Insecurities dealing with my GF’s past… just want some feedback

[LukeFive]

I have spent what probably combines into hours searching for and reading threads here on this topic. I have twelve relevant threads bookmarked, but none of them look at this issue from the same approach as I hope to here.

Here is the background. I went back to school this year for. In September, a mutual friend introduced me to a young lady (we are both 25) that she thought had a great deal in common with me. I had told my friend that I would never go out with a non-Catholic again and this young lady had said the same to our friend a few days earlier. We started going to church together, then Bible study, activities with the Newman Center, and just started hanging out in general. Now we pretty much do everything together. We spend time with each other’s friends. Her family likes me and visa-versa. We have fantastic communication and can talk about things in ways that I have never been able to with people I have gone out with in the past. We had decided to get to know each other as friends and see where that took us. Frankly I see great potential in her as a future spouse.

Here is the problem (if you can call it that, I think I am past it but want some feedback). She told me a little over a month ago that she is not a virgin. Initially, I was shocked and hurt. Given her devout faith, I just did not expect it, but she went through a period when she was younger where she did not live quite as she should. This is her single biggest regret, I have never seen someone so remorseful for something done in their past. For me, this is not a moral dilemma at this point. What God has forgiven should be in the past. Initially I had countless thoughts and emotions that are more or less irrelevant at this point, they were addressed in other threads and or I have put them to rest in my mind. I have only two remaining issues that I can think of. The first is insecurity on my part, the fear of being compared. I was praying about this in adoration about a week ago and had a sudden thought, while I have not done exactly what she did; I have not exactly always been a saint myself. About the same time she had her transgressions, I struggled with pornography. She could just as easily fear my comparing her to others that I have seen. But I care about her, think she is beautiful (dressed modestly as I have seen her), and those comparisons have never entered my mind. I like her for who she is. This is my way of rationalizing this part of the issue.

My second issue, is the fact that she still struggles with self forgiveness. I want to be able to help her with this not only for her sake, but for ours as well because I feel that would hinder a healthy relationship.

A year or two ago, this would have been a deal breaker. If I had known about it before we met, I probably would have avoided going out with her. But as my spiritual advisor told me, our ideas are sometimes different than God’s. I have also read a lot of the stuff on the Pure Love Club web site. Faith is the cornerstone of our relationship. Looking on the bright side, I actually trust her more because of this. First of all, given her resolve not to make the same mistake again, she is less likely to put me in a potentially compromising situation. Secondly, it says a lot about her integrity and honesty that she came forward with this, especially as early as she did. She said she felt that she was living a lie otherwise and that I had a right to know and that she thought it would be better to get it in the open before feelings developed on either side. That was very thoughtful on her part and not at all easy. I think that to throw all of this away in addition to all of our other common values and interests, would be illogical.

We are apart for a couple of weeks because of holiday traveling with our families. When we get back together in a couple of weeks, I want to be able to tell her that I have everything sorted out in my mind. Does anyone see anything that I am missing or have any thoughts to add? Can anyone tell me any ways that this issue could potentially have negative repercussions for us down the road? Sorry for such a long post, thanks for sticking with me if you are still reading.

 

[basilisk]

Oh… I can relate. My DH and I got together when we were 17, so the information that he was not a virgin came as something of a shock to me. I really considered breaking off with him at that point, even though he had become so important to me and I was fairly sure I wanted to marry him.

The fear of comparison: I had this too. My DH had only had one previous sex partner, a girlfriend when he was 15. The relationship was brief and they only had sex twice, I think. But still, I was a virgin and had no idea how it really felt or what sex would be like. I was so in fear that I would never be able to surpass that girl as his first. Would he always remember her and compare our lovemaking to what he had with her? Would I be forever in the shadow of her in that arena? Would he be sizing up my body compared to hers? Would sex really be an expression of his love for me, or would it just be something physical he did with her, and then with me? I was SO close to ending it. It would have killed me, but I was going to. And then my brother’s friend, one of the most immoral people I have ever met, gave me the best advice. He told me not to hold the past against my (then) boyfriend, to give him a chance to prove whether he loved me or not. I am so glad I took his advice. Sometimes the truth, or the best advice, comes from the least likely source. I guess everyone has an angel sitting on their shoulders sometimes!

