Insecure moment...I guess I have nothing to worry about though

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brie90

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I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.

I borrowed his laptop with permission to complete an assignment. Unfortunately I came across 5 photos of his very attractive ex girlfriend. He dated her for 10 months about 3 years ago. They slept together. He’s slept with a few other girls too.

I asked him about the photos and he said he was going through his hard drive and deleting the ones of her and missed a few. I said “Ok” and told him exactly how I felt. He reassured me I have nothing to worry about.

I’ve never slept with anyone except for him (it was very early on in our relationship and we’ve been on the right track for over a year now), and it makes me feel like I “missed out” or it isn’t fair because he has been with others. 🤷 I guess it just hurts to know he’s been with others.

In the past I’ve forgotten, but been reminded. I guess I just need to pray and forget again.
 
I’m sure a few people have been in a situation like this! Did it bother you?

Thanks 😃
 
The past is the past, if it truly is past, if you know what I mean!

Praying with someone is far more important than sleeping with them.

He may have slept with someone, as you say, but if he prays with you then that is far more intimate and special…
 
Think of it this way. Do you care for him now?

Everything that happened in his past- even the bad things and even the things you don’t like- made him into the person he is today.

Had he not had those ex-girlfriends he might not be the man you love today.

I wouldn’t take the photos too seriously. I have photos of ex-boyfriends but that doesn’t mean I have any desire to be with them. I have the photos either because I wasn’t ready to get rid of them when I last saw them or because they have other value to me. (For example, should I get rid of my prom picture just because my husband (who I hadn’t met) didn’t take me?)
 
I never thought of it that way. Thank you 🙂
triumphguy said:
The past is the past, if it truly is past, if you know what I mean!

Praying with someone is far more important than sleeping with them.

He may have slept with someone, as you say, but if he prays with you then that is far more intimate and special…
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I do care for him a lot and you’re right 🙂 Thank you.

I don’t mind if he keeps old photos but I noticed he recently looked at them as I saved my paper. I guess it doesn’t help because she’s so pretty. 🤷 I just found it a little strange but he clarified…

Over time I’ll forget about it again. 😊
StarFireKK said:
Think of it this way. Do you care for him now?

Everything that happened in his past- even the bad things and even the things you don’t like- made him into the person he is today.

Had he not had those ex-girlfriends he might not be the man you love today.

I wouldn’t take the photos too seriously. I have photos of ex-boyfriends but that doesn’t mean I have any desire to be with them. I have the photos either because I wasn’t ready to get rid of them when I last saw them or because they have other value to me. (For example, should I get rid of my prom picture just because my husband (who I hadn’t met) didn’t take me?)
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I’d suggest you not sleep with him. It’s guaranteed to cause serious problems. From the sound if this guy I would tread with caution if I were you.
 
It is difficult when a couple is asymmetrical with regard to sexual experience. The person who has experience has, in well over 95% of cases, truly moved on to the present (with no thought to the past), while the one with no experience tends to feel like there’s no way the other person can TRULY have moved on. If you have two virgins, it’s obviously not an issue; but conversely, if you have two experienced people, it’s ALSO not an issue because they both understand that when you move on, you move on completely.

Having a few pictures lying around on someone’s hard drive is not a sign that he still wants her. Now, if he were still calling her or texting her a lot, or if he’s secretive about emailing her or something like that, then I would worry. Otherwise, I think you’re fine.

So overall, I understand why you would be worried, but from what you say here I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
 
He sounds like an honest guy who cares for you. I wouldn’t read too much into it. 👍
brie90 said:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.

I borrowed his laptop with permission to complete an assignment. Unfortunately I came across 5 photos of his very attractive ex girlfriend. He dated her for 10 months about 3 years ago. They slept together. He’s slept with a few other girls too.

I asked him about the photos and he said he was going through his hard drive and deleting the ones of her and missed a few. I said “Ok” and told him exactly how I felt. He reassured me I have nothing to worry about.

I’ve never slept with anyone except for him (it was very early on in our relationship and we’ve been on the right track for over a year now), and it makes me feel like I “missed out” or it isn’t fair because he has been with others. 🤷 I guess it just hurts to know he’s been with others.

