Infidelity: the "forever" part of Matrimony

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icbtih8

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Hi. I am new here and I’m sorry if I needed to have made a more formal introduction or if this question has been asked already. And sorry if this is long.

2.5 months ago I found out my husband of 3 years had an emotional affair with his coworker. Through more investigation, I found out he had an addiction to pornography and had several emotional/cyber affairs with multiple women during our marriage. He confessed he had a physical affair while we were dating. I was completely blindsided to everything.

I feel like the entire Sacrament was a sham to him and I felt he led me on. I am sure that if he had confessed to me before we were married, I would have never gone through with it. I’ve read on a few places about annulment and it seems like our “case” would be approved since he cheated before we were married and cheated after.

But in reality, that is not what I want. He is very remorseful and I see him trying to mature and be a good husband. We want to work this out, we want to be together, and we want to have children in the future and build a family.

I am trying to forgive him and trying to see that his infidelities do not define him. However, I’ve come to realize that I no longer believe in the “forever” part of my vows. If he cheats again, I’m out. I can’t help to think that now I am taking the Sacrament for granted. How can I share this Sacrament with someone who I know I will not be there in the “for worse” part?

I am steadfast in my determination that next time I’m out. Is it better to count my loses now, hope for annulment and move on, or to hope for the best but know that I am no longer staying forever should he cheat again?

Thanks in advance.
 
While I totally understand your hurt feelings, as I believe too that even an emotional affair counts, you say that your husband seems remorseful. And then you go on to ask how can you share this sacrament with someone that will not be there for the “or worse part.”

It seems to me that you are the one that is not willing to be there for the “worse part.” You are the one that wants to save yourself any further and future hurt by just bailing out right now. That is not what you promised on your wedding day. I hope that you will reconsider through time and prayer.

I would also suggest counseling about this as it is something that will always be there for you, though in time it can heal. Many marriages have survived FAR worse and gone on to last. I will offer my prayers for you.
 
I’m sorry if I was misleading. Yes, I am the one who will not be there in the “for worse” if he cheats again. Assuming an annulment is “grantable” do I continue in a marriage I know I will not there if he cheats again?
 
It sounds like this marriage is worth a second chance; your husband, however, MUST find help in kicking the porn habit or it won’t work. It is very, very dificult, but it can be done. This might be less overwhelming if you just take it one day at time, and not think about the “what ifs” of the future. Good Luck! :hug3:
 
icbtih8 said:
I am steadfast in my determination that next time I’m out. Is it better to count my loses now, hope for annulment and move on, or to hope for the best but know that I am no longer staying forever should he cheat again?
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Before you take any action, read this article:

ncregister.com/site/article/4675/

I credit this article with keeping my marriage together, when I faced almost identical circumstances to your own.
 
If he cheated while you were dating (before marriage) it could be open to anullment if it goes that far as it might make the sacrament invalid under the circumstances of (intention of marriage) as his heart and love and overall intention could be questioned.
 
*Your husband needs help beyond what you can supply, though. I believe that with God all things are possible. Through prayer, and therapy, your husband can be healed. It appears as though he has perhaps a fear of commitment. He also might be ‘using’ women to squash a deeper pain that exists within him, that he is ashamed to admit to you…or just doesn’t know how to express it. But, that being said, without lasting change, your marriage will only be one sided. I took vows with my husband, but the ‘worse’ part doesn’t mean that we tolerate any and all bad behaviors from our spouses, to uphold the marriage. I don’t advocate divorce…never would. But, I also don’t believe that if your husband continues to cheat, that you have a marriage to really preserve. If a spouse wants to have sex throughout the marriage, or online affairs, whatever…with other women–he isn’t committed to you.

Your marriage will only work if he gets help. Counseling. Not one or two sessions, but serious counseling. On his own, and together with you. He has had numerous indiscretions…there is a problem there. And sometimes, marriage isn’t always about us. It’s about God placing us with someone we can help to heaven. So, I see this from a few angles, but don’t get too caught up in the future, take each day as it comes. But, I’d make sure your husband got into counseling, there are too many incidents at this point, and he really needs some outside help.

I hope and pray that your husband chooses to change, and agrees to counseling. God bless.*
 
icbtih8 said:
I’m sorry if I was misleading. Yes, I am the one who will not be there in the “for worse” if he cheats again.
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With this attitude you are not doing yourself, your husband or any future children any favors. You need to make a decision and stick with it – either forgive and forget (even in all the “for worse’s” that will come along), or get out now.

