Insecure about looks in a relationship

[TheRealJuliane]

There are plenty of very average people, (*less *than a 6!) who support themselves, are good neighbors, who get married, raise a family, are plugged into their church. They have found joy in loving others. Mother Theresa wouldn’t be a “10”, but what a heart in that woman! Her lips praised and thanked God, and her hands and her prayers were for the service of others.

I don’t think anyone has said this yet but when did you have a good confession? When have you spent time with the Blessed Sacrament? Please don’t “feed” this obsession any longer or give in to it. It’s so destructive to the awesome person God wishes you to grow into.

Blessings to you.

:clapping::yup::clapping:

Agree. Daily Mass, frequent confession, and Adoration are my versions of therapy! Take the Eucharist as often as possible. Present yourself in front of the Body of Christ and let Him heal you! Examine your conscience with a sincere heart and receive absolution! What a blessing.

 

[PennyinCanada]

On reflection, I had to ask, how much time do you spend with the scriptures per day? Do you make even 10 min per day to read a few lines and sit with them, absorb them into your heart? I hope you can. God will bless you if make some time for him and be quiet in his presence.

Only God can give you peace beyond all understanding. It’s yours and mine for the asking!

 

[hellosunshine]

I am trying to pray, but I don’t feel like God is answering my prayers. I feel as insecure as ever, and I keep getting anxiety attacks to the point where they ruin my whole day.

I also feel like I’m torturing my boyfriend about this. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. I don’t even know if these feelings are my own or just part of my OCD. I’m so lost and confused.

Should I break up with him? I’ve tried before, but I’ve always called back to apologize. But lately my attacks have been getting worse, and I don’t feel healthy - mentally or physically - anymore. I’m not okay.

What should I do? How do I fix myself and this mess?

 

[convert999]

Hellosunshine, you have received some great advice here. I will be praying for your OCD problem. You are so special to God. Always remember that.

 

[Vatican2Rocks]

I have been with my first-ever boyfriend for a few months. Ever since we first told each other that we liked each other, I have felt insecure about my looks. I have always had really poor self esteem, but I thought being with a great guy would fix it.

However, he admitted to me (because I asked repeatedly and on many different occasions) that he wasn’t attracted to me when we first met. This turned my world upside down. He thought I was a 6 out of 10 in terms of looks! Now I know I should be content that he didn’t totally dismiss me as hideous, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t think I’m a 6. Many guys have told me they think I’m very attractive and have asked me out several times. So how do you think I feel when I find out my own boyfriend thought I was just okay and nothing special to look at? He says he thinks I’m prettier now, but I just feel like he got used to me (which hurts even more.) He claims that he didn’t get used to me, that he just thought I looked younger. But I feel that’s not true, since he got used to other girls and I haven’t changed that much (in a year) in terms of looks or age.

Actually, when we first met I did flirt with him a little because I thought he could be attracted to me. So now I even feel like I might have possibly “chased” him, since he sort of knew that I liked him for the past year. This makes me feel even worse. What if he just got used to me because he knew I was available and liked him and it was easy to get in a relationship like that? And every time I cry to him about how bad I feel that he didn’t think I was pretty, he just apologizes (which makes me feel terrible because I know it’s genuine and he’s not trying to hurt me.)

I have felt so insecure that I have tried to wear revealing clothes when I’m with him to catch his attention (and to catch other guys’ attention so that my boyfriend sees that I am attractive to other people.) He hates that, since he prefers modesty. But I don’t know what to do to make myself beautiful. I cry all the time and just want to feel better. I have considered dumping him various times for this reason alone. My thoughts were “well, if he doesn’t find me pretty it should be easy to find someone who does think I am.” But I know I don’t want to leave him because I love him and I know he loves me.

I’m going to see a therapist sometime this week to help me sort through this issue. I really don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what else to do.

So my question(s) is/are: has anyone ever felt like this before? Is it worth dumping him over, if everything else is great except my self esteem? Is this situation even fixable? How can I feel better and not so worthless?

there is a discrepancy between how you see yourself and how he sees you on a sexual level and that is important enough to stop dating each other.

just a thought, he might have said he thought you were a 6, which i agree is insulting, to keep you off balance, to keep control in the relationship, to make you lose confidence so that you are insecure and less likely to stray. its a weak person who resorts to these tactics.

i would probably dump him if it were me unless he was really hot to trot.

 

[Vatican2Rocks]

So what you are saying is that he got used to me? That hurts more than anything. And yes, I don’t want to punish him. He constantly apologizes, which hurts even worse because all I want is to change the past. I know he’s being honest, but it hurts so so so much. But at the same time, I’ve been told by many guys that I’m pretty. But my boyfriend didn’t think so. And that hurts.
I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I have never felt as awful as I have in this relationship. I feel like just breaking up with him and going with another guy who appreciates my looks. I don’t know what to do. I can barely function.

i would dump him.

