Infidelity

[designmom]

Hi! I am Designmom, a mother of 2 boys 13 and 10. I have been married to my husband for 21 years, but our marriage is in trouble. I have not been in love with him for 15 years. I met someone else 6 years ago who I am in love with. HELP!!! I cannot stay in a platonic relationship just for my boys, and a counselor did not work. i am not sure if you can fall back in love with someone you are not even physically attracted to anymore. Being Catholic, I feel VERY guilty about the whole situation. Has anyone been where I am? Any Advice? PLEASE, I need help!!!

 

[designmom]

Hi! I am Designmom, a mother of 2 boys 13 and 10. I have been married to my husband for 21 years, but our marriage is in trouble. I have not been in love with him for 15 years. I met someone else 6 years ago who I am in love with. HELP!!! I cannot stay in a platonic relationship just for my boys, and a counselor did not work. i am not sure if you can fall back in love with someone you are not even physically attracted to anymore. Being Catholic, I feel VERY guilty about the whole situation. Has anyone been where I am? Any Advice? PLEASE, I need help!!!

 

[kage_ar]

Welcome to the boards.

The guilt you are feeling is the Holy Spirit tugging at your conceince, letting you know the need to get to Confession and back into fellowship with God.

The first step is into the Confessional. It will not be easy, but, it will give you the strength of the Sacrament to fight for your marriage.

Second, cut all ties with the “other man” delete his number, change your email address and phone number. Do not call him, do not meet him, do not contact him in any way. Do you really WANT to hang out with a guy who does not have any respect for marriage? Would you be crazy enough to want to marry a man like that? Remember, if he did it with you, he will do it to you.

What you feel for this man is not love, it is lust fanned by a sense of “danger”, forbidden fruit.

Remember, love is a choice we make every day, every HOUR. Marriage is not just a romantic living arrangement. Marriage (if you are both baptized) is a Sacrament.

Were you married in the Church? If so, you have a valid and Sacramental marriage. That is something that will help you and your husband get to heaven!

I would suggest you contact

www.retrouvaille.org
www.exceptionalmarriages.com
www.foryourmarriage.org

With God’s help, you can break from this illicit relationship and find God’s peace in your marriage.

Prayers!!!

 

[Harmony1988]

It’s great to have given thought to this, many just ignore everything and do what they ‘feel’. I can’t give much advice because I’m not one in that position to, however keep in mind, true love doesn’t necessarily equate to feelings. And that eventually feelings for this other man you are seeing will eventually dip one day, and then where will you be?

There will be plenty to help you in regards to this issue. Keep faith and hope.

I will pray that you do the right thing. In the meanwhile, pray to St. Jude this prayer fervently and regularly:

PRAYER FOR HEALING OF RELATIONSHIPS
“Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking – those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together.”

PRAYER FOR HEALING OF MARRIAGE

“St. Jude, during your life you encouraged early Christian followers to remain loyal and true to their faith, even during the harshest circumstances. Like these followers, my spouse and I now find ourselves in need of renewed faith. Time and the pressures of the world have weakened our relationship. Please intercede for us and show us the way to heal our marriage. Open our hearts and minds to rededicate a new relationship guided by the love and commitment we once knew. Help us put aside any negative remnants of past deeds done and embark on a new union, in accordance with our Lord’s principles.”

 

[Robbinson]

Hi! I am Designmom, a mother of 2 boys 13 and 10. I have been married to my husband for 21 years, but our marriage is in trouble. I have not been in love with him for 15 years. I met someone else 6 years ago who I am in love with. HELP!!! I cannot stay in a platonic relationship just for my boys, and a counselor did not work. i am not sure if you can fall back in love with someone you are not even physically attracted to anymore. Being Catholic, I feel VERY guilty about the whole situation. Has anyone been where I am? Any Advice? PLEASE, I need help!!!

Hi Designmom:

I can only imagine the struggle you are going through and it must be agonizing on many levels. I don’t mean to minimize the predicament you find yourself in and don’t intend to preach - but from a Catholic/Christian perspective, I think the answer is clear.

I think you should discuss this with your priest for more personal guidance and on something this important, resist the temptation to rely on reponses here to validate what you might want, in your heart, to do.

I believe you have an obligation to try to work things out with your husband and if irreconcilable, there might be a separation. But God has told us his desire for us to remain true to our spouses, to become one flesh, and not to commit adultery. I don’t see how you can leave your husband and engage in a physical relationship with another man. That would be adultery in God’s eyes as described in scripture and, I believe, in the teaching of the Church. I think you know this in your heart, and thus the guilt you are feeling. This guilt is normal and shows you that the Holy Spirit is in you and you are of Christ.

