Interfaith marriage, and raising the children, scenario

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The hypothetical man you speak of would be failing in his promise to the Church to raise his children Catholic by allowing their formation to be delayed and allowing instruction, not just education, in another religion!
save me Jesus:
That is quite the assumption you are making. Speaking for myself, I am very strong in the Catholic faith, and very knowledgable, so much so I am considering teaching the RCIA. A strong faith will be lived out, just not forced on the Children, but taught to the Children. Most times, people who are hostile to the Catholic faith are so because they are fed misconceptions about the faith, and that will not happen here. The kids will not be deprived the fullness of truth, because I will be living it and explaining it and why I believe it.

I realize this whole scenario is not popular with most folks on here, but I do appreciate opinions, ideas, suggestions, thats basically why I am here posting this.
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I am glad that Catholicism will not be forced on your children. I hope you also do not force vaccinations on them before they are old enough to decide for themselves. In fact, why take them to the doctor at all? Children don’t like going there, the doctor gives painful shots and children should be able to decide for themselves.

End sarcasm

How much more important than physical health is a child’s spiritual health? A parent would never propose depriving a child of life-saving medical care. Why do so many parents decide to deny their children from soul-saving beliefs and practices.
 
Jmj

Save Me Jesus! I don’t want to make a long post here… that you might just “skim” over. I just want to say, that I really feel for you – I really do. And I know you want to do the right thing, that comes through loud and clear in your words!

Please know this though… a lot of what these people are telling you is very true. It may seem a little harsh or judgmental, I know… the tone can be difficult to ignore. But, please think about what they’re saying. I’m sort of an “idealistic” kind of person myself and I think I can relate to how you feel. But, there is a GREAT DEAL of potential here for some serious, serious heartache – for both people involved. And when it comes to children… my Lord. It’s a very strong possibility that there will be a lot of sadness and confusion in their spiritual lives… as children and as adults. Truly, I know from experience… feel free to contact me privately if you want to discuss this further.

I don’t know if a conversion is possible (oh if it only were!) – but I have to agree with a lot of what is being said here. It wouldn’t be a big deal if one of you was indifferent about religion, but if you both care about your faith(s)… this is going to hurt. I wish you well my friend.

May the Lord be with you!

Jason
 
In the proposed situation, you raise children who know about faith.

Where parents share the same faith, they have the ability to raise children who know faith.

Big difference -

Also, in your example - you show your children that they can put feelings of romantic love above their faith. Don’t be shocked when one of these kids follows that example “meet my wonderful Wiccan girlfriend, daddy. You showed me that as long as we love each other, that is all that matters…”
 
Matt. 10, 37: “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me”
 
So say this isn’t a scenario, but real life. What is the option when one spouse knows the Truth is in the Catholic Church, but also knows any talk or persuasion of the other will lead to a fight? You should never fight over religion…correct? My husband tells me the male should be the spiritual leader of the family…that that is stated in the bible. He has convinced me that since we are married, that he is responsible for deciding the faith of our children. Obviously if one wants to follow God, divorce isn’t an option. Where does one go from here? I feel like a horrible mother because my oldest son is 7 years old and should be going to first communion classes this year…but my husband won’t allow it, or them to go to church at the Catholic Church. I guess the church part was my idea…I’ve read that taking them to two different churches can cause more harm than good, so I told him I only wanted them going to one from now on (of course I wanted it to be Catholic…but it will not be)
 
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tossolul:
So say this isn’t a scenario, but real life. What is the option when one spouse knows the Truth is in the Catholic Church, but also knows any talk or persuasion of the other will lead to a fight? You should never fight over religion…correct? My husband tells me the male should be the spiritual leader of the family…that that is stated in the bible. He has convinced me that since we are married, that he is responsible for deciding the faith of our children. Obviously if one wants to follow God, divorce isn’t an option. Where does one go from here? I feel like a horrible mother because my oldest son is 7 years old and should be going to first communion classes this year…but my husband won’t allow it, or them to go to church at the Catholic Church. I guess the church part was my idea…I’ve read that taking them to two different churches can cause more harm than good, so I told him I only wanted them going to one from now on (of course I wanted it to be Catholic…but it will not be)
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Where does it say in the bible that the Male is the Spiritual Leader in the bible? I wasn’t aware of that.
 
