Infidelity/husband

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Katherine_Bay

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Hello, I would love any advice or help.

My husband has had online affairs for at least 10 years. I have “caught” him 3 times and each time he promises to stop.

He is also addicted to online pornography. He is not a Catholic, is in fact hostile to Catholicism. I have brought up my kids as Catholic as possible. I keep in mind I think St. Paul’s advice that it is ok to marry a non-Catholic - maybe they will convert.

Do divorce him? Money is not a huge issue. I have panic attacks at social functions around
younger women. It is becoming intolerable. My kids don’t want divorce.

Help! THanks!
 
Sweet friend, I am so sorry for your hardships. I would advise you meet with your priest for this. Please know that I am praying for you, for your husband, and for your marriage.
 
There are some steps to take before divorce. If your husband promises to stop, will be agree to therapy for his sex addiction? I would consider that a must in order to stay with him.
 
I would temporarily separate until he stops doing the noted things.
If he engages in treatment I would be supportive but not reunite until the problem is addressed and stopped.

Mary.
 
I understand that you do not want to divorce and are attempting reconciliation.

I think counseling and treatment is in order, as well as a talk with a priest. I understand that your husband has promised to stop, but other than his verbal statement, the two of you haven’t tried anything.

Also, how does your husband explain the fact that he keeps doing this despite promising to stop?
 
Allegra said:
There are some steps to take before divorce. If your husband promises to stop, will be agree to therapy for his sex addiction? I would consider that a must in order to stay with him.
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Agreed. As someone who is in recovery for pornography addiction I assure you that this will not stop until there are real consequences and he sees no alternative but to seek treatment.

I don’t from personal experience have any idea about what to do with regard to the emotional affairs; never engaged in that. But I do know that when in my addiction I was emotionally abusive, scared my wife and children and basically set fire to my family.

The road back is long and twisting and cannot be walked alone. But it can be walked.
 
Katherine_Bay said:
Hello, I would love any advice or help.

My husband has had online affairs for at least 10 years. I have “caught” him 3 times and each time he promises to stop.

He is also addicted to online pornography. He is not a Catholic, is in fact hostile to Catholicism. I have brought up my kids as Catholic as possible.
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I am so very sorry you have had to endure this. I am sure it is very difficult.
Katherine_Bay said:
I keep in mind I think St. Paul’s advice that it is ok to marry a non-Catholic
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Katherine, St Paul never said that. St Paul does not advise believers to marry non-believers. The opposite in fact.
Katherine_Bay said:
  • maybe they will convert.
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Yes, for those who were married as unbelievers and then converted (without their spouse converting) St Paul does advise that they remain with their unbelieving spouse if they will live in peace.
Katherine_Bay said:
Do divorce him?
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We cannot advise you to stay or to leave. We do not know you or your situation. Have you made an appointment to talk to your pastor? Are you in danger–physically or mentally? Is his infidelity in real life-- where you have to be concerned with STDs?
Katherine_Bay said:
Money is not a huge issue. I have panic attacks at social functions around younger women. It is becoming intolerable. My kids don’t want divorce.

Help! THanks!
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Please go talk to your pastor for guidance.
 
I am so sorry, Katherine. As others have said, we can’t tell you whether to leave him. But I would like to make some suggestions:
  1. pray to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots
  2. make sure you know what’s going on with the finances, so that if it does come to divorce, there won’t be any major surprises
  3. get a consultation with a lawyer. Take some time first to make a list of questions, things you’d want to know before making a decision, or in case it does come to that.
Will pray for you.
 
Also–and I forgot to mention this the first time–your husband’s hostility to Catholicism may be an impediment to improvement. I clearly don’t know about him, but perhaps he doesn’t think that what he’s doing is wrong, or will view any attempt from you to broach this issue as “forcing Catholicism on him” or something like that.

St. Paul didn’t say anything about marrying a non-Catholic, however; he did prohibit marriage to “non-believers” (i.e., non-Christians).
 
freiabereinsam said:
Also–and I forgot to mention this the first time–your husband’s hostility to Catholicism may be an impediment to improvement. I clearly don’t know about him, but perhaps he doesn’t think that what he’s doing is wrong, or will view any attempt from you to broach this issue as “forcing Catholicism on him” or something like that.
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I see this as the real barrier to saving the marriage. I am a recent convert, so I have had a lot of experience with non-Catholic/Christian points of view. And I have a lot of male friends that I am close to. If asked if looking at porn was wrong, they’d say no down to a man. If I asked if having emotional affairs online was wrong, answers would range from no, because it’s not cheating unless it’s physical to maybe to yes. Heck, it’d be the same if I asked my female friends. I know a lot of couples who see nothing wrong with using porn together as a way to “spice up” their love lives. I know a lot of young people who have grown up with easy availability of porn online and see nothing wrong with it. This is the mentality you’re dealing with.

