Infidelity and reoccurance

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blessedwith3

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My husband had an affair with another woman who hr says he had sex with twice, but slept with her about 5 or 6 times. Hr says he should not have had sex with her but having a friendship with her, even without my knowledge was not wrong. I was wondering if he is really remorseful, what is the likelihood of this occurring again. I was the only person he had ever been with, he always said he would never cheat and I believed it because he always treated me like the most beautiful thing in the world. I am so confused and distraught because I can’t fathom how anyone, especially him would let it get that far, he could have stopped at any time. Is it possible for him to repent and br faithful to me for the rest of out lives, and how do we heal and build back trust?
 
It’s possible for him to stop and never cheat again. However, I would definitely need time for him to earn your trust back. Is he cutting off all contact with the other woman?
 
He has not cut off contact via text, he said he has not seen her. He is still at home but contemplating divorce, but the situation is complicated because one day he is telling me he doesn’t like me at all and the next he will always love me. I am praying so hard to keep my family together, but I know I cannot change his will. I just feel like I need encouragement.
 
blessedwith3 said:
He has not cut off contact via text, he said he has not seen her. He is still at home but contemplating divorce, but the situation is complicated because one day he is telling me he doesn’t like me at all and the next he will always love me. I am praying so hard to keep my family together, but I know I cannot change his will. I just feel like I need encouragement.
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I understand. While my husband isn’t having an affair, he’s also still at home but unhappy with me and “not in love”.

I would be willing to work things out with him IF he is willing to cut contact 100% and seek professional counseling or go to Retrouvaille.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the midst of trying to repair my marriage after my husband’s affair.

To answer your question- yes you can get through this, but only if you are both 100% committed to rebuilding trust and moving forward.

The day I found out I gave him a simple choice- stay with your family and work on this marriage or leave. There was no in-between or thinking it over. He chose to leave saying it would be just too hard to repair this. By that night he had called and decided he wanted to keep our family together. I agreed because I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t try.

First order of business was that this “relationship” had to be over, I needed proof, and all contact had to stop. On his own volition, he gave me his passwords to his phone, computer, iPad and email. I could check any time I wanted. Over time, I realized nothing was going on and my trust slowly improved. He also went to see a priest to make a confession. If it were not for these things, I’m not sure I would have been able to build that trust again. He also agreed to go to counseling both by himself with his own therapist and with me as a couple. We also signed up for Retrouvaille.

It has been hard work, but it should be hard work. It has been 5 months since I found out and it is still a struggle- more on some days than others.

The point I’m making is that yes there is light at the end of this abyss, but it only comes with lots of work and complete openness and honesty on both parts. My husband understood that because of his actions he lost his right to privacy since I could not possibly trust him ever if I was always wondering what he was doing.
 
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. As for cheating again, it’s hard to call. What concerns me more is the back and forth wavering in his feelings for you. It sounds like he could use a therapist to work with. Maybe both of you at some time, but for now, I would see if you could get him to talk to someone, at minimum to clarify what he feels and what he needs to do. If this does not happen, things will not get better. What ever started this whole situation inside him needs to be dealt with before healing can begin between you two. My prayers are with you.
 
Kiltman said:
I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. As for cheating again, it’s hard to call. What concerns me more is the back and forth wavering in his feelings for you. It sounds like he could use a therapist to work with. Maybe both of you at some time, but for now, I would see if you could get him to talk to someone, at minimum to clarify what he feels and what he needs to do. If this does not happen, things will not get better. What ever started this whole situation inside him needs to be dealt with before healing can begin between you two. My prayers are with you.
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Yes! 👍 This is precisely why I insisted my husband see a therapist. I was convinced he was depressed (the therapist disagrees), but more importantly I wanted him to sort out what brought him to a place of doing something so seemingly out of character. He was unable to answer the question himself, so that’s what a therapist is there for.
 
I went through a situation that was more confusion and jealousy than what you went through.
But there is no in-between in these situations. No contact with the other person, no-how no-way. If he is not willing to be married to you and only you, then you have your answer. Hopefully he values his family
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“Forsaking all others”
 
travissbeloved said:
retrouvaille.org/

This would be a good resource for you
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Retrouvaille is great, but you both need to be committed to the weekend. Additionally, all contact must stop. In fact, prior to your weekend one of the coordinators will call you to ask a few questions and one is that you must agree that if there has been infidelity that all contact must be ended with the 3rd party.
 
