Infidelity prior to marriage

[m123456789]

Hello. I would like to hear others’ opinion on my situation. I’m Catholic and was raised in a practicing Catholic household. When I was in college, I fell in love with a Protestant girl who was previously divorced (without children). While we were dating, she expressed a desire to become Catholic and expressed a desire to seek an annulment of her previous marriage when I explained to her the Church’s position on divorce. Both of us felt confident that there were several grounds for the annulment, but instead of beginning the process and waiting for the result, we rashly decided to get married in her church before then. Obviously, as a Catholic, I did not enter into a valid marriage with her. However, I always planned that someday I would help her seek the annulment and then we could enter into a valid sacramental marriage. Sinfully presumptuous, I know.
Anyways, I put it off for several years out of simple laziness; there was always something I had to do first. After some time in the marriage, I began engaging in different levels of infidelity. It began with pornography, which was always something I struggled with, even before I met her. It progressed to short-lived online relationships of a sexual nature. Then I began to flirt heavily with other women. Even though I was repentant after each infidelity, I found myself in a vicious cycle of sin, shame, regret, progress, and regression. Finally, after 4 years of marriage, I progressed to an actual affair. For the next two years, I went off the deep end and cheated on her numerous times with numerous women. Great guy I am, right?
After flouting fidelity for so long, I eventually confessed the full extent of my infidelity to her after she found some incriminating evidence. Needless to say, she was devastated. As the mother of my three children, she gave up everything to start a family with me and was a devoted, faithful wife.
True to her character, she didn’t want to throw me out without at least trying to mend things. She’s been more than gracious and has forgiven me already, despite her worries that I might cheat again. I have since gone to Confession and received absolution for my sins. I’ve vowed to clean up my heart in every way and I’ve made some good progress in a short time. Obviously, it will take a lot more than good intentions, but I have reason for some hope. Only time will tell, though, and I have a lot to work on.

So, we finally went to our local parish and talked to our priest about getting an annulment for her previous marriage. We filled out the paperwork and he said he was fully convinced the annulment would be granted. However, he expressed grave concerns about allowing us to be married afterwards, given my sinful and destructive behavior.
Even though I have no desire to engage in infidelity ever again and desire to bring Christ back into my life, my pastor, my wife, and anyone else with half a brain are correct to be concerned about my ability to remain faithful. There are obviously serious issues I have to deal with that go far beyond my relationship with my wife.
So, what I’m not looking for are opinions about whether my wife should or should not trust me again. I know the majority of people wouldn’t, and with very good reason. She knows, too, that if she ever does trust me again, it will be out of sheer willpower on her part, not out of naivete. Having acknowledged this, she does want to try to make things work out of love for me and for the sake of the kids. Our kids are young and know nothing of what I’ve done, although they have been affected by the emotional turmoil, sadly.
What I am looking for are opinions on whether it’s even possible to get married in the Church after what I’ve done. The priest said we could talk about that possibility later, despite his negative feeling about the situation. If it’s something that will preclude us from getting married, I’d rather not put my wife through the pain of additional dashed hopes. Things are very good between us right now, given what she’s been through, so I’m confident we could agree on the terms of our seperation in a mature way. I don’t want to extend this ordeal for her any longer if it’s hopeless. She doesn’t want to continue living in sin, as we have over the past 7 years, my infidelity aside. So, we’re trying to figure out if there’s any chance the Church might allow us to marry. What do you think?

 

[EasterJoy]

Oy, vey. This is so far above our pay grade, I don’t know where to start, except to say that your children have a gem of a woman for their mother. Most people who marry according to the laws of their own churches do not consider themselves to be living in sin. I think I will spare you an enumeration of particular rules of the Church concerning making good on your repentance and avoiding every sin right now. You have a confessor…ask questions and listen to him.

Whatever happens, continue to do whatever you can to lessen your wife’s emotional turmoil and to express your appreciation for her, because nobody is entitled to the selfless treatment you’ve gotten from her, bless her heart, as I am sure you understand quite well. Beyond that, this is a question for your pastor. My only caution is that rashly acting and jumping to conclusions didn’t serve you well in the past. You’ve reached your limit on jumping into immediate “solutions” that you will regret later when responding to uncomfortable situations. Be willing to endure what is uncomfortable or uncertain in favor of what will serve others. Whatever you decide to do will be visited upon your children’s futures, not to mention your wife’s, so act accordingly.

Do not beat yourself up. It does no good. Christ did not die to beat us up, but took a beating and died so that we might have an opportunity to truly repent and believe in the Gospel. Rather than that, learn from your past and move forward towards heaven, grateful that grace is there for you! Resolve that you will develop a hatred for sin and self-indulgence and cultivate the habit of avoiding near occasions of sin, in order to keep those you love from the destructive choices that tempted you in the past.

 

[monicatholic]

EasterJoy wrote well.
Christ, in His goodness, makes mercy available to us. The Father, in His goodness gives us the free will to cooperate with that Mercy.
To repent is to turn away from sin.
Reparation for sin is to make repair.

Turn away. Make repair. Live this. Make this your life.

To separate because you may not be married in the Church? Better to live as brother and sister than to break upthe family your children count on.

