Interfaith Marriage Help

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I am in an interfaith marriage and would appreciate some advice. This is going to ramble and drag a bit. Sorry…

My wife is a wonderful person and very faithful to God. We married when she was 41 and she was still a virgin. I love my wife but I don’t know how much more I can take. She is a great wife regarding faithfulness, but when it comes to faith I have to admit we have almost nothing in common. I am beyond distressed. As I write this she is on the phone with her mom and her mom’s “group” praying. They are “Charismatics” and I can hear the yelling and the crying upstairs. I don’t want to put down how other people worship but I am having a VERY difficult time accepting what seems to me to be so over the top and emotionalism/show. No intention to insult but I am really having a hard time with this.

I am having a very difficult time because we did not marry Catholic. Reason: after going through the Catholic requirements we were at the 6th months. I got a job offer that required moving within three weeks and when I went to the church to schedule the wedding in the chapel, I was told that my birth certificate needed to be resent. I was born in Cuba and this would have taken a good while.

Frustrated, I agreed to be married in what was supposed to be a simple court wedding and then have the marriage consolidated, but right before the wedding my wife and her family invited a “pastor”. Right or wrong I felt really pressured and went through with it.

To put things in perspective my wife was born Catholic but when she was a girl her and her mom and sisters were turned into some type of Hispanic non-denominationals.

I went through quite a bit before this. My wife refused to marry in the Catholic Church, then wanted her mom, who is a “pastor” to share in the ceremony with the priest, then later agreed to do it Catholic if it was in the chapel.

A “pastor” friend of the family tried to convince me not to marry in the Catholic Church because it would “hurt” her mom. When I asked how it was that one of her sisters married a Jew and this was OK (nothing against Jews, just asked because of the obvious double standard) I got silence.

I was sat down and this “pastor” produced three bibles and tried to convince me that Peter was not “The Rock”. He was unsuccessful. Let me say that I enjoy discussions of this type, but I found it insulting to be asked “If I can show you that Peter was not the rock, would you stop being Catholic?” I replied “If I can show you that he was the rock, would you become Catholic?”
I got a nervous chuckle with no answer. I probably should have walked out but I am glad I didn’t because I got to show him that he could not prove his personal view.

Anyway…

In the many years I knew her before she was my wife I was always interested in her faith. I offered to go with her, but she always refused. She lent me some CDs and DVDs and I listened/watched them. She invited me to various “gatherings” and I went, including one time to Benny Hinn (yes) and twice to some Argentinian self proclaimed prophet who “speaks in tongues” but always the same nonsensical phrase.
 
PART 2 of 2

When I gave her Catholic information though, she never had time to read it or listen to it. I once made her twelve CDs of Catholic information and she would not listen to them. And when it came to mass it was always a problem. I mean, there was attempts at getting me to stop going to mass on Sundays so I could go to some protestant non-denominational thing with her and her sister. When I said no it was a huge argument.

It has gotten a little better, but it is VERY awkward.

A big problem is that I feel a lot of resentment. Now she will go to mass if I go to one of her things, but that is something I find insulting since the person who continuously was open minded was me. And her “meeting” could be one group one week, another the next, etc.

But I have had it with the non-denominational/Pentecostal/etc. thing. I’m sorry but I just can’t stomach it anymore. I can’t take the yelling and the show, and the false teachings. I can’t stand the bizarro logic and madness. I mean, when some “preacher” goes on an hour and a half trade on how important unity is and quotes Jesus on it, and then goes on to tell people to go to whatever “church” they like!!! I feel like Mugatu in Zoolander: “DOESN’T ANYONE NOTICE THIS!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!”

I have heard everything from “the key to salvation is speaking in tongues” to “Jesus didn’t say to follow the Apostles, He said to Follow Him”, to all sorts of other things.

So honestly I’d rather got to mass alone than have to sit through that stuff. I just find it beyond offensive.

And I have tried to speak about this stuff but it’s like they brainwashed her and its always an answer “You can’t put God in a box”. “It’s about love”. “It isn’t right to judge”.

If I get passionate I get called an extremist or a radical. Keep in mind that I have NEVER told these people that their faith is wrong, but they feel a right to say that to others.

I can’t even take communion since we aren’t really married through the Church, so it’s been about two years since I had communion.

When we were planning on getting married and she refused going through the Catholic Church I explained how important the Eucharist was to me. It made no difference.

