Insight into a guy's mind

[youngsterat16]

I have a close guy friend that I like a lot. We’ve become good friends over the past two years. I think he has some interest in me. We hung out a bit one week when we were both on spring break, going to a lake, the zoo, and hanging out a bit at his house, but since then we’ve done nothing aside from mass every week. More often than not, when I try making any plans he has an excuse. Often they seem to be legit excuses but I sometimes wonder if he just doesn’t want to.

I don’t think he’s necessarily lost any interest, but it’s just makes me not want to even plan anything anymore. It could be he just doesn’t prefer one on one time with most people, I’m not sure how often he does with anyone but his best friend. If I try making plans to do something with a group and plan around days that are busy he usually seems to come.

I don’t do it that often, although it seems I do when he says he can’t every time. I invited him and his best friend (mutual friend) to hang around here for a bit and he said he better not because of his summer reading and that his friend already has plans

Ill take any advice but if any of you gents can give me some insight into the male mind that would be helpful.

I’d like to talk about some of this with him face to face some point in the future but I’m not sure how I can even when I a. Unable to just hang out with him for a bit without anyone else. I’m the type of person who likes one on one get together soon with people vs groups.

I’m trying not to go crazy over all of this. I’m doing my best to focus on my prayer and school life etc. but I just would like to get this straightened out with him…

 

[1ke]

He’s not interested in you romantically. When he has nothing better to do, he hangs with you. That’s it.

You go out of your way to arrange your schedule so that he can. Stop doing that.

I encourage you to move on and live your life without regard to whether he is available for activities. Do what YOU want, when YOU want to. You are indeed young, too young to be orbiting your life around a guy.

You are also limiting your options, because you are making yourself unavailable to others. You are not “just friends”. You are interested and “hoping for more”.

Oh, and as for needing to interpret guys behavior, not necessary. Guys are not complicated or convoluted.

He’s not interested.

 

[Irishmom2]

Please find yourself a copy of the book “He’s Just Not Into You.” Not the movie, the book. It really will help you.

2 years? If he was interested, you would know already. Please, do not confront him, try to talk to him about the two of you or otherwise do anything that will end up embarrassing you.

Back away and see what happens. He will either pursue you or he won’t. But you will have an answer.

Hard to hear at 16, but he may just like you as a friend and nothing more. But there will be others.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

He’s not interested in you romantically. When he has nothing better to do, he hangs with you. That’s it.

^This x1000.

You won’t have to chase a guy who’s interested.

 

[AdamP88]

As a guy, I would say he’s definitely not interested. If he felt the same he’d be seizing the opportunity to spend time with you.
Don’t waste time with him. He might be a friend but it seems that’s all he’ll ever be.
There’ll be other guys who will bend over backwards to spend time with you.

 

[angell1]

He’s not interested in you romantically. When he has nothing better to do, he hangs with you. That’s it.

You go out of your way to arrange your schedule so that he can. Stop doing that.

I encourage you to move on and live your life without regard to whether he is available for activities. Do what YOU want, when YOU want to. You are indeed young, too young to be orbiting your life around a guy.

You are also limiting your options, because you are making yourself unavailable to others. You are not “just friends”. You are interested and “hoping for more”.

Oh, and as for needing to interpret guys behavior, not necessary. Guys are not complicated or convoluted.

He’s not interested.

just an add-on to already good advice

even if you do get in to a relationship, you do not ned to constantly focus exclusively on the other person 24/7

I know many people that get in to a relationship and suddenly, the rest of their fraiends and family just seem to stop existing.

isolation is not good, normal relatioships need to branch out and connect with other people, not just this one other person.

 

[Usige]

Well thinking back 25 years to when my wife and I were dating and I always found time to be with her (to the point of getting fired from a part time job for calling in “sick” ). In general most young men would skip out on their friends if they were even mildly interested in a young woman.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d wouldn’t say he’s “not interested,” but for now too busy to be interested, at the very least. Relationships take a lot of time, and many people of marriageable age don’t seem to find it.

Go find someone else to hang out with. Maybe some time down the line, he’ll be interested. Right now, he’s not. Romance may not be on his radar, whatsoever, but he’s not ready to pull the trigger on a romance with you. You’re one of his friends right now, nothing more and nothing less.

If he’s interested and he’s blowing it with you and he kicks himself later, his hard luck, but there are no good reasons for you to keep taking the initiative and lots of good reasons you shouldn’t, not least of which is that you’re naturally starting to resent/obsess over his inertia. Resentment and obsession aren’t attractive, and they feel far worse than they look (should he take the time to notice, which he probably won’t).

Do everyone a favor, and move on elsewhere for your social life. If you have romance in your future, even with him, you’ll find it in a different direction than you’re going right now.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

He is not your “close guy friend.” That is just wishful thinking. When he tells you that his summer reading is more important than spending time with you, he is telling you very clearly that he is not interested in you romantically. Take the answer gracefully. Don’t become the crazy obsessive girl that guys are afraid of.

