Infertility

[brandymmiller]

If you know you are at a high risk for miscarriage/rejecting the fertilized egg, is it morally permissible to have sex at all? It seems to me that I’m basically concieving with the knowledge that the life will die, and therefore guilty of an abortion each month. I really need to know now because if this is the case, I need to explain to my fiance why we will have to live a celibate marriage, or at least give him time to break the engagement. Or am I being overly legalistic? (I can tend to scrupulosity at times).

Overly legalistic. You have knowledge only of probabilities, as only God can know for certain what will come, and only God can say what good may come of a life lived, however briefly. My mother was told that she could never have children because she had a tipped uterus - considering that she conceived 8 times, I would say the doctor was wrong.

As long as YOU aren’t purposefully doing anything to prevent the child from being conceived and do EVERYTHING you can do to ensure that it lives the life it was given to its fullest, you have done everything that God asks you to do. Also, if you’ve only just begun charting I wouldn’t worry too much. Your short luteal phase may merely be an isolated incident, related to stress or an illness. If it continues, take the time to visit an NFP physician and see what he or she can tell you. It may be they have recommendations to help lengthen it. At any rate, I would involve my fiance by letting him know but I wouldn’t worry about it overly.

 

[LovingHim]

Thanks so much for all your advice I will definitely look into some B supplements if this happens this month, and make an appointment if it continues. I’m also glad I was able to locate this now. The funny thing is, my cycle was a 28 day cycle, but my peak day, and my first high, weren’t until day 20 (The thermal shift was very pronounced, so I have no doubt that I calculated it right).

I also spoke with my priest (whom I trust to give good, sound advice) and he said that the moral issue isn’t one because it isn’t willed, and because conception can still happen. Then he said the really holy thing to do was to keep having sex (when we get married, of course!) in the hopes we conceive. Ha! Best advice I ever got from a priest

We also hope to adopt one day so no matter what (God willing!) we will have some children.

Hello! Nice to meet you. My husband and I have a similar problem. We risk miscarriage every single cycle, and, as of yet, have no knowledge of how to remedy things. But, if we had not been open to life and continuing to engage in the martial act, heaven wouldn’t have as many baby saints as it does now. We know that we have had a major part in giving heaven little ones. So, even though it can appear tragic and sad, it is certainly not a moral issue. It is God’s way of making heaven fuller, and a better place to be. You are not willing their deaths, you are, rather, being open to whatever plan God may have for their lives (whether being brought into this world or taken straight to heaven with Him.)

Also, it is the cycles where pregnancy occurred that our luteal phases where longer, ovulation occurred earlier, things like that. My cycles changed DRASTICALLY after marriage. They haven’t been the way they were before since. You just never know. I’d say from here on trust that if God wants a baby to be born into this world, He’ll help it along (even if He has to change your cycle to do so.) Just bear in mind that He may have other plans for you, including having some saints for Him and/or adopting those miracles like you are planning to do. (I know this is where our journey has led us so far! And we are as excited as can be.) I hope this helps a little. I will be thinking of you!

 

[Asillia]

Thank you very much for your attitude You are definitely leading a fruitful life and God bless your family

 

[SeekerJen]

Why do perfect strangers and very casual acquaintances feel that it is their business to inquire about our childlessness? Yes, I realize that it is unusual for a couple to be married 5 years and have no children. Still…