If your marriage is truly one that is not nor has ever been valid – go, run away. A marriage takes unconditional love and yours seems to be very conditional (and maybe his is too).

Is there a possibility your husband will never have affairs for the rest of his life? Sure there is. But again, if you are going to decide right now that one more mistake in the future is going to make you break the marriage, there’s also the possibility he will be unfaithful again. A broken marriage years down the line will be EXTREMELY harder on you than it would be now.

Conditions in a marriage do NOT work or make for a strong marriage of mutual and complete trust, respect and love. To be blunt, that is what has contributed to this “throw away” society we live in. You, and he, need to decide right now and promise before each other and before God that you truly believe in what Jesus taught us – “from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife), and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.”

If your marriage is not valid right now (meaning that you are able to obtain a declaration of nullity), and if you don’t believe in what our Lord has told us – get out now. If you do believe fully in what our Lord said and IF your marriage is truly consecrated and valid, remove all conditions from your mind, pray that your husband remains faithful and pray that God abundantly blesses your marriage.
 
As much as my heart breaks for you, and it really does, I’ve been in a similar situation with infidelity and a girlfriend (the bonds of matrimony make your case, obviously, much more heart wrenching) Please rememeber that I am praying for you.

Go to counseling with him, and work through these issues, please. Just don’t automatically leave him. Humans are weak. If you made the mistake, I am sure you wouldn’t want him to just abandon you. Please, please, please get some help. He is absoultely, 100% wrong. But don’t throw oil on the fire by just leaving.
 
Hi and welcome!

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. My husband and I are 14 months post affair (his) and still working on all these issues.

I cannot tell you if your marriage is not valid, and my understanding is that the church won’t even begin to look at it until after you divorce. This leaves me questioning whether you really want to leave now.

In my marriage, we have been working on rebuilding since he admitted the affair. I will not lie, though. There have been many times when I have thought that running away would be the easiest thing. But I realize that it really wouldn’t help anything. No matter what I do, I will have to recover from the damage he caused me. I truly believe this is easier to do with him than it would be alone. And besides that, divorce would only create a new set of problems - ones I am not sure I want to take on.

While I believe that I am committed to staying in this marriage permanently, I also know, during my periods of questioning, that my healing comes first. If, down the road, I decide to leave, it will be out of a position of strength not out of my weakness.

Recovery from infidelity is a very long road - it can take up to 2 years for life just to feel normal again. (And it is my understanding that healing from divorce takes about 5 years.) If your husband is willing to do the work, I would strongly recommend that you get good counseling together and separately and commit to working on it for the time being. You can check out the information at www.affairrecovery.com. They will be starting a new, on-line, Marriage 911 course soon, which can probably help you both determine where you want to be. Also, if you sign up for updates, they will send you some helpful information, including a discussion on, “Can this marriage be saved?”.

God will get you through this. He is always faithful. Feel free to PM any time.
 
I’m so sorry!!.. I’m still trying to heal and recover from this devastation!!
If you decide to work it out, you will have days, when you just want to quit and run away from it all… I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I’m sorry to hear a slight tone of condemnation here of someone who isn’t completely committed to a marriage where the past behavior seems to imply expectation of further infidelities down the road. Just because someone doesn’t think they can go through that devastation for the rest of their life, somehow their lack of “commitment” is judged negatively. Seriously, how many serial cheaters really reform?

We aren’t the OP. We don’t know how far the news of a new infidelity might push the OP. Those who have had to endure that know how horrible it is and what the distrust and betrayal does personally. Is it wise to bring children into this kind of family environment?

Plus… we are in an age of communicable diseases that could be a death sentence. Or a lifetime of viruses that will never be cured. A philandering spouse will subject someone to that possibility. I personally won’t judge someone who doesn’t want to take that risk.

The OP’s spouse may be remorseful. Remorse without behavior change is pretty useless. After a marriage fails, sometimes the tribunal examines whether the person had the psychological capacity to fulfill the terms of the marriage covenant. Some people may WANT to be good spouses, but are completely incapable of doing so.

