off my medication WILL cause dibilitating illness. And they don’t hand out disability for people with illnesses that can be totally controlled with medication. I understand it seems confusing, but let me say that I have seen many priests about this, and many doctors. All agree there isn’t anything we can really do until my husband and I are in a situation where I can be at home.

I appreciate people wanting to help by figuing out ways to get rid of the medication. It’s just not possible. I mean, I have priests AND doctors telling me to stay the course. I’d really like to move on from this, and figure out how I, as a catholic woman, can deal with the infertility it brings until everything is in order. I’ve tried finding ways to get off it, and I am having to close that chapter in my life, which is causing part of the pain. I’ve realized I can’t do it, and that kills me! Every professional and religious leader in my life is telling me not to go off it. So I have to learn to deal with it.

THank you again Augusta. You really are giving me a lot to think about.