Infidelity before Marriage

[ScantheSkies]

Hello all,

I am deeply troubled about a very big mistake I made before I was married to my wife. To preface, both my wife and I were not virgins before meeting, and we engaged in premarital sex with each other. While engaged, and about a year and a half before we married, I cheated on my fiance while I was on a business trip. There is no excuse for what happened, but long story short I got brown out drunk and ended up having physical relations with a colleague that night. I deeply regretted this action the moment I came to my senses, and became physically ill with the guilt and shame i felt. I ended the trip early and came home and contemplated telling my fiance. I ended up not telling her, because I did not want to destroy what we had due to a senseless, stupid, and one-time mistake.

Since that time, I have tried to take steps to make sure what happened never happens again. I have quit drinking unless my wife is present, I changed jobs so I will never have to see that colleague again, I no longer take business trips that could potentially be hazardous, and I have slowly ended a friendship with a person who tries to encourage me to drink to excess. Numerous times I have contemplated telling my wife what happened in the past, but each time I realize that doing so might be selfish and to try and alleviate my own guilt. I did eventually ask her if she would ever want to know if I cheated on her in the past via one-night-stand and she stated she would not want to know.

I am still having a tough time dealing with what I did those many years ago. I truly never believed I was capable of such a thing and the fact that it happened shattered my self-esteem, confidence, and sense of being a good person. In addition, I do not see how I can possibly forgive myself for such a terrible transgression. Since we have been married, I have been the best possible husband I could be, and I do everything to make her happy. Unfortunately, some days I am haunted by my past mistake, and this sometimes effects my mood and behavior, which I can’t seem to stop.

I am looking for advice on what I should do to try and heal? I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, and see little possibility of forgiving myself. I feel that I am forever a bad person, and will forever be stained by my sin.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well, have you been to confession yet? You don’t mention whether that happened. You have taken numerous good steps. Your wife does not want to know, so do not bring it up. Ever. If, after confession you still feel badly, make an appointment with your priest and discuss the situation with him.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Go to confession.

Let the guilt you feel be the penance you serve, do not dump this on your wife (unless you contracted an STD or fathered a child).

ETA one thing, when you were doing your pre-marital counseling with the priest, did she state that she would not be willing to marry you if you committed fornication with another woman while you were engaged? If she made that clear, then, your priest may advise you to tell, because this can impact the validity of your wife’s consent. If not, then, do not hurt her with this revelation.

 

[Ammi]

ETA one thing, when you were doing your pre-marital counseling with the priest, did she state that she would not be willing to marry you if you committed fornication with another woman while you were engaged? If she made that clear, then, your priest may advise you to tell, because this can impact the validity of your wife’s consent. If not, then, do not hurt her with this revelation.

I doubt she would need to have expressed that. I dont doubt for one second a marriage tribunal would grant a decree for her, if she someday learned and said she wanted out.

 

[Ammi]

OP, I would tell her. Because it is eating at your conscience.

Remember, you are a sinner just like the rest of us. No one is a good person. God died because we are not good.

But turning to Him, and opening yourself to Him, means His goodness is in you.

 

[Anicette]

He could do that if he wishes but:

1; his wife had express she didn’t want to know

2: it is over, thankfully

3: it can really damage their relationship, and maybe frighten their marriage.

I agree that it is not honest to not said it, but is difficult to have an answer for all cases.

 

[Daniel27]

Firstly, my advice would be if you haven’t gone to Confession, then do that. If you have and this post is after that has already happened, then do not tell her. I don’t know what it is like to have done that so I don’t know what you’re exact feelings are (in your head). But I do completely understand that God’s forgiveness and forgiving ourselves are two very different things, and that moving on from what we have done in the past can be very difficult. I think the most admirable thing about your story is the precautions you have taken against this sort of thing happening again - at least you have made brilliant steps here to really show your dedication to not letting this happen again. Maybe you won’t ever fully move on and forget about this to be entirely honest; sometimes we just can’t ourselves. But you’re doing the right thing by being the best husband you can be. Praying for you

 

[Ammi]

He could do that if he wishes but:

1; his wife had express whe didn’t want to know

2: it is over, thankfully

3: it can really damage their relationship, and maybe frighten their marriage.

I agree that it is not honest to not said it, but is difficult to have an answer for all cases.

I did miss that comment.

 

[1ke]

I did eventually ask her if she would ever want to know if I cheated on her in the past via one-night-stand and she stated she would not want to know.

You have your answer.

I am looking for advice on what I should do to try and heal? I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, and see little possibility of forgiving myself. I feel that I am forever a bad person, and will forever be stained by my sin.

Go to confession if you haven’t done so yet.
And get counseling from your pastor or another priest on how to forgive yourself and move past this.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I presume that, in addition to all the steps you’ve taken to make sure that you don’t sin again, you’ve also confessed this sin and been absolved, so God has forgiven you. In view of God’s forgiveness, it’s a bit presumptuous and prideful of you to reject his gift of forgiveness and continue beating yourself up over something long in the past. At this point I would suggest making an appointment to talk to a priest about how you can let this go and get past the guilt over your mistake.