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1ke:
Exactly. It starts in the home. And, your home would be a divided home. Mealtime prayers-- do you cross yourself or not? Family rosary? Non-existent. Bible study/stories-- which version of the bible do you use? Lent and Advent-- do you observe or not? The list just goes on and on. Are you so blind that you cannot see that your home life can NEVER be centered on living out your faith when there is more than one faith in the house. Parents are the primary educators of their children-- and they will learn by every example you do and do not set.

That is not your role as a father-- to “hope” that they will embrace the faith. It is your responsibility to ensure that they are educated in the faith, attend Mass, receive the Sacraments, and are properly formed. Young children are easily confused. What seems so facile to you is in fact a lifetime challenge for parents. And, all along the way you will have a conflicting set of beliefs undermining what you are trying to teach.

Not to a 5 year old.

Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps the UNtruth in the Protestant faith will be more compelling b/c it is the easier road-- for example, does this faith allow contraception, divorce & remarriage, have a “soft, squishy” version of Jesus? All of these things appeal to the sinful nature of man. Catholicism is the narrow path, least chosen. Raising your kids with exposure to this other path will confuse them, and possibly lure them.

And, based on the state of Cathlic kids raise in fully Catholic households, I challenge that the lies speak louder in society-at-large. And, mixing that with the lies (yes, lies) of the Protestant theology-- well, I think they might drown out the truth. I think the ultimate test here is the kids silent question, “well, if it’s true why doesn’t Mommy believe it?” That is compelling to a child.

They will have a false view of Protestantism as equal to Catholicism. What happens when they put the real question to you and mom-- only one of you can be right, which is it? How will you be a house divided upon itself with you and your wife both claiming what their church teaches is true?

Yes, a competition between spouses in front of the kids-- great idea. You are building your house on sandy soil!

You are setting yourself up for serious heartache and, in my opinion, failure. I think you will have a lot to answer for if you try this approach to raising children in two faiths.
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Interesting post, and food for thought. Thanks. I’m starting to see the full picture, and the potential division in the household. I’m just trying to do the right thing, and it just so happens that the person I want to marry is not Catholic, and has problems with parts of the faith, no matter what she reads or how often they are explained to her…partly because she was brought up with many misconceptions about the faith.

How can I explain more properly to her the importance of raising my kids fully Catholic then, without offending, seeming self righteous, etc. It seems to show an total disrespect for her faith and genuine relationship with Jesus Christ.
 
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mlchance:
In your opinion, based on nothing more than mere guesswork about what the future could possibly hold.

Or, assuming the OP is talking hypotheticals, things could work out quite differently. He could end up happily married with two wonderful children, both being raised Catholic, and then have his prayers further blessed by his wife being received into full communion with the Catholic Church.

Perhaps the only thing sillier than folks seeking relationship advice online from complete strangers is complete strangers giving relationship advice while presuming an air of authority.

– Mark L. Chance.
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Just so you all know, I am not married yet, dealing with Hypotheticals. I want to deal with this now before actually getting married.

Also, Mark, I’m not looking for relationship advice, and I agree, people giving advice on relationships wile presuming an air of authority is sillier…just for the record, the information I’m looking for, I’m getting, and that is things I should think about, scenarios I will come across that I haven’t thought of, etc.
 
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DianJo:
I can speak from experience because I am a Catholic woman married to a Protestant man (Baptist).

I want to let you know that it is NOT an easy road. When we married, I was not really a practicing Catholic and had not had a conversion of heart. I went to Catholic school all my life and took my “faith” for granted. I believed but did so because I was told that’s what I was supposed to believe. Anyway, that’s another story…

In the beginning, we felt that our 2 different faiths would not make a difference. We didn’t even talk much about it and problems never entered our minds…until I became pregnant. I then started to realize that raising my child Catholic was really important to me. I convinced my husband that to raise a small child in 2 different faiths was going to be confusing - at best - and he agreed initially anyway, to raise the child in one faith. I guess, since it seemed to be a little more important to me, he agreed to let me raise our son in the Catholic faith - with the understanding that as soon as the child could reason, he would be allowed to teach him about other faiths. I didn’t have a problem with that - at the time.