 

[AllieT]

You know, as a 45-year-old woman who pined over a few too many guys in my youth, all I can say is don’t waste your time pursuing this guy if he hasn’t made it clear that his feelings are the same. If you pull back and stop trying to plan things with him, then he can have the opportunity to pursue you if he wants. Sounds like the ball is in his court at this point. It stinks when someone doesn’t respond or doesn’t like you back in the same way. But believe me…what feels so frustrating now will most likely be a vague memory in a very short time. Like my dad always told me (I’m paraphrasing and no offense to men - this was just from a dad who saw his daughter unhealthily wasting time pining over boys)…“Sweetheart, guys are like buses…you don’t need to go chasing after them if they pass you by. Just be patient because another one will come along before you know it.”

Good luck…have fun, do things you like, and the rest will fall into place.

 

[Rhubarb]

Ill take any advice but if any of you gents can give me some insight into the male mind that would be helpful.

There is not just one male mind. Not all men think alike.

You should ask him. Calmly, curiously. He has the answers you want.

 

[Tomdstone]

I invited him and his best friend (mutual friend) to hang around here for a bit and he said he better not because of his summer reading and that his friend already has plans.

Sounds like he is pretty busy right now.

 

[AbideWithMe]

What a blessing that at your age you are here asking for advice, that is a good thing!

It is good that you are meeting young gentlemen at Mass, and asking questions here about relationships! While this particular person might not necessarily be the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with; clearly you have a good foundation and a good head on your shoulders, those are blessings and wonderful blessings at that.

As far as understanding him I suppose you could ask him about his feelings, but as someone else mentioned it might be awkward, and you might not get a satisfactory answer anyway. I made the mistake of doing that when I was younger and all I got was “Oh, I like you, you are nice” and I left feeling even more frustrated than ever. Probably in this situation, I would say that actions are speaking here already wouldn’t you? Was he interested in you at one time? Perhaps yes, perhaps, no. Is he interested now, it seems, sadly no. There could be another girl around, perhaps he lost interest for some other reason it is hard to say.

I dated a lot and of course liked the people, then over time found myself not liking them as much. I am not saying that is what happened here, but when he is giving you excuses, not making plans with you and telling you he has “summer reading” you have to admit he just isn’t interested.

This can be extremely painful. Often these kind of situations can be dismissed as a crush that you are expected to move on from quickly. However when a young girl has the beginnings of a first crush, feelings can get tied up rather quickly. You even begin to daydream about dating and having fun together, all sorts of things. These daydreams become quickly dashed and you can be left doubting yourself, wondering if you were a fool. Rest assured you are no fool! It is good that you took a chance, it is good that you risked making a friend and even tried getting involved in a relationship. This means you have an open heart, that is a good thing. Remember always that you are the daughter of a King, that Jesus Christ has wonderful plans for your life. If this relationship didn’t work out just now, that God has wonderful plans for your life that didn’t include this person at this time. Please be assured of my prayers.

This is the kind of advice every teenager should be lucky enough to hear. What a thought-filled answer.

 

[oldgraymare2]

This is the kind of advice every teenager should be lucky enough to hear. What a thought-filled answer.

I was thinking the exact same thing, AbideWithMe. Monica wrote such a lovely post.

Monica, yours was a really lovely post.

 

[youngsterat16]

Thank you all for your advice. I’ve spent a bit of time thinking over this last night and got some clarity:

For now, I’m just going to take a step back. As for his summer reading, while granted yes he could take time to hang for an hour or something I do understand this excuse. He had struggles at his previous school and just didn’t like it. He decided to transfer over the summer to a catholic high school where some of his other friends are and has had a lbit to catch up on. He has gotten a role I their musical that he has rehearsals for evenings. And his English class he is in an honors and had to read two lengthy books. I’m not sure when he got those but he is on the last one and a close girlfriend of mine said its not an easy read.

For the most part, his excuses seem valid. And yes I get it he is not into me like I am to him. Thus is why I’m just going to step back this year. I’m not goi to say anything on how I feel about him. I’m not one who likes to be busy but I’m going to try busying myself this year.

I’m not going to completely give up but I will take a good break. I’m not going to make any plans to hang out with him, even in a group, anymore. If he makes an effort to include me in anything then I will think about it. If my other friends decide to have a get together and invite him, fine I’ll go. I’m a very quiet and introverted person while he, very kind and wouldn’t try to hurt me intentionally, is just the opposite. And perhaps that played a role in this. I’ll conitnue to do my best to make conversation but I’m just going to focus on God first.

 

[Lea101]

I just want to add some advice i heard from my brother.