And obviously if you have not yet confessed this sin and been absolved, then you need to go do that right away.

While I do not recommend committing bad sins, I can say that in my experience, having committed some very bad past sins, the fact that I found myself falling so low as to do these rotten things that I would not have thought of myself as the “type of person” to do, has served to make me more patient with other people’s sins. I know I’m not any better than them, and that we are all sinners, and would be doomed without God’s forgiveness and love. It was a big lesson in humility.

 

[hoping4more]

Seriously? I get that, universally, this is a gray area; but if someone expressly states that’s a deal breaker then I would imagine it would nullify a marriage.

Nevermind, agreed. Misread what you wrote.

 

[hoping4more]

OP, maybe consider and confess that you went to the alter with her and without telling her.

Basically, yes you cheated and that’s bad and sinful but then lied about it. Two separate acts. Contemplate that and maybe confess. From what she has said however, I would not tell her unless a priest says you must.

 

[Ammi]

Seriously? I get that, universally, this is a gray area; but if someone expressly states that’s a deal breaker then I would imagine it would nullify a marriage.

Nevermind, agreed. Misread what you wrote.

I’m not saying I would necessarily agree with a decree of nullity, however.

But no use debating what isnt happening. However, I think its relative to the OP’s guilt.

Not knowing if she would forgive him.

 

[AdamP88]

I am looking for advice on what I should do to try and heal? I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, and see little possibility of forgiving myself. I feel that I am forever a bad person, and will forever be stained by my sin.

That is the devil talking. If you haven’t been to confession then go now. Know that God doesn’t hold this against you and wants you to be free of this. Bring it to him in prayer and you will begin to see more clearly.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would not tell her unless a priest says you must.

The priest cannot require a penitent to tell somebody else about what the penitent said in the confessional. That includes requiring them to tell a spouse, law enforcement, etc.

The wife has already said she does not want to know, therefore the husband needs to respect that as there is no compelling reason to tell her. A compelling reason would be something like the husband fathered a child with someone else and is being sued for child support.

 

[Ammi]

The priest cannot require a penitent to tell somebody else about what the penitent said in the confessional. That includes requiring them to tell a spouse, law enforcement, etc.

This is interesting! I’m not convinced that is entirely accurate.

 

[Irishmom2]

How do you think a priest can force someone?

 

[Ammi]

I dont.

But they could withold absolution, or simply instruct as penence.

If someone murdered my son, and went to confession, I would hope the priest would withold absolution if they refused to turn themselves in. It would NOT be remorseful of the act, if they were unwilling to do so.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

This is interesting! I’m not convinced that is entirely accurate.

But they could withold absolution, or simply instruct as penence.

If someone murdered my son, and went to confession, I would hope the priest would withold absolution if they refused to turn themselves in. It would NOT be remorseful of the act, if they were unwilling to do so.

I would suggest that you search the numerous past threads we’ve already had on this subject.
Again, a priest cannot require that a penitent tell something he said in confession to another person.
They can’t require telling someone else (including telling law enforcement) as a condition of giving absolution.
They can’t assign telling someone else (including telling law enforcement) as a required penance.
The most they can do is simply counsel the person, urging the criminal to turn himself in for example.

Like I said we have had many threads about this on the forum already but I will just link to the answer by Catholic Answers apologist Fr. Charles Grondin, which you can read:

Can a priest require you turn yourself into the police as penance ? Ask an Apologist

Can. 980 If the confessor is in no doubt about the penitent’s disposition and the penitent asks for absolution, it is not to be denied or delayed. Can. 983 §1 The sacramental seal is inviolable. Accordingly, it is absolutely wrong for a confessor in any way to betray the penitent, for any reason whatsoever, whether by word or in any other fashion. Can. 984 §1. A confessor is prohibited completely from using knowledge acquired from confession to the detriment of the penitent even when any…

I will leave it at that so we don’t get off topic with this thread which is about infidelity.

In the same way, a priest cannot require that a spouse tell the other spouse about an infidelity in order for the confessing spouse to be absolved, or as penance. The most the priest is counsel the person by making suggestions. We have also had many past threads discussing whether a spouse should tell the other spouse about a one-time infidelity and a couple of people shared in those threads that priests counseled them to NOT mention it to their spouse.

 

[TheLittleLady]

https://archatl.com/offices/metropolitan-tribunal/grounds-of-marriage-nullity/

Very good article here.

If fornication during the engagement would have been a “deal killer” wrt marriage, either the error of quality or the fraud deceit grounds could be pursued.

Since we now know that the spouse stated she would NOT want to know, that does shine a different light.

My husband and I were also clear that we would never want to know. The hardest part of his sudden death was finding some documents that let me know he did have an act of infidelity, I wish I never knew that.