Interfaith marriage, and raising the children, scenario

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mercygate:
Someone earlier said “you must be young” in the way that makes young people choke. According to your profile, you are young. I give you BIG TIME points for even putting your scenario up for public scrutiny. You may be “young” but you ain’t blockheaded! God bless you.
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Actually, my profile is wrong, I’m not young, mid to late 20’s. Thanks for your compliments. During this whole experience dating a non catholic and being exposed to Protestant belief/misconceptions of the Catholic faith, is what brought about my conversion of heart.
 
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DianJo:
I’m glad you are talking about this. No one wants to or intends to “put down” another’s faith beliefs but I don’t think there’s any way around that, she will feel that way but do not back down from the truth! If she wants to marry you then she’ll have to accept the truth, too.

One of the biggest problems with Protestants accepting the teachings of the Church is the fact that they do not recognize the authority of the Church. They have trouble believing that Christ’s church is the Catholic Church; that Christ Himself gave the Church her authority and therefore miss out on the fullness of Christ’s teachings.

If she’s not open to the inquiry period of RCIA, just to help her understand then perhaps a book - a brief history of the Church or the early church fathers, to show her how and what the early church actually believed and practiced. Not to convert her but just to show her why you think it’s so important for the kids to know the whole truth and not just part of it.

There’s no getting around what you have to do - it’s gonna be hard and those of us who are living through it are trying to tell you - this is hard for me to admit but…if I had been then where I am now, spiritually and strong in my convictions about the Catholic faith, I probably would not have married my husband 22 years ago(assuming he didn’t want to budge off his convictions either). I do know, that, God forbid, if anything ever happens to my husband, I will not marry another non-catholic, if I remarry at all!

Anyway, that’s how serious it is!
I pray for you and your decision - it will be a hard one and I hope you can both stand up to the challenge.
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You make a lot of good points, it’s a big decision, and I have been praying and praying and praying. I think this is why I’m even exploring this so indepthly rather than just blindly moving forward.
 
posted by save me Jesus
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They get married in the Catholic church, catholic man signs promise to do his best to raise his children Catholic, has them baptized, etc. Children go to Christian non catholic school, attend both churches, and is raised with loving respect of both faiths. Holy Communion and Confirmation are delayed until the child is mid teens
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Respectfully, the Catholic man is not fulfilling his promise if he does this. Delaying the sacraments is not something a Catholic parent does in order to “let them choose for themselves”.

The Catholic man is only fulfilling his promise if he bring the kids only to Mass, gets them the sacraments at the proper time, and lets them choose to leave the faith they have been fully formed in if they choose to as adults.

The Catholic man is just lying to himself to think otherwise.
 
save me Jesus:
Actually, my profile is wrong, I’m not young, mid to late 20’s. Thanks for your compliments. During this whole experience dating a non catholic and being exposed to Protestant belief/misconceptions of the Catholic faith, is what brought about my conversion of heart.
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Oh my, me, too! It was because of my protestant husband who questioned me constantly about why Catholics do such and such. I was mortified when I discovered I didn’t have the answers - That’s just what I was taught to believe! After my Cursillo - when my husband says that it was then he knew that I was SAVED - I have been like a straving child, I can’t get enough of learning about my faith! I thought if I knew more about my faith and could explain it to him, then we’d be fine in the religion dept! Wrong! It didn’t work that way. In the meantime, I have become strong and sure in my love for Christ and His teachings but it did nothing for his beliefs…I just keep praying!

Oh and BTW - YOU ARE YOUNG!!! HAHA! No offense, it’s great but you have so much more to experience and learn - so much to live for!
 
I have gone through the RCIA issue with my ex girlfriend (Lutheran), and in my opinion, if she loves you, it is NOT too much to ask.

We ended our relationship because of her unwillingness to at least attend a class one night a week WITH ME THERE to learn about the thing I love the most.

True love would do this, in my opinion. now we had other trust issues as well, but RCIA was the final straw.

Tough situatio man, i feel you, but don’t hedge. From everything everyone has told me (who are married and FAR more knowledgeable than I), you’ll regret it.
 