We all fall into temptation and sin - that is our nature, but God calls us to repent and turn from our sin when we fall. If you are asking whether leaving your husband to marry another man for these reasons (or remaining married but engaging in a sexual relationship with another man) is “ok” from a Catholic/Chrisitan perspective, the answer has to be no.

I’m praying for you and your family.

Blessings,

Brian

 

[designmom]

Brian-
Thank you for you encouraging words and insight! It gives me alot to think about…
Kim

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi! I am Designmom, a mother of 2 boys 13 and 10. I have been married to my husband for 21 years, but our marriage is in trouble. I have not been in love with him for 15 years. I met someone else 6 years ago who I am in love with. HELP!!! I cannot stay in a platonic relationship just for my boys, and a counselor did not work. i am not sure if you can fall back in love with someone you are not even physically attracted to anymore. Being Catholic, I feel VERY guilty about the whole situation. Has anyone been where I am? Any Advice? PLEASE, I need help!!!

Hi designmom;

I’m sorry your marriage is in trouble, as you say. I will keep you in my prayers. Did you feel this way prior to meeting the other person? I ask, because sometimes, the hum drum of marriage (it has its highs and lows) can cause us to turn our head…looking for greener grass, so to speak. Here’s something I would encourage you to really REALLY think about…what kind of man (I assume he knows you’re married) seduces a married woman? By seduce, I don’t mean sexually, necessarily–but gets her to fall in love with him? Is that the kind of man that has the values you want? I don’t think people think all things through, in these situations–feelings, and passion tend to push these situations forward…but, really…ask yourself…why am I attracted to a man, who doesn’t seem to care that I’m married?

Married people are off limits. The fact that this man continues to pursue you, (I know it’s a two way street) knowing you’re married…is a very bad sign, to me. The devil will always try to wiggle his way through the tiniest openings…and he found one, perhaps on a day when you weren’t altogether attracted to your husband…or on a week when things were stressful…

And voila…the perfect man appears to make everything all right. I have witnessed this so much in family member’s marriages…they are bored…they are fighting with their spouse…and the knight on a white horse…rides up, and suddenly the grass is greener, elsewhere.

The truth is…any **man (or woman) who would go after a married person…is not someone to ever consider leaving your spouse over. **I am against divorce in general–but sometimes, there are exteme situations that warrant it. But, the man who is interested in you–has no respect for marriage…if he did–he’d leave you alone. Attraction is not love. And a person who attempts to dismantle a marriage to get what he wants, is not a loving person…(It’s true)

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but truly…I would hate to see anyone make the mistake that I saw my sister and other family members make.

Simply put–God would never lead you out of your marriage…to a man who doesn’t respect the fact that you’re married. God doesn’t make mistakes. He doesn’t ever suggest for us to sin, to have a ‘better life.’ Please…pray the Rosary…end the relationship with the other man…and try to fix your marriage–if possible.

I will be praying for you!!! :console:

 

[KCT]

You’re married. Ditch the other guy and be faithful to your vows. Love is a commitment, not an emotion.

 

[Biggie]

Let me just ask you to consider a few things please.

Are you sure the relationship is love and not lust? Seems a bit obvious, I know, but desire can be such that we may begin to see problems with a spouse as irreconcilable where they may not be.

Since I am a good person, the desire must be more than lust and so it must be love, and if it is love there must be a reason in my marriage that explains it. So I keep a scorecard of all that is wrong with my spouse and I update it regularly to make sure it is fresh and provides all the reasons why my actions or anticipated actions are correct and good. Every fight provides evidence, and guess what we fight more and more. Now a fight is not just a fight, it’s proof my marriage was a mistake.

I have found that it is as unrealistic to expect my spouse to make me happy as it is to expect a new car to make me happy. Happiness is in my relationship with God from whom all else flows.

I have found that a sacramental marriage has within it a permanence and a strength that comes from the sacrament. I have checked the New Testament for a loophole and found it written there many times in Our Lord’s own words that marriage is to be permanent. And I have thought it through and concluded that God approved my marriage to my spouse for a reason he knows is good.

Good relationships flow from God as the spokes of a wheel flow from a hub, and when I am centered on God all works together for good. But if I cannot expose my activities to the light of day, I cannot talk openly to others about them and I cannot expose them to God, how can they be correct?