That can only be determined if the person is willing to get help, find out why they have an uncontrollable need to stray from their promises and try to change. But the problem with marriage validity is the same as with an airplane. Whether it is flightworthy is usually only determined after the plane crashes and the NTSB examines the wreckage. The tribunal can only examine the wreckage of a marriage that is officially over and do a post-mortem on it. Valid marriages continue for years. Implying that someone isn’t in it “for better or worse” is unfair if staying “for worse” can mean making oneself vulnerable to fatal diseases. And a spouse who would subject someone they supposedly love to that has a huge hole in their own conscience. Hastening the “till death do you part” aspect of marriage isn’t part of the vows. While the OP’s spouse is “only” having emotional affairs now… well, often those lead to other things. Plus there is the aspect of deception and a lack of knowledge of the OP about her spouse. If she would not have knowingly married someone who had certain personality defects/addictions that were concealed from her during the engagement and then found it out after the wedding, a tribunal would examine that closely and take it into consideration. We have an OP here who is probably wondering how well she knew her spouse after all.

The annulment process examines closely all attempts to repair the marriage and fix the problems. One has to try as far as possible to fix things. If one or the other partner isn’t willing to try, that also is important to know. Promises to attend counseling that are never followed through on, promises to change behavior that never materialize, a pattern during the dating, engagement and early marriage of cheating all point to psychological incapacity. A tribunal will want to examine the OP’s reasons for marrying someone anyway, if they knew of the cheating before the marriage took place. There, “lack of due discretion” can come into play.

I would advise the OP to try everything to fix the marriage while respecting your own physical/health safety. That way if it fails, you won’t wonder down the road “What if I had really tried harder?” If your spouse doesn’t cooperate, and you can’t see living like this for 50 more years, consult your priest for spiritual guidance. But a petition for nullity will require you to detail what counseling you received, even giving the names and contact info for psychiatrists, counselors and other professionals you dealt with so they can get professional opinions about you and your spouse when the tribunal renders its decision.

Good luck.
 
icbtih8 said:
But in reality, that is not what I want. He is very remorseful and I see him trying to mature and be a good husband. We want to work this out, we want to be together, and we want to have children in the future and build a family.
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I also think you should both seek marriage counseling (with separate counseling for him to deal with his issue of pornography). Fight that temptation to find the “easy way out”. Yes, you might qualify for an annulment but you say that’s not what you want right now.

I also suggest you find a spiritual adviser to help you with your decision. You’re definitely brave for wanting to work this out, so put yourself in the hands of the Lord and pray that you can properly discern what to do. Perhaps with the counseling you’ll see what you really should do.

You’re in my prayers.
 
icbtih8 said:
Hi. I am new here and I’m sorry if I needed to have made a more formal introduction or if this question has been asked already. And sorry if this is long.

2.5 months ago I found out my husband of 3 years had an emotional affair with his coworker. Through more investigation, I found out he had an addiction to pornography and had several emotional/cyber affairs with multiple women during our marriage. He confessed he had a physical affair while we were dating. I was completely blindsided to everything.

I feel like the entire Sacrament was a sham to him and I felt he led me on. I am sure that if he had confessed to me before we were married, I would have never gone through with it. I’ve read on a few places about annulment and it seems like our “case” would be approved since he cheated before we were married and cheated after.

But in reality, that is not what I want. He is very remorseful and I see him trying to mature and be a good husband. We want to work this out, we want to be together, and we want to have children in the future and build a family.

I am trying to forgive him and trying to see that his infidelities do not define him. However, I’ve come to realize that I no longer believe in the “forever” part of my vows. If he cheats again, I’m out. I can’t help to think that now I am taking the Sacrament for granted. How can I share this Sacrament with someone who I know I will not be there in the “for worse” part?

I am steadfast in my determination that next time I’m out. Is it better to count my loses now, hope for annulment and move on, or to hope for the best but know that I am no longer staying forever should he cheat again?

Thanks in advance.
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I encourage you not to let this man treat you as a door mat. I knew a young man whose dad had repeatedly cheated on the mother throughout years. The mother stayed and was a door maat. Today the son has seen this so long, the role models for his life as a boy (he found out about his dads affairs when he was 8) destroyed his aility to have relationships leading to marriage. He had even phobic tendencies when he tried to have a relationship with a girl.
Don’t have kids with a man who cannot be trusted.
And no, you are not supposed to take everything and keep going and going. It takes two people to have a marriage. If your husband keeps cheating and lying then he stopped being part of the marriage a long time ago.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I’m sorry to hear a slight tone of condemnation here of someone who isn’t completely committed to a marriage where the past behavior seems to imply expectation of further infidelities down the road. Just because someone doesn’t think they can go through that devastation for the rest of their life, somehow their lack of “commitment” is judged negatively. Seriously, how many serial cheaters really reform?
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Oh my, OP, I certainly hope you don’t read my post as condemning you for your current feelings. I am certainly not doing so. I do, however stand by my belief that you should get counseling for yourself, your marriage, and your husband (although he needs to do that one on his own). I am also not suggesting you stay in a situation that is unsafe, which may include living with him right now, sleeping with him, among other things. You are the only one who can decide those things.

