Infidelity

[LisaE]

Hi all

I am so confused right now…more than anything I need prayer. I found out my 16 year old daughter is sexually active. My husband has been acting suspicious with his phone and last night he received a text message (sexually explicit) and when I questioned him …he said it was from his friend at work. Well he hid his phone last night and this morning I managed to get the phone number…it is a woman that works with him. My gut feelings tell me that there is something going on, but they both have said there is nothing going on. What should I do ? How do I deal with this. We have been married 20 years! I feel so confused and alone. I would appreciate some advice !

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi all

I am so confused right now…more than anything I need prayer. I found out my 16 year old daughter is sexually active. My husband has been acting suspicious with his phone and last night he received a text message (sexually explicit) and when I questioned him …he said it was from his friend at work. Well he hid his phone last night and this morning I managed to get the phone number…it is a woman that works with him. My gut feelings tell me that there is something going on, but they both have said there is nothing going on. What should I do ? How do I deal with this. We have been married 20 years! I feel so confused and alone. I would appreciate some advice !

Hi Lisa–I’m sorry! First, I’d simply question him about it, alone…when your daughter is not around. I would explain what you found, and that you would like an explanation. And don’t stop there. I would suggest counseling, because hiding one’s phone, after getting a suspicious text message–well, is reason to be suspicious. Now, hopefully, nothing is going on…but, at the very least, it sounds like he is having perhaps an emotional affair. I would just try talking it out, and see where it leads. But, he might be quick to shrug it off…but don’t bury this. Because often what happens, is things just escalate. If your husband is thinking about an affair or is having one…it needs to stop–if your marriage is to stay on track.

About your daughter…prayers going out to you. How did you discover that, may I ask?

 

[LB5]

I suggest counseling too, and that you implore your husband to be truthful with you. Although I’m young and not quite yet married, I was once in a long relationship and all along the way I kept seeing little signs that my boyfriend was unfaithful but I just buried my head in the sand and pretended it wasn’t happening. Trust your gut. It sounds so cliched but I have found it to be true. Who knows what your husband is up to, but I would be very upset if I discovered that. At any rate it is not the type of exchange a married man should be having with someone else.

As for your daughter, I’d suggest sitting down and talking to her, and maybe getting her involved in other activities that are good for her, like if your church has a youth group or something. I participated in my church’s youth group until I went to college and I really enjoyed it, made some good friends, and stayed out of trouble.

Trust that whatever is happening in your life right now, God will help you through it!

 

[Trishie]

Lisa I feel sad for you.
The other girls have given you good advice.
I’ll keep you, your husband. and your daughter in my prayers and Masses.
A big hug,
Trishie

 

[iamrefreshed]

Hi all

I am so confused right now…more than anything I need prayer. I found out my 16 year old daughter is sexually active. My husband has been acting suspicious with his phone and last night he received a text message (sexually explicit) and when I questioned him …he said it was from his friend at work. Well he hid his phone last night and this morning I managed to get the phone number…it is a woman that works with him. My gut feelings tell me that there is something going on, but they both have said there is nothing going on. What should I do ? How do I deal with this. We have been married 20 years! I feel so confused and alone. I would appreciate some advice !

Lisa, go with your gut. Where’s there’s smoke, there’s fire. Get a keylogger on your computer. Eblaster is a good one. This is coming from someone who has been in your shoes. People having affairs NEVER tell the truth.

 

[stbruno]

foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398721

familyministries.org/resources/index.asp?c_id=73&t_id=3 Also includes info on Retrouvaille…the church’s response for troubled marriages. Worth looking into.

Two valuable resources for you to explore to get your marriage back on track…keep praying.

Also, for your daughter…there’s a great resource right on this Catholic.com…just click on the chastity link and you will have lots of channels to explore by Jason Evert. Romance without Regret etc. And with all things, keep praying.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Ditto the chastity link on here.

