Instant messaging, how far is too far?

[River_Of_Life]

Hi guys,

I have a long-term friend on CAF. She is married with a number of kids, - I’m male, and just out of college.

Anyway, so we’ve often chatted on an instant messaging program, but yesterday I felt a little uncomfortable with a couple of messages - maybe you guys could help me out.

Firstly, she showed me a picture of her which was a little ‘risque’ - now, according to her it was produced as ART, and it is in black and white. The reason she showed me was because she was angry about what someone had done with the picture, and she wanted to put things into context.

Secondly, I showed her some of my pictures from a recent event with my family.
She said something like ‘if I were young and single, you’d be in trouble ’ and I responded something like ‘well, if you get a time machine, I’ll get you my address’. After sending that, I felt bad immediately, like I had crossed a line, so I said “I’m sorry to your husband”.

Later on she said something like “If my husband sees your photos, he’ll be mad cause he’s a jealous guy”, - up until this point she had no problem telling her husband we were chatting.

NOW, a couple of things to balance things up - after I saw the picture I told her I wasn’t really comfortable with it, and she apologized, and said “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scandalize you, I was just so mad about what happened”

Two, my reaction - ‘well, if you get a time machine, I’ll get you my address’ - was really a joke, I think, I didn’t mean it in any way.

But, I still feel guilty, like I have committed adultery - I don’t place any blame on her.

I do suffer from scrupulosity aswell.

Any help?

 

[saieditor]

Scrupulosity will not help you. Having values from which you will not depart from will. What are your Christian Values, your Catholic Values?

Values are guides to behaviour. They are based on your choices, and your choices are generally based on ontic good … .that is to say, what the mind perceives as good for you.

While you may well have replied to this woman in the name of good fun, it is worthwhile for you to question yourself and consider if your values guided your actions.

If you do that, you would start along a path which would serve you well in life. Ignatian discernment (seeking God’s will) follows a markedly similar path; you could ask yourself “What am I choosing here, and Why am I choosing this?” This will push you back to examining the foundations of your values. Are they Christian values? Are they flavoured, shall we say, by the fruits of the Spirit? Do you have more charity, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, patience, gentility, modesty, self-control and chastity? These are the fruits of the Spirit, all you have to do is look within to see how you feel after doing something. Do you have any of these feelings?

Leading a moral lifestyle, a Christian moral lifestyle is a lot of work, and requires constant reflection on your choices so that your good habits may shape your character over time. That is what the value of self-discipline is, it is self control, self management that has you living in right relationship with God, always seeking his will in every situation.

Drop your scrupulosity and move on to using Christian Values all the time.

 

[rwoehmke]

I am well up in years and have seen acquaintances get into all sorts of moral difficulties by trading “innocent” notes, phone calls, e-mails with a married person on a regular basis. Sure once in a while it is appropriate, but in my opinion a continuous stream of messages over time is more for ones own ego and not the edification of the other. It can lead to all sorts of difficulties and may even put the finishing coup de grace to someone’s marriage.

 

[teachccd]

This calls for a quick, “it’s been nice and good-bye”. At the very least the line is being crossed. Follow your conscience and move away from a married woman who sends you these kinds of pictures regardless of her intentions. You are playing with fire and as the old adage goes: you will get burned…teachccd

 

[River_Of_Life]

Scrupulosity will not help you. Having values from which you will not depart from will. What are your Christian Values, your Catholic Values?

Values are guides to behaviour. They are based on your choices, and your choices are generally based on ontic good … .that is to say, what the mind perceives as good for you.

While you may well have replied to this woman in the name of good fun, it is worthwhile for you to question yourself and consider if your values guided your actions.

If you do that, you would start along a path which would serve you well in life. Ignatian discernment (seeking God’s will) follows a markedly similar path; you could ask yourself “What am I choosing here, and Why am I choosing this?” This will push you back to examining the foundations of your values. Are they Christian values? Are they flavoured, shall we say, by the fruits of the Spirit? Do you have more charity, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, patience, gentility, modesty, self-control and chastity? These are the fruits of the Spirit, all you have to do is look within to see how you feel after doing something. Do you have any of these feelings?

Leading a moral lifestyle, a Christian moral lifestyle is a lot of work, and requires constant reflection on your choices so that your good habits may shape your character over time. That is what the value of self-discipline is, it is self control, self management that has you living in right relationship with God, always seeking his will in every situation.

Drop your scrupulosity and move on to using Christian Values all the time.

Hi, thanks for the response

In fact, your post is slightly uncanny because Ignatian spirituality was one of the first great traditions that I found when returning to the Church.

When reading the post over, it does give a rather negative (or even potentially adulterous? !) impression of the relation between myself and this lady. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth, I consider her a really great friend, and I think she I - and while I know she sometimes laments the fact her husband could do a little more - I also know that there was no ill-intent on her part or mine.

I guess, I am a little afraid that assumed familiarity was a subconscious (or maybe even conscious) attempt at sin.

Although you wouldn’t have guessed from my post, this is really the only thing that has got my scruples up for quite a while now, and I know that many people are probably reading this thinking ‘WHAT? - where is the sin?’, but hey, that’s scruples, and that’s why I came to the forums, because often level-headed Catholics are able to give me a wake-up call.

 

[deb_in_MI]

Later on she said something like “If my husband sees your photos, he’ll be mad cause he’s a jealous guy”, - up until this point she had no problem telling her husband we were chatting.