From my own research, I have learned that the common response to an affair is to divorce quickly. In many of those cases, BOTH parties come to regret the divorce. If you do the work first, you will not have to wonder, “what if?”

I also am not suggesting that you allow this behavior to continue. But seeing where therapy takes your family is not the same thing as letting him walk all over you. It is hard work, but I can tell you that it is very rewarding. I have learned things about myself, my husband and my marriage that I would not have learned any other way. We are also seeing the way our pasts have made us who we are and how we respond to things. None of it excuses his behavior, but it gives us a place to go from here.

The most important thing I have learned about the process is that you are building a new marriage on a new foundation, not rebuilding what was there before. If you both are willing, it can be done.

God bless.
 
hurtandhealing said:
Oh my, OP, I certainly hope you don’t read my post as condemning you for your current feelings. I am certainly not doing so. I do, however stand by my belief that you should get counseling for yourself, your marriage, and your husband (although he needs to do that one on his own). I am also not suggesting you stay in a situation that is unsafe, which may include living with him right now, sleeping with him, among other things. You are the only one who can decide those things.

From my own research, I have learned that the common response to an affair is to divorce quickly. In many of those cases, BOTH parties come to regret the divorce. If you do the work first, you will not have to wonder, “what if?”

I also am not suggesting that you allow this behavior to continue. But seeing where therapy takes your family is not the same thing as letting him walk all over you. It is hard work, but I can tell you that it is very rewarding. I have learned things about myself, my husband and my marriage that I would not have learned any other way. We are also seeing the way our pasts have made us who we are and how we respond to things. None of it excuses his behavior, but it gives us a place to go from here.

The most important thing I have learned about the process is that you are building a new marriage on a new foundation, not rebuilding what was there before. If you both are willing, it can be done.

God bless.
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And it is very very true. I’ve noticed this with my parents. One other important thing is to except what happened. I spend countless hours helping my mother with this, but to her it is very hard to do that. Especially since her and my father have been together 27 years. These things are difficult for couples to handle together and require cooperation from both sides.
 
hurtandhealing said:
Oh my, OP, I certainly hope you don’t read my post as condemning you for your current feelings. I am certainly not doing so.
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No, I thought your post was very helpful. The majority of the posts have been very helpful. Thank you all.

We tried a marriage counselor but she was awful. I’m trying to look for another one.
 
icbtih8 said:
Hi. I am new here and I’m sorry if I needed to have made a more formal introduction or if this question has been asked already. And sorry if this is long.

2.5 months ago I found out my husband of 3 years had an emotional affair with his coworker. Through more investigation, I found out he had an addiction to pornography and had several emotional/cyber affairs with multiple women during our marriage. He confessed he had a physical affair while we were dating. I was completely blindsided to everything.

I feel like the entire Sacrament was a sham to him and I felt he led me on. I am sure that if he had confessed to me before we were married, I would have never gone through with it. I’ve read on a few places about annulment and it seems like our “case” would be approved since he cheated before we were married and cheated after.

But in reality, that is not what I want. He is very remorseful and I see him trying to mature and be a good husband. We want to work this out, we want to be together, and we want to have children in the future and build a family.

I am trying to forgive him and trying to see that his infidelities do not define him. However, I’ve come to realize that I no longer believe in the “forever” part of my vows. If he cheats again, I’m out. I can’t help to think that now I am taking the Sacrament for granted. How can I share this Sacrament with someone who I know I will not be there in the “for worse” part?

I am steadfast in my determination that next time I’m out. Is it better to count my loses now, hope for annulment and move on, or to hope for the best but know that I am no longer staying forever should he cheat again?

Thanks in advance.
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I really love your honesty and the way you struggle with these issues appropriately. My prayers are with you.
 
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