Let me give you another perspective on this whole situation. My father’s family was Catholic until my grandfather met and married a divorced woman back in the 1910s. In Catholic New Orleans this was a big scandal! My father’s mother had a daughter by her previous marriage. My father’s father’s sister was a friend of my maternal great aunt (follow the connections here, please). So, the entire Catholic side of the paternal side of my father’s family “excommunicated” my father’s father and his family. WWII comes along and after the war my father meets my mother. My mother’s maternal aunt (my grandmother’s sister) and my father’s aunt (on the Catholic side of the family) grew up together. By the late 1950s, early 1960s this had not been resolved so, on All Saints Day, my maternal great aunt would take my brother, sister, and myself acrosss the cemetary to meet our paternal great aunt at my father’s ancestor’s tomb. My mother would never ask my father to convert. In the long run, after VII Daddy attended Mass with us and was ultimately buried within the context of a Mass by a priest.

My father was the one who drove me to serve as an altar boy at all those 6 am Masses pre-VII. My father worked two jobs to put my brother and sister and myself through Catholic grade school and Catholic high school. So, sometimes a marriage between a Protestant and a Catholic can work, It is entirely dependant upon the person.
 
I’d say those that work WELL are the exception, NOT the rule though.

If you want to be completely pragmatic about it though, look at it this way. if you had to bet a month’s salary based solely on statistics of success/failure, would you? Odds say “no way.”

Now you can say “we are different, we’ll make it work.”

But EVERYONE thinks they are different. How many people go in thinking " man, this will never work…"

I am only telling you what the majority of couples will tell you. I am not married, so I have no inside information much like yourself.

But don’t let feelings of “love” blind you to reality…
 
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mlchance:
In your opinion, based on nothing more than mere guesswork about what the future could possibly hold.

Or, assuming the OP is talking hypotheticals, things could work out quite differently. He could end up happily married with two wonderful children, both being raised Catholic, and then have his prayers further blessed by his wife being received into full communion with the Catholic Church.

Perhaps the only thing sillier than folks seeking relationship advice online from complete strangers is complete strangers giving relationship advice while presuming an air of authority.

– Mark L. Chance.
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Your right I don’t know the future. But I do think that you have to look at the possible consquences of a decision. Your right she could convert and the kids could be Catholic that’s the best of all possible worlds.

But that’s not necessarily what is going to happen, and if Save me were to marry her in hopes that she would convert well that’s a disaster waiting to happen. I’m thankful Save me didn’t use those words. You should never marry someone hoping that they would change.

The fact that his kids won’t come out Catholic Mark, is a big possibilty. This type of marriage would require a lot of compromise. What it means is that Save me would not be doing everything possible to see to it that his children would be Catholic.

I have a family that is half nothing/half Christian and frankly its hard. Now Save me is better of in that she’s a Christian. But would his wife be able to accept him as the Spiritual head of the home? A lot of interfaith marriages don’t work very well. It can be hard for the kids to see either faith important if mom and dad don’t agree on something like that but don’t see it as a deal breaker.

I’m just saying for me, I realize I won’t be able to control any of my kids future religious choices when they are grown up. But I want to myself to do anything in my power to see to it that they become raised in the Catholic faith. It’s one of the reasons I decided to convert myself because I want a faith that will hold on for my children and Grandchildren. Faith especially the Catholic faith is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, and your child’s not going to be getting all of it. Scripture says that children are to be trained up in the path, they should go so they will not depart from it when they are older. There’s a lot in the path, his kids won’t be getting.

Honestly, my feeling is that if Save me was comfortable with this decision than he wouldn’t be asking this particular board the opinion.

Yes, Chance your right it may work out the very absolute best possible scenario. But it might not work out that way either. I think if anything Save Me should at very least give the relationship more time. If he was sure about this marriage, He wouldn’t be askign complete strangers whom he’d knew would react this way, these type of questions.

I just think that people treat marriage now adays and they only look at externals but there’s far more to it than that. Your going to be basically stuck with that person as a partner for the rest of your lives. This type of decision should be approached very wisely. And you need to be aware of the persons fault and be willing to live with the worst. Like the real possibilty the kids because of this decision won’t be Catholic.
 
hey Beklac, I’m FAR from sure about it, your 100% correct there. I also know that in my thinking, I am being somewhat blinded by love however in looking for a way to make this work maybe against my better judgement. It helps to get peoples perspectives, and their insights to the potential problems we would face.