Since your husband is hostile to Catholicism, I suggest talking to him about marriage counseling with a secular therapist. If he refuses, you can just leave it as it is, talk to a lawyer and become legally separated (including living separately) until he agrees to counseling, or divorce.
 
1ke said:
I am so very sorry you have had to endure this. I am sure it is very difficult.

Katherine, St Paul never said that. St Paul does not advise believers to marry non-believers. The opposite in fact.

Yes, for those who were married as unbelievers and then converted (without their spouse converting) St Paul does advise that they remain with their unbelieving spouse if they will live in peace.

We cannot advise you to stay or to leave. We do not know you or your situation. Have you made an appointment to talk to your pastor? Are you in danger–physically or mentally? Is his infidelity in real life-- where you have to be concerned with STDs?

Please go talk to your pastor for guidance.
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This…and do not neglect the part about your spouse being willing to live in peace. Your husband’s hostility towards your faith is not a trivial issue, and just because the infidelity you know about is virtual does not make it something that is not real.

If you feel you are in serious danger, you ought to remove yourself and your children from the situation immediately. When you make your appointment, be sure to tell the scheduling person that the issue is serious and that you need to see your pastor promptly. The panic attacks are a cause for real concern, too. Do find someone professional to talk to about that, as well.

As for your children, realize that you want to make the decision that their adult and comprehending future selves will urge you towards, not the decision they urge upon you as innocent children. I’m not saying that I know what that answer will be, but reminding you that if this were your parent and this had happened when you were in grade school, you would look back on it with the comprehension of an adult, and expect your mother to have acted with the judgment of an adult. Do not try to appease the comprehension of a child, but act according to what a wiser and more understanding assessment of the situation dictates. That is something we can’t tell you. We can tell you that it is worth finding very good and wise counsel that you can talk to in person in order to figure it out. In the end it you will have to discern this yourself, but don’t go through the discernment alone. Get help to look under every stone, to fully understand your situation from all sides, to get support and some touchstones to reality as you go through this. It will not be solved in a day, but with prayer and good help you can get through it one day at a time.
 
MJJean said:
I see this as the real barrier to saving the marriage. I am a recent convert, so I have had a lot of experience with non-Catholic/Christian points of view. And I have a lot of male friends that I am close to. If asked if looking at porn was wrong, they’d say no down to a man. If I asked if having emotional affairs online was wrong, answers would range from no, because it’s not cheating unless it’s physical to maybe to yes. Heck, it’d be the same if I asked my female friends. I know a lot of couples who see nothing wrong with using porn together as a way to “spice up” their love lives. I know a lot of young people who have grown up with easy availability of porn online and see nothing wrong with it. This is the mentality you’re dealing with.

Since your husband is hostile to Catholicism, I suggest talking to him about marriage counseling with a secular therapist. If he refuses, you can just leave it as it is, talk to a lawyer and become legally separated (including living separately) until he agrees to counseling, or divorce.
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I don’t know. I think there are plenty of secular type people who would say that they’re not upset by “occasional” porn use but would be very disturbed by addictive behavior.

And I’m pretty sure the vast majority of people think that cyber-affairs are wrong. Maybe not “as bad” as physical affairs, but still a betrayal.
 
Katherine_Bay said:
Hello, I would love any advice or help.

My husband has had online affairs for at least 10 years. I have “caught” him 3 times and each time he promises to stop.

He is also addicted to online pornography. He is not a Catholic, is in fact hostile to Catholicism. I have brought up my kids as Catholic as possible. I keep in mind I think St. Paul’s advice that it is ok to marry a non-Catholic - maybe they will convert.

Do divorce him? Money is not a huge issue. I have panic attacks at social functions around
younger women. It is becoming intolerable. My kids don’t want divorce.

Help! THanks!
Click to expand...
Have you been to counseling alone or together? Will he agree to go? I would suggest looking for a counselor who is preferably Catholic, but certainly Christian educated, but who will not push it, because it will push your husband away.

Please consider that your husband’s actions are meeting a need for him; it is not necessarily (and probably not) a need for sex. I understand his meeting the need this way likely makes you feel devalued and hurt. His approach to meeting the need is inappropriate and hurtful, he needs help to understand that. But the alternative is not just stopping, because the driving need still needs to be met. He needs to find and understand what the need is, and address it.