Discomfort with her inability to forgive herself: I can relate to that too. My DH HATED himself for well over two years. He knew he didn’t love that girl, he knew that if he got her pregnant he would be trapped with something he never wanted, he knew that he was using her just for the physical pleasure. He felt so guilty that it destroyed what relationship they had. He ended it, and she was so angry she got violent. He still has a scar on the side of his face from where she hit him with a handful of car keys. My DH spent a couple of years dwelling in a black depression, writing dark poetry and stories, literally loathing himself. His desire to get me to notice him started to bring him out of it. Our relationship further drew him out. Over time, the real, honest, deep love we share, and him being able to make sex about that instead of what it was about for him in the past, which was all pain and shame, healed his heart and his soul. I know some might say that it was extremely unwise for him to make me the thing that healed him, and for me to allow myself to be that, and perhaps in some situations it would be unhealthy. I guess all I can say is that I somehow knew it would be OK. That his healing was real, even though dependent on me. In truth, we both healed each other of a lot of past hurts, and I think that is part of why our bond is so strong.

My advice to you would be to be courageous and take a chance. Do keep your eyes open for really unhealthy behaviors or tendencies in the now. Do be vigilant about dealbreakers and don’t be afraid to make sure that your relationship is good and uplifting and heading in the right direction for both of you. If you decide to end it, do it over something in the present. Give her the chance to see that repentance does allow one to move on and build a new life and self. If her conversion is real, you will be able to tell. And if it is not, you will know fairly soon.

All love is a risk, but I can tell you that the one I took REALLY paid off in the end. Good luck.

Oh yeah, and I can tell you with certainty that he NEVER thinks about her anymore. He is completely faithful in every way. He was literally 10,000 miles away from me for an entire year… could have done ANYTHING and I would never have known. And yet, I have absolutely no doubt that he was faithful to his vows the whole time. He REALLY learned his lesson and will never disrespect the power and importance of sexuality again. Nor would he ever hurt me that way.

 

[nmoerbeek]

I have spent what probably combines into hours searching for and reading threads here on this topic. I have twelve relevant threads bookmarked, but none of them look at this issue from the same approach as I hope to here.

Here is the background. I went back to school this year for. In September, a mutual friend introduced me to a young lady (we are both 25) that she thought had a great deal in common with me. I had told my friend that I would never go out with a non-Catholic again and this young lady had said the same to our friend a few days earlier. We started going to church together, then Bible study, activities with the Newman Center, and just started hanging out in general. Now we pretty much do everything together. We spend time with each other’s friends. Her family likes me and visa-versa. We have fantastic communication and can talk about things in ways that I have never been able to with people I have gone out with in the past. We had decided to get to know each other as friends and see where that took us. Frankly I see great potential in her as a future spouse.

Here is the problem (if you can call it that, I think I am past it but want some feedback). She told me a little over a month ago that she is not a virgin. Initially, I was shocked and hurt. Given her devout faith, I just did not expect it, but she went through a period when she was younger where she did not live quite as she should. This is her single biggest regret, I have never seen someone so remorseful for something done in their past. For me, this is not a moral dilemma at this point. What God has forgiven should be in the past. Initially I had countless thoughts and emotions that are more or less irrelevant at this point, they were addressed in other threads and or I have put them to rest in my mind. I have only two remaining issues that I can think of. The first is insecurity on my part, the fear of being compared. I was praying about this in adoration about a week ago and had a sudden thought, while I have not done exactly what she did; I have not exactly always been a saint myself. About the same time she had her transgressions, I struggled with pornography. She could just as easily fear my comparing her to others that I have seen. But I care about her, think she is beautiful (dressed modestly as I have seen her), and those comparisons have never entered my mind. I like her for who she is. This is my way of rationalizing this part of the issue.

My second issue, is the fact that she still struggles with self forgiveness. I want to be able to help her with this not only for her sake, but for ours as well because I feel that would hinder a healthy relationship.

A year or two ago, this would have been a deal breaker. If I had known about it before we met, I probably would have avoided going out with her. But as my spiritual advisor told me, our ideas are sometimes different than God’s. I have also read a lot of the stuff on the Pure Love Club web site. Faith is the cornerstone of our relationship. Looking on the bright side, I actually trust her more because of this. First of all, given her resolve not to make the same mistake again, she is less likely to put me in a potentially compromising situation. Secondly, it says a lot about her integrity and honesty that she came forward with this, especially as early as she did. She said she felt that she was living a lie otherwise and that I had a right to know and that she thought it would be better to get it in the open before feelings developed on either side. That was very thoughtful on her part and not at all easy. I think that to throw all of this away in addition to all of our other common values and interests, would be illogical.

