Infidelity/Bipolar husband...at a loss?

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dot627

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Hi all…This is such a hard subject. Two years ago my husband lost his job of many years. I knew it was his bipolar, but he hadn’t been diagnosed and didn’t believe me. My son also has it, so I know all the symptoms. Fast forward to last year. New doctor gave meds that made my husband manic and he became physically and verbally abusive to me for the first time in our 26 year marriage. My 3 sons were horrified and backed me completely. Long story short…his sister (atheist) didn’t believe that he had b.p. She lives several hours away and listened to his very convincing stories that I was the blame for everything. She told him to come and stay with her. I’ve know her for 30 years and she wouldn’t believe anything I told her. My son also called and told her how abusive he was being and she still didn’t believe us.

My husband left, met a young woman (15 years younger than me) and within a week started having an affair. During this time my sister-in-law found out about the affair, never told me and let him continue to stay there. My husband came home after two months because I fell down a flight of stairs and greatly hurt myself. If it wasn’t bad enough, I learned about his whole affair, he ended it, finally was hospitalized. After the 2nd hospitalization, his sister recognized that he was truly sick and apologized. When I found out that she let him stay at her home while having the affair, she said he would have continued it anyway. She controlled the whole situation as she has meddled in our marriage since the beginning, but to me this was the final blow. His friends also knew about the affair and did nothing to stop it, knowing what a long and good history we’ve had. His friends are atheists too.

My husband will do anything to make our marriage work, is horribly remorseful and taking his meds. My big question as a faithful Catholic and woman of integrity is one of boundaries. I asked our priest and he told me that we should have a separation from his sister as she and her husband continue to blame me for a lot of issues and only have her brother’s interest at heart. She is trouble and I don’t trust her. I believe in forgiveness, but yet what she did (and there is much more in how she turned my husband against me, hence him leaving me). His family are against my whole persona as they feel I’m too religious. They don’t feel they did anything wrong, and his friends feel the same way. They don’t understand bipolar and I feel that my husband needs to keep all off these people out of our life for a long time since we are so fragile. Am I wrong with what Jesus teaches us? I feel that my priest is correct. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am so confused and just want to do the right thing.
 
As you priest has said, I would suggest that you try and distance yourselves from the negative people in your life. From what you say they are just making things worst for you and your husband.
 
Caveats:
  1. This is a public forum so there will be multiple opinions; and
  2. We haven’t heard the other side of the story.
So that said, my thoughts are pretty much in line with those your priest.
  1. Your husband is ill, and so he needs your support to see him through this, affair notwithstanding (especially if his illness played a role in it). This is part of the marriage vows.
  2. Your obligations are to your husband and family, not to your in-laws. If they become unbearable, take your husband and cut your ties with the in-laws. Cold turkey if necessary. You are not wrong if you do this and this is not the action of an unforgiving person.
 
dot627 said:
Hi all…This is such a hard subject. Two years ago my husband lost his job of many years. I knew it was his bipolar, but he hadn’t been diagnosed and didn’t believe me. My son also has it, so I know all the symptoms. Fast forward to last year. New doctor gave meds that made my husband manic and he became physically and verbally abusive to me for the first time in our 26 year marriage. My 3 sons were horrified and backed me completely. Long story short…his sister (atheist) didn’t believe that he had b.p. She lives several hours away and listened to his very convincing stories that I was the blame for everything. She told him to come and stay with her. I’ve know her for 30 years and she wouldn’t believe anything I told her. My son also called and told her how abusive he was being and she still didn’t believe us.

My husband left, met a young woman (15 years younger than me) and within a week started having an affair. During this time my sister-in-law found out about the affair, never told me and let him continue to stay there. My husband came home after two months because I fell down a flight of stairs and greatly hurt myself. If it wasn’t bad enough, I learned about his whole affair, he ended it, finally was hospitalized. After the 2nd hospitalization, his sister recognized that he was truly sick and apologized. When I found out that she let him stay at her home while having the affair, she said he would have continued it anyway. She controlled the whole situation as she has meddled in our marriage since the beginning, but to me this was the final blow. His friends also knew about the affair and did nothing to stop it, knowing what a long and good history we’ve had. His friends are atheists too.

My husband will do anything to make our marriage work, is horribly remorseful and taking his meds. My big question as a faithful Catholic and woman of integrity is one of boundaries. I asked our priest and he told me that we should have a separation from his sister as she and her husband continue to blame me for a lot of issues and only have her brother’s interest at heart. She is trouble and I don’t trust her. I believe in forgiveness, but yet what she did (and there is much more in how she turned my husband against me, hence him leaving me). His family are against my whole persona as they feel I’m too religious. They don’t feel they did anything wrong, and his friends feel the same way. They don’t understand bipolar and I feel that my husband needs to keep all off these people out of our life for a long time since we are so fragile. Am I wrong with what Jesus teaches us? I feel that my priest is correct. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am so confused and just want to do the right thing.
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Your situation is rather complicated, and you really need to speak to a priest and spiritual adviser.