I had two encounters in public today where I was put on the spot. The second was in a grocery store, where I ran into a former manager of mine who I hadn’t seen in years. He asked how long I had been married, then whether we had kids, and when I answered in the negative: “Was it planned that way?” When I answered that no, it wasn’t, he dropped the subject. Not so bad. The first, however…ay-ay-ay. I went to a new hairdresser this afternoon. She gets me in the chair, we’re making small talk, she asks if I have kids, I answer No, then ask if she has kids, so she talks about them for a few minutes. Fine and good. Then she asks how long I’ve been married. I tell her almost five years. She pauses for a minute and says “but you don’t have any kids. Why not?” I’m a bit taken aback and answer “because we can’t.”
Her: “Why? Because of the cost?”
Me: “No, because we physically can’t. I can’t carry them.”
Her: “Well, have you tried all the medical options? Like the test-tube babies?”
Me: (completely dumbfounded at this point and would have gotten up and left if she hadn’t already started cutting my hair) “No. We’re not interested. Even if we were, my insurance doesn’t cover any fertility testing or treatment.”
Her: “The insurance has to cover it. It’s required.”
Me: (wondering what planet she’s from) “No, I’ve read the policy. It doesn’t cover any of it.”
Her: “That’s not true. It’s all covered.”
Me: “Look, I’m on student insurance through my school. It covers the basics. It doesn’t cover extras. We don’t have the money. When we do, we’ll adopt.”

Mercifully that was the end of that conversation. But she didn’t do a great enough job on my hair to justify sitting in her chair again.

It’s bad enough that I don’t get to be a “real woman” and experience pregnancy/childbirth because I lose the few babies I conceive by 5 weeks gestation. It’s bad enough that to be parents, DH and I are going to have to wait for possibly years on a waiting list, go through months of background checks and home visits, fill out mountains of paperwork, and shell out possibly tens of thousands of dollars in legal, travel, and agency fees just to have one child- something that 15-year-olds do in 15 minutes for free in someone’s basement when the parents are out of town. Do we have to endure the scrutiny, the second-guessing, and the scorn on top of all of that as well?

/rant

 

[LittleDeb]

Oh I am so sorry! SeekerJen, you showed heroic restraint.

While not excusing her behavior, please remember that there are some of us out here who just don’t. know. when. to. shut. our. yaps.

On behalf of all of us, “I am so sorry.”

Feel free to rant away. We’re here.

 

[aurora77]

The nerve of some people! SeekerJen, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. I definitely wouldn’t go back to her, no matter how the haircut went.

Rant away, I’ve felt many, many times, the sentiment in your last paragraph. We’re here for you!

 

[dkoinzan]

Many prayers Jen.

 

[SeekerJen]

Thanks, ladies. Y’all are great. And Little Deb, I can’t imagine you being insensitive like that- not at all! You’re too nice.

So turns out that of the three couples who got married in DH’s family in 2003, we’re the only one who has yet to reproduce. The cousin who got married the month after us had a baby with his wife last summer. The cousin who got married a few months after us and his wife just announced her pregnancy. sigh

 

[dkoinzan]

Lately, I have been thinking bunches about my little ones in heaven. I miss them! Anyway, as I pray and ponder, it occured to me that sometime God may give babies to people who don’t really want one to show those parents that they are a gift. If all of us got exactly the baby we all wanted then babies wouldn’t be seen as the gift that they are. Those of us who bury our children give witness to how special they are when we grieve for them. Those that don’t have children to raise give witness to how precious babies are by their desire to have them. All of our experiences are needed for the salvation of others as well as ourselves. I still miss my littlest ones, but it makes it more understandable.

 

[Caeryl]

My husband and I have been married for 22 years… we have two daughters… but they were not born from me and my husband.

When we discovered that I was unable to carry children, we decided then that the best thing to do was to adopt. We figured God chose us to be infertile so that we could give unconditional love a child that was in desperate need.
We never looked into fertility treatments…

I wish you well on your journey… and hope that at one point you and your husband are able to celebrate the arrival of your new baby one day.

With regards to those comments… well, they are just rude… What I have done in the past, with rude comments , I just say… it really is none of your concern…
and why do you want to know such personal information?

Know that God understands your feelings… but remember the outcome is not a pregnancy… it is the child…

Caeryl

 

[AngelRose81]

I am praying for all you ladies and your families!