We are apart for a couple of weeks because of holiday traveling with our families. When we get back together in a couple of weeks, I want to be able to tell her that I have everything sorted out in my mind. Does anyone see anything that I am missing or have any thoughts to add? Can anyone tell me any ways that this issue could potentially have negative repercussions for us down the road? Sorry for such a long post, thanks for sticking with me if you are still reading.

If you came to the realization that the other person is a human being that is a good thing. No one is perfect if she is ashamed of her actions it will keep her holy in the future.

If you read the statistics on virginity in the US (first one I found) you will notice that pre-martial sex is common. That is not saying that it is okay but I do think that people have been able to get over it for a while.

Your only suffering that would come out of this would be classified into sinful forms of doubt yourself such as Jealousy and pride. So do yourself a favor and do not think about it if she is already right with God then she should be right with you.

 

[BamaRider]

She is honest and spirtiual. Give this relationship a chance and see where it goes.

The past is the past in this case. If y’all like it each other, the both of you should let it go-God has.

 

[chevalier]

Secondly, it says a lot about her integrity and honesty that she came forward with this, especially as early as she did.

What I was going to say.

She said she felt that she was living a lie otherwise and that I had a right to know and that she thought it would be better to get it in the open before feelings developed on either side. That was very thoughtful on her part and not at all easy. I think that to throw all of this away in addition to all of our other common values and interests, would be illogical.

Indeed. You know how hard it is to find someone who cares?

Can anyone tell me any ways that this issue could potentially have negative repercussions for us down the road?

Off the top of my head, there could be some hidden resentment if you don’t deal with it. You need to respect her. She cannot take or be given a worse position than you because she’s not a virgin.

Sorry for such a long post, thanks for sticking with me if you are still reading.

Don’t worry, you aren’t a bad writer and the story has been quite rejoicing.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Read the advice you got here over again. It’s good. I completely agree with Basilisk.

We are called to be the Face of Christ with each other. If God forgave a sin of someone who was truly sorry, who are we to continue to hold it against someone.

Her struggle to forgive herself is because this was a self-inflicted wound. We are called to bind up each other’s wounds. If you think you can be the person to do this for her, and if you really think you have much in common, and her past is in her past and she has been burned so she will never go near that flame again, then she will probably be a very virtuous girlfriend.

You can let her know it doesn’t matter to you by just greeting her the next time you see her with a big hug and a smile and open arms and plans to go out and have a fun holiday, and never mention her past again. Never throw it in her face. Never allude to it. She is a new person with you and in Christ. Believe that and act on it.

Don’t worry about comparisons. For a woman it’s different. Nothing is that good when you’re being used. And when you’re dumped and left feeling shamed, no woman is going to compare that favorably against someone who loves her and treats her with value.

It’s not even a contest.

Good luck. Keep prayer in the mix and value her for who she is.

Young women make all kinds of mistakes, most of them out of a misplaced sense of love. Are you the man who can teach her what real love is? If so, you might have that wonderful kind of wife someday who doesn’t wonder whether the grass on the other side of the fence really is greener. She already knows what she has.

Christ didn’t condemn the woman thrown at his feet. He spoke to her with kindness and told her to sin no more. Be Christ to everyone you meet. That’s how souls are saved.

The fact that you have matured in a year and what was once a deal breaker now isn’t shows that YOU are growing up too. Not everyone is a virgin because they are virtuous. Some have never been tested. Some never ever feel enough love for another person to even get that close. With those people, you may get a virgin, but you will also deal with not knowing how they will behave in the future if they are tested.

This will only hurt your future if you throw it in her face, or allude to it if you are angry, or secretly feel you are better than she is, or start becoming insecure about it.

Just remember if whoever that guy/guys were was so important, you wouldn’t even be in the picture right now. Some of our best saints had lives full of sin and mistakes before they truly accepted Christ into their lives.

I promise you, she’ll probably be a very watchful mother over the morals and emotions of her own children someday. Our culture tells us if it feels good, do it. We now have generations of older, sadder and wiser people who fell for that lie and now know better. And they are the ones who will help undo that damage.

 

[Norseman82]

I have spent what probably combines into hours searching for and reading threads here on this topic. I have twelve relevant threads bookmarked, but none of them look at this issue from the same approach as I hope to here.