I don’t know what to do anymore. She loves me and has helped me a lot. And I love her too, but honestly I feel very distant now. We don’t really talk of faith matters at all. I just don’t want to argue and it always turns into an argument. It’s like the premise is “sure, let’s talk”, and everything is ok as long as nothing is challenged on her side.

She finally agreed to listen to the Mike Cumbie CD I bought three years ago. We got through the first two hours and will listen to the final third on our next road trip. She thought it was good and I was hopeful, but honestly it seems she sees it as just another preacher. I mean, she will listen to just about any preacher. It’s like faith relativism. If he says “Jesus” it’s good. Like there is no discerning.

I want to be respectful but honestly when I have gone to the Protestant services, particularly the non-denominational ones and especially the Hispanic ones (I am Hispanic as well) it just makes me angry.

Let me stress that before I met her I wandered from the Catholic faith, and I was never well educated in it in the first place. I went to all sorts of meetings. I have had deep conversations with Jehova’s Witnesses, non-denominationals, even went to a Mormon event in a huge temple in Phoenix, AZ. The more I delved into all these things the more I saw that there is ONE Church and that it is the CATHOLIC Church!

I can’t stand the yelling and the twisting of scripture and the same thing every single time-the rehearsed talk and the sales pitch for the “tithe”. It’s to the point where we get into arguments because I can’t help but get noticeably angry at these things. I just feel beyond insulted that my wife has been so willing to go to ANY denominational “meeting” and go into what seems like almost ecstasy listening to these people twisting scripture, but the ONE place that is uncomfortable is the CATHOLIC Mass!!!

And in family gatherings they go into the yelling, the crying, the falling down. I’m sorry but I just can’t stand it anymore. I literally feel anger in these situations now. I can’t help but think of it as emotionalism. And I can’t accept “speaking in tongues” when everybody utters the same sounds that Argentinian guy always makes!!!

It’s my fault in the end I guess for allowing myself to get pulled into this situation, but I really thought it would change. I really thought that if I sacrificed and married outside of the Church she would see I gave and be open to change and care about my faith (her former faith as well!). But it just seems like there is no resolution.

She is a caring, wonderful person and loves me beyond doubt, but there is this chasm between us when it comes to faith that just seems to get wider and wider and the other side may go out of view. There is a lot more but I’d have to write a book.

How long can something like this continue? I feel lost.

I guess, in the end, I can ask you all for prayers.
 
I would suggest maybe finding someone you both respect that may mediate and offer some ways you both can find peace. It could be through an agency like the Family Service Association or other agency.
 
Please be assured of my prayers. I would probably feel the same way you do. Have you talked to a priest about this? If your wife won’t go with you, you should still strongly consider talking to a priest one on one and get his advice.
 
I would say that the two of you both need to agree stop making religion a wedge.

She needs to stop trying to convert you, and vice versa. You go to Mass , and let her go meetings AND STOP TRYING TO SHOVE EACH others belief system down the other person’s throat.

The two of you are married now. It doesnt give either of you the right become spiritually domineering over the other.
 
My friend, you need to talk to a professional counselor about this. You say that she loves you but she seems to be determined to fundamentally change you. This needs to be resolved.
 
You need non- religious counselling (to avoid any sense of favoritism…) . Praying you can find peace.
 
My advice will likely not be popular, but it is my advice and I will give it.
  1. You made the same mistake so many others make: failure to see what is right in front of your face. Believing instead that what you are seeing is not “really” her and everything will magically change to how you want it to be once you are married.
  2. You did not marry validly. You know this.
  3. You don’t mention children. Are there any?
  4. Go talk to your priest. Your options are convalidate or separate. If you cannot convalidate the marriage, then separate and legally divorce. (There are many indicators in your two posts that convalidation is not the option for you).
 
1ke said:
My advice will likely not be popular, but it is my advice and I will give it.
  1. You made the same mistake so many others make: failure to see what is right in front of your face. Believing instead that what you are seeing is not “really” her and everything will magically change to how you want it to be once you are married.
  2. You did not marry validly. You know this.
  3. You don’t mention children. Are there any?
  4. Go talk to your priest. Your options are convalidate or separate. If you cannot convalidate the marriage, then separate and legally divorce. (There are many indicators in your two posts that convalidation is not the option for you).
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It may not be popular, 1ke, but your advice is the correct one; unfortunately. I hope and pray there are no children yet; that would make separation so much easier. Sometimes we choose to love people who are not compatible; in some instances BECAUSE they’re incompatible.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
My friend, you need to talk to a professional counselor about this. You say that she loves you but she seems to be determined to fundamentally change you. This needs to be resolved.
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He has known her (including her very clearly stated religious views and practices) for well over a decade. Back in 2013, when they were engaged, he was writing posts almost identical to this. Honestly, if anyone is trying to fundamentally change someone else, it would seem to be the OP, no?

