Infidelity within our marriage

[mrs_abbott]

On Sept. 10th, I found out that my husband had “messed around” with another woman on Friday, Sept. 5th. I was devastated and so incredibly hurt over the matter because I love him with my whole heart and to think that didn’t love me like I loved him hurt so much. I had to hear it from the other woman too, which REALLY upset me that he didn’t have the guts to come to me and say he messed up. He would have taken that to the grave with him if she hadn’t told me.
We are currently in counselling. I went last week and he goes tomorrow and she is a Catholic counselor too so that’s nice in regards to making sure we’re getting the correct instruction.
Our diocese offers a Retrouvaille retreat for troubled marriages and we are going to that Oct.10th-12th.
My husband has apologized over and over again for what he did and said he didn’t have a good reason why, except for just being selfish.
I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done but there’s no trust there anymore. I still love him very much and want this to work out more than anything.
It’s so tough and I’ve never felt anything like this before and am not quite sure what I should do or how I should feel.
I didn’t know if any of you had been through something like this or know of someone who has been through it. You can pm me, if you like, if you don’t want to share it publically here.
I just am looking for advice and seeing how others have dealt with situations like this.

 

[Teakafrog]

You’re already doing the best thing I could suggest–which is going to Retrouvaille. It should really help you both deal with this and how it will continue to affect your marriage. Other than that, all I can say is to stay close to Jesus and Mary, and we will pray for you during this very difficult time. God bless you.

 

[thenewmrssears]

No advice, but you are both in my prayers.

May God bless you in these tough times.

 

[chrisb]

Grace and Peace,

I honestly have never experienced infidelity with my spouse and, God Willing, I will never have to but my thoughts and prayers go with you and yours as you deal with the aftermath of this break of trust.

God Bless you and give you His Grace and Peace. Amen.

 

[Cinette]

My first husband was a tom cat and I divorced him (we had 2 children). I should never have married him anyway.

My second husband proved to be just the opposite and we have 2 children also and have been together for 42 years. such a contrast.

My advice to you is what the previous poster said. Pray and stay close to Jesus and Mary.

Do not talk to other people about this. People LOVE to hear of your hurt and will dwell on it and talk about it to other people. Gossip is so nice and soon the whole town will be talking, talking, talking and you will be getting side glances and little snickers.

No, you love him and he loves you and he has begged your forgiveness and you are both going to counselling and retrouvaille and couldn’t do better than that.

Please DON’T talk to anyone else unless to someone very close who genuinely loves you.

Pray and work to make your marriage work. Try to forget if you can and go forward - don’t look back.

 

[mrs_abbott]

You’re already doing the best thing I could suggest–which is going to Retrouvaille. It should really help you both deal with this and how it will continue to affect your marriage. Other than that, all I can say is to stay close to Jesus and Mary, and we will pray for you during this very difficult time. God bless you.

I noticed the Retrouvaille link in your signature and saved it so I can gather more information for me and my husband. Thank you!

 

[mrs_abbott]

Please DON’T talk to anyone else unless to someone very close who genuinely loves you.

Pray and work to make your marriage work. Try to forget if you can and go forward - don’t look back.

Just family knows about and a couple of friends of ours but they were around when I found out so they knew about it. Most of the people I know don’t have a clue anything is wrong, other than I’m stressed, because if you could see my face last week, I couldn’t hide it.
I came here since no one here knows me, personally, and to see if others have experienced this because only one of my friends has.
We went to church together on Sunday as a family, which we haven’t done in FOREVER so that was very nice. I hope to keep it up too. We had always gone separate because it was easier to do since we have small children.
My husband made me promise that we do more stuff as a family and I happily agreed!

 

[mrs_abbott]

How can I put this all behind me, though? Every now and then it pops into my head and I want to puke! Most of the time it’s fine, though, and we are going about our normal routine of working and taking care of the kids. We are spending more time together after the kids go to bed, though, and that’s proven to be very good for us.