 

[Vatican2Rocks]

I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard for me to get over. I’m trying, but everyday is a constant struggle filled with panic attacks. I do not wish to feel this way. It just happens.

panic attacks?
we are not doctors here and that is what you need.
how do you separate and discern what is your illness from what is going on in the relationship? only a doctor can help you figure it out.

with that in mind i still say dump the guy. and get to know the crush.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Looks don’t matter. To be honest, I’m sick of the way we rank people by looks. The world would deceive us into believing that looks are important for us to be loved. They’re not. Your strength and your character get you further. Trust me, I’m no stunner and I have by my side a very handsome guy as my companion. But he’s the kind that looks at the heart

Have you ever listened to Springsteen? In his song, “Thunder Road,” he sings, “you ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’re all right!” Yet, throughout the song, he refers to his girl as a vision and makes it clear that he intends to run away with her and stay with her, if she so chooses to run with him. He also points out that he’s no hero. Despite both of their flaws, he’s committed to loving her and to staying with her. That’s what makes the song poetic. He doesn’t love her because of her looks, there’s something more to her that absolutely captures him.

Also, while hips and boobs can be a symbol of fertility…I’ve known a lot of small ladies who’ve given birth to six children or more (one of my girlfriends is one of five and her mom’s TINY). For guys, anyone seen Juno, when they were commenting on her boyfriends ahem ability to father a child? Plenty of very average people conceive healthy and beautiful babies. If we only relied on the stunners among us, we wouldn’t have a population!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Women can be obsessed with looks. I don’t think it is our fault because this is the way we are taught to see ourselves in the western society. We have to be young and beautiful in order to be loved and to have value. Horrible.

I think that you are suffering from this as well and it is good that you are going to try and sort out your issues. Also, your boyfriend could have handled this better, saying something like ‘darling, you are the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ve always thought that’. But hey, maybe he is young and has a lot to learn I don’t think this should be a dealbraker.

A relationship must be based on solid things rather than looks because looks fade and after a while they simply become unimportant. The most attractive guy in the world would loose his appeal if he turned out to be a jerk. The same for a woman.

I say you focus on what matters and put this behind you.

 

[ChiRho]

I think that you are suffering from this as well and it is good that you are going to try and sort out your issues. Also, your boyfriend could have handled this better, saying something like ‘darling, you are the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ve always thought that’. But hey, maybe he is young and has a lot to learn I don’t think this should be a dealbraker.

I completely agree that people focus too much on looks and not enough on more important things, but don’t agree that looks are completely meaningless. Wanting an attractive partner is completely legitimate. Furthermore, why should her boyfriend be put in a tough spot to say “you are the most beautiful woman in the world”? This is unnecessary ego stroking. People love to hear it, but they don’t need to hear it, and its not fair to expect someone to say something which they probably don’t believe.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Furthermore, why should her boyfriend be put in a tough spot to say “you are the most beautiful woman in the world”? This is unnecessary ego stroking. People love to hear it, but they don’t need to hear it, and its not fair to expect someone to say something which they probably don’t believe.

Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend?
Because it makes life easier. I agree that seeking conformation all the time is not healthy but it is also normal that we want a bit of it. So why not be kind to the person we love and say that they are beautiful, rather than use a scale of 1 to 10? Plus if you love a person they will be beautiful to you, regardless of the ‘objective’ criteria of judging looks.

 

[ChiRho]

Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend?

no, yes

Because it makes life easier. I agree that seeking conformation all the time is not healthy but it is also normal that we want a bit of it. So why not be kind to the person we love and say that they are beautiful, rather than use a scale of 1 to 10? Plus if you love a person they will be beautiful to you, regardless of the ‘objective’ criteria of judging looks.

I certainly agree that it is good to be nice to the people we love. My only worry is that people are so used to hearing that they are wonderful, perfect people, inside and out, that they expect this sort of praise and it loses its value (not to mention that especially with young people, there is a growing movement worried about their self-esteem, and is focused around constantly reassuring people that they are adequate and beautiful). People who are secure in themselves won’t ask “is that girl prettier than me?” to test their boyfriend/husband, just like I wouldn’t ask if I were the strongest man on earth. Why set myself up for a disappointment or a lie?

Compliments are good and appropriate, but they don’t have to only be superlative: “you look nice” doesn’t have to always be “you are the nicest looking person in the entire universe”.

People shouldn’t expect to be told they are smart or funny or beautiful, so when they are it’s a surprise and a treat, not a birthright.

 

[erine]

Forgive me if this has been said, but I wanted to chime in. A man may admire a beautiful woman, but he will always choose a lovely feminine woman over someone who is just pretty. Be feminine and admiring of him as a man, which is how it should be anyway, and you will realize that looks aren’t the main thing.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Hey, I’m not traditionally feminine and, while I admire and respect my guy, I also expect the same of him. I don’t think strength, desire for respect, a sense of adventure are all masculine qualities only. I’m sorry but there are some of us Catholic ladies who do NOT fit a cookie cutter ideal of womanhood and I don’t think that marks us as less than a woman.

OP, be yourself. Anyone who only wants a piece of you doesn’t deserve any of you.

 

[ChiRho]

I don’t think strength, desire for respect, a sense of adventure are all masculine qualities only. I’m sorry but there are some of us Catholic ladies who do NOT fit a cookie cutter ideal of womanhood and I don’t think that marks us as less than a woman.

I’m not sure if you mean physical strength or something else, but males are pretty vastly stronger than females - there isn’t much debate about this. However, I do appreciate a woman who does strength training, it’s good for the body and soul!

 

[sanctamaria17]

Obviously, I’m not talking physical strength, as in lifting. But there are other forms of athleticism where women do succeed (endurance and flexibility are two that come to mind). And I’m talking about other forms of emotional strength, though I absolutely encourage all women to be physically fit.