OP - as 1ke says, in the eyes of your church, you are not married. So her listed options are the cold, hard truth from the legal side.

Whatever you decide with respect to your practice of religion/continuing your civil marriage, I would strongly encourage you to participate in individual counseling to explore a variety of issues. Does the fact that she gave you a place to live when you were unemployed and living in a car in the middle of winter create some sort of dysfunctional bond/obligation? Why have you not taken her at face value, when she has been telling you for over a decade that she is committed to her religious practice/beliefs? If even a hint of the derision you voice is spilling into your home life, who could blame her for not wanting to be a part of what you’re demanding?

I don’t know, there seem to be a lot of issues roiling beneath the surface here. Bottom line, you are not going to guilt her into becoming RC, you are not going to argue her into your faith. Perhaps a visit with your priest…not to look at “her problems”, but to look at your own Christian walk, is in order.
 
Warning: this is going to be blunt.

Your marriage is in serious jeopardy here. I’m going to skip the “you should have thought this through” lecture, because none of that matters anymore. What DOES matter now is this: are married to a person whom does not share beliefs with you, and you need to accept that her beliefs are not going to change. You have two choices: A) accept that and try to make the marriage work, or B) if having different beliefs is a deal breaker for you, then you need to divorce.

Option #1: accept that her beliefs are different and try to make the marriage work. The key to making an interfaith marriage work is mutual respect. Right now, you do not respect your wife at all-- and don’t try to say “I respect her, but not her beliefs”, because as long as you’re describing her as “brainwashed” you have zero respect her as a person. To make this work you got to:
  1. Acknowledge that her beliefs are not going to change. Accept this and give up trying to change her.
  2. Respect her and her beliefs. Note: I didn’t say agree with her on any front, but you MUST respect. She is NOT “brainwashed”. The man whom leads her church is not a “pastor” but a Pastor (even if he teaches that pigs fly).
  3. Separate yourself from the things about her church which drive you crazy. Protect your sanity.
  4. Protect her sanity and your relationship by stop inviting her to Mass. She can come when/if she is ready, but you asking “are you ready YET?” is just going to destroy your relationship.
  5. Quit arguing about theology. If you cannot find a point to agree on first, then rest of it will just be a fight.
  6. If (that’s big IF) you guys somehow repair your respect and relationship enough to the point where you can stably talk about spirituality, I would suggest doing so by reading basic Bible 101 chapters just the two of you (not at either church), and sharing your thoughts. Start with the very basics and stay there for quite a while.
Option #2: If having different beliefs is a deal breaker for you, then you need to divorce. Pretty self-explanatory.

(This all coming from the Mormon married to an Evangelical)
 
1ke said:
My advice will likely not be popular, but it is my advice and I will give it.
  1. You made the same mistake so many others make: failure to see what is right in front of your face. Believing instead that what you are seeing is not “really” her and everything will magically change to how you want it to be once you are married.
  2. You did not marry validly. You know this.
  3. You don’t mention children. Are there any?
  4. Go talk to your priest. Your options are convalidate or separate. If you cannot convalidate the marriage, then separate and legally divorce. (There are many indicators in your two posts that convalidation is not the option for you).
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It may be possible to for him to have his marriage rendered valid in the Church even without his wife consenting to it, via radical sanation - is that correct? (ETA: She obviously has to be consenting to continue in the marital life, but her consent is not needed for the radical sanation, right? That’s what I was asking.)
 
jane_doe said:
Warning: this is going to be blunt.

Your marriage is in serious jeopardy here. I’m going to skip the “you should have thought this through” lecture, because none of that matters anymore. What DOES matter now is this: are married to a person whom does not share beliefs with you, and you need to accept that her beliefs are not going to change. You have two choices: A) accept that and try to make the marriage work, or B) if having different beliefs is a deal breaker for you, then you need to divorce.

