Infertility and Gossip

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catholicwifeforlife1

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So, my husband and I have been married for about 2 years. We have never used contraception or NFP to prevent pregnancy, but we have not been able to conceive. I heard through the grapevine that family is wondering if we are using contraception, but of course, they don’t ask about it. They just speculate from afar. Every time I go to our old parish the priest says "no baby yet?’ like we are doing it on purpose or something. Family friends joke that we “don’t know how to make a baby”. It has just been hard because I trust in God and his timing, and am looking into health treatments for it, but the pain in my heart is pretty heavy and it’s difficult to deal with so many comments about our inability to conceive. And, it’s worse because I know it’s me. My husband comes from a very “fertile” family. But, my family has had lots of issues with infertility. I’m really starting to get down on myself about this. I’m young, and shouldn’t be having these issues at my age. Can anyone offer any wisdom on this? Have you experienced infertility and eventually conceived? Does God not will some people to have children or is merely illness?
 
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
And, it’s worse because I know it’s me. My husband comes from a very “fertile” family. But, my family has had lots of issues with infertility.
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Do you know this from a doctor, or are you assuming? Not that it matters which spouse is infertile, but don’t be down on yourself over this. Family history doesn’t prove what’s up with either of you.
Personally, if a “friend” joked that I “didn’t know how to make a baby,” I would let them know that we were trying, and their comments are very hurtful. People just don’t stop and think before they say something like that.
And if you do that once or twice, it may get back to the “grapevine” members who are wondering about things that are none of their business.
 
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
Every time I go to our old parish the priest says "no baby yet?’
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That’s definitely none of his business. He should be reminded about appropriate behavior and etiquette.
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
Family friends joke that we “don’t know how to make a baby”.
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You and your husband should make it quite clear that you view this kind of behavior as appalling harassment.
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
My husband comes from a very “fertile” family. But, my family has had lots of issues with infertility.
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Are you guessing? Or have you seen a doctor? Regardless, it’s nobody’s fault.
 
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We were married five years before the birth of our son. The answers @LumineDiei mentioned. It does wear on you. For gossiping or prying friends I did reply with more biting statements.
 
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
Can anyone offer any wisdom on this?
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People are stupid.
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
Does God not will some people to have children or is merely illness?
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This is the natural consequence of whatever is going on with your or your husband’s fertility. Do not assume it is you based on his “fertility“ and his family. He could have an issue. You both need to see doctors. Or you could just not worry about it. If it happens, it happens.

I know it’s difficult, and people are rude. You should probably say something to your priest and ask him to stop with the comments because they are very hurtful. He likely has no idea
 
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The comments you’re getting are awful, I’m so sorry. Like the others have said, it’s worth going to see a doctor about your fertility issues and please don’t blame yourself. If I were you, I’d be having many sharp words with the people who think it’s acceptable to say what they have.
 
Wow, sounds like your family, friends and even a priest were not “raised with manners” as my mom would say.

It is crass and rude to make such statements/ask such questions.

Honestly, I think I would tell them exactly that.
 
If you feel confident that you can pull this off, the next time someone asks about your fertility, you might try quivering your lower lip, sobbing as if you were going to burst into tears, and walking away very quickly.

They’ll never bother you about it again.
 
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
They just speculate from afar. Every time I go to our old parish the priest says "no baby yet?’ like we are doing it on purpose or something.
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I’m going to give you permission to say, “I know you mean well, but we would like nothing better than to have a baby, but it’s not happening.”

A possible alternative for your family, “That’s really hurtful.”

Obviously, you don’t want to go into full bitter-infertile-person mode, but at the same time, people don’t get to trample all over your feelings without you getting to say boo.

If anybody pokes into medical or personal details, don’t blab. You can just say, “I’m working with my doctor.”
catholicwifeforlife1 said:
And, it’s worse because I know it’s me. My husband comes from a very “fertile” family.
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That isn’t necessarily the case.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Wow, sounds like your family, friends and even a priest were not “raised with manners” as my mom would say.

It is crass and rude to make such statements/ask such questions.

Honestly, I think I would tell them exactly that.
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In my younger days, I was just on the verge of making some encouraging remarks to a younger cousin who had been married and childless for some time…who of course turned out to be infertile.

SO HAPPY I kept my mouth shut.
 
Family and friends keep commenting or asking directly when our son is going to have a sibling. Nobody knows we’ve been trying for awhile, because I haven’t told anyone- it’s not their business and I am a private person. I usually just say “we’d love that” and smile but my heart sinks inside.

Anyone who asks is being inappropriate, regardless of their intentions. How you deal with it depends on your comfort level. I personally do not feel harassed enough yet to the point where I feel the need to indicate that we are having trouble, but it may come to that. I just don’t want to talk about it with anyone. But if you would feel comfortable with that, you might get people to back off a little bit.
 
“That’s none of your business” is the other response…
 
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catholicwifeforlife1 said:
So, my husband and I have been married for about 2 years
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My wife and I are coming up on 2 years. It’s not a long time. We haven’t concieved yet either.
But when you think about it, there are only about 120 days in two years (730 days) that you can actually concieve on. Maybe even less. It just sometimes works out that you aren’t being intimate on the right days or maybe one month you miscalculate. And even if you don’t, sometimes you just don’t get to make love on certain days.
Unless you are intimate every single day during your fertile time, I wouldn’t worry about it for another few months.

As for the comments of other people…either ignore or simply state that you are hurt by those comments and you are trying.
 
First, you do not know if it is you, your husband, or both (or neither! sometime these things just do not happen for a reason that cannot be determined) unless you see a doctor.

Second, in my experience, the strategy that works the best is to just ignore the comments and give as little information as possible. For example, “no baby yet?”, the answer is “no” and leave it at that. The problem with trying to explain things is that these same people will move onto the next step with giving “helpful” advice, such as “why don’t you adopt”, “just relax”, or so and so had {insert infertility treatment here} done and now they have children, and so on. If your situation continues, the same “helpful” people will at some point start making those kinds of comments anyway, just to get a reaction out of you. Again, the strategy is to give them one word, non-committal, information-free answers. The point is that no matter what you do, or how much you explain, people will keep making assumptions about you anyway, so the best is to keep things that are supposed to be private between you and your husband private.

Sadly, families with a large number of children (more than 3) suffer from the flip side of this harassment with people making a lot of inappropriate comments about their family size. The reason I am mentioning this is that idle speculation about other people’s business is a pastime that, unfortunately, many people enjoy. So please, do not take this personally. Things will resolve for you in time, either you will be able to have children eventually (whether with your husband or through adoption), or you will come to accept being childless. As to why these things happen, I do not know and do not dare to speculate. However, I am really sorry for your pain and for what you are going through.
 
My husband and I got married rather late. I was 38 and he was 42. At first we didn’t “try” or “not try”. Then we tried. Then we went back to “whatever”. By mid 40s I went to “definitely not trying” because-- yeah, late 40s… peri menopause and health issues.

So, now I’m 51. I’m blessed or cursed, depending on how you look at it, that I am very young looking for my age. Most people typically guess 10 years younger than my real age. So, when I was in my late 30s and in my 40s people thought I was a lot younger, even now people ask if we are going to have kids and when I reply I am 51 so it’s pretty unlikely, they freak out and stumble over themselves to apologize.

Fortunately, that conversation came up pretty rarely in general conversation, and not at all with our families.
 
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