Infidelity and reoccurance

[blessedwith3]

Does his mom know all the details about this? Can his family talk some sense into him? I wouldn’t want to be the mom who orders around her grown children but with something like this I would absolutely be pointing out his mistake.

His mom knows the reason why he first said he wanted divorced, the fights and arguments and he’s not happy, but I doubt she knows about the affair. To be honest, she doesn’t like me and never has and even though I cannot assume, she is probably not too upset. She is the only person my husband will communicate with at this moment, because I got his other family members involved, and he does not want to hear what they have to say. Yes, I agree he needs someone to tell him what the right thing is, but he is purposefully seeking advice from the people who would agree that divorce is the best option (singles, his affair, non Catholics).

 

[bernadettefaith]

His mom knows the reason why he first said he wanted divorced, the fights and arguments and he’s not happy, but I doubt she knows about the affair. To be honest, she doesn’t like me and never has and even though I cannot assume, she is probably not too upset. She is the only person my husband will communicate with at this moment, because I got his other family members involved, and he does not want to hear what they have to say. Yes, I agree he needs someone to tell him what the right thing is, but he is purposefully seeking advice from the people who would agree that divorce is the best option (singles, his affair, non Catholics).

Yeah I guess that wouldn’t help. My in-laws are Catholic and involved in their parish (catechists and choir). However, I still believe they would side with Dh over me, especially if he tells them how unhappy he is (they don’t know). On the other hand, he must not be sure of what they think because he won’t tell them.

 

[blessedwith3]

Yeah I guess that wouldn’t help. My in-laws are Catholic and involved in their parish (catechists and choir). However, I still believe they would side with Dh over me, especially if he tells them how unhappy he is (they don’t know). On the other hand, he must not be sure of what they think because he won’t tell them.

I think don’t get his family involved yet, since he is not pushing for a divorce. I know its hard that things are just stagnant, but you don’t want to push it that direction. However, if your husband does start pushing the D word, do call his parents and talk. If they are catholic and are still together, they have probably been in situations where one or both was not happy, so they may have some really good advice, and his family knowing may help, but not yet.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I think don’t get his family involved yet, since he is not pushing for a divorce. I know its hard that things are just stagnant, but you don’t want to push it that direction. However, if your husband does start pushing the D word, do call his parents and talk. If they are catholic and are still together, they have probably been in situations where one or both was not happy, so they may have some really good advice, and his family knowing may help, but not yet.

Yeah we don’t have the best relationship with his parents (long story) but it’s getting better. I’ve told him that his parents would most likely not support divorce and remarriage and he really doesn’t care. Like your husband, he only wants to hear opinions that support his own

 

[blessedwith3]

Yeah we don’t have the best relationship with his parents (long story) but it’s getting better. I’ve told him that his parents would most likely not support divorce and remarriage and he really doesn’t care. Like your husband, he only wants to hear opinions that support his own

Well I am thinking about suprising him withal Priest house call? What other way can I get through to him

 

[hurtandhealing]

Well I am thinking about suprising him withal Priest house call? What other way can I get through to him

Please, please do not do this. I strongly recommend going to www.affairrecovery.com. They have a list of “common mistakes” the hurt spouse does when he/she discovers an affair. These mistakes make it more difficult to recover the marriage. I see you are online and didn’t want to take the time to look for it myself.

I rarely sign on or check PM’s so if you want to “talk” more further with me, please post so here.

My husband and I are about 5.5 years after his affair. It is possible to recover the marriage even at this stage.

May you feel God’s abundant blessings today.

 

[MJJean]

Well I am thinking about suprising him withal Priest house call? What other way can I get through to him

Yes have the priest come and talk to him if you think it may help. Even if he’s fallen away from faith he might hear a few things from the priest that sink in.

Tell his mom. Heck, tell the whole family. I’d start with “He says he wasn’t happy, blah blah blah. I bought that for a while and was willing to work on things. Then I found out he’s been having an affair.”

I can’t imagine any mother supporting her son when he is having an affair, has a pregnant wife and 2 young children, and is basically whining he wants a divorce so he can go play house with his paramour. Especially considering he could very well end up marrying this woman or just living with her and bringing her to family functions. Then the family will have to deal with the kind of woman who would have an affair with a married man she met 5 or so weeks ago (if I remember right) who has children and a pregnant wife! I’m sure they don’t want to risk having her as part of their lives if she’s the kind of person who could do that.

I am a mother and have a son. I’d kick my son’s butt from here to Tokyo and back if he behaved that way regardless of how I feel about his wife. It’s not about her liking or disliking of you, it’s about her son behaving terribly and it’s about her grandchildren including the one making an appearance sometime in March.

By the way, have you considered confronting this woman yourself, complete with baby belly? I’m not saying argue with her, but simply talk with her and let her get a sense of what she is really participating in. Let her see who she is hurting. Make her put a face to the name. It’s a lot easier to ignore when the people you’re hurting aren’t real to you. Maybe she’d have a conscience and back away.

 

[hurtandhealing]

I did some looking and found the link I was describing: www.affairrecovery.com/index.php?q=20-most-common-mistakes-hurt-spouse. Ultimately, there isn’t much you can do to get through to him. He is living in a fantasy world and he will not open his eyes until he is ready. He is addicted and can’t see it. The best thing you can do is be strong about your needs and do your best to continue living. I will always remember, proudly, the things I did in the immediate aftermath which made me feel empowered.

The people in ARC are experts in affair recovery. They are Christian and believe in working to restore marriages whenever possible. There are resources for both spouses individually and as a couple.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do your best to eat something, sleep and take care of your children.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I did some looking and found the link I was describing: www.affairrecovery.com/index.php?q=20-most-common-mistakes-hurt-spouse. Ultimately, there isn’t much you can do to get through to him. He is living in a fantasy world and he will not open his eyes until he is ready. He is addicted and can’t see it. The best thing you can do is be strong about your needs and do your best to continue living. I will always remember, proudly, the things I did in the immediate aftermath which made me feel empowered.