I agree with the previous post and especially with regard to this statement. These types of activities can very easily turn into sources of contention between married couples and all the more so when there is already an underlying problem. This is dangerous territory…

 

[TLM08]

If your conversations don’t include anything that you wouldn’t say in front of Jesus and her husband you are okay!

But be careful with online chat. It really is playing with fire.

 

[puzzleannie]

if the two of you were co-workers, members of the same parish or other group, would these conversations be out of line? the fact that they are on line should not matter in your answer. i think you know the answer already. there is no occasion, ever, at any time for anyone other than a lady’s husband to see pictures of her that are “risque” whatever that means, and even for a married couple I have a hard time with even the concept of taking pictures of each other that are “risque”.

 

[River_Of_Life]

I am well up in years and have seen acquaintances get into all sorts of moral difficulties by trading “innocent” notes, phone calls, e-mails with a married person on a regular basis. Sure once in a while it is appropriate, but in my opinion a continuous stream of messages over time is more for ones own ego and not the edification of the other. It can lead to all sorts of difficulties and may even put the finishing coup de grace to someone’s marriage.

Well, maybe you are right, although I know that if I EVER got any kind of indication from anyone that they wanted ‘more’ than friendship and were already married, I’d shut off the relationship straightaway. I am SURE that is not the case. This lady is Catholic and married, committed to her husband and family, and (I’m sure) not in the least bit interested, I just wanted to know if I had done any wrong in what I said.

This calls for a quick, “it’s been nice and good-bye”. At the very least the line is being crossed. Follow your conscience and move away from a married woman who sends you these kinds of pictures regardless of her intentions. You are playing with fire and as the old adage goes: you will get burned…teachccd

You know teachccd, if I were reading this as an outsider I’d probably be saying the same thing. But, since I am in the situation, I am sure she is crushed that I have even implied for one second that she had bad intentions. She is the one of the most dedicated mothers I know, and if I’m honest, it probably didn’t occur to her that I would react badly. She has already said sorry several times.

 

[River_Of_Life]

I agree with the previous post and especially with regard to this statement. These types of activities can very easily turn into sources of contention between married couples and all the more so when there is already an underlying problem. This is dangerous territory…

This might well be true, and it made me anxious when she said her husband wouldn’t like it. The last thing I want is for ME to be a source of contention between this lady and her husband.

If your conversations don’t include anything that you wouldn’t say in front of Jesus and her husband you are okay!

But be careful with online chat. It really is playing with fire.

Well, I try and think that Christ is always next to me, which is why I felt so bad when I even suggested something improper, even if it was humorous.

if the two of you were co-workers, members of the same parish or other group, would these conversations be out of line? the fact that they are on line should not matter in your answer. i think you know the answer already. there is no occasion, ever, at any time for anyone other than a lady’s husband to see pictures of her that are “risque” whatever that means, and even for a married couple I have a hard time with even the concept of taking pictures of each other that are “risque”.

Actually the pictures were part of a photo-shoot with a female friend, and she only showed me one, because someone had done something with it that made her mad. Seriously, when you think ‘risque’ it probably gives the wrong impression, most people would see this picture and think nothing of it.

 

[Appleby]

And yet YOU thought there was something uncomfortable about it or you would not have raised the question. Generally when your gut tells you that something is not right, you should pay attention.

I have had the same sort of overtures from a younger man whom I happen to know is married to an older woman who keeps him on a short leash … I greet his remarks with the reply, Now, I know [your wife] carries a gun! He is a business contact who knows everybody in my particular field and something of a gossip, so I have not taken him off my list – but I keep the discussions to business and turn down his invitations because I have a reputation to uphold. You ought to do the same. Unless you want to be named as co-respondent in a divorce some day.

 

[saieditor]

Hi, thanks for the response

In fact, your post is slightly uncanny because Ignatian spirituality was one of the first great traditions that I found when returning to the Church.

Thanks.

When reading the post over, it does give a rather negative (or even potentially adulterous? !) impression of the relation between myself and this lady.

! from me, too. Nothing could be further from my intentions. All I was trying to do was to illustrate how values can influence and guide all our activities in a positive and thorough-going manner. The more you make deposits into your values bank, the more you can turn to it and make withdrawals and rely on it to support you in times of crisis.

In fact, nothing could be further from the truth, I consider her a really great friend, and I think she I - and while I know she sometimes laments the fact her husband could do a little more - I also know that there was no ill-intent on her part or mine.

Of course I know that; your post, however, really illustrated aspects of Ignatian discernment … !

 

[puzzleannie]

Actually the pictures were part of a photo-shoot with a female friend, and she only showed me one, because someone had done something with it that made her mad. Seriously, when you think ‘risque’ it probably gives the wrong impression, most people would see this picture and think nothing of it.

you used the word risque, I didn’t choose it, so you had a reason for your reaction, and you have reason to pose your question here. that should tell you something.

 

[teachccd]

You know teachccd, if I were reading this as an outsider I’d probably be saying the same thing. But, since I am in the situation, I am sure she is crushed that I have even implied for one second that she had bad intentions. She is the one of the most dedicated mothers I know, and if I’m honest, it probably didn’t occur to her that I would react badly. She has already said sorry several times.

Fair enough. My misinterpretation. However, then you should know what you need to do, You seem like you already know. Follow your conscience…teachccd