By the way, this has everything to do with the children, and nothing to do with converting my future wife.

I’m thinking that yes, this CAN work, but it is difficult at best, and there is lots to consider that maybe I have been missing.
 
I think about the children is correct. But children is an important part I think of a future marriage. Whoever your marrying is the future parent of your possible child and you need to be careful about that.

I knew that you weren’t interested in making her convert. I was more responding to Chance because I was saying his Maybe she’ll convert is a dangerous possibility.

I actually do/did know a couple who married intefaith. He was Methodist, She Catholic. He’s actually a music minister. I don’t know how they are doing now. But I do know they dated for like four/five years before the two of them married. They had already found a way to make the different faith thing work amongst themselves. She use to come to communion services with us at the Wesley Foundation (although wouldn’t take communion) He would go with her to mass every Sunday night. By the five year period (they dated in college and in high school) I think they were able to discern wether it was right for them or not.

Are you both attending each other’s services already? I’d suggest if you were going to do something like marry interfaith, their should be a very long courtship period. Still I don’t think its an “ideal” situation myself, but I could be wrong.
 
I have what I consider to be an excellent marriage – 34 years together last summer. I am married to the greatest person on earth. Yet there were times – sometimes months on end – actually years – when our relationship was seriously troubled, and the ONLY thing we had going for us was God, our commitment to our vows, and that hour of “forced” reconciliation on Sunday mornings.

Most marriages go through periods when one or both of you are ready to call an attorney (hopefully not at the same time!). That hour on Sunday morning can make *all *the difference, and it is something you will forfeit in a mixed marriage.
 
I don’t necessarily think you forfeit an hour in Sunday together if the couple was doing what the people I knew were doing. They were going to both services together. I think it would be hard once the kids came, but if a couple makes a habit like that, God can still be the center of their marriage/relatioship like God seemed to be very strongly the center of my friend’s relationship.

But if he’s not comfortable going to services with her, and she’s not comfortable going to mass with him. Especially if she’s got miisconceptions about Catholicism than it will be hard.
 
About the services/mass, I know we will be split on that. I don’t feel the protestant service is anything more than a feel good session with the sermon making or breaking the entire service. The songs are great, and people are warm, but its all about the “guest speaker”. It’s not that I don’t feel comfortable in that service, I don’t feel it is enough BIBLE and it’s defintely not comparable to our worship of him in the Eucharist.

We would always be split on this I’m sure.
 
Save Me,

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I wrote that had I known then what I know now about my Cathollic faith, I may not have married my husband. I want you to know that we are a very happily married couple. We have our ups and downs and nothing is ever perfect in this world but all in all, we are happy.

What I am trying to get across to you is that YOU WILL HAVE TO COMPROMISE ON YOUR CATHOLIC FAITH, make no mistake. You won’t speak up about something when you should because you don’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings or because you don’t want to start a “discussion” (aka fight). You’ll let some things slide when you otherwise shouldn’t. You’ll want to start some Catholic tradition and your wife won’t want to because she doesn’t agree with the theology behind it and you’ll agree not to do it. You’ll want to have your children make their First Communion and your wife will think that it is not necessary. You’ll want them to go to confession and your wife will say that a priest is not necessary to confess sins. She won’t understand about wanting your children confirmed - no need for that! The list goes on and on.

She’ll disagree with everything about the Catholic faith and about educating the children in the Catholic faith because she thinks all you need is to love Jesus and accept Him into your heart as your Lord and Savior and everything else is extra - unnecessary and will see no need to teach your children “that extra stuff.” This part of your marriage will be strained and you will be very sad about it.

My husband and I have made our marriage work because we love each other and we would fight to the death for each other but…when it comes to our faith - we cannot even have a civil discussion about it because he attacks and I won’t talk to him about it when he attacks, so…we just can’t talk about it.

Do you want a piece of you to be off limits in your marriage? I don’t, but that’s the way this part of our marriage goes. We both have a deep love of Jesus but it’s a little contradictory if you can’t love Jesus together in your marriage - we both love Jesus but we can’t go to Him together - how whacked is that?