The people in ARC are experts in affair recovery. They are Christian and believe in working to restore marriages whenever possible. There are resources for both spouses individually and as a couple.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do your best to eat something, sleep and take care of your children.

I agree with this. I don’t think he cares what anyone has to say at this point. My husband is the same way. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t care at all if the priest or his parents said that he should stay. They live in a fantasy world where the grass is greener.

Have you read The Divorce Remedy? I have it and it’s given me a lot of great ideas. Basically, the idea is to change your reaction to him. If what you’ve already done is not working then try something else.

 

[hurtandhealing]

I agree with this. I don’t think he cares what anyone has to say at this point. My husband is the same way. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t care at all if the priest or his parents said that he should stay. They live in a fantasy world where the grass is greener.

Have you read The Divorce Remedy? I have it and it’s given me a lot of great ideas. Basically, the idea is to change your reaction to him. If what you’ve already done is not working then try something else.

I haven’t read that book, but that is the gist of all the experts. I can only imagine how difficult this will be as my discover was much different, but you can do this. God won’t force your husband to do the right thing, but He will help you through it.

How are you eating? I got by on Ritz bits, Apple Jacks and whole milk, still losing 15 pounds. I am concerned for both you and the baby in this. You may need to tell your OB if you aren’t able to eat. I found that praying the Rosary, I was able to fall asleep even if only for short bursts. Don’t feel bad doing so. You are simply curling up on Our Mother’s lap as she rocks you to sleep. She loves you and will mother you as much as you need.

If your other children spend more time in front of the television, that is ok. You are in survival mode. Believe me, I would love to “smack down” your husband for his total selfishness. He is being no husband OR father. I know most people say otherwise, but I wouldn’t give him a pass if he says, “he loves his children, just not you.” That is bull***. A man who loves his children doesn’t abandon them or their mother (especially while she is carrying another one of his children). He cannot “love” them better by running of with another woman. If for some reason, this comes up, try to be matter-of-fact about it.

 

[blessedwith3]

So I have told a few people about the affair including my therapist and priest. I do feel guilty about doing so because either way I don’t want them to think badly of him, but they are people who support us working to save our marriage. I just haven’t told him, and I am afraid it will make things worse if he finds out. Its just in his eyes everything I do is wrong. My husband, like I said won’t talk to anyone and is completely cutting off everyone who knows, after telling them I was the problem. I know I need to leave him alone, but its hard because even though I love him I know what he did “last night” and it makes me sick and I want him to be aware of it, especially when he’s kissing and hugging our kids with that woman all over him.

I will look into the book and that website about affairs. I really do want our marriage to work, and that may sound really pathetic after what he’s done, but this is not him. I guess that’s what they all say.

Hurtandhealing- you said ou are past your husbands affair? Are you still together? Was he honest with ou about everything and have you gotten trust back? Were you too at the point of no return with his wanting to leave, or was there hope there too?

So I am definitely not filing for divorce, because not what I want, but would filing for a legal separation give me the space I need from him and the time he needs to come to his senses, or would it make things worse?

 

[Julianna]

My husband is not committed to our relationship. He says he is unhappy and we are getting a divorce. He has not filed yet, but that is because he wants a no fault divorce and we have to be separated for 6 months first, but now is contemplating filing sooner with different reasons. He says he knows our relationship will never work because even if he wanted me, he will never cut off being friends with this other woman. I am really jot handling this well, and even though I try to get on day to day, he is still around and I am panicky and distraught. We just got into another argument of Me trying to convince our marriage is worth it and him arguing back that it has been horrible and we should have never been married. I tried telling him that God would not have let us get married, have two kids with another on the way if it was not his will for us to stay together.
Anyway, I have been trying to stay strong so he would stay around, but I finally told him to get his stuff out of here because I can’t handle him always just being here, no talking just here. I don’t want him to leave, obviously I want him to want us, and I have been up and down, but I feel like just giving up and letting him leave and never looking back. I really do love him, but I am so hurt. What do I do now? My prayers are not working and I aam a mess all day everyday. Its so upsetting because you both make all these plans and build a life and it only takes one to end it all.

You have the strength within you. Find it…bring it forward! You can get through this. The hurt is draining you. Focus. This guy broke a “covenant”, not you. Your first instinct was the correct one…he has to go. Separation in this case would be a good idea. He broke a solemn vow. The anger he is feeling towards you is “his guilt”…he got caught. You have 2 kids and one on the way, they need YOU. Their father, in abandoning you, has abandoned them too. Adultery is a deal breaker.

Do you work outside the home, do you have joint financing, is the mortgage and car in your name also? VERY IMPORTANT. You see, he is spending the “marital” money on his “honey”…which leaves less for you and your children. Think about it. Check the bank statements. Restaurants with high bills that YOU know, you didn’t go to. Gifts at stores, that YOU know you didn’t purchase and he didn’t give to you. Honey’s aren’t going to be satisfied with just sex, they want it all, in this case the honey could care less, if you and the kids haven’t had a dinner out or a movie with your husband. It disgusts me to no end how a woman can knowingly sleep with a married man.

When he asks God for forgiveness and makes a full confession and cuts off the honey, completely, then it’s time for counseling if you and he want to work this out.

I wouldn’t, but I’m not you. Here in NC, a spouse who has been cheated on can “sue” the honey or the stud for breaking up the marriage. I think it should be nationwide. If the honey thinks money is coming out of her bank to pay YOU, she may think twice about taking your man.

 

[jimmybeth]

I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What He did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion