Infertility

[Ferdinand_Mary]

**NOTICE: **Before posting on this thread, please disable any pregnancy tickers in your signature out of respect for those dealing with infertility.

The purpose of this thread is for people who are infertile to express their feelings and share their experiences/solicit advice from those who are also infertile. The former thread on this topic was lost, so please feel free to resume any conversations which were formerly in progress.

Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand Mary

 

[Giannawannabe]

Ferdinand Mary,

Could you please post that article about infertility again? I can’t remember the authors or other particulars. It was very encouraging and uplifting for me, and I’m sure it would be for others, as well.

Thank you!

 

[Ferdinand_Mary]

Certainly. The article comes from the April issue of This Rock, our apologetics magazine. The authors are Jameson and Jennifer Taylor, who have struggled with infertility for nearly five years and are currently writing The Gift of Infertility, a guide for Catholic couples struggling with infertility.

This Rock placed the following articles in the issue:

**Infertility Terms You Need to Know

**Babies Deserve Better - What you need to know if you’re struggling with infertility

**Further Reading
**
Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand Mary

 

[Pumpkin]

On the origional Infertility thread b4 the forums went down I introduced myself. DH and I have been TTC a little over 2 years now. We have never been pregnant.

We are beginning to look into adoption after 2 years of TTC using NFP, Fertility Care and Creighton. Does anyone know the age limitations that adoption agencies place on couples? A friend of mine who adopted said that our local Catholic Social Services considers people over the age of 35 old they do not adopt to people over 35. Have any of you experienced similar issues? DH is 36 and I will be 32 in Dec.

3 more questions…
How emotionally taxing was the the adoption process for you?
Was it as emotionally difficult as the monthly ups and downs you experienced while TTC without any success?

Also, I am 100% convinced about adoption, DH is still fearful of being able to love a child that is not his own as much as a biological child. How did you or your spouses overcome this fear?

Thanks in advance!
Pumpkin

 

[SeekerJen]

Also, I am 100% convinced about adoption, DH is still fearful of being able to love a child that is not his own as much as a biological child. How did you or your spouses overcome this fear?

My husband’s not 100% convinced about it either, although he’s become more and more open to it during the past 26 months of infertility. We won’t be able to afford it until I’m out of school, which could be anywhere from 4 to 6 years, so I’m hoping that will be enough time to get him completely on board. It should also be enough time to break our plans to my inlaws. It’s no big deal for my family, three of my cousins are adopted, but it’s one of those things that never happens in my husband’s “perfect” family so I’m not sure what the reaction will be. I’m banking on the likelihood that once everyone (including DH) sees the beautiful child for the first time, the fact that he or she doesn’t have my smile or DH’s blue eyes won’t matter a bit.

Now that I think about it, DH will be at least 35 by the time we can start proceedings. I have no idea what the age limits are, I imagine they’re different for each agency. It’s certainly something to think about. Good luck to you!

 

[janelle]

We adopted our first son after a couple years of infertility. Even though we had always talked about adopting kids, it had all been very theoretical, and we had planned on adopting after having some bio kids. My big sister is adopted, so I always knew that genetic connections didn’t matter. DH was more attached to the idea of a bio kid (specificallly a son) that looked like him. When it became obvious that we would need to adopt if we wanted to be parents, DH realized that he was very afraid of not being able to love a child that didn’t share his DNA.

I practically dragged him to the orientation meeting at an adoption agency. He reluctantly agreed to start attending the training classes. We met lots of people who talked about loving their adopted kids (not to mention my own parents!), but that didn’t convince him. (Meanwhile I’m begging God to change his heart, as I desperately wanted to be a mom.) An experience with his first nephew changed his mind. When his nephew was about 2 weeks old, DH was holding him, and he was totally overcome with love for the little guy. He realized that if he could love this little kid who was just barely related to him, and who was not his to raise, he could probably love a child given to him to raise.

When we adopted our son, of course it proved true. When our second son was born to us, there was no longer any doubt that biology didn’t matter a bit.

Now, after a miscarriage in January, infertility seems to be our lot again. We’ve moved since our first adoption, so we have to find a new adoption agency and start the process all over again. Homestudy, classes, intrusive questions - what a huge pain in the rear. But the result - a new child of our own - will be worth every bit of it.

Janelle

 

[aurora77]

Now that I think about it, DH will be at least 35 by the time we can start proceedings. I have no idea what the age limits are, I imagine they’re different for each agency. It’s certainly something to think about. Good luck to you!

I’ve worried about the age limits as well. My husband is 11 years older than me, so he’s 40 now and we haven’t begun seriously looking into adoption yet.

