Infidelity within our marriage

[mrs_abbott]

That doesn’t matter. Oral sex can transmit disease. A good friend of mine from childhood got herpes, incurable herpes, from her first sexual experience which involved oral sex only. Manual sexual stimulation, if he had a cut on his hand, could result in transmission of a disease. He needs to get tested for STDs, and frankly, that should be a non-negotiable condition before there is any marital intimacy between you. You said you believe him, but he could be lying to minimize the hurt to you. You need to protect yourself and MAKE SURE.

We have not been intimate and he is going for a physical next Monday (testing included).

 

[whatevergirl]

mrs abbott said—>I can’t say exactly why I let him back in my life (I made him leave for a few days while I calmed down) except that I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was overriding the “puke” feeling and took that as a sign from God to try and forgive him and work things out.
My husband has been sucking up to me like there’s no tomorrow and it’s kinda funny at times. I feel like a queen! I let him do it on his own if that makes him feel better. He knows that there’s more to it than doing household chores for me but that’s all he knows for now. He knows he screwed up big time and has cried several times over it. He’s not a crier either. I’ve only seen him cry two times since I’ve known him: 1) when his brother died; 2) and this. I think that’s why I’m believing his sincerity with all this because he’s not an emotional guy at all.

Counseling as you’ve mentioned you’re planning to go to, will also help you both to see why he did this to begin with. Affairs a lot of the times, have NOTHING to do with the marriage at hand, and more about filling a void for the cheating party. I hope you get to the root cause, because only then, will you both be able to fully come to terms with what happened…and seek peace over it. I will be praying hard for your marriage!!!

 

[mrs_abbott]

But, having him answer his phone every ten minutes, or permitting him to only go to the grocery store or places with you…won’t undo what he did. If he were your son, and did something to violate trust, it would be one thing, but he’s your husband. I just don’t think that micromanaging techniques work…not in the workplace, and not in marriages. (Please know I mean well saying this–I’m just trying to help you not become stressed when your husband is not at your side)

I know what you’re saying, I really do. I probably won’t call every ten minutes but probably a couple of times. He knows that he needs to answer my calls, though, at least for now. He is totally willing to do that to because he said he wants to show me that he’s being honest and admitting that he messed up and not wanting to do it again. He’s got more freedom than my counselor suggested I give him.

 

[duskyjewel]

We have not been intimate and he is going for a physical next Monday (testing included).

Good. Unfortunately, you have to think defensively on this. It might be a good idea to get yourself tested too, just because, and only you know this, you might have been intimate with him around the time he did this, before you knew about it. Just want you to protect your health!

Honestly, this is one of the major reasons I would not be able to stay with my DH if he cheated. In today’s society, he is literally taking the chance of KILLING me if he has sex with someone else (in any form) and then comes home and has sex with me. If he were to take a risk like that with my health, and the well being of our kids who need me, it would be hard to ever even look at him again. Like I said, I am probably just weak in being that way. I have heard the stories of marriages that went on to become stronger after infidelity, and I know I would be denying myself that possibility. But, having never been there, I guess I don’t really know…

 

[mrs_abbott]

Has he answered all your questions about this? Just make sure you have the entire truth.

Yes he has and answered them to my satisfaction looking me directly in the eye. That’s how I know if he’s lying or not. He can’t maintain eye contact with someone (and neither can I) when lying.

 

[mrs_abbott]

Good. Unfortunately, you have to think defensively on this. It might be a good idea to get yourself tested too, just because, and only you know this, you might have been intimate with him around the time he did this, before you knew about it.

And honestly I can’t remember whether we were or not but I will assume so.

 

[whatevergirl]

I know what you’re saying, I really do. I probably won’t call every ten minutes but probably a couple of times. He knows that he needs to answer my calls, though, at least for now. He is totally willing to do that to because he said he wants to show me that he’s being honest and admitting that he messed up and not wanting to do it again. He’s got more freedom than my counselor suggested I give him.

Ok…whew–I am sooo glad you knew I didn’t mean that offensively. lol

I think that trust comes from just that…trust. If what your counselor suggests is for you to keep a tight leash on your husband, how will you or he ever understand the true meaning of trust? Anyways, he should be coming home FREELY…and wishing to be with you FREELY. Obviously if he is rarely home after this, it would be futile to want to try to make things work…putting a spouse on a leash never ever works…maybe for a short time, but he/she will grow resentful.

I feel bad too for him, that he did this. Truly, I know this might not help, but people who cheat are hurting. They just turn to the wrong person to express it with. I pray that you both can regain trust and commitment for one another…I am still in awe of you though, mrs a. You’re a pretty strong Catholic, if I do say so myself.

G’night for now…please know you’re being bathed in prayers.

 

[ralphinal]

As a man whose wife cheated (my first wife, not my current one), I feel for you. The first time, I forgave her, forgot it, and never mentioned it again. By the thrid time, it was too much.

It caused me to have a lot of trust issues, not just with her but with all women in general. I am still not over it 100%. I may never be.