Option #1: accept that her beliefs are different and try to make the marriage work. The key to making an interfaith marriage work is mutual respect. Right now, you do not respect your wife at all-- and don’t try to say “I respect her, but not her beliefs”, because as long as you’re describing her as “brainwashed” you have zero respect her as a person. To make this work you got to:
  1. Acknowledge that her beliefs are not going to change. Accept this and give up trying to change her.
  2. Respect her and her beliefs. Note: I didn’t say agree with her on any front, but you MUST respect. She is NOT “brainwashed”. The man whom leads her church is not a “pastor” but a Pastor (even if he teaches that pigs fly).
  3. Separate yourself from the things about her church which drive you crazy. Protect your sanity.
  4. Protect her sanity and your relationship by stop inviting her to Mass. She can come when/if she is ready, but you asking “are you ready YET?” is just going to destroy your relationship.
  5. Quit arguing about theology. If you cannot find a point to agree on first, then rest of it will just be a fight.
  6. If (that’s big IF) you guys somehow repair your respect and relationship enough to the point where you can stably talk about spirituality, I would suggest doing so by reading basic Bible 101 chapters just the two of you (not at either church), and sharing your thoughts. Start with the very basics and stay there for quite a while.
Option #2: If having different beliefs is a deal breaker for you, then you need to divorce. Pretty self-explanatory.

(This all coming from the Mormon married to an Evangelical)
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I agree.

You say she is not respecting your faith, but you are not respecting hers.

She only wants to discuss faith when she can be right, and you want to prove to her that you are right.

1ke also has very good advice. You should talk to your Priest about your options.

Lou
 
1ke was correct though I have to wonder why religion was not so important to you both when dating.
 
Lot’s of good advice, and you all make some very valid points. Thank you.

I can’t think of what to write at the moment. I have a lot on my mind but can’t write it. Lot’s of conflict.
 
Marie5890 said:
I would say that the two of you both need to agree stop making religion a wedge.

She needs to stop trying to convert you, and vice versa. You go to Mass , and let her go meetings AND STOP TRYING TO SHOVE EACH others belief system down the other person’s throat.

The two of you are married now. It doesnt give either of you the right become spiritually domineering over the other.
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Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

She isn’t really trying to convert me as far as I can see-it’s more like her point of view is this relativistic version of Christianity: Christ is love and nothing else really matters too much. She sees structure in such things as too much control.

I have suggested we go to our own place, but this upsets her. I have been at fault for being visibly uncomfortable at her events (her in mine too but less so). I don’t do it with bad intentions, but some of these things just get me upset. I just can’t stand the sermons and the dog and pony show. Sorry if it upsets anyone but I am just being honest. It’s so obviously rehearsed and copied from the televangelists. Everything from the way they stress words to things like walking around in a ruckus, waving around a handkerchief… it’s like it was taken out of some cheap televangelist broadcast. And the false teachings just get me livid at this point.
 
If your wife gets upset when you don’t join her, and upset when you don’t enjoy her church services, then you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her that she needs to respect your feelings and not get bent out of shape if you don’t go.

If that’s not acceptable, then tell her you will only go to hers if she comes to yours.

And then pray a lot. If it’s this much of a conflict, then you all need counseling. CHRISTIAN (not secular) counseling.
 
Part 1

It’s been a while since I wrote about this. My apologies if it seems I have ignored all the good advice and opinions. I haven’t.

I find myself in a situation so stressful and depressing that I can’t describe.

I procrastinated having our marriage convalidated-honestly because I wasn’t sure if I want to stay in it any longer. I’m willing to fight to keep the marriage, but not to bicker and argue incessantly.

We got married in a hurry when I got a job offer that required moving a long distance in less than a month. We went through the Church and the six months (with lots of resistance) but when I went to the office to schedule the wedding in the chapel, the lady said “Oh, you have to get new birth certificates because the ones you turned in are old.” This would have taken weeks at least since we were baptized in foreign countries hostile to the Church.

We agreed to marry secularly and then consolidate in the Church-I made that clear-that I needed to take the Eucharist. Then the day before the wedding it became an invited friend who was a “pastor”. I didn’t like it but we had agreed to consolidate the marriage and I didn’t want to be a jerk. A couple of good friends warned me that she may not stick to her promise.

We wound up getting married in a park with that pastor, and honestly it just did not feel right. But she was happy and that made me happy, and I knew we would consolidate with the Church later.

It’s been just a struggle ever since.

If I try to speak about faith issues and I try to make a case for the Catholic faith it becomes an argument. Just asking “Why don’t you believe the Eucharist is literally Jesus?” during a conversation about it resulted in being yelled at and called a “radical extremist”.
It’s like we can talk about faith as long as I don’t defend mine or try to explain to her.
I remember one time getting criticized because I wanted to know what the pope actually said instead of accepting what something she read stated.