If your DH is uncertain about loving a child who isn’t biologically his; my mom had a great analogy about that. When we marry, we promise to love and honor someone with whom we have absolutely no other ties than the marriage vows. We’re not related by blood, yet we become one flesh. It’s a similar situation with adopted children.

 

[Teakafrog]

Glad this thread is starting up again! I think we need it.

Each agency has it’s own rules about age limits. Also if you are looking into international adoption, each country has it’s own rules too. So my best advice is to check into several agencies before signing anything. Just call to get info.
That is the first step, research. Don’t limit yourself to one or two agencies, try to find out as much about all different types of adoption as you can, so that you can make an informed decision. You’ll know which one feels like a good fit for your family.

As for loving adopted kids, I don’t know how anyone could have a problem once you actually get your child. We had one bio son, then about 9 yrs of infertility before we adopted our daughter. Of course we both thought ‘how can we love her as much?’, but it only took me holding her in my arms and her looking into my eyes and I was in love. DH didn’t take much longer. Now we sometimes forget she is adopted. She is just our daughter. There is no distinction. We would have had the same question if we had been able to have another bio child, how can you love the second as much as the first? But you do. There is always enough love in a mother’s or father’s heart for more kids. Now awaiting our third child, I no longer have that question. I know I will love her as much as I love my other 2.

Tammy

 

[Pumpkin]

. It should also be enough time to break our plans to my inlaws…but it’s one of those things that never happens in my husband’s “perfect” family so I’m not sure what the reaction will be. I’m banking on the likelihood that once everyone (including DH) sees the beautiful child for the first time, the fact that he or she doesn’t have my smile or DH’s blue eyes won’t matter a bit.

My DH family is full of fertile myrtles that are able to get PG just by walking next to their DHs. I guess I never thought about what they would think. It is probably the same as the other advice once they see the child and the love we have for the child how could they not also love your child.

If your DH is uncertain about loving a child who isn’t biologically his; my mom had a great analogy about that. When we marry, we promise to love and honor someone with whom we have absolutely no other ties than the marriage vows. We’re not related by blood, yet we become one flesh. It’s a similar situation with adopted children.

Thanks this is very good. Ultimately I am not worried he wouldn’t love an adopted child, it is just those initial conversations about the topic that are so hard and I think he is more worried about his own short commings that I am, because he is so loving with children. He still believes deep in his heart we will someday conceive. I believe it is in God’s hands, in the mean time I know we would make excellent parents so we should not wait just because we may have children one day.

Each agency has it’s own rules about age limits. Also if you are looking into international adoption, each country has it’s own rules too. So my best advice is to check into several agencies before signing anything. Just call to get info.
That is the first step, research. Don’t limit yourself to one or two agencies, try to find out as much about all different types of adoption as you can, so that you can make an informed decision. You’ll know which one feels like a good fit for your family.

Good Advice!
Teakafrog;:

As for loving adopted kids, I don’t know how anyone could have a problem once you actually get your child. We had one bio son, then about 9 yrs of infertility before we adopted our daughter. Of course we both thought ‘how can we love her as much?’, but it only took me holding her in my arms and her looking into my eyes and I was in love. DH didn’t take much longer. Now we sometimes forget she is adopted. She is just our daughter. There is no distinction. We would have had the same question if we had been able to have another bio child, how can you love the second as much as the first? But you do. There is always enough love in a mother’s or father’s heart for more kids. Now awaiting our third child, I no longer have that question. I know I will love her as much as I love my other 2. Tammy

Now this make me so happy and full of goose bumps thanks for sharing.

 

[Giannawannabe]

On the origional Infertility thread b4 the forums went down I introduced myself. DH and I have been TTC a little over 2 years now. We have never been pregnant.

We are beginning to look into adoption after 2 years of TTC using NFP, Fertility Care and Creighton. Does anyone know the age limitations that adoption agencies place on couples? A friend of mine who adopted said that our local Catholic Social Services considers people over the age of 35 old they do not adopt to people over 35. Have any of you experienced similar issues? DH is 36 and I will be 32 in Dec.

3 more questions…
How emotionally taxing was the the adoption process for you?
Was it as emotionally difficult as the monthly ups and downs you experienced while TTC without any success?

Also, I am 100% convinced about adoption, DH is still fearful of being able to love a child that is not his own as much as a biological child. How did you or your spouses overcome this fear?

Thanks in advance!
Pumpkin

Hi Pumpkin!