 

[Cinette]

Just family knows about and a couple of friends of ours but they were around when I found out so they knew about it. Most of the people I know don’t have a clue anything is wrong, other than I’m stressed, because if you could see my face last week, I couldn’t hide it.
I came here since no one here knows me, personally, and to see if others have experienced this because only one of my friends has.
We went to church together on Sunday as a family, which we haven’t done in FOREVER so that was very nice. I hope to keep it up too. We had always gone separate because it was easier to do since we have small children.
My husband made me promise that we do more stuff as a family and I happily agreed!

Sometimes bad things like this can draw you close. Never bring it up once you have sorted it out. Your husband sounds nice in spite of everything.

I can imagine how you felt - your heart racing, your face flushed and red hot, the hurt enveloping you. Offer this up. Ask Our Lady to pray for you and just concentrate on being a family. Family is so important. Let me tell you that no matter how good a divorce is it is never good for the children. So work at your marriage, your relationship, your family and pray. Remember “the family that prays together, stays together”

God bless you.

 

[kevinsgirl]

No advice, just prayers…:hug1:

 

[yessisan]

I’m sorry Mrs Abbott :hug1: I have no experience in this but I do have prayers to offer.

Also, great decision on having signed up for Retro. I too went because of Tammy’s signature… It’s a marriage saver!

 

[BlestOne]

MrsAbbot… you have been hurt… it will take some time to heal. You are doing all the right things by counseling and retrouville. Just keep up the family time and pray daily to forgive. It will come but like I said it will take time. My ex cheated on me several times… I didn’t know about it until after he left but I was still mad as heck. I went and got AIDS tested and started praying for him everynight… not for him back… but for him to heal from his problems… kids prayed with me (or I should say, I prayed with them) and one day… it just didn’t bother me anymore…

 

[mrs_abbott]

I’m sorry Mrs Abbott :hug1: I have no experience in this but I do have prayers to offer.

Also, great decision on having signed up for Retro. I too went because of Tammy’s signature… It’s a marriage saver!

Is your husband a talker or does he have difficulty communicating? Mine isn’t much of a talker but has improved in that department immensely since this all happened because he knows that’s what I need from him to help the healing.
Retrouvaille is alot of talking between ourselves and listening to others speak, correct?

 

[duskyjewel]

. We are spending more time together after the kids go to bed, though, and that’s proven to be very good for us.

Have you made your husband get tested for STDs? You shouldn’t be intimate with him until you are sure he didn’t catch anything from his fling. You don’t need the added stress of a disease…

How to put it past you? He has to help you with that. He must be willing to be completely accountable to you 24/7 until you feel comfortable trusting him again. If that means checking in, then he has to do that. If that means changing jobs not to have contact with the other woman, then he has to do that. He has to do everything in his power to make you as comfortable as you can be. He has to prove to you that trusting him is not foolish.

And you have to be willing to forgive and move on if you choose to stay with him. Be committed to rebuilding the marriage, not to punishing him or using this as a power play/guilt trip.

I am sure Retrouvaille will bring all that stuff up.

Good luck, you are a stronger woman than me. I would probably stay in that “pukey” place and never be able to let him touch me again. Maybe that’s weakness on my part, but… I really think I couldn’t stay.

 

[yessisan]

Is your husband a talker or does he have difficulty communicating? Mine isn’t much of a talker but has improved in that department immensely since this all happened because he knows that’s what I need from him to help the healing.
Retrouvaille is alot of talking between ourselves and listening to others speak, correct?

He’s not much of a talker but most of the talking is between the 2 of you and if you want to speak outloud to the group you do it. Nobody will force you… but the wknd is mostly listening to others speak… it’s as private as you want it to be, unless you want to share.

We didn’t share anything during the wknd with the group. We shared later on, about 3-4 months into the meetings.

 

[yessisan]

Have you made your husband get tested for STDs? You shouldn’t be intimate with him until you are sure he didn’t catch anything from his fling. You don’t need the added stress of a disease…

I totally agree!

And this will make you so much stronger. After DH and I had our problems, we’ve grown closer together and I think I am a stronger woman now. The trust is hard to regain but little by little you’ll rebuild it if you both are willing to work it out, and it seems like both of you are.