Here is the background. I went back to school this year for. In September, a mutual friend introduced me to a young lady (we are both 25) that she thought had a great deal in common with me. I had told my friend that I would never go out with a non-Catholic again and this young lady had said the same to our friend a few days earlier. We started going to church together, then Bible study, activities with the Newman Center, and just started hanging out in general. Now we pretty much do everything together. We spend time with each other’s friends. Her family likes me and visa-versa. We have fantastic communication and can talk about things in ways that I have never been able to with people I have gone out with in the past. We had decided to get to know each other as friends and see where that took us. Frankly I see great potential in her as a future spouse.

Here is the problem (if you can call it that, I think I am past it but want some feedback). She told me a little over a month ago that she is not a virgin. Initially, I was shocked and hurt. Given her devout faith, I just did not expect it, but she went through a period when she was younger where she did not live quite as she should. This is her single biggest regret, I have never seen someone so remorseful for something done in their past. For me, this is not a moral dilemma at this point. What God has forgiven should be in the past. Initially I had countless thoughts and emotions that are more or less irrelevant at this point, they were addressed in other threads and or I have put them to rest in my mind. I have only two remaining issues that I can think of. The first is insecurity on my part, the fear of being compared. I was praying about this in adoration about a week ago and had a sudden thought, while I have not done exactly what she did; I have not exactly always been a saint myself. About the same time she had her transgressions, I struggled with pornography. She could just as easily fear my comparing her to others that I have seen. But I care about her, think she is beautiful (dressed modestly as I have seen her), and those comparisons have never entered my mind. I like her for who she is. This is my way of rationalizing this part of the issue.

My second issue, is the fact that she still struggles with self forgiveness. I want to be able to help her with this not only for her sake, but for ours as well because I feel that would hinder a healthy relationship.

A year or two ago, this would have been a deal breaker. If I had known about it before we met, I probably would have avoided going out with her. But as my spiritual advisor told me, our ideas are sometimes different than God’s. I have also read a lot of the stuff on the Pure Love Club web site. Faith is the cornerstone of our relationship. Looking on the bright side, I actually trust her more because of this. First of all, given her resolve not to make the same mistake again, she is less likely to put me in a potentially compromising situation. Secondly, it says a lot about her integrity and honesty that she came forward with this, especially as early as she did. She said she felt that she was living a lie otherwise and that I had a right to know and that she thought it would be better to get it in the open before feelings developed on either side. That was very thoughtful on her part and not at all easy. I think that to throw all of this away in addition to all of our other common values and interests, would be illogical.

We are apart for a couple of weeks because of holiday traveling with our families. When we get back together in a couple of weeks, I want to be able to tell her that I have everything sorted out in my mind. Does anyone see anything that I am missing or have any thoughts to add? Can anyone tell me any ways that this issue could potentially have negative repercussions for us down the road? Sorry for such a long post, thanks for sticking with me if you are still reading.

First, if you aren’t a virgin yourself, you can’t complain. However, what I am getting from your post is that you are.

If this is causing you insecurity and it could spill over into your marriage, then this is more of a dealbreaker than you think it is and maybe this isn’t the right girl for you.

From my experience here, I know that a lot of people have things backwards and will give you more grief for being insecure than another person for committing a mortal sin; I am not one of them.

Lastly, be very wary whenever someone tries to manipulate you with the “God’s plan for you” soundbite. That’s what it is, manipulation.

 

[udoc89]

Read the advice you got here over again. It’s good. I completely agree with Basilisk.

We are called to be the Face of Christ with each other. If God forgave a sin of someone who was truly sorry, who are we to continue to hold it against someone.

Her struggle to forgive herself is because this was a self-inflicted wound. We are called to bind up each other’s wounds. If you think you can be the person to do this for her, and if you really think you have much in common, and her past is in her past and she has been burned so she will never go near that flame again, then she will probably be a very virtuous girlfriend.

You can let her know it doesn’t matter to you by just greeting her the next time you see her with a big hug and a smile and open arms and plans to go out and have a fun holiday, and never mention her past again. Never throw it in her face. Never allude to it. She is a new person with you and in Christ. Believe that and act on it.

Don’t worry about comparisons. For a woman it’s different. Nothing is that good when you’re being used. And when you’re dumped and left feeling shamed, no woman is going to compare that favorably against someone who loves her and treats her with value.