You may be happy and love your wife but it’s very possible that this part of your marriage will be extremely strained and as I said before, your kids will be caught in the middle of it all - how do you explain this to your children? It’s very hard for them to understand, at least when they are young and you’re trying to teach them about love and unity (HA!) “Unity - what unity, you and mom don’t even go to the same church!” Like I said, its’ contradictory. I’ve been through this with my son and it was very hard to get him to understand why he couldn’t go to the Baptist church without first going to Mass and he hated going to church twice on the weekends! Now, he is almost 19 and he understands but that’s a long time to wait for understanding with the hope that he “got it.”

Just something to think about.
 
it is not the marriage I am worried about, it is the kids. Interfaith marriage, not neccessarily a problem. I am sooo happy in mine, I couldn’t imagine a better “fit”. But we have three teen kids, and there are 5 different faiths in my household.

If passing on YOUR faith is important to you, interfaith is not the way to go. The marriage may be fine, but the kids will not accept your faith as the only one true faith, they will only see it as one of many options.

cheddar
 
Save me,

Is your beloved willing to practice NFP? That could be a big factor for both of you.
 
Also, if her only reason to avoid RCIA (informationally) is because she can learn on her own, you have to MAKE SURE she does.

To me, that sounds nice, but will she really read the books, the Catechism, whatever, you giver her? Will she do her own homework?

If she isn’t that motivated about the Catholic Church, this desire to learn WILL fade. Even her feelings for you will not sustain this.

RCIA doesn’t sound like too much to ask for an interfaith couple.
 
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mercygate:
Save me,

Is your beloved willing to practice NFP? That could be a big factor for both of you.
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Oh, we’ve come across this already, and she is on ABC but for regulating reasons (without getting too graphic). We are also remaining chaste until marriage, and that is a promise we both made to eachother.
 
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DianJo:
Save Me,

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I wrote that had I known then what I know now about my Cathollic faith, I may not have married my husband. I want you to know that we are a very happily married couple. We have our ups and downs and nothing is ever perfect in this world but all in all, we are happy.

What I am trying to get across to you is that YOU WILL HAVE TO COMPROMISE ON YOUR CATHOLIC FAITH, make no mistake. You won’t speak up about something when you should because you don’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings or because you don’t want to start a “discussion” (aka fight). You’ll let some things slide when you otherwise shouldn’t. You’ll want to start some Catholic tradition and your wife won’t want to because she doesn’t agree with the theology behind it and you’ll agree not to do it. You’ll want to have your children make their First Communion and your wife will think that it is not necessary. You’ll want them to go to confession and your wife will say that a priest is not necessary to confess sins. She won’t understand about wanting your children confirmed - no need for that! The list goes on and on.

She’ll disagree with everything about the Catholic faith and about educating the children in the Catholic faith because she thinks all you need is to love Jesus and accept Him into your heart as your Lord and Savior and everything else is extra - unnecessary and will see no need to teach your children “that extra stuff.” This part of your marriage will be strained and you will be very sad about it.

My husband and I have made our marriage work because we love each other and we would fight to the death for each other but…when it comes to our faith - we cannot even have a civil discussion about it because he attacks and I won’t talk to him about it when he attacks, so…we just can’t talk about it.

Do you want a piece of you to be off limits in your marriage? I don’t, but that’s the way this part of our marriage goes. We both have a deep love of Jesus but it’s a little contradictory if you can’t love Jesus together in your marriage - we both love Jesus but we can’t go to Him together - how whacked is that?

You may be happy and love your wife but it’s very possible that this part of your marriage will be extremely strained and as I said before, your kids will be caught in the middle of it all - how do you explain this to your children? It’s very hard for them to understand, at least when they are young and you’re trying to teach them about love and unity (HA!) “Unity - what unity, you and mom don’t even go to the same church!” Like I said, its’ contradictory. I’ve been through this with my son and it was very hard to get him to understand why he couldn’t go to the Baptist church without first going to Mass and he hated going to church twice on the weekends! Now, he is almost 19 and he understands but that’s a long time to wait for understanding with the hope that he “got it.”

Just something to think about.
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Got it, thanks for this.
 
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