But solely on answering your question about separating from your sister-in-law, it is not immoral to do so depending on the circumstances. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to have close ties with the person, especially if the person is not remorseful. For example, if a family member stole from you and wasn’t sorry, you can forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you have to trust them. In fact, it would be foolish to trust them.

If your sister-in-law is truly a threat to your marriage, then by duty, you should sever the relationship for however long you need to. Your first job is to protect the sanctity of your marriage.
 
It sounds like you are really having a tough time. My opinion is to take care of yourself and let God take care of the rest. Lean on Him to guide your every decision. Trust Him so much and even if you make a wrong decision know that God will still lead you in the right direction.

God is near to the broken-hearted.
 
dot627 said:
My husband will do anything to make our marriage work, is horribly remorseful and taking his meds. My big question as a faithful Catholic and woman of integrity is one of boundaries. I asked our priest and he told me that we should have a separation from his sister as she and her husband continue to blame me for a lot of issues and only have her brother’s interest at heart. She is trouble and I don’t trust her. I believe in forgiveness, but yet what she did (and there is much more in how she turned my husband against me, hence him leaving me). His family are against my whole persona as they feel I’m too religious. They don’t feel they did anything wrong, and his friends feel the same way. They don’t understand bipolar and I feel that my husband needs to keep all off these people out of our life for a long time since we are so fragile. Am I wrong with what Jesus teaches us? I feel that my priest is correct. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am so confused and just want to do the right thing.
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I want to say a few things as a person who has been dealing with bipolar disease for decades. I’m not a medical expert but I want to just share a few things. First, there’s a strong genetic component to bipolar disorder. Your SIL is quite as likely to have some form of the disorder, as well as some of his other family members. This might help you forgive them in your heart. It should also help make the case for getting way far away from them for a while.

I have to ask what your husband thinks, but I want to give him some advice through you:

Sir,

The best thing you can do for yourself is make your life as regular as possible. By that I mean have a regular schedule, rise and sleep, eat and recreate, at the same times. Have a routine and stick to it.

Avoid triggers. Triggers are things that push you on one direction or another and few things do that faster than enabling family members who love to be the eye of the hurricanes they create. That your family loves you is not the issue. That they are the very worst environment for you is very possible.

So, it makes an enormous amount of sense to isolate yourself from some persons in your family. Your health is paramount, and it directly affects your wife and children to whom you owe the greatest responsibility to strive to be as well as possible.

I understand the guilt. Take the responsibility, and then, forgive yourself and move on. It’s a long hard slog, but worth is it and it sounds like you have a really great partner. Pray and stay close to God. Expect miracles and congratulations on accepting your illness. That’s a hard one.
 
I don’t really have advice on this specifically- but my husband is also bipolar so I figured I would chime in with the following- remember that you are a human being with real needs, and do what you need to in order to take care of yourself and meet your needs. At times, I have found that I have needed to almost “pretend I am not married” to do this- if I am tempted to stay home and try and help my husband to take better care of himself when I am overwhelmed, for example, I will just go exercise or relax instead, as I would if he were not a factor. All the research overwhelmingly shows that the well spouse’s ability to distance themselves from the bipolar partner when needed is the best determining factor for the success of these relationships, which are trying at best 🙂

Feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk!
 
I wanted to thank you all for the many responses and great advice and consolation. I truly, truly appreciated your reaching out to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🙂
 
dot627 said:
I wanted to thank you all for the many responses and great advice and consolation. I truly, truly appreciated your reaching out to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 🙂
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I’m glad- you were in my prayers all weekend!
 
I am so sorry for your pain,and I pray God will give you the strength to persevere, and not be crushed by the pain. I too have had the pain of a husband’s adultery, and the near destruction of my marriage/family. My husband (of 29 years) also has serious underlying issues, and will not seek help where he should. He turns, like your husband, to the voices of his youth, but just as with your husband, the messages he finds from them aren’t reflective of God’s love and teachings.
I have learned through these long, painful months (two years next month) that these things are not quickly resolved. I have had to soldier on to preserve my family for my children,and teach them about God’s love, despite the apparent abandonment by their dad.
I would like to suggest that you try to balance yourself as best you can. I have a beautiful novena to St. Joseph which is particularly helpful to me. I enlist the aid of St. Francis and St, Jude as well. Hugs!!!
 
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