My best advice is just an echo. If I were you I’d tell him he has to be 100% committed to the marriage and family, he has to go to therapy either together or separately and he has to cut off all contact with the other woman NOW. Any fool can say they’re sorry and won’t do it again. What matters is acting like you’re sorry and won’t do it again. If he’s not willing to do all of the above then I think I’d be the one unwilling to continue being married.

I am so sorry for the hurt and fear you must be feeling. I’ve been there. It is a rough road.
 
I feel really bad for you. If he really loves you, he will do anything to stay with you. Give him an ultimatum: if he doesn’t stop talking with the other woman, you are going to get an annulment ( I’m pretty sure there is grounds for that here). The best of luck to you!
 
PhiloMed said:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the midst of trying to repair my marriage after my husband’s affair.

To answer your question- yes you can get through this, but only if you are both 100% committed to rebuilding trust and moving forward.

The day I found out I gave him a simple choice- stay with your family and work on this marriage or leave. There was no in-between or thinking it over. He chose to leave saying it would be just too hard to repair this. By that night he had called and decided he wanted to keep our family together. I agreed because I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t try.

First order of business was that this “relationship” had to be over, I needed proof, and all contact had to stop. On his own volition, he gave me his passwords to his phone, computer, iPad and email. I could check any time I wanted. Over time, I realized nothing was going on and my trust slowly improved. He also went to see a priest to make a confession. If it were not for these things, I’m not sure I would have been able to build that trust again. He also agreed to go to counseling both by himself with his own therapist and with me as a couple. We also signed up for Retrouvaille.

It has been hard work, but it should be hard work. It has been 5 months since I found out and it is still a struggle- more on some days than others.

The point I’m making is that yes there is light at the end of this abyss, but it only comes with lots of work and complete openness and honesty on both parts. My husband understood that because of his actions he lost his right to privacy since I could not possibly trust him ever if I was always wondering what he was doing.
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My husband is not committed to our relationship. He says he is unhappy and we are getting a divorce. He has not filed yet, but that is because he wants a no fault divorce and we have to be separated for 6 months first, but now is contemplating filing sooner with different reasons. He says he knows our relationship will never work because even if he wanted me, he will never cut off being friends with this other woman. I am really jot handling this well, and even though I try to get on day to day, he is still around and I am panicky and distraught. We just got into another argument of Me trying to convince our marriage is worth it and him arguing back that it has been horrible and we should have never been married. I tried telling him that God would not have let us get married, have two kids with another on the way if it was not his will for us to stay together.
Anyway, I have been trying to stay strong so he would stay around, but I finally told him to get his stuff out of here because I can’t handle him always just being here, no talking just here. I don’t want him to leave, obviously I want him to want us, and I have been up and down, but I feel like just giving up and letting him leave and never looking back. I really do love him, but I am so hurt. What do I do now? My prayers are not working and I aam a mess all day everyday. Its so upsetting because you both make all these plans and build a life and it only takes one to end it all.
 
blessedwith3 said:
My husband is not committed to our relationship. He says he is unhappy and we are getting a divorce. He has not filed yet, but that is because he wants a no fault divorce and we have to be separated for 6 months first, but now is contemplating filing sooner with different reasons. He says he knows our relationship will never work because even if he wanted me, he will never cut off being friends with this other woman. I am really jot handling this well, and even though I try to get on day to day, he is still around and I am panicky and distraught. We just got into another argument of Me trying to convince our marriage is worth it and him arguing back that it has been horrible and we should have never been married. I tried telling him that God would not have let us get married, have two kids with another on the way if it was not his will for us to stay together.
Anyway, I have been trying to stay strong so he would stay around, but I finally told him to get his stuff out of here because I can’t handle him always just being here, no talking just here. I don’t want him to leave, obviously I want him to want us, and I have been up and down, but I feel like just giving up and letting him leave and never looking back. I really do love him, but I am so hurt. What do I do now? My prayers are not working and I aam a mess all day everyday. Its so upsetting because you both make all these plans and build a life and it only takes one to end it all.
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😦 Sorry to hear that. If he doesn’t want to cut off ties with the other woman then I agree that he needs to get out.
 
