Infidelity within our marriage

[ralphinal]

Dang.

With the same guy?? Or different ones?

Different. It was over the course of years. Nothing long term in any of them. Just repeted violation of my trust.

 

[notsmart]

I don’t know personally what this is like to work through. I do know my SIL has. She met my BIL when he was married to his first wife. They had an affair, and he divorced wife number one, to carry on with her. They got married less than a year after his divorce! And, she was pregnant with their baby at that point.
Their marriage started on a lie and deception, and then less than 5 years after their marriage started, he was cheating on her too.
She seemed so surprised and so hurt, but she never seemed to think it surprising that he did it to his first wife with her!
I refused to give her an ounce of sympathy about it, since she showed NO mercy to his first wife, who I was friends with- and still am. I invite them both to family functions.
She had the nerve to ask his first wife for advice about my BIL’s latest affair.
I am just venting here, as I am sure this does not apply to you, but I thought I would add my post if it may help someone who is in this situation see how things can come back to “haunt” them.

As far as your situation is concerned, I will pray for your family for healing, and am very sorry you are in this situation.

 

[grandfather]

All sin of every type is the result of one thing, a lack of grace. Short leashes, every 10 minute calls, counselling, talking it over, and everything else mentioned will not bring grace. Grace comes from being near to God. It comes from prayer and worship. It comes from being attentive to the practices of living the life of faith.

Did you and your husband have a practice of praying together, or do you now? We need to ask for grace, grace to protect our souls and marriages, to be faithful to God in all things. We need strength and protection and many other graces. When grace is lacking there is a reason for it.

When people fall it is always due to a lack of grace. Now you need grace to forgive and heal, but you also both needed it before so this would not happen. He needs grace to truly repent and only God knows the secret of the soul. Couples all need to recognize that they can fall into sin, and pray together to remain faithful together. We can not take anything for granted. It can happen to anyone.

All couples should pray together every morning. Healthy marriages and souls need to be kept healthy. We can not simply assume that all will be well. We need to ask for God’s help to be well and stay well.

We also need to be thankful for the grace we do have.

It is a personal observation that couples who are not open to life often struggle to remain healthy in their marriages. Only you know if you have been following the teaching of the Church in your marriage. God bless you and your husband. I hope you find healing and super abundant grace.

 

[Red_Meg]

I’m terribly sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t even imagine.

Please forgive me if this doesn’t apply, but I don’t know if your husband is Catholic or not. Assuming he is, one thing I didn’t notice in the thread so far is to encourage him to go make a really good confession. You may want to as well, not because of any fault on your part in this, of course, but simply because we are all sinners in need of forgiveness. You may want to even try and fit in daily Mass during the week together, even if it’s just one extra day. I know it’s hard with little kids, but there’s something about being at Mass together that goes a long way…

The sacraments are channels of grace Our Lord has given us. Taking full advantage of them will surely help.

Please be assured of my prayers for you and for him. My heart really goes out to you. :console:

Best,

Margaret

 

[rebusrms]

my heart breaks reading this thread. Please realize how strong you are and just how special you are. Please know you are in my prayers

May the Blessed Mother pray for us all

 

[micatholic]

My advice is unconditional forgiveness and prayer. There are many reasons for infidelity and those without sin…You might see this as an opportunity to increase the strength of your marriage. Didn’t Peter forget he knew Jesus?

 

[kage_ar]

…better safe than sorry…If you could wear protection even if you would like to be intimate, I know it sounds bad but think about it, it’s not for birthcontrol it’s for your own health, I have read that certain Condoms can help against std’s?

Use of condoms in marital relations is not something cathoics can do.

Her Priest will be able to provide the best advice on when to think about relations again.

Prayers.

BTW, has he cut all ties with this woman? That will help you some with the trust issue.

 

[duskyjewel]

My advice is unconditional forgiveness and prayer. There are many reasons for infidelity and those without sin…You might see this as an opportunity to increase the strength of your marriage. Didn’t Peter forget he knew Jesus?

I’m sorry but unconditional forgiveness is foolishness of the highest order! mrs_abbott needs and deserves her husband’s commitment to proving that trusting him is not stupid.

GOD doesn’t even grant unconditional forgiveness… we have to ask for it in Confession.

 

[Charli67]

duskyjewel - do you pray the Lord’s Prayer? Because I believe he tells us to “forgive us OUR trespasses as WE forgive those who trespass against us”. Those are HIS words, not ours. So, when someone offends you, you have to seek to forgive that person especially if you expect to be forgiven. It is not always easy, but it is essential. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness.

 

[whatevergirl]

duskyjewel - do you pray the Lord’s Prayer? Because I believe he tells us to “forgive us OUR trespasses as WE forgive those who trespass against us”. Those are HIS words, not ours. So, when someone offends you, you have to seek to forgive that person especially if you expect to be forgiven. It is not always easy, but it is essential. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness.

