Infertility affecting marriage

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prolifewife said:
Again, this is what I was gathering.

OP: Please don’t use birth control/contraception, it is a total marriage killer. I’ve seen it happen so many times. 😦
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Oh my gosh…see this is exactly why I KNEW I shouldn’t have come on here. Just forget it. Just goes to show you how alone I really am in this.
 
The hormones in the BCP keep you from being disabled by a “female problem”. Thank you for clearing that up, it makes sense.

Prayers that you can find the very best doctor available, because, something that is so debilitating that you cannot hold down a job would mean you are too disabled to care for children either - being a mom is hard work. Prayers here that your body will be healed so you can be healthy and do the hardest job on earth - being a mom.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
  1. I HAVE talked to a priest about this. Several. All of them, since I did reveal the nature of my condition to them, they all agree UNANIMOUSLY that staying on my medication and setting things up so we can have the big family we always wanted is the best course of action. Going off my meds will cause me to totally lose my job, suffer needlessly in both mental and physical anguish. All agree I should stay on my medication and follow the directions of my doctors.
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Have you discussed your inability to partake of normal marital relations with your priest?
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
More clarifying statements are in order, I suspect.
  1. I HAVE talked to a priest about this. Several. All of them, since I did reveal the nature of my condition to them, they all agree UNANIMOUSLY that staying on my medication and setting things up so we can have the big family we always wanted is the best course of action. Going off my meds will cause me to totally lose my job, suffer needlessly in both mental and physical anguish. All agree I should stay on my medication and follow the directions of my doctors.
  2. I have seen,a whole host of doctors. They agree the best way to preserve future fertility, and to have the big family I want is to wait.
so, priests and doctors are in full agreement on this.

Prolifewife, there is a confusion here. Let me try to explain this again:

I could go off the pill now and try to use natural family planning to postpone pregnancy until we have the money and home to care for a child. But, if I go off my medication I will be rendered so ill that I can not work. If I do not work, we don’t have enough money to make our bills. That means, in order for me to go off the pill, we HAVE to be in a place for me to stay home about 2 weeks a month. Basically, were it not for my medical condition we would be using NFP as it is what we BOTH desire. However, to be off my medication WILL cause dibilitating illness. And they don’t hand out disability for people with illnesses that can be totally controlled with medication. 😉 I understand it seems confusing, but let me say that I have seen many priests about this, and many doctors. All agree there isn’t anything we can really do until my husband and I are in a situation where I can be at home.

I appreciate people wanting to help by figuing out ways to get rid of the medication. It’s just not possible. I mean, I have priests AND doctors telling me to stay the course. I’d really like to move on from this, and figure out how I, as a catholic woman, can deal with the infertility it brings until everything is in order. I’ve tried finding ways to get off it, and I am having to close that chapter in my life, which is causing part of the pain. I’ve realized I can’t do it, and that kills me! Every professional and religious leader in my life is telling me not to go off it. So I have to learn to deal with it.

THank you again Augusta. You really are giving me a lot to think about.
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You sound like me. I also have girly pain so bad every month that I can’t function. It’s rough :console: They think I have Endometriosis. I’m glad you explained yourself because we were all worried about you. We didn’t want you to be contracepting. That being said are their any surgical treatments you can get to help cure your problem so you don’t have to take this nasty pill? Is there anyway you can work from home so you don’t have to take it? I am very blessed I know to be able to stay at home in the midst of my condition. I just don’t want to see you having to take this pill dear, it’s really not the best thing for your body and can even harm your future fertility. Praying you can find something else. Sorry for me not understanding you earlier. :o
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
More clarifying statements are in order, I suspect.
  1. I HAVE talked to a priest about this. Several. All of them, since I did reveal the nature of my condition to them, they all agree UNANIMOUSLY that staying on my medication and setting things up so we can have the big family we always wanted is the best course of action. Going off my meds will cause me to totally lose my job, suffer needlessly in both mental and physical anguish. All agree I should stay on my medication and follow the directions of my doctors.
  2. I have seen,a whole host of doctors. They agree the best way to preserve future fertility, and to have the big family I want is to wait.
so, priests and doctors are in full agreement on this.