So he’s basically leaving you for the other woman? Well, give it some time and let him know that you still want to work on the marriage if he changes his mind and wants to 100% commit. Maybe after some time with his paramour reality will set in and he’ll realize she isn’t perfect and that he wants to come home. But don’t count on it. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
 
MJJean said:
So he’s basically leaving you for the other woman?Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
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I think his plan was to yes leave me for the other woman because he wanted the divorce “right now” meaning he was trying for a 30 day divorce, bt his reasoning was he wasn’t happy with me, then I found ot about her. Now he has said that she is going on some dates and that they don’t talk much but he wants her as a friend- I know this will not work I am just hoping he opens his eyes. Let me say he has only known her for 5 weeks, he thinks he is in love, obviously confused by the difference between lust and love. Anyway, now it is back to me being the problem, he knows he can never be happy with me and will never be “in love” with me again.

You know before I met him, I never heard the phrase before and I use to.point it out when he said it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. It makes me think back to our life, and it may sound stupid bt he is really a good man just making some bad decisions. I can’t control anything, but I hope he can turn it around for himself and our family.
 
PhiloMed said:
First order of business was that this “relationship” had to be over, I needed proof, and all contact had to stop. On his own volition, he gave me his passwords to his phone, computer, iPad and email. I could check any time I wanted. Over time, I realized nothing was going on and my trust slowly improved. He also went to see a priest to make a confession. If it were not for these things, I’m not sure I would have been able to build that trust again. He also agreed to go to counseling both by himself with his own therapist and with me as a couple. We also signed up for Retrouvaille.
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This is KEY to making a marriage work after infidelity. Complete openness, transparency, willingness to sever all ties with the “other” person.

It doesn’t sound like this is something your husband is willing to do. No one can tell you what to do because each circumstance is different. If it was me, I would tell him that I want to work it out. Tell him what I needed (as the writer stated in the quote). Tell him that I cannot force him to stay but that I will NOT sign the divorce papers. Then pray. That is all you really can do. Do not give him the easy out by signing. If anything it would buy you more time for prayer so that maybe God can reach his heart and shake him back into his senses. You and your family are in my prayers.
 
blessedwith3 said:
I think his plan was to yes leave me for the other woman because he wanted the divorce “right now” meaning he was trying for a 30 day divorce, bt his reasoning was he wasn’t happy with me, then I found ot about her. Now he has said that she is going on some dates and that they don’t talk much but he wants her as a friend- I know this will not work I am just hoping he opens his eyes. Let me say he has only known her for 5 weeks, he thinks he is in love, obviously confused by the difference between lust and love. Anyway, now it is back to me being the problem, he knows he can never be happy with me and will never be “in love” with me again.

You know before I met him, I never heard the phrase before and I use to.point it out when he said it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. It makes me think back to our life, and it may sound stupid bt he is really a good man just making some bad decisions. I can’t control anything, but I hope he can turn it around for himself and our family.
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He lied about the affair originally right? Said it was just emotional or something? Now it comes out he’s been having sex with her. I wouldn’t buy the story he’s handing you now. I’d be willing to bet they aren’t “just friends” right now and that she isn’t dating anyone but him.

Well, if it were me, I’d not grant the quickie divorce. Do what you can to delay so that he has time to really think about what he is doing to you his pregnant wife, and the already born children. Not to mention giving him time to see how his whole life will change. Financially as well as personally. It’s not like a divorce frees him from his obligations to you and the kids. How exciting and fun is this new relationship going to be when he’s paying child support and has to cut expenses and/or work a 2nd job? How much fun will it be when he has the kids for the weekend? I’d be willing to be the shiny new wears off real fast at that point and he learns Ms Perfect isn’t perfect after all.

He certainly isn’t the first man to confuse love and lust in an extra-marital affair. And he certainly isn’t the first man to say he cannot love his wife again. Sometimes, with time, they realize they have made a mistake and come home with the intention of being loving and faithful spouses. Sometimes, they don’t because they think they have taken things too far to back out now.