**
That is so true, Charli. I think what dusky is saying though, is that yes we are to forgive, but that doesn’t mean God wants us to remain in situations that are not healthy. Now, if a spouse cheats, and asks for forgiveness…the other spouse forgives…and the cheating spouse REPENTS and changes his/her ways–then and only then would it make sense to remain in that marriage. I believe in second chances…heck, God gives us thousands of chances…at the least. But, yes, we are called to forgive…but for some marriages, the cheating/offending spouse is not willing to change. That is key. I wouldn’t remain in a marriage repeatedly forgiving someone who didn’t intend on changing.

Also–we can still forgive, and not remain in situations. I have forgiven people who long ago hurt me, but they are no longer friends of mine, for example–for whatever the reasons.

Forgiveness is act of the will. We are called to forgive, and God forgives us of our sins. But, we have to repent, or what we tell God is just words.

Hope I’m making sense this morning-I’m sleepy.

God bless!** :coffeeread:

 

[iluvmybabies]

I don’t know personally what this is like to work through. I do know my SIL has. She met my BIL when he was married to his first wife. They had an affair, and he divorced wife number one, to carry on with her. They got married less than a year after his divorce! And, she was pregnant with their baby at that point.
Their marriage started on a lie and deception, and then less than 5 years after their marriage started, he was cheating on her too.
She seemed so surprised and so hurt, but she never seemed to think it surprising that he did it to his first wife with her!
I refused to give her an ounce of sympathy about it, since she showed NO mercy to his first wife, who I was friends with- and still am. I invite them both to family functions.
She had the nerve to ask his first wife for advice about my BIL’s latest affair.
I am just venting here, as I am sure this does not apply to you, but I thought I would add my post if it may help someone who is in this situation see how things can come back to “haunt” them.

As far as your situation is concerned, I will pray for your family for healing, and am very sorry you are in this situation.

Yeah a friend of mine did that too…After 13 years of marriage “fell in love” with the intern in the office…Told me his wife had lost her “drive” and he needed someone that was in his level of emotion, dedication, sophistication, and want. He wanted a friend and his wife was no longer that…They have 3 children…He didn’t care about her at all…All he cared about was that the young hot intern was giving his high paying self the eye…She knew he was married and had 3 children she didn’t care either…
Well he divorced his wife and 2 years after the divorce he’s “happily” married with the intern, whom quit working as soon as he left his wife, and moved in with him…A couple of years after the “honey moon” there was a new intern: hot, young, and super flirtatious, she is my friend too!!! This guy wasn’t her type but she couldn’t help but flirt…hey that’s what single young people do…I mean they were texting each other, going out to eat, for a while I thought she had fallen for him too…She told me it was all fun and games, and that she wasn’t interested in him…Well one day a mutual friend of my friend’s and his wife showed up while they were “eating out” and she told his ex wife and rumor got ahold of his new wife…Of course his new wife wanted answers and was having major issues with my friend…My friend stopped hanging around with him because she said she couldn’t deal with the drama…but I was like really??? Oh it must be nice for things to come back to haunt you like that!!! Where she didn’t care about his wife and still did what she wanted to take him from her…but when the shoes turned around “OH I don’t think so right?!” That’s why I feel that people who are single should seriously look towards single people not peole who are married…because you never know when the shoe might turn around on you!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

**It’s interesting…we definitely reap what we sow in this life. And while we should never gloat…that is wrong to do, these examples serve as warnings, if nothing else gets through to a person thinking of doing this.

I remember a woman who was very flirty with my husband years ago. Now, my husband and I were having issues, we were separated. I didn’t say anything. In some ways, I just wanted to see how it played out. And afterall, I felt guilty for asking for the separation. Despite the separation, my husband told her he was happily married. I remember hearing that from a friend of a friend. I realized what a dummy I was being, and how fortunate I was to have a good, faithful man–he isn’t without his faults, I sure know I have mine. I am a handful, he says. But, people underestimate faithfulness…it’s something that is priceless in a marriage. I never take that aspect of my marriage for granted like I used to.

Hearing stories like what you tell here…and also my sister’s story, shows me that we really need to appreciate a faithful spouse. And for those who have cheated, and repented…and have made things work with their spouses now…you deserve a kudos also. I pray for all marriages that they don’t succomb to the temptation of infidelity. It’s like an insidious cancer. **

 

[mrs_abbott]

I don’t know personally what this is like to work through. I do know my SIL has. She met my BIL when he was married to his first wife. They had an affair, and he divorced wife number one, to carry on with her. They got married less than a year after his divorce! And, she was pregnant with their baby at that point.
Their marriage started on a lie and deception, and then less than 5 years after their marriage started, he was cheating on her too.
She seemed so surprised and so hurt, but she never seemed to think it surprising that he did it to his first wife with her!
I refused to give her an ounce of sympathy about it, since she showed NO mercy to his first wife, who I was friends with- and still am. I invite them both to family functions.
She had the nerve to ask his first wife for advice about my BIL’s latest affair.
I am just venting here, as I am sure this does not apply to you, but I thought I would add my post if it may help someone who is in this situation see how things can come back to “haunt” them.