I know lots of people who adopted when they were 40+ years old. My neighbor and her dh just adopted #3, and they are both almost 46. First kid came when they were both almost 40. In many circumstances, the birthmom chooses the adoptive family. Being older is sometimes a big PLUS! In foreign adoption, especially in Asia, they prefer older parents. Sometimes the age limit is 47 in some countries. So, you have time.

We have 3 adopted children. We had so many worries at first. Dh’s family is prejudiced (we have a multiracial family), uncertainty about what society would think, “could we love an adopted child”? Well, it all went out the window the VERY MINUTE I held #1 baby in my arms. The love and joy I had in my heart for that child has just grown. Same with DH. Each child is loved the same. If adoption is the path God has chosen for you, then the graces to to travel that path will be given to you.

I have to go…one of my sweet little blessings wants me to help her with homework.

 

[Teakafrog]

Oh, and as for how family members react-- EVERYONE in both sides of our families and all of our friends love our daughter as much as we do. Especially the Grandmas! They place no distinction at all between her and our bio son. They are both spoiled rotten! No one at all treats her differently. In fact, when we go to any kind of family event, or friends gathering, we never see her, because everyone else wants a chance to hold her and play with her! She’s just another grandchild/cousin/niece. The grandparents are just happy to have another baby to love, it doesn’t matter what she looks like (even though she IS beautiful ).
Tammy

 

[aurora77]

Thanks this is very good. Ultimately I am not worried he wouldn’t love an adopted child, it is just those initial conversations about the topic that are so hard and I think he is more worried about his own short commings that I am, because he is so loving with children. He still believes deep in his heart we will someday conceive. I believe it is in God’s hands, in the mean time I know we would make excellent parents so we should not wait just because we may have children one day.

DH and I are in the same position. He wants to keep trying before we seriously consider adoption–I even bought an ovulation kit this month to get a little extra help. It’s been 2 years now and no luck. I’m thinking that I’ll be 30 next year and really want to get going on having a family. It’s in God’s hands, though, like you said. I’m going to start really looking at adoption and then when the time comes and DH is ready–I’ll have a lot of the info.

 

[Teakafrog]

DH and I are in the same position. He wants to keep trying before we seriously consider adoption–I even bought an ovulation kit this month to get a little extra help. It’s been 2 years now and no luck. I’m thinking that I’ll be 30 next year and really want to get going on having a family. It’s in God’s hands, though, like you said. I’m going to start really looking at adoption and then when the time comes and DH is ready–I’ll have a lot of the info.

Have you done any medical testing? There may be something simple that can be corrected. If you have a diagnosis, you have a lot more options of how to proceed. There are many acceptable forms of treatment that do not violate Church teaching. Also, check into an NFP class. It can tell you whether you are ovulating too. Especially helpful is a NaPro program that uses NFP basics to help you achieve, not avoid pregnancy by tracking your cycles and ovulation patterns. Just some ideas if you haven’t started any of this yet.

 

[aurora77]

Teak–we haven’t done any testing yet. My next doctor’s appointment is in November, I’m going to talk to her about how to proceed. We haven’t taken an NFP class; I’ll have to see if someone in my church could teach it; as far as I know the closest classes are about 45 minutes away. Surely we’re not the only ones who’d be interested in such a class. I’ve done some reading and attempted to track things on my own, and either I’m not ovulating, or I’m not doing something correctly (my CM is never like I’ve read it should be, my temps are all strange).

 

[Pumpkin]

Teak–we haven’t done any testing yet. My next doctor’s appointment is in November, I’m going to talk to her about how to proceed. We haven’t taken an NFP class; I’ll have to see if someone in my church could teach it; as far as I know the closest classes are about 45 minutes away. Surely we’re not the only ones who’d be interested in such a class. I’ve done some reading and attempted to track things on my own, and either I’m not ovulating, or I’m not doing something correctly (my CM is never like I’ve read it should be, my temps are all strange).

What gets difficult is the constant up and down each month. I have tried several different NFP programs, we now use the Creighton Method with their Fertility Care System. My temps were all over the place and we were to the minute with the time of the temps as well as very consistent sleep times. The ovulation predictor kits (OPK) made nuts too, plus they are so expensive. The Creighton Method does not make us obsess so much. They can also identify problems that will improve your health even if they do not restore fertility.
So I would recommend seeing a doctor that is either a reproductive endocrinologist(RE) or more importantly if you can find one a NaPro Technology trained physician. Visit this website with the pope paul VI institute http://www.fertilitycare.org/teacher.htm & fertilitycare.org/napro/index.html

Regular OB/GYNs just are not in tune. Mine did nothing for me, in fact if we were still relying on her we would not be as far along as we have come. So you may want to search for a MD that will work with your cycles. My RE diagnosed a thyroid adenoma that all my OB/GYN missed (probably for years!) The RE tried to push IVF so we no longer go to her.