I have found that raising my children, rather than breaking their hearts and seeing someone else raise them and see them lose faith in me is a suitable reason for self sacrifice. And I set out to sacrifice myself, tear up the scorecard, quit expecting my spouse to make me happy and accept my marriage humbly on whatever terms I can strike - and, although I expected unhappiness, I find real happiness, peace and a really good person I married long ago.

Sorry but I would not be making good use of my own mistakes if I didn’t run you through this drill.

 

[mary_bobo]

To the OP, you have gotten some good advice here. I pray you have the strength to take from it what you can. One thing no one has mentioned, how will you explain this to your two boys? How can you hope to make strong young men who will grow to have families of their own and be faithful to their own wives if they do not have a good example? I will pray for you.

 

[StCsDavid]

There is a wonderful program called Retrouvaille that has helped many marriages. Please check out their website here.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Designmom–I replied in your thread, also with same title…in family section. Hope that it’s helpful, somewhat.

And I agree…Retrouvaille is a life saver for many marriages…my parish highlighted this in this weekend’s bulletin…and it won an award…The Smart Marriage Award, I believe? I don’t have the bulletin in front of me, but it’s obviously received that for a reason…it’s very good, from what I have heard from people on here, and others who have been to it.

Please consider everything before giving up on your marriage. God bless.

 

[rwoehmke]

Think about this for a bit. These days love is thought to be all warm feelings and physical attraction. That is very untrue. Love is a willingness to do what is good for the other. Like Jesus died for us out of love, not from all sorts of warm feelings. To love is to die to self for the good of another, not selfish moves to make ones-self feel good.

As someone married for almost fifty years, I can say that married couples fall out of “LOVE” periodically and often feel it will never come back. Hanging in there and working at the relationship does bring it back sooner or later. Give up in the down period and you lose it all, self respect, faithfulness, maybe even your immortal soul. Sure if he is a nasty wife beater and abuser, divorce might become necessary, but not just to chase off to satisfy your libido. People have given you some excellent advice. Follow it.

 

[whatevergirl]

Think about this for a bit. These days love is thought to be all warm feelings and physical attraction. That is very untrue. Love is a willingness to do what is good for the other. Like Jesus died for us out of love, not from all sorts of warm feelings. To love is to die to self for the good of another, not selfish moves to make ones-self feel good.

As someone married for almost fifty years, I can say that married couples fall out of “LOVE” periodically and often feel it will never come back. Hanging in there and working at the relationship does bring it back sooner or later. Give up in the down period and you lose it all, self respect, faithfulness, maybe even your immortal soul. Sure if he is a nasty wife beater and abuser, divorce might become necessary, but not just to chase off to satisfy your libido. People have given you some excellent advice. Follow it.

God bless you on your marriage–wow, nearly 50 years…That’s terrific!!

 

[Trishie]

I know it’s very painful…and I’m sorry you’re suffering.

It happens, to more people than you might imagine. How many of us carry the memory of someone.

Your spouse can be a bit like an old shoe, and maybe rubs your toes. I wonder how many married people become attracted to another person. It’s not so strange so unusual.

“In love with” the movies, books magazines, poems speak of it. The bible never does, Jesus never does, He only speaks of love that is faithful, kind, generous, and the thing is Jesus never said it felt good. Sometimes it can, but the good feelings can turn to ash and there may perhaps be no tenderness no little surprises, and even boredom…which doesn’t take away the responsibility to love in the biblical and true sense of loving.

I know what you speak of because I’m warm and kind to my man even when I don’t necessarily have the feelings, they can be emotionally bruised out of you over the years. I do my best. And yes, I’ve been attracted, had someone come to mind too often, known I’d have liked to have been with someone so vital and positive. But it is attraction. And the right thing, the gospel thing is to walk on, not looking back. I know it’s hard because there are chemicals and dreams and lost hopes for happiness reviving…truth is, the new shoe often gets to be an old worn one too, in time.

If this man knows that you are attracted to him and he’s attracted to you, that does make it harder to look the other way, to not engage, to move away from the situation, because two of you inhabit the same bright, promising dream.

The likelihood of you ‘falling in love with’ your husband is probably very low. But “where there is no love, put love, and there will be love”, not in the sense of a thrilled heartbeat, but in the gospel, the God kind of love. Little thoughful acts, more positive attitude, starting with you. Marriage is a Sacrament ‘for better, for worse’ except under some circumstances as some of our members painfully know.

But maybe there’s more wrong with your marriage than just ennuie, and attraction to another. And maybe a lot of effort is required and as Whatevergirl suggests, Retrouvaille.
It’s not that I don’t understand, I do, but you have a Sacramental marriage, and there’s the the words of Jesus behind it.