It’s not even a contest.

Good luck. Keep prayer in the mix and value her for who she is.

Young women make all kinds of mistakes, most of them out of a misplaced sense of love. Are you the man who can teach her what real love is? If so, you might have that wonderful kind of wife someday who doesn’t wonder whether the grass on the other side of the fence really is greener. She already knows what she has.

Christ didn’t condemn the woman thrown at his feet. He spoke to her with kindness and told her to sin no more. Be Christ to everyone you meet. That’s how souls are saved.

The fact that you have matured in a year and what was once a deal breaker now isn’t shows that YOU are growing up too. Not everyone is a virgin because they are virtuous. Some have never been tested. Some never ever feel enough love for another person to even get that close. With those people, you may get a virgin, but you will also deal with not knowing how they will behave in the future if they are tested.

This will only hurt your future if you throw it in her face, or allude to it if you are angry, or secretly feel you are better than she is, or start becoming insecure about it.

Just remember if whoever that guy/guys were was so important, you wouldn’t even be in the picture right now. Some of our best saints had lives full of sin and mistakes before they truly accepted Christ into their lives.

I promise you, she’ll probably be a very watchful mother over the morals and emotions of her own children someday. Our culture tells us if it feels good, do it. We now have generations of older, sadder and wiser people who fell for that lie and now know better. And they are the ones who will help undo that damage.

This is such good advice I don’t think I’ll try to improve on it. Praise God that this young woman you’ve found is so honest–not to mention loving–that she insists on being truthful–even if it means losing you!

 

[dang71]

She told me a little over a month ago that she is not a virgin. Initially, I was shocked and hurt. Given her devout faith, I just did not expect it, but she went through a period when she was younger where she did not live quite as she should.

why don’t you just stand up and be a man. she made a mistake, and you dragging that mistake through a public forum is quite disrespectful.

A year or two ago, this would have been a deal breaker. If I had known about it before we met, I probably would have avoided going out with her.

how shallow of you. are you sure you are even ready for any sort of commitment with a woman?

But as my spiritual advisor told me, our ideas are sometimes different than God’s. I have also read a lot of the stuff on the Pure Love Club web site. Faith is the cornerstone of our relationship. Looking on the bright side, I actually trust her more because of this. First of all, given her resolve not to make the same mistake again, she is less likely to put me in a potentially compromising situation. Secondly, it says a lot about her integrity and honesty that she came forward with this, especially as early as she did.

your spiritual advisor, and your girlfriend, seem a LOT more mature than you.

she is less likely to put me in a potentially compromising situation

man, you got a long way to go, buddy. she deserves a lot better than you.

 

[LukeFive]

First, I really want to thank basilik for her advice. I really found what you said valuable.

This is such good advice I don’t think I’ll try to improve on it. Praise God that this young woman you’ve found is so honest–not to mention loving–that she insists on being truthful–even if it means losing you!

Yes that is true, she actually told me that she figured it would probably be a deal breaker for me. She really is commendable in a lot of ways.

why don’t you just stand up and be a man. she made a mistake, and you dragging that mistake through a public forum is quite disrespectful.

Boy, you sure are hostile. Maybe I should not have asked about it on here, but you have no idea how carefully I read and reread my post to make sure that there was nothing in there that was specific enough to tie it to us. No one knows my screen name but me. I was not satisfied with the two sentence response that my spiritual advisor gave me and out of respect for her, could not talk to anyone else that I know so an anonymous post on a forum of people with like values was the nearest I could come to getting so reassurance that I was making the right decision. Trust me, I struggled with the decision to post on here.

how shallow of you. are you sure you are even ready for any sort of commitment with a woman?

Yes I will admit that it probably was a bit shallow of me. You have no idea how terrible and small I felt when I came to the conclusions I mentioned in my OP because she knows that I was struggling with some of that and it can not have been easy for her. But this is a function of the ultra traditional environment I was raised in. My mom, who has met her a couple times, talked to her on the phone, and thinks she is great, would probably not be very accepting of her if she knew.

your spiritual advisor, and your girlfriend, seem a LOT more mature than you.

man, you got a long way to go, buddy. she deserves a lot better than you.

Gee wiz… I am glad you think so . I think I am going to ignore everyone else’s advice now and go crawl under a rock.

First, if you aren’t a virgin yourself, you can’t complain. However, what I am getting from your post is that you are.