Take men literally. Whatever they say or do, take it literally. If there are mixed signals, he’s not really into you. Stuff like that.

It makes life SO much easier

 

[EasterJoy]

I just want to add some advice i heard from my brother.

Take men literally. Whatever they say or do, take it literally. If there are mixed signals, he’s not really into you. Stuff like that.

It makes life SO much easier

They also give signals that have nothing whatsoever to do with you:

Wife’s Diary:

*Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing…’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.*
**
Husband’s Diary:**

A five putt?!?..who outside of the fires of h3ll ever FIVE PUTTS?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not going to completely give up but I will take a good break. I’m not going to make any plans to hang out with him, even in a group, anymore. If he makes an effort to include me in anything then I will think about it…

You are way over-thinking this.

It is a big mistake to break up with someone who was never dating you. You were trying to conveniently give him an opening, that was probably fine, but he didn’t take it…let that be fine. When someone fails to notice an acceptably subtle move towards availability, that is not a rejection. It’s a push to even call it a missed opportunity!

Accept that nothing happened at all. You’re friends. Do not jettison a perfectly good casual friendship by projecting big invisible flaming hoops for him to jump through and then shunning him when he doesn’t jump through them. That is nonsense. Just let him be someone you consider a friend, nothing more and nothing less, and leave it at that.

If you allow yourself to read more than that into someone’s failure to take advantage of one of the many social opportunities that life presents, just because it happens to be you that is the opportunity, you’re going to make yourself a wreck.

Honestly, I’d quit fishing and just go for a swim. How old are you? What are you going to do if you “land” someone? Let it be, let it be. If romance finds you, deal with it, but “I adjure you, daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and hinds of the field, do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time.”
(Songs 3:5)

Friends who aren’t romantic interests: They are vastly under-rated, especially by the young.

 

[Jake_Parker]

Thank you all for your advice. I’ve spent a bit of time thinking over this last night and got some clarity:

For now, I’m just going to take a step back. As for his summer reading, while granted yes he could take time to hang for an hour or something I do understand this excuse. He had struggles at his previous school and just didn’t like it. He decided to transfer over the summer to a catholic high school where some of his other friends are and has had a lbit to catch up on. He has gotten a role I their musical that he has rehearsals for evenings. And his English class he is in an honors and had to read two lengthy books. I’m not sure when he got those but he is on the last one and a close girlfriend of mine said its not an easy read.

For the most part, his excuses seem valid. And yes I get it he is not into me like I am to him. Thus is why I’m just going to step back this year. I’m not goi to say anything on how I feel about him. I’m not one who likes to be busy but I’m going to try busying myself this year.

I’m not going to completely give up but I will take a good break. I’m not going to make any plans to hang out with him, even in a group, anymore. If he makes an effort to include me in anything then I will think about it. If my other friends decide to have a get together and invite him, fine I’ll go. I’m a very quiet and introverted person while he, very kind and wouldn’t try to hurt me intentionally, is just the opposite. And perhaps that played a role in this. I’ll conitnue to do my best to make conversation but I’m just going to focus on God first.

As someone that was 16 only 8 years ago, I can still remember being 16. It was always difficult not to easily fall for someone that I connected with, and got along with well. Even though you know you need to give him space, you are probably still going to hold onto hope that he’s interested. I am not going to tell you not to, but I will tell you not to spend a lot of time thinking about it or him. I’m not dismissing your feelings, because they are real, and what you feel is not any less important just because you are 16. But it’s important to also know that everyone on here has been through what you’re going through, and are just trying to give you the best advice from personal experience. Find friends that want to spend time with you, and enjoy time with friends, focus on school work, you have so much time to find somebody to be interested in/in a relationship with. Like others have said, and as a guy myself I can tell you it is true… when a guy does like you, it will be pretty obvious. We do not know how to hide it!

Wishing you the best!

 

[youngsterat16]

I’m not sure exactly why I said that. I’m not not going to make plans to hang out with him. Any plans I’ve made I’ve made in the thought of just hanging out. I’m trying my best to be more of a friend i just have some difficulty speaking up and making conversation with anyone. I’ve few friends that I can have conversation with easily, otherwise it’s more of an effort for me.

I didn’t mean to make it sound like I’m shunning him. I’m still going to make plans to include him. I just just get a little disappointed when I try hanging out on on one, with anyone really, and they can’t. I can’t open up easily in a group setting and I’m just trying to get the friends closest to me to understand me more. I just do best when I have only one person to talk to, which is why I was wanting to hang out with him so I can just talk. It’s hard to explain but I just don’t want to be awkward in conversations.

I’m not going to be able to have any time this year to think on him anyways, I’m keeping myself busy with school and work. I’m trying not to sugar coat any of this. I cannot say I won’t have hope but I’m just going to do my best to remain friends.