You don’t want to hear what I’ve said, and may be cross with me, but it’s something to consider, anyway.

I do wish you happiness and peace and whatever Gods wishes for you and your family, may His wishes be fulfilled. A hug anyway, Trishie

 

[designmom]

You are right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to. More people than not take your perspective. I don’t understand why a marriage can’t have love and keep the excitement. It has been so long for me, it is hard to believe it could still be there. Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?

Thanks for the hug! That means more than anything…
Designmom

 

[udoc89]

You are right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to. More people than not take your perspective. I don’t understand why a marriage can’t have love and keep the excitement. It has been so long for me, it is hard to believe it could still be there. Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?

Thanks for the hug! That means more than anything…
Designmom

“Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?” In a perfect world, perhaps. In the movies, yes. The problem is that we have been conditioned by the world and our culture to believe that once we are married, we should live happily ever after…and if we don’t achieve this, something is wrong. We deserve a divorce. I remember in the seventies when people started writing their own wedding vows. “So long as we both shall live” was changed to “so long as we both shall love.” This is a significant alteration to the Catholic view of sacramental marriage, and is certainly no improvement.

Let me suggest something to you, which may sound silly and irrelevent to your predicament. Suppose you had married the man of your dreams and had been blissfully happy, sexually satiated, etc…for 20+ years. One day your splendid husband has an automobile accident and is rendered a permanent paraplegic in the blink of an eye. You suddenly have a husband who cannot feed himself or get up to go to the bathroom, let alone make love to you. The romance is dead. For the rest of his life, this will not change. Do you have the right to divorce him?

I’m not trying to be unkind, but think carefully about your future. You are in my prayers, Dear, and I offer you a hug as well.

 

[mary_bobo]

You are right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to. More people than not take your perspective. I don’t understand why a marriage can’t have love and keep the excitement. It has been so long for me, it is hard to believe it could still be there. Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?

Thanks for the hug! That means more than anything…
Designmom

You can keep love but you have to work at it. If the leave your husband and go to the other guy, the excitement will wear off of that too. Then what will you have? I know it must be heartbreaking to be in this situation, but you know what is the right thing to do. I, too, have been married almost fifty years and it has not all been wine and roses. But I would never have the same experiences of raising children with another man. And if you think things are bad now, try and juggle children and a new man. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but please think before you do something I bet you will come to regret. Ask God for help. He is always there.

 

[KCT]

You are right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to. More people than not take your perspective. I don’t understand why a marriage can’t have love and keep the excitement. It has been so long for me, it is hard to believe it could still be there. Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?

It’s nice, but God won’t judge us on desires or feelings. He’ll judge us on fidelity.

 

[GFarmer]

I don’t understand why a marriage can’t have love and keep the excitement. It has been so long for me, it is hard to believe it could still be there. Shouldn’t a marriage have desire as well?

We are approaching our 24 anniversary. As marriages goes we have had our ups & downs…no real serious downs just the stress and of kids a farm and my stressful job! Most people we know would say that both my wife & I work 7 days a week and on top of that are willing to take on any other community service work as needed. They are probably right!

Love, desire and excitement are the responsibility of the partners!

Neither of us has strayed from our vows so I cannot be much help on that front, but we have learned to keep our marriage strong that we need time together. Some time that time is working together on our farm, other times its a movie, pizza & a beer, and other times its a romantic weekend away.

Between years 10 & 18 our marriage was in trouble. We fought alot, the kids had successfully divided and conquered and we both had a lot on our plate, her with our farm and me with my job. I liked to hang out with my work cronies after work at the bar & normally lost track of time. When I got home I normally thought I was smarter then I was (beer talking) and that didn’t help matters!

By then our sex life had declined to probably 25 times a year. About 6 years ago I started the low carb diet and lost a lot of weight. She did the same. (I slowed my drinking down to social events only) and some of the desire returned. We probably were back to once a week making love.

I was then reading a study one morning on the internet about marriage satisfaction tied to sexual frequency. The study talked about sexless marriage (less then 30 times a year) I had been there, talked about 1 -2 times a week couples reported satisfaction, then it made a comment about those rare couples who make love daily & that they reported off the chart marital satisfaction!

At that point I thought what the heck! It now been 1,350 days (on average we both travel from time to time without the other, plus illness and other impediments) and our marriage & relationship has never been better!

I guess my point is that marriage is a commitment that you have to work at, it can be hard at times but it is worth it. Don’t throw it away for someone who doesn’t respect its sanctity. Other have given you the names of some good programs that could help also.