If this is causing you insecurity and it could spill over into your marriage, then this is more of a dealbreaker than you think it is and maybe this isn’t the right girl for you.

From my experience here, I know that a lot of people have things backwards and will give you more grief for being insecure than another person for committing a mortal sin; I am not one of them.

Lastly, be very wary whenever someone tries to manipulate you with the “God’s plan for you” soundbite. That’s what it is, manipulation.

In response to your first comment, you are totally correct. As for the rest, I think I am pretty much past the rest, I just wanted to make sure that I was not overlooking anything and that I was pretty much on target. Thank you for being supportive and not hypocritically judgmental.

We are called to be the Face of Christ with each other. If God forgave a sin of someone who was truly sorry, who are we to continue to hold it against someone.

As I said in the OP, this is not a moral issue. I have never held any of it against her personally. Right or wrong it was an insecurity on my part. If I were to be unable to get past my hang ups, that would be unfair to her because I would not be able to give her what she deserves. My primary concern at this point is for her. The fact that she is so hard on herself still bothers me but time will probably heal that. She seems happier lately and I can honestly say that we have grown much closer since originally discussing this and our communication is better than ever.

 

[chevalier]

why don’t you just stand up and be a man. she made a mistake, and you dragging that mistake through a public forum is quite disrespectful.

He needs advice and the forum is anonymous.

how shallow of you. are you sure you are even ready for any sort of commitment with a woman?

Disagree. Wonder what caused such a strong reply.

your spiritual advisor, and your girlfriend, seem a LOT more mature than you.

Same as above.

man, you got a long way to go, buddy. she deserves a lot better than you.

Same as above.

 

[basilisk]

Disagree. Wonder what caused such a strong reply.

Sounds like defensiveness to me. You know the things we hate in ourselves usually provoke the strongest response when we see it in others. Hence Jesus’ advice about the beam and the speck…

LukeFive, I am glad you found my words helpful. I wanted to help you and I feel like I did. Merry Christmas!

 

[dang71]

i apologize for being harsh in my previous post, and your calm response has proved me somewhat wrong about you.

here is what i see about your girlfriend:

A. she is a good Catholic
B. she made a mistake
C. she has great remorse for the mistake

my reaction was because you don’t seem see the true gem of a woman you are dating, and that you focused solely on yourself and your feelings, and not at all on her. she seems to be a wonderful woman, from your description, and she deserves encouragement, support, care, and a man who is so blind with love for her he cannot even see her faults. my feeling is that if you are so focused on her past and how that past affects YOU, you probably won’t be able to give the encouragement and support she needs.

i am assuming she told you about her past in confidence, and even though this may be a semi-anonymous forum, how do you think she would feel if she knew you shared her mistake with the whole world? it’s one thing to talk to a close trusted friend, but completely another to broadcast across the world. maybe i am being too harsh, and if so i apologize, but i think her feelings should be looked upon a little more carefully.

 

[LukeFive]

Chevalier and basilisk, thank you for your kind words. Dang71, no hard feelings. I am sorry for my somewhat sarcastic response. I tried to send you a PM with something more but apparently you don’t allow PM’s but I totally agree with you’re A-C.

 

[bluerose]

LukeFive,

I’ve been thinking about your problem for a while and it occurred to me to ask you this:

Would you be as insecure if she were a widow?

Perhaps, if the answer to the question is “no”, then you should think of her past as a deceased spouse: dead, buried. Gone. The difference would be, of course, that someone who had been widowed after a happy marriage WOULD have happy memories, but that’s not the case here. And perhaps she should do the same and see that her old life is dead and her new life–perhaps with you–is beginning.

You are both in my prayers.

 

[chevalier]

Dang71, my turn to apologise.

LukeFive, you’ve found a gem, that’s true. I almost envy you and I’m not sure of the almost.

 

[Norseman82]

All I can say is that when I see the venom and criticisms directed at male virgins who have problems or insecurities dealing with an unequal virginity situation, both here in this forum and other threads here and elsewhere, should it be any surprise that young people - especially MALES - regard virginity as a pesky thing to be gotten rid of?

Christ didn’t condemn the woman thrown at his feet. He spoke to her with kindness and told her to sin no more.

But He did not marry her (unless you are a Dan Brown follower).

Not everyone is a virgin because they are virtuous. Some have never been tested. Some never ever feel enough love for another person to even get that close. With those people, you may get a virgin, but you will also deal with not knowing how they will behave in the future if they are tested.