So, give him some time out there in reality with this woman. Talk to an attorney and check state laws. In my state, without papers filed, if a man moves out of the marital home he has to pay child support and alimony. In some cases he has to pay utilities and rent as well for a set period of time. So, to really let reality hit him before he makes a huge mistake, get him paying and taking the kids for weekends. See if he really has the stomach for this life he thinks he wants.
 
There is not much I believe from him right now, bt he was staying home for a few nights, sleeping on the couch and last night was at his moms, which I did check in on
Now we are back to "I don’t want you"and I am a terrible wreck (I know you have seen my other post). I feel worthless and don’t understand how we could be here
He has completely cut off his family because he doesn’t want to hear what they will say. The problem is, we were having a normal night watching TV the other night and she kept texting, it was after.1am. He wouldn’t tell her to leave him along. I know he “doesn’t want me” but I just don’t believe him. I think there is.more, even.more.than.just the affair. I am not granting a quick divorce, I just hope he will realize his mistake sooner Thames later. He.is completely destroying all of our lives, I am a stay at home mom and due in March, I won’t find a job before then and its not fair that I would need.to start looking right after baby is born. I have kinda lost all hope in ratifying anything and while I wad willing to forgive, he more time that passes the less I want to. What now? What can possibly happen to change his mind/heart. I don’t know how to act and EVERYTHING I do is wrong .
MJJean said:
He lied about the affair originally right? Said it was just emotional or something? Now it comes out he’s been having sex with her. I wouldn’t buy the story he’s handing you now. I’d be willing to bet they aren’t “just friends” right now and that she isn’t dating anyone but him.

Well, if it were me, I’d not grant the quickie divorce. Do what you can to delay so that he has time to really think about what he is doing to you his pregnant wife, and the already born children. Not to mention giving him time to see how his whole life will change. Financially as well as personally. It’s not like a divorce frees him from his obligations to you and the kids. How exciting and fun is this new relationship going to be when he’s paying child support and has to cut expenses and/or work a 2nd job? How much fun will it be when he has the kids for the weekend? I’d be willing to be the shiny new wears off real fast at that point and he learns Ms Perfect isn’t perfect after all.

He certainly isn’t the first man to confuse love and lust in an extra-marital affair. And he certainly isn’t the first man to say he cannot love his wife again. Sometimes, with time, they realize they have made a mistake and come home with the intention of being loving and faithful spouses. Sometimes, they don’t because they think they have taken things too far to back out now.

So, give him some time out there in reality with this woman. Talk to an attorney and check state laws. In my state, without papers filed, if a man moves out of the marital home he has to pay child support and alimony. In some cases he has to pay utilities and rent as well for a set period of time. So, to really let reality hit him before he makes a huge mistake, get him paying and taking the kids for weekends. See if he really has the stomach for this life he thinks he wants.
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Does his mom know all the details about this? Can his family talk some sense into him? I wouldn’t want to be the mom who orders around her grown children but with something like this I would absolutely be pointing out his mistake.
blessedwith3 said:
There is not much I believe from him right now, bt he was staying home for a few nights, sleeping on the couch and last night was at his moms, which I did check in on
Now we are back to "I don’t want you"and I am a terrible wreck (I know you have seen my other post). I feel worthless and don’t understand how we could be here
He has completely cut off his family because he doesn’t want to hear what they will say. The problem is, we were having a normal night watching TV the other night and she kept texting, it was after.1am. He wouldn’t tell her to leave him along. I know he “doesn’t want me” but I just don’t believe him. I think there is.more, even.more.than.just the affair. I am not granting a quick divorce, I just hope he will realize his mistake sooner Thames later. He.is completely destroying all of our lives, I am a stay at home mom and due in March, I won’t find a job before then and its not fair that I would need.to start looking right after baby is born. I have kinda lost all hope in ratifying anything and while I wad willing to forgive, he more time that passes the less I want to. What now? What can possibly happen to change his mind/heart. I don’t know how to act and EVERYTHING I do is wrong .
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