In time, I guess about 8 years into our marriage, I had that conversion of heart (Cursillo) and came home to the Catholic Church full force! I did allow our son to attend protestant services - but only after he had attended Mass. That didn’t sit too well the the husband or the in-laws in the beginning but they got used to it. I have fortunately, become so strong in my faith that I insisted on our son receiving all the sacraments on time and going to CCD. My husband didn’t push against it. Why? I don’t know but I’m thankful he didn’t. My son is now full fledged Catholic and I hopefully have instilled in him the love and truth of the Catholic faith.

But, it doesn’t end there. I constantly pray for my husband’s conversion. He’s not anti-catholic but could’ve been. He disagrees vehemently about our beliefs (the common misconceptions even after I’ve tried to explain them to him), he even throws out semi anti-catholic comments occasionally. There were never any family rosaries, no Catholic family prayers being prayed as a family, no Catholic traditions, no attending Mass as a family, no real understanding of the Catholic events in my son’s life. We have tried to have conversations about Catholic beliefs but my husband is so interested in proving Catholic beliefs wrong that our “discussions” turn into screaming matches. So, we have agreed to disagree and we no longer can discuss anything about Catholicism (the kids called these discussions the “Holy Wars” and would leave the house!).

Our family is a split family and I hate it! I long to have my husband next to me at Mass and receiving Holy Communion - and having our marriage blessed in the church - which I don’t think will ever happen but I keep praying. I long for him to be a part of my parish and to be involved with the people I have come to know and love through my parish but it seems that anything Catholic - he steers clear of.

So, if you have not discussed these things IN GREAT DETAIL and she does not realize how strong you are in your faith and that you want the kids to be raised Catholic, then I would suggest you give this some long hard thought and prayer because it is very hard to fight with your spouse about these issues - and there will be fights, trust me! It causes division no matter how much you think it won’t. I have lived with these divisions for 22 years - and I don’t wish this kind of turmoil on anyone.
If you are already married, I would make my intentions known - with the help of a priest in the least confrontational manner possible and find some common ground for your sake and the sake of your children. They will be caught in the middle if you don’t.
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Wow, interesting, thanks. This is part of discussing things in great detail, we are. I’m trying to do the right thing, thats all. Thanks for your insights.
 
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ElizabethAnne:
The hypothetical man you speak of would be failing in his promise to the Church to raise his children Catholic by allowing their formation to be delayed and allowing instruction, not just education, in another religion!

I am glad that Catholicism will not be forced on your children. I hope you also do not force vaccinations on them before they are old enough to decide for themselves. In fact, why take them to the doctor at all? Children don’t like going there, the doctor gives painful shots and children should be able to decide for themselves.

End sarcasm

How much more important than physical health is a child’s spiritual health? A parent would never propose depriving a child of life-saving medical care. Why do so many parents decide to deny their children from soul-saving beliefs and practices.
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I haven’t decided anything, looking for perspective, and I’m getting it. I must admit though, the sarcasm doesn’t help, although I realize you are trying to make a point.
 
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jasonb82abn:
Jmj

Save Me Jesus! I don’t want to make a long post here… that you might just “skim” over. I just want to say, that I really feel for you – I really do. And I know you want to do the right thing, that comes through loud and clear in your words!

Please know this though… a lot of what these people are telling you is very true. It may seem a little harsh or judgmental, I know… the tone can be difficult to ignore. But, please think about what they’re saying. I’m sort of an “idealistic” kind of person myself and I think I can relate to how you feel. But, there is a GREAT DEAL of potential here for some serious, serious heartache – for both people involved. And when it comes to children… my Lord. It’s a very strong possibility that there will be a lot of sadness and confusion in their spiritual lives… as children and as adults. Truly, I know from experience… feel free to contact me privately if you want to discuss this further.

I don’t know if a conversion is possible (oh if it only were!) – but I have to agree with a lot of what is being said here. It wouldn’t be a big deal if one of you was indifferent about religion, but if you both care about your faith(s)… this is going to hurt. I wish you well my friend.

May the Lord be with you!

Jason
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We do both care about our faiths, and thats the problem, precisely. Thanks for your kind wishes, and for sharing your experiences.

God bless you too.
 
Dear save me – often when people are deeply in love, before marriage, they are convinced that religious differences will not divide them.

But when children arrive, even people who think they are not religious become passionate about how their children will be raised. If you are involved with a non-Catholic who is serious about her faith, you would be well advised to clinch this before you marry.