You have my prayers.

 

[mrs_abbott]

…putting a spouse on a leash never ever works…maybe for a short time, but he/she will grow resentful.

I feel bad too for him, that he did this. Truly, I know this might not help, but people who cheat are hurting. They just turn to the wrong person to express it with. I pray that you both can regain trust and commitment for one another…I am still in awe of you though, mrs a. You’re a pretty strong Catholic, if I do say so myself.

G’night for now…please know you’re being bathed in prayers.

And I don’t want to put him on a leash either. I feel that as long as he communicates with me on a regular basis that there’s no need for a leash.
I’ve known people who have divorced from affairs and the hurt it caused both parties. I was told by my parents, his parents and a trusted priest that we both converse with that we should try our hardest to make this work. My husband is committed to fixing it so I am committed in helping fix it as well.
There had to be a reason, even if it was a subconscience one, that made him do this, so our marriage wasn’t that great to start with it and that falls on BOTH of us.
He is my true love and my best friend and I can’t imagine going through life without him!

Thank you for the prayers!

 

[mrs_abbott]

As a man whose wife cheated (my first wife, not my current one), I feel for you. The first time, I forgave her, forgot it, and never mentioned it again. By the thrid time, it was too much.

It caused me to have a lot of trust issues, not just with her but with all women in general. I am still not over it 100%. I may never be.

You have my prayers.

And you have mine. :console:

 

[BamaRider]

As a man whose wife cheated (my first wife, not my current one), I feel for you. The first time, I forgave her, forgot it, and never mentioned it again. By the thrid time, it was too much.

Dang.

With the same guy?? Or different ones?

 

[mrs_abbott]

Today is hubby’s first day of counselling. Pray that it goes well.
I don’t know how much longer we will be able to keep it up either due to finances. We will seek help if absolutely needed (ex. parish priest, more Retrouvailles, maybe a Marriage Encounter further down the road?).
Are those all good or is there something I’m leaving out?

 

[Charli67]

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am working through these exact same things right now. My husband had an affair also. We did divorce, but after 3 years of being apart we have reconciled and are together again. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s not easy! Some days are great, others…not so much. Just when you think you are heading in the right direction the devil makes an appearance and says “Don’t forget!” And all we can do is PRAY!! St. Jude and I have become very close friends.

Trust is a hard thing to win back. And, it’s not going to happen over night. There is no real time table for when it is going to happen. In my instance, he has been home for 2 and a half years and I still have days where the pain is too immense to handle. In the beginning, it was like our honeymoon years all over again. Now…the honeymoon is over and we are just back to life. Somedays it could be a song on the radio that was out at that time that brings it all flooding back. Other times it could be a restuarant we go to or really anything.

Isn’t it funny how this one person can not only bring us the most joy we have ever experienced, but also the most pain?!?!

Another saint I pray to quite frequently is St. Michael. When the doubts start to creep back in, I call to action St. Michael.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[mrs_abbott]

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am working through these exact same things right now. My husband had an affair also. We did divorce, but after 3 years of being apart we have reconciled and are together again. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s not easy! Some days are great, others…not so much. Just when you think you are heading in the right direction the devil makes an appearance and says “Don’t forget!” And all we can do is PRAY!! St. Jude and I have become very close friends.

I have learned to pray alot since this happened because God is the only one I can really talk to about this. A couple of my friends know but they found out because they caught me in a moment that I was very upset (the day after I found out). No one else knows anything is wrong, except that we have been having trouble but that’s it, no details because I hate lying to people.

Charli67:

Trust is a hard thing to win back. And, it’s not going to happen over night. There is no real time table for when it is going to happen. In my instance, he has been home for 2 and a half years and I still have days where the pain is too immense to handle. In the beginning, it was like our honeymoon years all over again. Now…the honeymoon is over and we are just back to life. Somedays it could be a song on the radio that was out at that time that brings it all flooding back. Other times it could be a restuarant we go to or really anything.

I’ve experienced that already. There are some days where we get along so well and others when it pops back in my head and I don’t want him touching me. Those days of the flash-backs are getting fewer and fewer so I’m definitely gonna keep up on the prayin’!

Charli67:

Isn’t it funny how this one person can not only bring us the most joy we have ever experienced, but also the most pain?!?!

I know. I guess it just shows how much they really mean to us. My husband found that out when I allowed him to move back home.

Charli67:

Another saint I pray to quite frequently is St. Michael. When the doubts start to creep back in, I call to action St. Michael.

Definitely! I need someone to defend me in battle against the devil.

Charli67:

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thank you!

 

[Charli67]

I have learned to pray alot since this happened because God is the only one I can really talk to about this.

I absolutely agree. As much as our family and friends love us, they’re biased. Not only were you hurt, but so were they. And, I have found that in my family they are not so quick to forgive. Which makes it hard to discuss this with them. I don’t discuss it actually. I think holding a grudge is actually programmed into our DNA (I’m italian). This forum has been helpful. I actually started a thread last week about this topic because I don’t know anyone that has reconciled after an affair.

