J
Jay2789
Guest
Hello everyone. I am new here, but I am not new to faith. I was born into a faithless house and I decided as a teenager to get into it myself when things got really hard to bare in my life and family. I was a christian but I wanted to become a catholic, but didn’t because I was working in my church as a youth minister. About six years ago I was morally and personally offended by the church and at God, and since then, I feel I have been being tormented constantly.
I’m a normally good, pious, and generous person. I know I am because I always feel guilty when I do wrong or even think about hurting others. However, I really don’t trust anyone, and people are constantly trying my trust left and right. I am admittedly misanthropic and I dislike even my own humanity and wish there was some alternative to being in this body, on this earth, among people who I feel are inherently corrupt and demand emotional support without being able or willing to give it themselves.
I am a logical guy, but I have found that some things in life simply cannot be solved being a human. While some of the things I feel about being harshly wronged in the past are understandable, I admit to feeling significantly more wrathful and spiteful about them than is truly reasonable. I do not feel that most of the chaos in my mind has been “me”, since nothing I have tried has remedied even most of it. Years of being on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics did nothing but give me side effects, and I find myself never agreeing with counselors. One thing that alarms me is that stereotypical God-natured terms like “forgiveness”, “faith”, and “grace” often irk me because I believe they are rarely prevalent with people, and in cases where they are applied to prideful or hypocritical people, I become infuriated.
The thing is that every time I really did something hurtful or wrong, or when I got angry in the presence of godly concepts, I remember very little of the incident or what triggered it. Mom often asked why I did the things I did but I could never even think of an honest reason. I always rejected the idea of demonic posession and even influence, but at this point, I feel I am constantly playing tug-of-war with myself. Every time I have furious or dark thoughts, my “good” part shines through and, and vise versa.
To be honest, I never wanted to post in a place like this about this concern, but almost every logical or realistic remedy to my issues has done about nothing for me. I am writing this in a better spirit than earlier, but who knows when the dark part of me will re-surface. I have always been a spiritually sensitive person, even if I did willingly reject God after believing in him for years. I honestly don’t know what to do, and I would rather have a catholic’s (name removed by moderator)ut on this than a christian’s…
I hope I did not come off as being crazy or loopy. I simply am tired of not knowing who/what I am, not knowing what I want in life, constantly fighting myself, and being plagued my hideous and uncomfortable thoughts day in and day out. If there is something in me, I am tired of fighting with it. I appreciate any help I can get…thank you.
I’m a normally good, pious, and generous person. I know I am because I always feel guilty when I do wrong or even think about hurting others. However, I really don’t trust anyone, and people are constantly trying my trust left and right. I am admittedly misanthropic and I dislike even my own humanity and wish there was some alternative to being in this body, on this earth, among people who I feel are inherently corrupt and demand emotional support without being able or willing to give it themselves.
I am a logical guy, but I have found that some things in life simply cannot be solved being a human. While some of the things I feel about being harshly wronged in the past are understandable, I admit to feeling significantly more wrathful and spiteful about them than is truly reasonable. I do not feel that most of the chaos in my mind has been “me”, since nothing I have tried has remedied even most of it. Years of being on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics did nothing but give me side effects, and I find myself never agreeing with counselors. One thing that alarms me is that stereotypical God-natured terms like “forgiveness”, “faith”, and “grace” often irk me because I believe they are rarely prevalent with people, and in cases where they are applied to prideful or hypocritical people, I become infuriated.
The thing is that every time I really did something hurtful or wrong, or when I got angry in the presence of godly concepts, I remember very little of the incident or what triggered it. Mom often asked why I did the things I did but I could never even think of an honest reason. I always rejected the idea of demonic posession and even influence, but at this point, I feel I am constantly playing tug-of-war with myself. Every time I have furious or dark thoughts, my “good” part shines through and, and vise versa.
To be honest, I never wanted to post in a place like this about this concern, but almost every logical or realistic remedy to my issues has done about nothing for me. I am writing this in a better spirit than earlier, but who knows when the dark part of me will re-surface. I have always been a spiritually sensitive person, even if I did willingly reject God after believing in him for years. I honestly don’t know what to do, and I would rather have a catholic’s (name removed by moderator)ut on this than a christian’s…
I hope I did not come off as being crazy or loopy. I simply am tired of not knowing who/what I am, not knowing what I want in life, constantly fighting myself, and being plagued my hideous and uncomfortable thoughts day in and day out. If there is something in me, I am tired of fighting with it. I appreciate any help I can get…thank you.