Pose the question to both of yourselves a different way - if your marriage is a living thing, what do you need to do together to help it to grow and be healthy?

Divorce is the option only if change is not. Promising to stop is insufficient because there is something else wrong. The online porn is probably a symptom (possibly for both of you) not the actual problem. As long as something else is wrong, he’ll be inclined to solve the problem in an easy and inappropriate way. The two of you need assistance in addressing this.
 
No offense kbachler, but I tend to think that there is no “joint solution” to the issues of sex addiction. And I speak that from experience. My wife was not causing me to act out. We had relations fairly frequently, though perhaps not as much as I would like, but that was totally irrelevant. I chose to “self-medicate” because that’s what I have done for most of my life.

I’m a very anxious person and reality scared the living daylights out of me. So what did I do? Retreat into fantasy in the form of pornography. There I could get all that I wanted and nothing was expected from me. I got my satisfaction without having to talk to anyone.

Of course, my deception and sin led to guilt, paranoia and anger.

The underlying problem is almost always not something that’s a joint issue. The solution has to be one that he does on his own. Are there things that the OP can do to help it along? Sure! There’s plenty that my wife could do, namely take steps to actually work on healing herself, that would make our marriage better. But I and the reason that she is hurting, I am the reason that we are in the situation we are in and the only person who can decide to turn my reality over the care of God is me. No one else.

Making this a “joint issue” from the get go could lead to him abdicating at least some of the responsibility for his choices. Couples counseling should come after he starts addressing his own actions. Not before.
 
Dear The Bucket, Thank you so much for your answer from your heart and from experience. It is a comfort. Have you and your wife made peace with this?

Thank you also to everyone who has made observations. Every one of you are right, and it is giving me a reality check.

I am getting help and my husband has made an appt.
 
Wow! Did he get an appointment after you brought up the problem with him?

Obviously, this has only begun, but I think that the problem is improving already and I am gld to see it happen so soon.
 
Katherine_Bay said:
Dear The Bucket, Thank you so much for your answer from your heart and from experience. It is a comfort. Have you and your wife made peace with this?
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That depends on what you mean by “make peace.” Are we still together? Yes. Are things even good between us sometimes? Yes. But there are plenty of other times where anytime I get frustrated, upset or exasperated with you know, life, she immediately pulls back and becomes hostile. I can’t blame her. I was a hair-trigger away from flipping out every five seconds when I was in my addiction. So it not only reminds her of that period of our lives, but it also makes her mind race with a “what if he’s doing it again” kind of thing.

I don’t want to excuse myself or somehow take the sting away from what I did… but there were no other people involved. Not in person, on the phone or online. It was pornographic videos. It’s something that a lot of people do. It’s wrong, but it’s pretty commonplace.

Of course, what’s not commonplace is becoming an emotionally abusive monster as a result of those sins. I think had I simply fallen into habitual sin, admitted it in both confession (which I did) and to my wife (which I did not) then the situation would be a lot better. She would have been hurt for sure but there would have been no deception or dishonesty. I don’t think she would be “supportive” in any sense, but I think the trust issues would be easier to repair than they have been.

Alas, I was such a coward about admitting my problem that I just dug my own grave deeper and deeper. I think it’s progress that I don’t wallow about how deep my grave is though; certainly would have done that in the past. I just think about how I hurt innocent people and did so repeatedly over the course of three years and it puts a lot into perspective.
 
Oh Katherine, I’m so sorry you’ve made this discovery about your husband. I know it’s so confusing to know what steps to take next and what the future holds for your marriage. So, please know I’m praying for you. Also, I second the advice that’s already been given about talking with a counselor. Ideally, it would be great if your husband was willing to go with you. But, even if he’s not, it would probably still be helpful to go on your own. Additionally, if you’re a reader, there’s a lot of great books out there on dealing with an affair or pornography addiction. For instance, maybe check out something like Love Must be Tough by James Dobson or False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg? Hopefully, they’ll give some insight on responding to your husband’s behavior. So, just some things to think about. I hope you’re surrounded by lots of love and support right now. ((hugs))!
 
Thank you, I will try to read those books. I am so torn, because I am tired of being hurt and almost want to be alone. But when you take vows to stay til death you part before God, a vow is a vow.

I don’t know. Thank God for Catholicism. I consider myself to be educated and well read, but it is really the only thing on this earth that really makes sense to me.

Thank you, again
 
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