Infidelity and on the brink of divorce

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CatholicTina

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Hi there fellow Catholics. I have posted here before about my marriage troubles. My husband has always wanted me to do sexual acts that were not permitted by the church. When I finally put my foot down in 2013 and said no more he decided to cheat on me and sleep with other women since he wasn’t getting his sexual needs met. I was unaware he was having sex with other women this whole time.

While he says he is sorry he hurt me, he is not sorry for what he did. He is now debating if he wants to stay married if I won’t do these things. He said when we got married he thought all sexual things were on the table and I flipped the script. We are planning to separate for awhile so he can decide if he can be faithful if his needs aren’t being met and I am deciding if he’s a person I need to be with.

I too am considering a divorce. I feel like a terrible mother as I have three children including a 5 week newborn. My husband and I are pleasant around the kids and they don’t know what’s going on so they have a stable environment. I feel terrible taking them out of the stability of having a mother and father in the home but I just don’t feel like I can live with my husband cheating.

I’m so confused.
 
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I’m so sorry; what a time to spring this on you! I hope you know that his cheating isn’t your fault. Prayers for peace and good judgment.
 
Your posts go back to 2015 with his cheating and making promises he breaks. You also stated in one post that he cheated on you BEFORE you were married.

This is a cheater, plain and simple. He’s shown for over 8 years that he is a serial cheater who bullies you about your faith and tries to get you to do things he knows you don’t want to do. In 2015 you wrote you had been together 10 years but had never gotten along.

If he leaves, my position is that it is good riddance. Frankly, I think you’ve been beating a dead horse for 10 years now.
 
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I’m so sorry.

You are not a terrible mother at all. His treatment of you has been appalling, and I’m so glad you’ve put your foot down and stopped doing things you are morally opposed to. No husband should demand sexual favours when he knows you don’t want to give them, and no husband should say in response to your refusal that he now ‘deserves’ sex elsewhere.

I suggest you talk to your Priest about everything. See a lawyer, too.
1ke said:
If he leave, my position is that it is good riddance.
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I completely agree. You need to do what is best for you and your children - and that is not having a serial adulterer for a husband.
 
Do not marry someone expecting them to change.

He cheated before you married. He cheated in 2015.

He has been mocking your faith for all of those years.

The answers are still the same. Have you been tested for STIs? You need to, because you do not want to expose your child during childbirth.

Do you want your children to have this example of how married people treat each other (because no matter how well you think you hide it from them, kids hear and see much.)
 
Hi. Yes I was tested for STDs at 32 weeks pregnant. It was humiliating. All negative though. No I would never want my kids to be treated this way. If I can’t get an annulment I will spend the rest of my life alone. This makes me so sad.
 
Take it one step at a time.

Talk to a counselor now. Talk to your pastor. Talk to your best friend. Put together your safety net of people.

“Get an annullment” is not a thing. What will happen, after a civil divorce, one year later you will be able to sit down with an Advocate from the Tribunal and talk about a case.

The Tribunal will decide if they will review your attempt at marriage. If they accept the case, they will then do a deep investigation. You will need witnesses who knew both/each of you prior to and at the time of the wedding.

The Tribunal will decide if on that day, at that wedding, if a valid marriage was formed.

If they find something was lacking, they will issue papers that say the attempt at marriage you made was null.

This is down the road. The first thing you need to do is to get you and your children to a safe place.
 
CatholicTina said:
No I would never want my kids to be treated this way. If I can’t get an annulment I will spend the rest of my life alone. This makes me so sad.
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Of course you wouldn’t want your children to be treated this way, none of us would.
As someone who dealt with a cheating spouse, you might be surprised to find that being single is just fine. It gives you a chance to focus on yourself and children.

Trying to keep a marriage with a cheater is an awful burden to bear. The catechism isn’t joking when it says it’s a grave wrong against marriage and family.

Please don’t take the blame by your husband. He knows good and well that marriage takes many sexual behaviors off of the table. You didn’t flip anything, he did!

PS: Congrats on your new baby!
 
You have given him too many breaks. Please, see your priest, see a lawyer, and end this so-called marriage. You’re made for better things, than giving a serial cheater a soft place to return, after his sin.

Please, I’m putting it as mildly as I can…God loves you, and created you for better things! He wants you to be happy. I doubt your husband cares as he should.

God Bless you and your children!
 
I think the question is, what do YOU want? Do you want a divorce, or do you want to stay married? If it’s the latter, talk to people who have successful marriages.

Consider what YOU are willing to do to keep the marriage together. It is pointless to talk about what HE should do – he’s not part of this dialog.

I have some questions about “sexual acts that were not permitted by the church.” It is my understanding that there is no sincere sexual act within the bonds of marriage that is inherently sinful. Pope John Paul II said there is no part of the human body that cannot be kissed.
 
vern_humphrey said:
I have some questions about “sexual acts that were not permitted by the church.” It is my understanding that there is no sincere sexual act within the bonds of marriage that is inherently sinful. Pope John Paul II said there is no part of the human body that cannot be kissed.
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The completion of the act has to be normal intercourse. If the man is wanting to ejaculate somewhere other than the vagina, it’s a problem.

However, I think the bigger problem here is that this lady has been married to a serial cheater for years, he is not going to change, and it’s highly likely that even if she gave in to his demands on sexual acts he would just find some other excuse for his cheating behavior.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
However, I think the bigger problem here is that this lady has been married to a serial cheater for years, he is not going to change, and it’s highly likely that even if she gave in to his demands on sexual acts he would just find some other excuse for his cheating behavior.
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I agree with you – it’s probably too late to take action to save this marriage.
 
I asked my husband for a divorce last night. I am so sad and lost. I am offering up my suffering for the conversion of his soul.
 
❤️ I’m sending you a massive virtual hug, @CatholicTina. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Let those who love you, truly love you, support you and take care of you.
 
Just from reading your posts on this board, we know that this has been going on for years! You did the right thing. Get a good lawyer, and don’t let anyone try to guilt you into staying in this ‘marriage’. You were made for better things. So were your children.
 
Praying for you. I have gone through a divorce, and it was painful, but I was so much safer and happier when all was said and done.
 
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