As far as your DH goes, if I was to get an explicit text message from someone that was not my DH, I would NOT try to hide my phone from my DH if he became concerned. The whole brushing you off thing is a red flag. He should be upset to be receiving a text message like that from someone other than you and he should be bending over backwards letting you know that things are ok.

I think that he’s hiding something and the sooner you guys have a good conversation and get counseling, the better. Don’t let this go. :hug1:

 

[Serap]

If I thought my husband was cheating, I’d hire a private investigator. I know that sounds bad, but that’s honestly what I would do.

He will lie and cover the truth if he’s having an affair. I would want to know for sure.

As for your daughter. That’s too bad. 16 is so young. I hope she’s at least being responsible about it.

 

[jrabs]

Guess I don’t know what I would do. The heart to heart is good and necessary - though what person is going to admit they have been having an emotional or physical affair?

And if it emotional, people often rationalize that as not being an actual affair.

My prayers are with you. If you can get him to counseling, that would be great.

 

[whatevergirl]

If I thought my husband was cheating, I’d hire a private investigator. I know that sounds bad, but that’s honestly what I would do.

He will lie and cover the truth if he’s having an affair. I would want to know for sure.

As for your daughter. That’s too bad. 16 is so young. I hope she’s at least being responsible about it.

I agree. I don’t think it’s bad. It might seem over the top to have to do this, but most cheating people don’t fess up right away. So, I’d hire someone to know for sure, as painful as the truth might end up being.

This would only be if my husband was disappearing frequently, with no explanation of where he’s been…not just after a text message. It would be a last resort I’d turn to, if the text messages continued, or he kept hiding the cell phone, and more things from me. I would only resort to this as a final straw, but I would resort to it if I felt in my gut that my husband was cheating and telling me he isn’t.

 

[Paul2274]

Ditto for the advice…

Will keep your marriage and family on my list for prayers.

Stay strong in your Faith. May the Peace of Christ be with you.



Paul

 

[MCGar]

I haven’t read all the replies but I strongly recommend going to survivinginfidelity.com
it’s a secular site but their main advice falls into the actual surviving infidelity and support posters who want to reconcile with their spouses.
They can give you a slew of tips and advice on how to ‘find out’. They also can support you if you feel like you are being ‘gaslighted’ by your husband because that is basically toxic poison to a marriage.

It’s good for learning in how to deal with spouses who cross boundaries when it comes to secrecy and try to justify emotional affairs or attachments to others.

But regardless of if there is an affair going on or not (even if only emotional or the beginnings of emotional) it should never be swept under the carpet.

My own personal tips are to look for clues for yourself before you talk to your husband again. Go online and find your cell phone bill log. If there are wayyyy too many calls from this number and things just don’t add up then you need to follow that trail.

I know I’m just a younun’ compared to more experianced marrieds out there so I don’t want to sound obnoxious, but I’ve made it clear to my fiance all about what an emotional affair is and my veto power when it comes to other women as friends or co-workers. I’ve also made it very clear that I respect privacy but everything of his is to be accessable for my perusal if I so choose (cell phone records, e-mail, letters, etc.). We both agree on this and it works both ways. I know there is controversy on this board on what constitutes privacy within marriage and what is trust versus mistrust, but I think that before anyone gets married this should be a very important conversation. (NOT trying to chastise the OP, just pointing out where I stand about privacy between spouses in regards to what the OP should feel free to investigate)

 

[LisaE]

Guys all of you have been wonderful …thank you all so much for all the advice…especially the prayers! I know God is with me always and he will give me the courage to face anything.

Thank You all again !

 

[Galnextdoor]

Hi!

Is this co-worker a boss? Does she have any authority over him, i.e. is she in human resources, or a close “friend” of your husbands employer? Also, have you looked to see if he has sent her any text messages or calls her at odd times (like only on break or after you go to bed at night)?
If there is no text messages from him going out, and no e-mails or calls to her from home when you are not around, it’s possible that he may be in a situation where he is being pursued and is embarrassed about it. Some women are very aggressive in their pursuit of a man, even if they know he is married. The man on the other hand may feel like he should be able to deal with this without dragging his wife into it. If this co-worker has an “in” with the boss or has some authority over him, it could be sexual harassment.