Prolifewife, there is a confusion here. Let me try to explain this again:

I could go off the pill now and try to use natural family planning to postpone pregnancy until we have the money and home to care for a child. But, if I go off my medication I will be rendered so ill that I can not work. If I do not work, we don’t have enough money to make our bills. That means, in order for me to go off the pill, we HAVE to be in a place for me to stay home about 2 weeks a month. Basically, were it not for my medical condition we would be using NFP as it is what we BOTH desire. However, to be off my medication WILL cause dibilitating illness. And they don’t hand out disability for people with illnesses that can be totally controlled with medication. 😉 I understand it seems confusing, but let me say that I have seen many priests about this, and many doctors. All agree there isn’t anything we can really do until my husband and I are in a situation where I can be at home.

I appreciate people wanting to help by figuing out ways to get rid of the medication. It’s just not possible. I mean, I have priests AND doctors telling me to stay the course. I’d really like to move on from this, and figure out how I, as a catholic woman, can deal with the infertility it brings until everything is in order. I’ve tried finding ways to get off it, and I am having to close that chapter in my life, which is causing part of the pain. I’ve realized I can’t do it, and that kills me! Every professional and religious leader in my life is telling me not to go off it. So I have to learn to deal with it.

THank you again Augusta. You really are giving me a lot to think about.
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I’m surprised no one mentioned this yet, but if your condition requires bcpill, then why don’t you contact the Pope Paul VI Institute since they work on solving the underlying conditions that other doctors say “require” the pill. I’m sure they can help in the financial area too, if needed. popepaulvi.com/
 
Please know that you are not alone in this, everyone here truly wants to help you, but not knowing everything about your situation does limit us.

Since you have talked to both priests and doctors and they all agree, then I see no other alternative for you.

I would like to recommend a book that I recently read and it has dramatically changed the way I view my marriage and sex. “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by David West.

The only other suggestion I have is have you thought about adoption? There are many children in this world that are looking for parents to love them.

I will pray a decade of the rosary for you. Don’t lose faith.
 
chessmane4e5 said:
The only other suggestion I have is have you thought about adoption? There are many children in this world that are looking for parents to love them.

I will pray a decade of the rosary for you. Don’t lose faith.
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Adoption is so expensive that it is out of the question for most people.
 
\I see sex as just some pointless ruse since it can never be fruitful. I don’t know when the last time we did was. I love my husband so much, but whenever he tries to get frisky I just get immensely irritated with the notion, or just start crying because I know what sex can never result in.\

**Sex has TWO purposes. Conception is only one of them.

It is also an expression of love between husband and wife. After all, God invented sexual pleasure, didn’t He?

As far as the medicine you’re on, you are doing this to become a healthier woman, and hence better wife and mother in God’s time.

You might need counselling.

And there could be issues (medical or psychological) you don’t know about that are affecting your libido. Can you get them checked out?

Good luck, dear soul.**
 
At the risk of telling you something that you all ready know,ill throw in my 2 cents.sometimes one can slip into an unarticulated agreement with ourselves that :If only such and such would happen,it will make me happy.this notion is false of course.If I post on these forums much more ill be known as the babbling idiot.guess what im trying to say is shift your focus.Your husband seems to of already done this.God bless you both
 
I would again urge you to take a look at everything, no holds barred. Look at where you could move, what you could do to work from home, what DH could do to earn more money, how you could adjust your expectations regarding what you need financially for you to stay home-- leave no rock unturned.

You are looking at it as you have to get a better job to earn enough to stay home later. Maybe you need to adjust where you live or how you live so that you can stay home now.

Or somewhere else you might have more support from family. Or you might find employment more easily. Or you may not need that job at all.

Maybe you like Seattle, but it’s one of the highest costs of living in the country and I’m sure the job market is tough.

Just things to think about.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
Oh my gosh…see this is exactly why I KNEW I shouldn’t have come on here. Just forget it. Just goes to show you how alone I really am in this.
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Your reaction here is not fair. Many of us were confused by the way you put it before…as I said, the way you put it made it seem as if you were contracepting for that purpose. Since you have explained things better, it makes more sense.