If you can’t find someone close by for the Creighton, contact the closest one and see if they have any suggestions. Also they can work with the CM to improve that as well too.

 

[Teakafrog]

:yup: What Pumpkin said! I spent years at regular OB/GYNs who couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I finally went to a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist-- a Dr. who specializes in infertility) and he glanced at my history, took one look at me, and said’ “You have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome).” An ultrasound that day proved him right-- I had lots of huge cysts on my ovaries, so I obviously wasn’t ovulating.

So from the RE, I finally got a diagnosis. He put me on meds, then proceeded to insist that the only way I would ever get pregnant again was to do IVF. Needless to say, we declined that option! So I started to research, and found that our local NFP office did the Creighton method FertilityCare program, or NaPro, started by Dr. Hilgers at the Pope Paul VI Institute. (Google any of this stuff for more info). We started going there for further treatment, they adjusted my meds, checked hormone levels at specific days of my cycle based on Creighton method charting (no more crazy temps to try to figure out!), and put me on hormonal supplements–progesterone. It took a while to get my body back into balance until I saw signs of ovulation again-- good cervical mucus.

Long story short–it worked. I am now pregnant after 10 years of trying. In fact, our adopted daughter was only 10 months old when I got pg. God does choose to bless us in His own timing! But everything we did, all the testing, all the meds and treatments (I didn’t come near to listing them all) were acceptable according to Church teaching. No IVF or anything else that would be unethical to do. Of course, if it hadn’t worked, we would still have our adopted daughter, and plans to adopt again. God just surprises us sometimes! I’m telling of our success only to give hope to those of you still trying. It CAN be done without violating Church teaching on the sanctity of life.

 

[mom2boyz]

You get the children God has always intended for you. For most it is the old fashioned way. For those of us very special folks, it is though adoption. Since time is all present to God, He has alway intended it this way. Sometimes it takes us chronological time to get on board with His plan. But it is/was always His plan, not one He thought up just because we were infertile. Only we think there is an alternative.

My bio son and my adopted son look more alike than my friend’s three bio sons do. People who don’t know tell me all the time how much they look like brothers. Who knows what your future adoptive children will look like or be like. My adopted son has more of a temperament like me than my bio son. As for loving him, I can’t imagine my life without him. I am so glad I get to be his mommy. I tell him this all the time. I did have some of those same fears. It is just like the fears you have when you get married. I think those fears are the obstacles to overcome.

My husband and I are in our 40’s and are adopting again.

 

[aurora77]

You get the children God has always intended for you.

My mom was telling me this just the other day. My parents went through a 6 year period of secondary infertility after having me and then proceeded to have my brothers within a couple of years. She said that all that time they wanted another baby, when really they were just waiting until the right ones came along. I thought that was the neatest idea.

 

[Pumpkin]

Long story short–it worked. I am now pregnant after 10 years of trying.

10 years…that gives me hope.

You get the children God has always intended for you. For most it is the old fashioned way. For those of us very special folks, it is though adoption. Since time is all present to God, He has alway intended it this way. Sometimes it takes us chronological time to get on board with His plan. But it is/was always His plan, not one He thought up just because we were infertile. Only we think there is an alternative.
My husband and I are in our 40’s and are adopting again.

That is wonderful. I have a couple of coworkers that have adopted and their children look heaven sent especially for their families too.

 

[Pumpkin]

In many circumstances, the birthmom chooses the adoptive family. Being older is sometimes a big PLUS! In foreign adoption, especially in Asia, they prefer older parents. Sometimes the age limit is 47 in some countries. So, you have time.

You are the second person this week who has said this about “older” adults (I certianly do not consider that/us old .) being first choice in some situations. It would make sense to me, we would be able to provide very well for a child that would come into our lives because we are well established. Plus I know DH would be a wonderful dad.

We have 3 adopted children. We had so many worries at first. Dh’s family is prejudiced (we have a multiracial family), uncertainty about what society would think, “could we love an adopted child”? Well, it all went out the window the VERY MINUTE I held #1 baby in my arms. The love and joy I had in my heart for that child has just grown. Same with DH. Each child is loved the same. If adoption is the path God has chosen for you, then the graces to to travel that path will be given to you. I have to go…one of my sweet little blessings wants me to help her with homework.

What a blessing your famiy sounds like.