Just know that I am here for you…Praying!!!

 

[mrs_abbott]

I absolutely agree. As much as our family and friends love us, they’re biased. Not only were you hurt, but so were they. And, I have found that in my family they are not so quick to forgive. Which makes it hard to discuss this with them. I don’t discuss it actually. I think holding a grudge is actually programmed into our DNA (I’m italian). This forum has been helpful. I actually started a thread last week about this topic because I don’t know anyone that has reconciled after an affair.

Just know that I am here for you…Praying!!!

My parents (mainly my mom) is still holding a grudge and probably will for a LONG time. She’s been known to do that for YEARS! She’s just now been on good terms with my dad’s side of the family and has been harboring grudges towards them for stupid things for over 10 years!
The friends of mine who know were upset because I was hurt. I told them we are working it out and they were happy to hear about that. They aren’t the grudge type so as long as I am doing alright, so will they. It’ll just be a LONG time before we can all hang out again together. We still have a handful of friends between us that know absolutely nothing about what happened so we can still hang out with folks as a couple.
Thanks for the prayers! You can never have enough of them!!!

 

[duskyjewel]

I can’t say I blame your mom much. This is NOT a stupid thing.

If the man my baby girl entrusted her life, soul, and heart, and children to went out and cheated on her, causing her the pain you are feeling now, causing all of us to feel betrayed and stupid for ever liking or trusting him… well, it would take me a long time to ever be able to look him in the face again. If my daughter chose to stay with him, I would try to respect her choice, but honestly, I would never trust the guy again and would be on the lookout for anything suspicious from there on out. I mean, that’s my baby! So try to understand her point of view… you know how we moms get. Our little one gets hurt or wronged, our mama bear roars, and we are still stewing about it hours or even days later, while the little one it happened to is out playing, happy and having forgotten (or gotten over) the whole thing! Moms… we have that whole “defend the nest” thing going on.

 

[iluvmybabies]

On Sept. 10th, I found out that my husband had “messed around” with another woman on Friday, Sept. 5th. I was devastated and so incredibly hurt over the matter because I love him with my whole heart and to think that didn’t love me like I loved him hurt so much. I had to hear it from the other woman too, which REALLY upset me that he didn’t have the guts to come to me and say he messed up. He would have taken that to the grave with him if she hadn’t told me.
We are currently in counselling. I went last week and he goes tomorrow and she is a Catholic counselor too so that’s nice in regards to making sure we’re getting the correct instruction.
Our diocese offers a Retrouvaille retreat for troubled marriages and we are going to that Oct.10th-12th.
My husband has apologized over and over again for what he did and said he didn’t have a good reason why, except for just being selfish.
I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done but there’s no trust there anymore. I still love him very much and want this to work out more than anything.
It’s so tough and I’ve never felt anything like this before and am not quite sure what I should do or how I should feel.
I didn’t know if any of you had been through something like this or know of someone who has been through it. You can pm me, if you like, if you don’t want to share it publically here.
I just am looking for advice and seeing how others have dealt with situations like this.

Yes my prayers are with you as well! I am very sorry to hear about the pain and the terrible cross you must bare…Keep praying and keep your hopes up. At least he’s willing and going to try to make it up to you and I pray he never does anything like that again. I hear you once the trust is broken it’s hard to get it back but be patient, and let him show you he loves you. I have read that many men find the chase and hunt to be most appealing and submit to temptation when the “fox” they are hunting is even doubling up on the temptation, another unfortunate thing about men, unable to control themselves and their wants and needs…just remember you did nothing wrong, it was his selfishness that caused this to happen, not you!!! You love your husband and have been there for him, you didn’t deserve this but it happened and you must move on. Look forward to the retreat, and him loving you…even if it takes time, at least you will be together and can move forward together…
God bless, take care and please keep us updated on your progress. Before you know it your heart will heal and God’s love will make all things possible for you and your husband to be well again!!

 

[Charli67]

I sent you a PM.

 

[iluvmybabies]

We have not been intimate and he is going for a physical next Monday (testing included).

Very wise decision because now-a-days it seems you can catch anything and everything with just a touch so please be careful…remember if it comes out negative doesn’t really mean that he’s clean…you must follow up every 6 months, I believe it could also be every 3 months as well…better safe than sorry…If you could wear protection even if you would like to be intimate, I know it sounds bad but think about it, it’s not for birthcontrol it’s for your own health, I have read that certain Condoms can help against std’s? Not sure if it’s true but like I said until the 6 month’s test comes by keep using them…
Also I am sorry to hear that you can’t even trust him to be by himself, remember he’s the weak one you are the strong one…don’t feel intimidated by him being alone, of course do what you can to make him realize he’s going to lose the best part of his life if he continues and make sure he understands you are serious, even if you will never leave him the fear of losing a loved one especially a wife really gets a man thinking as well!!! Good luck and my prayers are with you!!