And I ditto 1ke’s post #17
 
Friends who tell you that you and your husband must not be in love because you don’t have children aren’t true friends.

I think you should avoid being around the people who have said those things to you, it makes no sense to be around people who make you feel bad.

Also, it’s perfectly acceptable for a Catholic to be on the contraceptive pill for a medical reason.

Try to do things to reconnect with your husband, go on dates, do things together to try to rekindle desire.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
Oh my gosh…see this is exactly why I KNEW I shouldn’t have come on here. Just forget it. Just goes to show you how alone I really am in this.
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Please be honest with yourself or you are not doing yourself any favors. Don’t get all bent out of shape because you are not hearing what you wanted to hear. You came here for a reason. Either you wanted to be validated in what you are doing because you know in your heart it’s not entirely right - or you came here for some honest to goodness suggestions with an open heart and mind. I don’t sense that the latter is the case here.

Also - you may want to reconsider the image you have in your signature. Being pro-life is a wonderful and beautiful thing, and everyone should fell that way. But constantly having images of pregnant bellies in front of you all day is NOT making this any easier.

I know - I sound like a mean old thing. But trust me, I’ve been there. Years and years of hating mother’s day, crying when I got my period, and tearing myself up because I wasn’t good enough. It’s just not worth what it does to a relationship and to yourself.

Does this mean giving up on ever being a mother? No - it means focusing on what you are NOW, and that’s a wife.

~Liza
 
I realize I’m coming in late to this discussion, but bear with me…

Whitacre Girl,

I know how tough it must have been for you to come and post here on such a personal issue. Everyone who has posted a response has tried to share either a perspective gained from experience or has objectively weighed in on the facts as they see them, far removed from your circumstances. I know from personal experience that seeing others’ reactions to my situation can be jarring, and sometimes confusing, as things can’t always come over gently online!

But at the very least, please try to take everyone’s advice to prayer. Sometimes the seemingly impossible questions require creative and uncomfortable answers. I know that I wouldn’t have gotten married when I did, and that we would not have started trying to conceive when we did, if it were not for the pointed questions and observations of friends, teachers, and yes, even CAF members!

That said…I am so sorry for what you are going through, the anguish you must be feeling. The sense I get from your posts is that you feel trapped, by circumstances beyond your control. Whether they are medical or personal or financial doesn’t matter in how you approach them or how you feel about them; what matters is that you cannot control them. It’s no fun to try to discern God’s will for our lives when we feel like we don’t have any control over our lives!

But that’s just it…God is constantly teaching us to TRUST HIM, and to TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY He has given us. Trusting Him means believing with all our hearts that He is in control and that “He who has begun a good work in me will complete it”; taking the responsibility He is giving us means not sitting back and waiting for Him to do the good work. Cooperating with grace (trusting + taking responsibility) requires a constant spirit of discernment, and a constant willing attitude to carry out God’s will for our lives. It requires us to overcome our feelings of helplessness and to ‘take control’ where we see it is possible.

It is painful to be a childless wife. It hurts, it’s hard to understand, especially as others are blessed with children–and sometimes don’t even recognize that they have been so blessed! In struggling with infertility, I have learned that I must trust God, and take responsibility for my own health and seeking out treatment for my condition and addressing our physical, financial, spiritual, and psychological circumstances that affect our ability to welcome a child into our life. We have not been blessed yet, but we are continually working on prayer, on building our home, on growing in our relationship, on becoming financially stable and responsible. Growing our family is not just about the act of making a child, but involves our whole life together. Whenever God tells us “not yet,” He has a good reason…and we just have to trust Him while we try to make ourselves ready!

So how can you trust Him while making yourselves ready? Some have suggested that you re-evaluate the basics of your living situation: yours and hubby’s jobs, where you live (both city and even your apartment or home, if possible), and your overall budget; this is wise advice, and some tough conversations and re-examining our lifestyles is always prudent. Others have suggested re-evaluating how you spend your time with volunteer commitments and have suggested penciling in more time for your hubby and marriage; this is very good advice, and even small improvements in this area could likely bear good fruit. Some ladies have said here that it is possible to take back control of your fertility by seeking out alternative treatments besides the pill for your medical issues; this sounds crazy, compared to what you have been hearing from trusted professionals…but that doesn’t mean you can’t follow up with it.