DH and I have been married 6 years (our anniversary was May 18) and I have been Catholic for one year so we have been trying to do NFP since then but I have very irregular cycles because I am so stressed all the time. I even went one time for 7 months with no period. I sometimes skip a month or two and then have one the next. All the doctors try to put me on ABC and I refuse. Thankfully my cycles have settled down a bit and have been regular for the last few months. I am hoping they stay that way. Right now, since my cycles are still unsteady we have just been trying our best to follow charts, etc, in regards to my fertility and have tried to make sure we hit what are supposed to be my fertile times but to no avail yet. We’ve come to accept that when God wants us to have children, we will and we will keep trying until it happens. If it doesn’t then we are most likely going to adopt. But it helps us to always know that whatever God wills, will happen the way He wants to, especially children.

I hope i have the right attitude about it all but it helps me through in case we find out we can’t have children at all.

So please keep us in your prayers as I will you all.

 

[Annibc]

Hi everyone
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year. In march 2007 I had a¨miscarriage because the pregnancy was in the eggleader. I was also informed I have endometriosis. Now I am finally going to get a fertility operation within the next few weeks and I pray that my eggleaders will be restored and that all will go well so that I can have children.
I really hope some of you will pray for this intention as prayer opens the door to Gods Will in the world and I will pray for you too.

love,
Annibc

 

[LittleDeb]

Welcome AngelRose81 and Annibc. Glad to have you here, but at the same time, sorry you have to join us.

There is hope. We are called to our cross. I have no idea why. I have met some amazing people in this thread. Since I have been able to have 2 of my own I am truly humbled to even be here among those unable to carry a child at all.

The stories, the sacrifices, and the love are a joy to behold. Watching marriages pick up and move through the phases of infertility is like nothing else. The gifts these couples share is touching. I cannot begin to describe how much my life has changed because of this gift/cross of infertility.

Welcome to all those who post and a very warm welcome, especially, to all those who lurk and are silent in their pain. I hope what you read here is light on your path.

 

[Teakafrog]

Sure has been quiet over here lately. Always makes me sad when I see posts here, and there are more people joining us. Wish it didn’t have to be that way.
As for us, we’re taking a break right now from any TTC, for our mental health. Need to stop obsessing for awhile. We’re talking about trying to adopt again in a couple years, but not even worrying about it just yet. So we’re trying to get our finances in order to make that possible. I’m sure that when He has the child He has picked out for us ready, He will make it possible for us to get that child, just like he did with our other adopted DD.

 

[yessisan]

Hi everyone
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year. In march 2007 I had a¨miscarriage because the pregnancy was in the eggleader. I was also informed I have endometriosis. Now I am finally going to get a fertility operation within the next few weeks and I pray that my eggleaders will be restored and that all will go well so that I can have children.
I really hope some of you will pray for this intention as prayer opens the door to Gods Will in the world and I will pray for you too.

love,
Annibc

Anniebc, I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage and the endometriosis. I’m in the same boat sadly enough. I miscarried our first and only baby in December 07 and my OB found a very large cyst on my ovary. I had a laparoscopy done last month only to find out the cyst was an endometrioma and that I have/had stage 2 endometriosis with scarring of my uterus, adhesions and my ovary and tube were stuck behind the uterus. The surgeon removed all the endo he could find alond with the adhesions and tried to repair the scarring and put my ovary and tube back in place. I’m sorry you have to bear this cross too. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on endo and it scares me that I will never be able to get pregnant again or carry a baby to full term and bring him/her home

I pray that your surgery goes well and you get pregnant soon.

 

[Willsfirecracke]

Hey everyone, I’m new here. LittleDeb made me join. I am getting married in July. I haven’t been on the most Catholic road, but I am working my way back. My future sister in law just found out she is pregnant. She is unmarried and young. I have PCOS and I want to be excited for my future sister in law. But my jelously and anger are getting in the way.

I cant help but feel that she doesnt deserve this little blessing. She didnt even try to conceive. And she is also no where near ready or responsible.

It just isnt fair that I have to try so hard to conceive. And then on top of trying to get pregnant trying to carry to term. I feel so alone with this.