 

[mrs_abbott]

Have you made your husband get tested for STDs? You shouldn’t be intimate with him until you are sure he didn’t catch anything from his fling. You don’t need the added stress of a disease…

There was no sex involved in this. Both of them told me that so I believe it to be true. There was just some very physical contact in certain areas that are reserved for married people ONLY.

duskyjewel:

How to put it past you? He has to help you with that. He must be willing to be completely accountable to you 24/7 until you feel comfortable trusting him again. If that means checking in, then he has to do that. If that means changing jobs not to have contact with the other woman, then he has to do that. He has to do everything in his power to make you as comfortable as you can be. He has to prove to you that trusting him is not foolish.

He goes nowhere without me, except to work. Tonight I am allowing him to go to the grocery store by himself because I have to work late. He doesn’t know it yet but I’m going to call him every 10 min. to check up on him to make sure he’s there, which I believe he will be, but just to be sure. He knows he needs to answer his phone each time that I call because otherwise I will get suspicious.

duskyjewel:

And you have to be willing to forgive and move on if you choose to stay with him. Be committed to rebuilding the marriage, not to punishing him or using this as a power play/guilt trip.

Exactly! He is not a slave to my hurting. He is my husband and my part in life and needs to be treated as such. This is why I want to put this all behind me and move forward together.

duskyjewel:

I am sure Retrouvaille will bring all that stuff up.

Good luck, you are a stronger woman than me. I would probably stay in that “pukey” place and never be able to let him touch me again. Maybe that’s weakness on my part, but… I really think I couldn’t stay.

I can’t say exactly why I let him back in my life (I made him leave for a few days while I calmed down) except that I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was overriding the “puke” feeling and took that as a sign from God to try and forgive him and work things out.
My husband has been sucking up to me like there’s no tomorrow and it’s kinda funny at times. I feel like a queen! I let him do it on his own if that makes him feel better. He knows that there’s more to it than doing household chores for me but that’s all he knows for now. He knows he screwed up big time and has cried several times over it. He’s not a crier either. I’ve only seen him cry two times since I’ve known him: 1) when his brother died; 2) and this. I think that’s why I’m believing his sincerity with all this because he’s not an emotional guy at all.

 

[duskyjewel]

There was no sex involved in this. Both of them told me that so I believe it to be true. There was just some very physical contact in certain areas that are reserved for married people ONLY.

That doesn’t matter. Oral sex can transmit disease. A good friend of mine from childhood got herpes, incurable herpes, from her first sexual experience which involved oral sex only. Manual sexual stimulation, if he had a cut on his hand, could result in transmission of a disease. He needs to get tested for STDs, and frankly, that should be a non-negotiable condition before there is any marital intimacy between you. You said you believe him, but he could be lying to minimize the hurt to you. You need to protect yourself and MAKE SURE.

 

[BamaRider]

Has he answered all your questions about this? Just make sure you have the entire truth.

It has been only a few weeks, I’m sure you are still in a fog about the entire situation.

I don’t have any advice, because never been in your shoes. It would be too easy for me to say do this or do that. I’ll differ to your counselors and otther professionals.

But if you want to come here just to tawk about it anonymously, that’s what we’re here for.

 

[whatevergirl]

mrs abott–I’m sorry to hear about this! But, you are truly an inspiring Catholic…to forgive, and wish to repair what happened within your marriage. I am in awe right now…I know that it’s God’s abundant graces being poured upon you right now, equipping you to cope with this.

I agree with dusky…you simply don’t know, so it’s best if he and you get tested, just to be safe.

I will say one thing though…you say he is ‘allowed’ to go the grocery store? Hmm. I understand you are wary of trusting him, but he’s an adult. And to call you every ten minutes…I am just saying–this is your call, it’s your situation, but be careful that this doesn’t turn into a control problem (for you), because you are fearful of trusting him again. I can’t imagine it. I know for myself, that I could forgive, but the trust part would be very hard. So I totally understand the need to do this–But, having him answer his phone every ten minutes, or permitting him to only go to the grocery store or places with you…won’t undo what he did. If he were your son, and did something to violate trust, it would be one thing, but he’s your husband. I just don’t think that micromanaging techniques work…not in the workplace, and not in marriages. (Please know I mean well saying this–I’m just trying to help you not become stressed when your husband is not at your side)

My prayers are with you…I am sorry this happened. Stay close to Christ, and He will guide and comfort you.