As far as the lack of libido goes, I would prefer to PM you about it. Would that be OK with you?
 
right on lisaanne.at least some people know how to speak in plain english-wish i was one of them
 
lizaanne said:
God has you exactly where you need to be right now - stop questioning His will and start praying for the ability to accept it.

Do not let the completely uncaring and hurtful comments of idiots upset you this much. If they are going to say things like this to you, and get pregnant outside of marriage and then flaunt it – are these really friends? You don’t need this kind of friend right now. Stay away from them, they are making this harder than it has to be.

See my first comment at the top.

You don’t know this. Just because loss of sexual drive is not listed on the side of the bottle, does not mean that being on medication that leaves you sterile is not impacting your libido.

You really need to get priorities in order and spend more time on your husband and marriage, and less time spreading yourself too thin.

Sex is not only procreative but it is also unitive as well. God gives us the ability to be together with our husbands to help us grow closer to one another, stronger in our commitment to our wedding vows, and THIS is what helps us get through the difficult times together. There is grace in the sacrament of marriage - and sex is part of this. You are not in this alone, your husband is loosing out as well. You need to look at sex as not only something that might bring children (no one is ever guaranteed children, they are a gift and not a right), but looking at sex as a way to draw closer to your husband to give you BOTH the strength to live according to God’s will - no matter WHAT that might mean.

Stop focusing 100% of yourself on only getting pregnant. Pray for wisdom and strength. Pray to love your husband more every day. Pray for the ability to live according to God’s will and stop questioning it all the time.

Let yourself be a wife!! A wife is not only or always a mother.

God bless!
~Liza
(45 and infertile, but wildly in love and very happy. And that didn’t come easy.)
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This is some really excellent, knowledgeable and wise advice. I can’t add a thing.
 
Prayers accending for you. My daughter has gone through infertility and it is a painful situation. Others simply don’t know how hard it is. It is a loss and therefore you grieve. I hope you are getting the support of good people. We will pray for you and your marraige. My heart goes out to you.
In Him,
mlz
 
Lol. People, she specifically avoided saying WHAT kind of problem it is that requires medication, perhaps for privacy and perhaps because it isn’t relevant. It is probably true that lots of medications affect fertility, not just the pill. She could have chronic depression (sometimes this causes physical pain), anxiety, trichotillomania, schizophrenia, ocd, etc, etc, etc, etc. There are MANY meds which a pregnant woman shouldn’t be on, but that are required to make life liveable. I just think it is funny that people enjoy assuming she is on “the pill”. Maybe yes, maybe no. 🤷
 
dakotagirl said:
Lol. People, she specifically avoided saying WHAT kind of problem it is that requires medication, perhaps for privacy and perhaps because it isn’t relevant. It is probably true that lots of medications affect fertility, not just the pill. She could have chronic depression (sometimes this causes physical pain), anxiety, trichotillomania, schizophrenia, ocd, etc, etc, etc, etc. There are MANY meds which a pregnant woman shouldn’t be on, but that are required to make life liveable. I just think it is funny that people enjoy assuming she is on “the pill”. Maybe yes, maybe no. 🤷
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Actually, lots of specifics were given later.
 
You’re right. I am not having an open mind about other medical alternatives. I don’t appreciate the judgement I have gotten here that people seem to think I am contracepting either!I love God and I love my church and I wouldn’t go against them!

THe medical discussion is closed. Priests and doctors have BOTH advised me to stay the course.

I am merely seeking information on living joyously NOW as a childless catholic wife in the face of all my dearest friends (NOT the ones make smart alec comments) are having children and being HAPPY for them, rahter than turning inward and being bitter.

I have to be honest though…the comments suggesting I am breaking church law for selfish reasons has hurt me more than the posters probably realize. As if the childlessness wasn’t painful enough…suggesting I’d subject myself to this willingly just…hurts.
 
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