So I have been so depressed that I have procrastinated convalidating the marriage. Let me just say that she considers it sufficient to just pray at home and read the bible. I’ve gone to her meetings in the past and I just can’t stand the “charismatic” “pentecostal” yelling and the emotional outbursts, and seeing so many Hispanics that were once Catholic being sucked into that chaos. And watching her getting into it just has gotten to the point that my blood boils. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a different group each time. It doesn’t matter when one time the “pastor” says the only way to be saved is to speak in tongues, and another time another “pastor” says “jesus didn’t say follow my disciples, He said 'follow me”. The errors don’t matter. The contradictions don’t matter. So long as they yell out “Jesus” and fall to the ground it’s all good. But talk about the Catholic faith and I better be “loving” and gentle and be real real careful how I word things because otherwise it’s a major issue.

Honestly the last straw for me was at a meeting with the Hispanic preacher yelling and jumping and waving the handkerchief around, putting on a show that was just a shameless imitation of televangelists. He gives a twenty minute speech about the need to give, then passes out the donation basket. Then he goes into talking about how Jesus prayed for unity. He actually starts equating going to different “churches” with unity. And I just start looking at all these former Catholics nodding and being led into this and my blood began to boil. I regret this because she became very upset since I was obviously very upset due to my body language. But I just can’t stand the false anymore, and I can’t stand her going along with it and not making any effort, and even resisting, the faith that she once was a part of and that I am a part of-and that I have expressed wanting to share.

Anyway, the delay to convalidate has been my fault out of being weak, because I just wanted to avoid more and more arguments, and then it became wondering if this was worth it. And now I feel like I have fallen so far away and am so weak.
to be continued…
 
Part 2

The other day I went to see a priest about the convalidation and he gave me two days/times he could meet with us this week. This is also important because I have to go away for a few months soon. I asked and it bothered her, and I got “I have to work/I’m busy/I’m tired”. Then I brought it up sitting together which resulted in yelling. Reminder that we agreed to this before we got married resulted in more yelling and storming off.

A couple days later I texted her a reminder/question about it. No answer.
I brought it up again: same excuses.

Today was one of the days the priest had open and it didn’t happen. Tomorrow is the other day. She was discussing our blessings and everything was nice, but when I brought up if we can go tomorrow evening to see the priest… instantly the yelling, the indignation.

Me trying to explain that it’s just to discuss what we need to do resulted in more yelling, accusations that it’s all about me. Being tired. “I don’t even know this Father ____?!”

Saying again that we had agreed on this over two years ago resulted in more yelling, being told I am expecting her to remember that, that I am throwing this at her at the last minute…

So I just lost my temper, which I regret because it’s like dealing with a child-getting upset results in nothing but them getting a chance to get worse and then blame you for losing your temper.

I’m at my wit’s end. I find it so unfathomably inconsiderate and disrespectful for her to KNOW the importance of this, that I need the Eucharist and that I explained it, and for this to still happen. I’m trying to reason it through but before we got married, when she was refusing to be married Catholic (wanted a “pastor” to also do the ceremony with the priest) I explained how absolutely essential the Eucharist is and that I would be without it for at least a year if we got married secular. All I got was that it was about me. So in the end I guess I have to blame myself I guess. I feel awful.

To make t worse, on the other hand she is the most giving, caring person. It’s like dealing with two different people. We can be at peace and out of the blue it’s a firestorm. It’s like she is totally devoted and loyal on one hand, but when it comes to opinions and faith it’s like dealing with an egocentric person. She compliments me a lot, but we are rarely intimate. I have talked about it and I get the “I’m trying” but nothing changes. And now I am feeling more and more resentment. And whenever we have a disagreement it gets somehow turned back on me. If I point out she’s doing something wrong, it’s “So that’s how you see me.” If I tell her not to realize when complaining that she does the same thing I get “So you’re comparing yourself to me?” It’s like there is absolutely no reasoning.

Humorous but sad, I think of this scene:
youtube.com/watch?v=fmFMFzXN0js

Sorry for the rant. Just needed to vent. I feel so down. I used to imagine us going to *** and holding hands, praying, kneeling, taking the Eucharist, discussing matters of faith… I feel little hope and lots of despair. Even a great opportunity that I believe God has provided is seems pointless, though I know it isn’t. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest-it feels kind of scary because it seems erratic sometimes when this stuff happens. I have pain sometimes in my chest and left arm. I got dizzy just a few minutes ago.

Please pray for us both. I feel hopeless. I have stopped going to mass. I don’t pray much anymore. I want to fix myself. Please pray. Please pray that I get guidance. That we get guidance.
 
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