This problem *certainly *will not go away and it is statistically unlikely that the tidy scenario you describe will hold up once children arrive. Holding out for “both” is just confusing (as others have noted) and usually results in indifferentism.

Could you talk her into a season of RCIA – for informational purposes only?
 
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mercygate:
Dear save me – often when people are deeply in love, before marriage, they are convinced that religious differences will not divide them.

But when children arrive, even people who think they are not religious become passionate about how their children will be raised. If you are involved with a non-Catholic who is serious about her faith, you would be well advised to clinch this before you marry.

This problem *certainly *will not go away and it is statistically unlikely that the tidy scenario you describe will hold up once children arrive. Holding out for “both” is just confusing (as others have noted) and usually results in indifferentism.

Could you talk her into a season of RCIA – for informational purposes only?
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Tried the RCIA route, she wasn’t interested as she felt she could get all the information she needed from books and other materials I’d given her.
 
save me Jesus:
Tried the RCIA route, she wasn’t interested as she felt she could get all the information she needed from books and other materials I’d given her.
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Hope that time will solve your dilemma.
 
save me Jesus:
How can I explain more properly to her the importance of raising my kids fully Catholic then, without offending, seeming self righteous, etc. It seems to show an total disrespect for her faith and genuine relationship with Jesus Christ.
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You can’t. That’s our whole point.
 
save me Jesus:
We do both care about our faiths, and thats the problem, precisely. Thanks for your kind wishes, and for sharing your experiences.

God bless you too.
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Someone earlier said “you must be young” in the way that makes young people choke. According to your profile, you are young. I give you BIG TIME points for even putting your scenario up for public scrutiny. You may be “young” but you ain’t blockheaded! God bless you.
 
save me Jesus:
Wow, interesting, thanks. This is part of discussing things in great detail, we are. I’m trying to do the right thing, thats all. Thanks for your insights.
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I’m glad you are talking about this. No one wants to or intends to “put down” another’s faith beliefs but I don’t think there’s any way around that, she will feel that way but do not back down from the truth! If she wants to marry you then she’ll have to accept the truth, too.

One of the biggest problems with Protestants accepting the teachings of the Church is the fact that they do not recognize the authority of the Church. They have trouble believing that Christ’s church is the Catholic Church; that Christ Himself gave the Church her authority and therefore miss out on the fullness of Christ’s teachings.

If she’s not open to the inquiry period of RCIA, just to help her understand then perhaps a book - a brief history of the Church or the early church fathers, to show her how and what the early church actually believed and practiced. Not to convert her but just to show her why you think it’s so important for the kids to know the whole truth and not just part of it.

There’s no getting around what you have to do - it’s gonna be hard and those of us who are living through it are trying to tell you - this is hard for me to admit but…if I had been then where I am now, spiritually and strong in my convictions about the Catholic faith, I probably would not have married my husband 22 years ago(assuming he didn’t want to budge off his convictions either). I do know, that, God forbid, if anything ever happens to my husband, I will not marry another non-catholic, if I remarry at all!

Anyway, that’s how serious it is!
I pray for you and your decision - it will be a hard one and I hope you can both stand up to the challenge.
 
DianJo said it the clearest of all. If you proceed with this, one of you will have to “give in” and that in itself could harbor resentment. If you are in the Church for the long haul, (I pray that you are) your best bet would be to run. Run as fast as you can. You will be setting yourself up for years of heartache. Marriage is tough enough already. I had this conversation with my wife before we married. Neither one of us had that “conversion of heart” either at that point, but we both agreed that we were Catholics (to the best of our ignorant abilities). I would not have married someone who was not Catholic. When the children came along, they went to Catholic school. Thank God our “conversion of heart” did take place and we are now full time confirmed Catholics. It’s a wonderful thing. How bitter of a pill it would have been if I would have to attend Mass alone.
 
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mercygate:
Someone earlier said “you must be young” in the way that makes young people choke. According to your profile, you are young. I give you BIG TIME points for even putting your scenario up for public scrutiny. You may be “young” but you ain’t blockheaded! God bless you.
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Actually, my profile is wrong, I’m not young, mid to late 20’s. Thanks for your compliments. During this whole experience dating a non catholic and being exposed to Protestant belief/misconceptions of the Catholic faith, is what brought about my conversion of heart.
 
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