So long as there are no other issues youve not mentioned, the Church will marry you when you have removed all your self-inflicted impediments to the sacrament.

 

[familyof4]

I agree, this is far above our pay grade, but I’ll give you my perspective (and remember, free advice is worth about what you paid for it!).

Can you eventually be married in a sacramental marriage? Assuming that your wife’s annulment is granted, I would say that the answer is yes. BUT, be prepared for this to be a long term process. Before you can enter into a sacramental marriage, you need to understand intellectually, spiritually, and in your heart what it means to be married.

If you want your wife and your priest to eventually agree that you’re ready, it’ll take a lot of effort on your part. Have you and your wife considered Retrouville? (I probably spelled that wrong, sorry). Counseling, and work with your spiritual advisor can help you get to the point that you really grasp what it means to be a man and a husband.

Also, remember to pray. Everything good comes from God, and it is only through his grace that we can achieve. I’ll add my prayers to yours. You’ve already taken the really hard step of accepting the blame for your behavior, and I hope that you are able to overcome the compulsions that have led you to these sins. I’m rooting for you!

 

[m123456789]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. More importantly, thank you for your prayers. We knew posting on here would be asking a lot. It certainly is a complicated situation and one in which there is no easy answer. Overcoming infidelity is extremely difficult and statistically unlikely, so we’re trying to be as realistic as possible without losing faith in God’s ability to heal. More importantly, we’re trying to seek God’s will in doing what’s best for our family. Our priest expressed concern about whether our children would learn to trivialize the sin of adultery if it was something that went without consequence. Certainly, that’s something neither of us want, so that’s on our minds, too. I feel confident I will never do anything like that again, but his experience has been that men who do this once usually do it again, even if it’s years in between. I trust his judgment very much and my confidence very little, as this was far from a one-time occurrence.
I will look into Retrouville. I’ve heard the name before but don’t know anything about it. I appreciate pointing me in that direction. Again, thanks for your time and thanks for your prayers. God bless.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I would take this one day at a time thanking her for being her and her forgiveness. Ask Mother Mary to keep you, her, and your family in her mantle. Start there and work from there. Other than that find some men’s groups and retreats and make some real Catholic male friends that can help you with these issues. God bless you.

 

[Pomme]

Please invest in Mark and Debbie Laaser’s workshops :you will change for good and the relationship will get stronger,and then get married.You need tremendous help to make it work,use those tools.As somebody said,if you have 2 cars sell one to do the workshop:it is worth selling it to save yourself and your marriage.These workshops are that strong and efficient.

 

[monicatholic]

Your pastor is impressing upon you the seriousness of the sin and the severity of the conversion that needs to occur to keep you free from future sin. Do NOT hear his warning as some future permission to mortal sin.

In Matthew 12:45 Jesus warns that cast out, the demon returns with 7 more worse than he. That’s because the house was empty. When the devil returns with 7 more worse demons, don’t let him find your house empty. Let him find it instead overflowing with grace, overflowing with the presence of God, overflowing with virtue and fortitude and long suffering and self sacrifice.

Once I struggled with a deeply imbedded sin. It was a filthy trick of the devil-- the whispering, condemning voice that said, " you can’t beat this. You’ll always go back. Sooner or later you’ll go back. You can’t beat this."

The devil is a liar. He hates you. He hates your family. And if you truly convert he hates you even more ferociously.

He’s no match for the converted will fortified by the astonishing grace of GOD. he’s no match and he knows it.

Repent. Repair. Return to Eucharist as soon as possible. You need Jesus.

 

[chevalier]

This may be above our pay grade, but as far as absolution goes, one must resolve to improve, get out of the sin. One can’t get an absolution if one intends to e.g. keep having relations in a non-sacramental marriage (this would require a, “living as a brother and sister,” arrangement). I am not asking and I don’t specifically want to hear the answer, but if you received absolution even despite making it clear that you didn’t intend to live as a brother and sister with your wife, then you need to go talk to a different priest.

As for your, “destructive behaviour,” as you’ve called it, you need to seek counselling. Sin is sin but there may be factors in your behaviour with which a counsellor could possibly help you.

Good to hear you want to make up with God and your wife.

 

[ArkansasMom]

I applaud your honesty and courage. You haven’t blamed anyone else for your actions; you fully accept your responsibility and your sin. Even on the smallest level I think we all struggle with this. You and your wife seem very brave and honest . . . and the dedication of both of you to make your marriage work is commendable!

It seems to me that you have been given a beautiful second chance. With your honesty and your wife’s forgiveness, it seems that you could begin a wonderful second chapter of your marriage that could be firmly grounded in Christ’s love. Perhaps coming together in a Sacramental Marriage, fully dedicated to living your lives to bring honor to God and bring your children to know and love Him, could give you both a new dedication to doing what needs to be done to honor that Sacrament.

Both you and your wife seem to have sincere hearts. I think that you can make yours a wonderful marriage that can model God’s grace and mercy, and the healing power of forgiveness. I can see you giving talks in five years at Cursillo, Marriage Encounter, Pre-Cana, etc., about how your marriage was . . . and how it is 'now,’ as you are living to serve and witness for Christ.

I wish you grace and healing as you begin that journey! Have faith, with God’s help, you will succeed!