In the past I’ve forgotten, but been reminded. I guess I just need to pray and forget again.
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AthenaC said:
It is difficult when a couple is asymmetrical with regard to sexual experience. The person who has experience has, in well over 95% of cases, truly moved on to the present (with no thought to the past), while the one with no experience tends to feel like there’s no way the other person can TRULY have moved on. If you have two virgins, it’s obviously not an issue; but conversely, if you have two experienced people, it’s ALSO not an issue because they both understand that when you move on, you move on completely.

Having a few pictures lying around on someone’s hard drive is not a sign that he still wants her. Now, if he were still calling her or texting her a lot, or if he’s secretive about emailing her or something like that, then I would worry. Otherwise, I think you’re fine.

So overall, I understand why you would be worried, but from what you say here I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
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Exactly! I was going to post but then I read yours and it summed up perfectly what I would have said.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Exactly! I was going to post but then I read yours and it summed up perfectly what I would have said.
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Interesting. I’m only 18 and I hope to stay a virgin unless I’m called to marriage. How do you move on completely though? Wouldn’t kissing your current girlfriend remind you of your ex girlfriend? Surely you’d do similar things with them like hold hands, kiss a certain way, hug a certain way, etc. Also if you were to sleep with your current girlfriend, let’s say she became your wife, wouldn’t you have flash backs of sleeping with your ex(es)? I would find it very hard to date someone who has had sex with other people. Especially if they had photos lying around but what do I know :confused:
 
PoWeRaNgEr0 said:
Interesting. I’m only 18 and I hope to stay a virgin unless I’m called to marriage. How do you move on completely though? Wouldn’t kissing your current girlfriend remind you of your ex girlfriend? Surely you’d do similar things with them like hold hands, kiss a certain way, hug a certain way, etc. Also if you were to sleep with your current girlfriend, let’s say she became your wife, wouldn’t you have flash backs of sleeping with your ex(es)? I would find it very hard to date someone who has had sex with other people. Especially if they had photos lying around but what do I know :confused:
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🤷

I’ve been with other people and I’ve never had a flashback when I’m with my fiance. His kisses don’t remind me of other men. In fact, I don’t even think of my past until someone brings it up. I am so in love with my fiance and we have such a strong physical, mental, and emotional bond that nothing else matters. It isn’t about the act itself, its about the emotions and meaning behind it.
 
PoWeRaNgEr0 said:
Interesting. I’m only 18 and I hope to stay a virgin unless I’m called to marriage. How do you move on completely though? Wouldn’t kissing your current girlfriend remind you of your ex girlfriend? Surely you’d do similar things with them like hold hands, kiss a certain way, hug a certain way, etc. Also if you were to sleep with your current girlfriend, let’s say she became your wife, wouldn’t you have flash backs of sleeping with your ex(es)? I would find it very hard to date someone who has had sex with other people. Especially if they had photos lying around but what do I know :confused:
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I have never once thought of an ex while kissing a later girlfriend or, now, my wife. It just doesn’t happen.

Have you had really strong crushes on people in the past? What happened once you developed a crush on someone else; did you look back at the past crushes or only daydream about the current crush?

The past is the past. You aren’t the same person you were five years ago, and neither is your ex. I look back at the anxiety and angst I felt while dating and laugh, because I feel no attraction toward those people now. I have the person I want.
brie90 said:
{Snip}.I guess it doesn’t help because she’s so pretty. 🤷 {Snip}
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Okay, but now he’s with you. That suggests that you’re prettier. You’re certainly more attractive as far as he’s concerned.
 
I’ve never dated :o but always wondered these things. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you and your wife!
Godfollower said:
I have never once thought of an ex while kissing a later girlfriend or, now, my wife. It just doesn’t happen.

Have you had really strong crushes on people in the past? What happened once you developed a crush on someone else; did you look back at the past crushes or only daydream about the current crush?

The past is the past. You aren’t the same person you were five years ago, and neither is your ex. I look back at the anxiety and angst I felt while dating and laugh, because I feel no attraction toward those people now. I have the person I want.