If there have been no other red flags before this, find out everything you can about this woman and her professional relationship with your husband. Private detectives are expensive, but if you can afford one, go for it.

Shortly after my ex-husband and I were first married, he took a job delivering laundry to hotels. He kept telling me he really hated the job and needed to find another one. After I questioned him about it, his face turned red and he told me that the desk manager at one of the motels often made lewd remarks about parts of his anatomy. He said she would ask him to go up to a room with her at least once a week. She pinched him on the rear-end one day. Then he got the bright idea that maybe I could go on rounds with him on my day off. I went with him and met the woman. She was five to seven years older than he was, but still attractive in a hardened sort of way. She started in on him until he told her I was his wife. Ultimately, it didn’t do any good. He said she still continued to bother him after that. He finally told his boss and his boss switched him to another route. Don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.

Anyway make sure you know what’s really going on and if the situation warrants it, try to find a Catholic counselor.

As for your daughter, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I would try to get her to a Catholic counselor if she is rebellious and the relationship between you is strained. There used to be a good program on EWTN about young people and being chaste. I can’t remember what the name of it was, but you can probably find it by searching their website. My daughter’s high school CCD teacher uses video of that series in the CCD class when he talks about modesty and being chaste.

I know you might feel like your world is falling apart, but pray for the will of God. When you go to mass, silently offer it for both of them. Take one step at a time. Trust God and try to do his will.
I hope you can find something of use, in what I say.

 

[samovila]

Hi!
If there is no text messages from him going out, and no e-mails or calls to her from home when you are not around, it’s possible that he may be in a situation where he is being pursued and is embarrassed about it. Some women are very aggressive in their pursuit of a man, even if they know he is married. The man on the other hand may feel like he should be able to deal with this without dragging his wife into it. If this co-worker has an “in” with the boss or has some authority over him, it could be sexual harassment.

I too would like to offer some hope that this is a possibility. My husband discovered a text message on my cell phone from someone who was pursuing me. I was never unfaithful and did nothing to encourage the person to talk to me that way, but was having a hard time finding the gumption to tell the guy off. For some people, “I’m happily married, please don’t talk to me that way” just doesn’t work. My husband finding the message was exactly what I needed to tell the guy to go fly a kite. After that my husband was suspicious for a while, but with time and a lot of reassurance, he got over it.

 

[ecp007]

Can you get the cellphone bill, and see how many times the woman’s number has called your husband and vice verse in the last few months. That is the cheapest and fasted way to know the extent of what is going on.

 

[kage_ar]

There are two reasons for a spouse to keep cell phone/records hidden from the other spouse…

They are planning a big Sur-Prise birthday party.

They are hiding an affair or addiction.

 

[momentbymoment]

Hi all

I am so confused right now…more than anything I need prayer. I found out my 16 year old daughter is sexually active. My husband has been acting suspicious with his phone and last night he received a text message (sexually explicit) and when I questioned him …he said it was from his friend at work. Well he hid his phone last night and this morning I managed to get the phone number…it is a woman that works with him. My gut feelings tell me that there is something going on, but they both have said there is nothing going on. What should I do ? How do I deal with this. We have been married 20 years! I feel so confused and alone. I would appreciate some advice !

Dear LisaE,

I’m new to this site, but my grief started in the exact same way. As several have suggested, I spoke with my husband about the “phone calls”, he agreed that they were dangerous and vowed to stop them. I did indeed check out the phone bill and found anywhere from 3-5 calls a day. Still, he argued that they were harmless. . . just a friend . . .“who in my history made me this suspicious?” Then came the STD’s. My entire body shook for months. I lost 30 pounds and slept approximately 3 hours a night. My thinking was fuzzy. My job suffered. To the end of this story, we separated, he still wanted to have sex, which I thankfully declined. Then the begging started. When I asked for full disclosure there was so much more. Lunches, dinners on the nights he had to work late, hotel sex . . all this with the harmless friend. But, Lisa, the very interesting part is that he confessed that in our 25 years of marriage, he always felt that he was looking for greener grass. There were others, many others. Even sadder, I think I knew it all along, but knew I was committed to him and our marriage. Talk about feeling stupid!!