I keep hearing from other women that they “know what im going through.” Oh do you? You know what it’s like to wake up every morning and one of the first things you have to do is take meds just to TRY and increase your fertility? You know what it’'s like to have to sit on the sidelines while friends and family get to jump in and fully submerge themselves in this wonderful experience? Meanwhile the women saying this have 3-4 kids bouncing off the walls… oh yeah… you totally understand!

When will people around me REALLY understand? I’m in pain… and i’m scared… and I’m mad. And they JUST DONT GET IT!

 

[LittleDeb]

Hey everyone, I’m new here. LittleDeb made me join. I am getting married in July. I haven’t been on the most Catholic road, but I am working my way back. My future sister in law just found out she is pregnant. She is unmarried and young. I have PCOS and I want to be excited for my future sister in law. But my jelously and anger are getting in the way.
When will people around me REALLY understand? I'm in pain... and i'm scared.... and I'm mad. And they JUST DONT GET IT!

Welcome dear friend. Sorry your name cut off. To all…her name is ‘Will’s firecracker,’ but CAF has a limit of characters.

Vent away. I am so proud of all that you are doing to straighten out your own situation. God will bless you. I know He will. I am glad you are foregoing the big wedding to do this right for God.

I am so sorry for how you feel about your future SIL. I remember how frustrated I was when my older, married sister was pregnant with her second before my first was conceived. I cannot fathom what you are going through. I am so sorry. I am so glad you joined here. These folks will have a lot of helpful things to say.

Welcome to CAF! I hope you stay around!

 

[SeekerJen]

I hear you, Willsfirecracker. DH and I just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, so it’s been 4 years since we decided to actively try for a pregnancy. Meanwhile, my 22-year-old cousin, who got pregnant with her son at age 17, barely finished high school, has a low-paying job, and lives in rent-controlled housing with food stamps, just announced that she’s pregnant again. This time the father is her 27-year-old boyfriend (not her son’s father) who already has 4 daughters with his ex-wife. Sigh. Three years ago that news might have done me in. I’m pretty numb at this point.

Anyway, welcome. I’m always sorry to see another woman posting here, but I’m glad you’ve found this very supportive community.

 

[dkoinzan]

It can be hard to watch other’s have children when they really aren’t living a life that would be called holy, but to me it is sad. there is a young women who I know that is now having her second child out of wedlock. Both children have different father’s. At first I felt angry because she concieved when she should have and she did it so easily and here I buried the last two of our children. My son and daughter would have had both Mother and Father and we are married…etc…

I prayed very hard about the situation and studied the Theology of the Body. I really feel that God puts in your life what you need to get to heaven. I miss my babies more than I can put to words and I may not have a chance to concieve again and if I do, I will be afraid to breath for fear that child may also die. Even through all of this, I wouldn’t trade one day of that suffering to be in someone elses shoes. Once I figured out that the life God has given to me is the one that I need to get to heaven, an incredible peace grew up out of the suffering. I can’t describe the agony of giving birth to those two children and holding their dead little bodies. It was so hard, but I felt the presence of God in the room and there was an undescribable peace knowing that if I gave myself up to his will, it would be ok and he would make good come out of it. I know the women that has the two children out of wedlock does not know that suffering, but she also doesn’t know that peace. I feel sorry for her because there is a lot she will have to account for and I pray for her and her little ones.

I would never trade my two little Saints for her two little ones that she is raising.

I don’t want to discourage anyone from venting, but look at what God wants for you. He wants the best…He wants heaven for you…Ask him what it is that he wants for you to do and then ask for the streingth to do it…If you do, there will be peace and joy even in the suffering. None of us are going to get out of hear without our lumps. He took his on the cross…It would be silly of me to think that I could get out of hear without mine.

 

[Miserissima]

Hi again, my TTC pals. My husband is finally home from Iraq and I have beenprayinf to St. Anne and Our Blessed Mother, drinking water, taking guiafensin, and losing weight against my PCOS. Please remember us in your prayers, as we will remember you nightly.

Congrats to those who have conceived, may those who have lost children be of hope for God’s plan, and those who are trying to conceive wait for God’s good time (like me!).

XOXO
Mis