Inlaws

[baby_blue_bird]

PLease could someone advise as to want to do.
my son has given up a good job to go live in another country with his girlfriend and family (separate bedrooms)
Now has a poorly paid job.
they are due to get married in April, but his father in law to be. does not work, since my son moved in( Paying rent ) they have had to move house because father in law is not working and not paying bills…
my son and his girlfriend have been renting out the new property, now struggling to pay for the wedding because of father in law cant provide for his own family.
my future daughter in law wants my son to carrying on living there with her parents, with my son and her paying the rent for the next six years! until the little sister is of school leaving age…
I think this is too much for my son to take on so early on in their marriage.
its one thing to take on a new wife, but to take on her filmily too!
i admire the girlfriend for standing by her family but surly she can’t expect my son to pay for her mother father and the sisters.

what would you advise?

 

[1ke]

what would you advise?

My advice is that this is between your son and his soon-to-be wife. This is a decision they will be making as a family unit. So, you don’t have a role in it.

If he asks you for advice, then feel free to tell him that you think that is a lot to take on an newlyweds and that he should perhaps take things in smaller increments such as helping for 6 months.

Sounds like his wife-to-be has some ideas about how their family life will go. If he shares her vision, not a problem. If he has other ideas, perhaps something to clear up BEFORE the wedding. Lots of red flags here such as moving in with her family, being in a foreign country, etc.

 

[tawny]

My advice is that this is between your son and his soon-to-be wife. This is a decision they will be making as a family unit. So, you don’t have a role in it.

If he asks you for advice, then feel free to tell him that you think that is a lot to take on an newlyweds and that he should perhaps take things in smaller increments such as helping for 6 months.

Sounds like his wife-to-be has some ideas about how their family life will go. If he shares her vision, not a problem. If he has other ideas, perhaps something to clear up BEFORE the wedding. Lots of red flags here such as moving in with her family, being in a foreign country, etc.

 

[crystal_waters]

You are right to be concerned…if i was in yojr position id be concerned too…it sounds like they are using him for his money…if hes marrying the lady he shouldnt have to financially support her whole family too…he should be very careful as once he is married half of all he owns is hers and if shes using him as a way to support her family then its going to cost your son financially and emotionally.

Another thing that may be going on is that in certain cultures when you marry the spouse you also marry the family e.g in africa and asia you can have large extended familys all living together…what country is your son moved to?..i only ask as it may shine a light as to whether their behaviour is just cultural rather than being gold diggers

 

[Xantippe]

One piece of advice I’ve heard is that it’s a really good idea for newlyweds to live separately from parents. It’s really hard to have a good, honest, air-clearing disagreement with your new wife or husband when their parents are within earshot.

 

[Bklynguy]

PLease could someone advise as to want to do.
my son has given up a good job to go live in another country with his girlfriend and family (separate bedrooms)
Now has a poorly paid job.
they are due to get married in April, but his father in law to be. does not work, since my son moved in( Paying rent ) they have had to move house because father in law is not working and not paying bills…
my son and his girlfriend have been renting out the new property, now struggling to pay for the wedding because of father in law cant provide for his own family.
my future daughter in law wants my son to carrying on living there with her parents, with my son and her paying the rent for the next six years! until the little sister is of school leaving age…
I think this is too much for my son to take on so early on in their marriage.
its one thing to take on a new wife, but to take on her filmily too!
i admire the girlfriend for standing by her family but surly she can’t expect my son to pay for her mother father and the sisters.

what would you advise?

Yes, it IS, I believe, expecting too much of your son for them to think he should take care of her parents. Unfortunately, it is between him and his future wife.

 

[baby_blue_bird]

One piece of advice I’ve heard is that it’s a really good idea for newlyweds to live separately from parents. It’s really hard to have a good, honest, air-clearing disagreement with your new wife or husband when their parents are within earshot.

my thoughts exactly! this is what we have been trying to tell our son.

 

[baby_blue_bird]

Yes, it IS, I believe, expecting too much of your son for them to think he should take care of her parents. Unfortunately, it is between him and his future wife.

yes it is between my son and his wife, but who will our son come running to when HE is in financial trouble? us! We don’t need this, we have worked hard all our lives, our kids have all left home, its time for us to try and enjoy our grandchildren, not have to carry on working for the rest of our lives for other people!

 

[Xantippe]

Baby Blue Bird said:

“yes it is between my son and his wife, but who will our son come running to when HE is in financial trouble? us! We don’t need this, we have worked hard all our lives, our kids have all left home, its time for us to try and enjoy our grandchildren, not have to carry on working for the rest of our lives for other people!”

Maybe you should ask your son (maybe via email), “Son, we’re really impressed with how much responsibility you are willing to take on at such an early age. What is your long-term plan for carrying the financial responsibilities you are taking on? How are you going to carry this household on your earnings, and what happens once you start having kids and your expenses suddenly get bigger while you and your future wife’s income shrinks? It would be sad if you and Suzie weren’t able to afford the family of the size you wanted because you were supporting other people.”

Words to avoid: freeloader, parasite, mooch, sponge, bum, deadbeat, etc.

Maybe send your son a personal finance book and give them a subscription to an online personal finance course if he shows any interest at all? The book is so cheap that I wouldn’t hesitate to send it even if he didn’t have any interest, but I wouldn’t pay for an online course unless there was genuine interest, as they are considerably more expensive. (There are many options, but for the book I would recommend Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover because it’s step-by-step advice. His Financial Peace University course is good in person. I’m not sure if the online version is as good.)

Best wishes!

 

[Bklynguy]

yes it is between my son and his wife, but who will our son come running to when HE is in financial trouble? us! We don’t need this, we have worked hard all our lives, our kids have all left home, its time for us to try and enjoy our grandchildren, not have to carry on working for the rest of our lives for other people!

Ask him how he expects to take care of himself, his wife, and any future children, not to mention prepare for his own retirement, if he is taking care of his wife’s parents and siblings?

It actually sounds like his future wife is a gold digger, but that is making a huge assumption when I don’t know that facts. That’s what it looks and sounds like, though.