Now, the good part. Even though I am alone, I have found that I am not the stupid one, because I don’t have to spend the rest of my life knowing that I have no honor, no integrity. These are important things that help us to think that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot at heaven. He will continue to to look for greener grass and some poor, trusting soul will pay the price for his lack of honor and integrity, but it won’t be me.

Save yourself, my dear. Get out. Find yourself again. Show your daughter that you have some self-respect, along with honor and integrity. There may be a priest or counselor who will tell you that forgiveness is the answer, and it probably is . . . but setting yourself up for another hurt, another woman, more lies and deceit, is NOT the answer. . . and that is what lies ahead if you don’t get away from him. Focus on your daughter and yourself. Pray, meditate, ask God for direction. He will give it to you, but you won’t hear it unless you open your heart. Right now, your heart is cluttered with chatter from a liar and a cheat, cobwebs, if you will. Ask God to sweep them away so that you may live again. It will not be an easy road, but a healthier, cleaner road.

You and your family (including your husband) are in my prayers.

 

[faithandhope]

Hi, I’m so sorry to tell you that there’s definitely something going on. I recently found out that my husband of 20 years was having an affair. His affair lasted 6 months. He confessed it to me and we are in the middle of fixing our relationship. Go with your gut feelings. For several months I saw a change in my husband and kept questioning him, Now I’m so sorry I didn’t investigate it sooner myself, the clues were there and I ignored it. Now he is so sorry for everthing he has put me through. Please don’t sleep on it. The sooner you find out the better it will be. Communicate alot, even he doesn’t. Talk, Talk, Talk.
May prayers will be with you and your family.

 

[faithandhope]

Dear LisaE,

I’m new to this site, but my grief started in the exact same way. As several have suggested, I spoke with my husband about the “phone calls”, he agreed that they were dangerous and vowed to stop them. I did indeed check out the phone bill and found anywhere from 3-5 calls a day. Still, he argued that they were harmless. . . just a friend . . .“who in my history made me this suspicious?” Then came the STD’s. My entire body shook for months. I lost 30 pounds and slept approximately 3 hours a night. My thinking was fuzzy. My job suffered. To the end of this story, we separated, he still wanted to have sex, which I thankfully declined. Then the begging started. When I asked for full disclosure there was so much more. Lunches, dinners on the nights he had to work late, hotel sex . . all this with the harmless friend. But, Lisa, the very interesting part is that he confessed that in our 25 years of marriage, he always felt that he was looking for greener grass. There were others, many others. Even sadder, I think I knew it all along, but knew I was committed to him and our marriage. Talk about feeling stupid!!

Now, the good part. Even though I am alone, I have found that I am not the stupid one, because I don’t have to spend the rest of my life knowing that I have no honor, no integrity. These are important things that help us to think that maybe, just maybe, we have a shot at heaven. He will continue to to look for greener grass and some poor, trusting soul will pay the price for his lack of honor and integrity, but it won’t be me.

Save yourself, my dear. Get out. Find yourself again. Show your daughter that you have some self-respect, along with honor and integrity. There may be a priest or counselor who will tell you that forgiveness is the answer, and it probably is . . . but setting yourself up for another hurt, another woman, more lies and deceit, is NOT the answer. . . and that is what lies ahead if you don’t get away from him. Focus on your daughter and yourself. Pray, meditate, ask God for direction. He will give it to you, but you won’t hear it unless you open your heart. Right now, your heart is cluttered with chatter from a liar and a cheat, cobwebs, if you will. Ask God to sweep them away so that you may live again. It will not be an easy road, but a healthier, cleaner road.

You and your family (including your husband) are in my prayers.

Hi Im so sorry this happened to you. Well if he’s a one time cheater, maybe he deserves a chance.