As far as your situation is concerned, I will pray for your family for healing, and am very sorry you are in this situation.

That is quite the story and I’m glad mine is not that complex or I think I would go crazy, well, more so than I already am!
Thanks for the prayers! Keep ‘em comin’!

 

[Charli67]

Also–we can still forgive, and not remain in situations.
Forgiveness is act of the will. We are called to forgive, and God forgives us of our sins. But, we have to repent, or what we tell God is just words.

I agree with what you are saying, but not everyone who offends us is going to ask for us to forgive them, but we still have to. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” When Jesus was dying on the cross he still sought forgiveness for those who put him there even though they were not repentant.

I believe her husband is repentant, but she needs to not just forgive him, but she needs to forgive the woman he was with. Sounds crazy, yes, but I am in her same position. And as hurt as I am, both my husband AND the other woman are to blame. My husband asked my forgiveness, she still hasn’t but you know what, I forgive her anyway.

I don’t understand how we can make ourselves better than our Lord and say not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. And whether he offends again or not, she will still have to forgive him. Your right, it doesn’t mean she needs to stay, but she does still need to forgive.

 

[mrs_abbott]

BTW, has he cut all ties with this woman? That will help you some with the trust issue.

Yes. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her anymore. He actually can’t come up with a good reason why he was even with her in the first place.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with what you are saying, but not everyone who offends us is going to ask for us to forgive them, but we still have to. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” When Jesus was dying on the cross he still sought forgiveness for those who put him there even though they were not repentant.

I believe her husband is repentant, but she needs to not just forgive him, but she needs to forgive the woman he was with. Sounds crazy, yes, but I am in her same position. And as hurt as I am, both my husband AND the other woman are to blame. My husband asked my forgiveness, she still hasn’t but you know what, I forgive her anyway.

I don’t understand how we can make ourselves better than our Lord and say not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. And whether he offends again or not, she will still have to forgive him. Your right, it doesn’t mean she needs to stay, but she does still need to forgive.

Exactly–forgiveness has nothing to do with staying or leaving a marriage. If a person leaves a marriage due to infidelity, and then years later learns to forgive his/her cheating spouse, forgiveness is still given, just the same as if she had remained. I think that if a person is willing to stay in the relationship, that is his/her call…but, forgiveness is required of us whether or not we decide to stay or leave certain situations. I have friends who have hurt me…I have forgiven them, but choose to keep a distance from them.

 

[mrs_abbott]

Exactly–forgiveness has nothing to do with staying or leaving a marriage. If a person leaves a marriage due to infidelity, and then years later learns to forgive his/her cheating spouse, forgiveness is still given, just the same as if she had remained. I think that if a person is willing to stay in the relationship, that is his/her call…but, forgiveness is required of us whether or not we decide to stay or leave certain situations. I have friends who have hurt me…I have forgiven them, but choose to keep a distance from them.

I have forgiven him because he asked me to and I truly feel it in my heart so I know that was God working with us.
Now the other woman I still haven’t yet. The only way I can even see myself forgiving her, since she was the initiator of all of this with the intention of breaking us up, is through pity and nothing more. That’s all I can come up with.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I have forgiven him because he asked me to and I truly feel it in my heart so I know that was God working with us.
Now the other woman I still haven’t yet. The only way I can even see myself forgiving her, since she was the initiator of all of this with the intention of breaking us up, is through pity and nothing more. That’s all I can come up with.

It’s understandable…It will take time but eventually you will be able to forgive her…As hard as it may seem to do so now…Just keep praying and may God be with you…
I am very sorry for the pain you are going through, I hope you and your hubby get through this terrible test…

 

[BamaRider]

Someone mentioned the attitude of single folks, in particular single ladies.

My job had alot of temptations, attractive women were always trying to hang around the fire stations, and where we hung out when off duty. I saw it for what it was, and just knew better, and stayed away, and advised the younger guys to do the same. “Nothing but trouble, if y’all let them hang around.”

These type of women, have no remorse about what they do. Their attitude is bascially, if they confined themselves to dating only single men, they limit their gene pool. They believe, by a certain age, a single guy is single for a reason- nobody wants him, and they’re not gonna settle for a guy like that. Doesn’t matter if that’s true or not, what they think. In their world, it is YOUR job to keep him, and if you can’t, not their fault. And that is what you’re dealing with. IMHO these girls work for the devil in his quest for souls.

I warned the young married guys (and even the single) about these girls. “You have a well paying, steady job, with excellent benefits. Unlike most employers the city will take child support right out of YOUR check, and send it to the mother, you won’t ever see it, all those girls know that, don’t fall for their lies.”

Never take anything for granted. Just my :twocents:

 

[rinnie]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am lucky it has never happened to me, so i cant pretend to know how you feel. But it did happen to my Sister once. I will give you the same advice I gave her. You have to be willing to forgive him, if you cant it wont work. Then do what you are doing. Father helped them so so much. I will pray for you and dont give up. Remember through God all things are possible.