I’ve got news for you. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO AVOID TEMPTATION. Remember that little part of the Act of Contrition about “avoid the near occasion of sin” and the warnings in the Baltimore Catechism about avoiding “bad companions”? These people you complain about “never been tested” and “not having enough love to get close” ARE ONLY DOING WHAT THE CHURCH TELLS THEM TO DO by avoiding bad companions and occasions of sin. Additionally, when you have to live in the middle of a rotten world sometimes the only way to avoid sin is to suppress your emotions. This is especailly true for MALES, and let’s face facts, it is harder for males since they have to fight the testerone that women don’t; besides, how many movies out there mock 40-year old virgin FEMALES?? (Yes, ladies, you need to start looking at things from the male side of things).

So you are very WRONG WRONG WRONG for criticizing them; consider yourself rebuked.

We as a Church need to treat those who are suffering due to obeying Church teaching much better instead of treating them like Mr. Phelps in “Mission: Impossible” and not give them the ecclesiastical and moral equivalent of “in case you are captured or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your mission”.

 

[whatevergirl]

Norseman–I don’t see where Liberano is mocking the OP? Or people who are virgins? Maybe I missed something.

To the OP–
I enjoyed reading your opening post. I think that it’s entirely up to a person, whether or not one’s virginity becomes a deal breaker or not. Clearly, you have gotten past the initial impact of hearing about her past, and you seem to want to forge past your own insecurities. I think threads like this take on different angles, because people start talking about viriginity as the concept, rather than your initial question, which is how can YOU personally deal with some insecurities that you’re having. I was a virgin when I married, at 22…my husband was 32, and was not a virgin. It did not bother me, or so I thought…I did find myself wondering if he compared me to others…more experienced women than myself. He assured me that he didn’t…he didn’t even think of these other women, so soon, I realized that this was my own ‘demon,’ if you will, to wrestle with. I have been married for nearly 20 years now to this same man, and believe me…your insecurities will pass eventually. Just know, it’s not abnormal for you to feel this way. I will keep you and her in my prayers. I pray too that she will come to a place of peace about her past…and forgive herself.

God bless, and Merry Christmas!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Thanks, WG.

Norseman, I don’t need your rebuke. I know better than you may think about avoiding the near occasion of sin. Sometimes they consist of men who follow me in the supermarket and dont’ take a polite smile and “have a nice day” for an answer.

I was a virgin on my wedding night. To a non-virgin, who happened to be one of those “virgin chasers.” You know… the guys that didn’t save themselves, but have all kinds of nasty things to say about the women who behave like them. And think they deserve a spotless bride when they finally decide to get married, and then spend years making nasty comments because the innocent bride doesn’t have the bedroom knowlege of a courtesan.

It was a disaster personally. And I was abandoned. And I have lived a chaste life in the middle of this stinking culture for the past 14 years. News for you pal, women have both testosterone and estrogen flowing through their bodies in levels that make them want to “continue the species” also. It’s not a cakewalk for us. Unless you have ever dealt with estrogen in your system, don’t lecture the women here.

I wasn’t ridiculing men who save themselves. I was just putting in a kind word for fallible people who may see the error of their ways and don’t deserve to be exiled to some leper island of defective sinful people for the rest of their lives.

And I stand by my original statement. Don’t confuse holiness with lack of opportunity.

And by the way, BAD COMPANIONS don’t always look bad to young teenage/college women. They come in the form of young men who flatter them, woo them, date them, tell them they’re beautiful and love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them, and “prove you love me too” and the rest becomes history…A history the shamed girls then have to admit to near strangers and hope they are not then kicked to the curb by decent guys for the rest of their life. Because I suppose in your world, once a girl falls for that line, she must resign herself to BAD COMPANIONS for the rest of her miserable life? She is no longer worthy of “GOOD MEN?”

Gimme a break.
Not every bad companion wears a sign warning the damsels to stay away.

Don’t know what your anger issues are, but don’t vent them on me.

 

[Norseman82]

Norseman–I don’t see where Liberano is mocking the OP? Or people who are virgins? Maybe I missed something.

Read the part of her post that I was responding to where she talked about virgins who are virgins not because they are virtuous but because they were not tested, etc. I was just pointing out that those people are simply doing what the Church tells them to do. My apologies if I was not clearer, but my point remains and I do not retract it.