Okay, but now he’s with you. That suggests that you’re prettier. You’re certainly more attractive as far as he’s concerned.
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PoWeRaNgEr0 said:
Interesting. I’m only 18 and I hope to stay a virgin unless I’m called to marriage. How do you move on completely though? Wouldn’t kissing your current girlfriend remind you of your ex girlfriend? Surely you’d do similar things with them like hold hands, kiss a certain way, hug a certain way, etc. Also if you were to sleep with your current girlfriend, let’s say she became your wife, wouldn’t you have flash backs of sleeping with your ex(es)? I would find it very hard to date someone who has had sex with other people. Especially if they had photos lying around but what do I know :confused:
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The other posters are spot-on, but I wanted to add that it’s just totally different with someone else. It’s not about the act itself (the kiss, the hug, the sex), it’s about the person you are with. You simply can’t compare a kiss / hug / sex with one person with the same act with anyone else. If you are under the impression that you will have flashbacks to activity with someone else, then you are probably unduly focused on the act itself rather than the individual you are / will be intimate with. Which is not surprising considering its natural to want what you can’t / don’t have.

But to the bolded part - of course you would, if you are a virgin. As I stated before, asymmetry in sexual experience will cause issues.
 
brie90 said:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.

I borrowed his laptop with permission to complete an assignment. Unfortunately I came across 5 photos of his very attractive ex girlfriend. He dated her for 10 months about 3 years ago. They slept together. He’s slept with a few other girls too.

I asked him about the photos and he said he was going through his hard drive and deleting the ones of her and missed a few. I said “Ok” and told him exactly how I felt. He reassured me I have nothing to worry about.

I’ve never slept with anyone except for him (it was very early on in our relationship and we’ve been on the right track for over a year now), and it makes me feel like I “missed out” or it isn’t fair because he has been with others. 🤷 I guess it just hurts to know he’s been with others.

In the past I’ve forgotten, but been reminded. I guess I just need to pray and forget again.
Click to expand...
I am going to go against the tide and tell you to be cautious with this guy. He has had sex with multiple women. What are you talking about when you say, “In the past, I’ve forgotten, but been reminded.” What were you reminded about? I think you are “forgetting” something you need to keep in mind.
 
Thank you for your concern! He’s only slept with 2 or 3 girls I believe, not including me. When I first started dating him I found out about his past and it took awhile to get over it. While I agree it’s good to keep his past in mind, I also don’t think it’s fair to judge especially when he has changed and we are truly looking out for each other’s best interest now. We both want to make it to heaven. 🙂

Just seeing photos of his ex again brought back that same insecure and hurtful feelings. He actually told me ages ago he thought he deleted all of the photos of her, so that is also why I was surprised to see a few on his laptop. He told me he has them backed up on another hard drive too. I just need to trust him…🤷
TheRealJuliane said:
I am going to go against the tide and tell you to be cautious with this guy. He has had sex with multiple women. What are you talking about when you say, “In the past, I’ve forgotten, but been reminded.” What were you reminded about? I think you are “forgetting” something you need to keep in mind.
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brie90 said:
Thank you for your concern! He’s only slept with 2 or 3 girls I believe, not including me. When I first started dating him I found out about his past and it took awhile to get over it. While I agree it’s good to keep his past in mind, I also don’t think it’s fair to judge especially when he has changed and we are truly looking out for each other’s best interest now. We both want to make it to heaven. 🙂

Just seeing photos of his ex again brought back that same insecure and hurtful feelings. He actually told me ages ago he thought he deleted all of the photos of her, so that is also why I was surprised to see a few on his laptop. He told me he has them backed up on another hard drive too. I just need to trust him…🤷
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Sorry if you made that clear already but how do you come across pics on a computer without looking for them, they don’t just pop up, no? If you were specifically looking to see if he had pics from previous relationships, I say there is already a pretty serious trust- or lack of- issue already present.
 
No problem. After I submitted my assignment I deleted it off his recent items but accidently clicked a photo instead. 🤷 I wouldn’t deliberately look for photos of his ex because I would never look through his computer plus he told me in the past he deleted them all.🤷
 
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