Interfaith marriage

[traceyscott1106]

I am a cradle Catholic and my boyfriend is Baptist. For short background, my whole family is Catholic and my parents take the religion very seriously. As for my siblings and I, we attend church every Sunday and love God dearly but are more relaxed when it comes to appreciating and respecting people of other faiths. My boyfriend’s family has only converted into the religion a little over 10 years, the family is very devoted and they are very strict in their ways.

We are reaching the point in our relationship where my bf and I would like to take the next step and discuss marriage plans. We have agreed to keep our own religion and I will attend Catholic mass on Saturday and as a family we attend the Baptist service on Sunday. I will do everything in my power baptize our kids and share my faith with the children when they come into the picture. As soon as we brought up the idea, the two families entered into a religious conflict. My father said that I must get marry in a Catholic church, and my bf’s family strongly opposed, saying that they will not attend if that is the case. My family yielded further by saying that we can get a dispensation for us to exchange our vow in a Baptist church, but the priest must be present in. My bf’s dad wouldn’t have that either. He strongly suggests that my bf and I enter this marriage on the same page. If a priest or anything Catholic-related is present at the ceremony, that is already a house divided.

I am so torn because it is important to me that my marriage is sacramental. In addition to that, my parents will have it no other way unless I fulfill my obligations as a Catholic. They are already unhappy that I want to marry someone that’s not Catholic. My bf’s father will not yield even though my bf and I both are in agreement about having a Catholic wedding. The two families both suggest that we end our relationship because if we can’t agree on the same religion now, more problems will arise later. My bf and I love each other very much and we really want this to work out. We respect each other’s differences and want our marriage the love that we have for God. Please offer me some advices.

 

[1ke]

I will do everything in my power baptize our kids and share my faith with the children when they come into the picture.

Does your boyfriend agree to baptizing and raising the children Catholic? Does he understand all of what that means-- Catholic religious education,Catholic sacraments, Catholic Mass. You must make this promise in order to receive permission to marry a non-Catholic, and he must truly understand what this obligation means.

As soon as we brought up the idea, the two families entered into a religious conflict. My father said that I must get marry in a Catholic church, and my bf’s family strongly opposed, saying that they will not attend if that is the case.

I would suggest that you and your boyfriend may be naive to think that these sorts of differences and problems will not greatly impact your marriage. We don’t choose our family, but unless you are prepared to completely remove them from your lives you will be dealing with major issues throughout your marriage, especially when children enter the picture. This is a big red flag.

My family yielded further by saying that we can get a dispensation for us to exchange our vow in a Baptist church, but the priest must be present in. My bf’s dad wouldn’t have that either.

It’s not really up to your parents or his as to where or how you get married. It is up to them only whether or not they will participate. You and your boyfriend seem to be getting a lot of orders from your parents. How old are you? Perhaps not old enough to be considering marriage if neither of you can tell your parents to zip it.

He strongly suggests that my bf and I enter this marriage on the same page. If a priest or anything Catholic-related is present at the ceremony, that is already a house divided.

Boyfriend needs to tell his parents to cool it. If he can’t or won’t, he’s not ready to be a husband yet. And, if he agrees with them, he’s not the husband for you.

I am so torn because it is important to me that my marriage is sacramental. In addition to that, my parents will have it no other way unless I fulfill my obligations as a Catholic.

Same for you: you are not ready to be a wife if you are not ready to tell your parents to cool it.

As a Catholic, YOU should be the one wanting it no other way than to be a valid, sacramental marriage and to fulfill your obligations to God through the Catholic Church.

You can of course do both of these things properly and still be married in a non-Catholic ceremony by dispensation. But is that what YOU want?

They are already unhappy that I want to marry someone that’s not Catholic. My bf’s father will not yield even though my bf and I both are in agreement about having a Catholic wedding.

Again-- it’s not up to him where or how you get married. Boyfriend needs to put his foot down.

The two families both suggest that we end our relationship because if we can’t agree on the same religion now, more problems will arise later. My bf and I love each other very much and we really want this to work out. We respect each other’s differences and want our marriage the love that we have for God. Please offer me some advices.

Mixed marriages are very hard. Make an appointment to talk to your pastor, who has the experience and wisdom to give you guidance.

The much bigger issue I see here is not the mixed marriage but the parental dominance and interference that neither of you has addressed.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with 1ke. These are decisions for the couple to make. If they are going to try to run their household in a way that keeps the inlaws happy, that essentially hands all important decisions over to veto by the parents, they’re not ready for marriage. The Lord said the same: that is, in marriage a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

I had a non-Catholic boyfriend once, and went to evening Masses for awhile in order to go to his church to hear his group do the music. I would heartily recommend not making that your lifelong plan. A) It is very time-consuming, and B) it poses the temptation to become a connoisseur of churches. The latter is the worse of the two, but both could be off-putting to all but the most “religious junkie” children. Two liturgies at the same church–a situation where EVERYBODY goes to both–would be far less onerous, but going twice when everybody you know at both churches only goes to one is actually isolating, strangely enough. You don’t feel as if you fully “belong” at either place. Think carefully before deciding the arrangement will feel different than that to you.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Here are certain Catholic beliefs that will be a problem, if you haven’t discussed this already…

1. Catholics believe that Jesus gave us His Body and His Blood in the Eucharist. If you do not eat my flesh and drink my blood, you do not have life within you.
   What will you do when children come along? Either this is true, or it is not. If daddy does not believe this, how will the children believe it?
2. Going to a priest for confession.
   This is the ordinary way that Christ set up for the forgiveness of sins and being reconciled with God while in this life. If children don’t see daddy reverently waiting in line to go to confession, how will the kids believe it? Yet this is how we break our slavery to sin and live life abundantly in God.
3. Our blessed mother and the saints.
   As difficulties come in life, and there’s no end to them, what would we do without the intercession our the blessed mother and the saints to help us? What would we do without our cheering section while we are in the game of life, taking hits, falling behind in the score? There’s nothing like the example of a father who knows to shut the tv off and pulls out the rosary. There is power in the rosary and it might take a crisis before realizing how we need this prayer.
4. The pope as the father of the universal Church.
   We don’t have to worry if our pastor has it right or not. We stand on the rock of Christ Himself by being the in Church that he gave us. When 2 pastors disagree, who decides? We don’t have to worry about that, and Christ gave us the Church so we can have confidence.
5. Artificial contraception
   We believe that God designed marriage and family life to be lived a certain way. Protestants have widely accepted the pill and sterilization as normal, and Catholics have not. If you think there’s nothing wrong with those things, let’s visit what the pill has brought to the world since it’s been widely accepted.

a) A huge number of people who live in poverty are young women with babies that have been abandoned by boyfriends. Sex is meant to be between a couple that is married and committed to the relationship. The pill has taken away the fear of pregnancy and yet we have an explosion of pregnancies! This is not God’s plan for women and children.

b) Since the pill has arrived, well guess what, the ‘need’ for abortion has skyrocketed! Millions of babies killed. This is not God’s plan for women and children.

c) Not only has sexually transmitted diseases exploded in number but in the types of diseases you can get now. If only we would follow God’s plan for marriage and family life, this would not even be an issue. But guess what, there is a huge amount of population now who are infected with sexually transmitted diseases. This was never God’s plan.

d) Because of the pill, young men of dating age seem to think they are entitled to sex from their girlfriends. The dating time is when a person needs to remain chaste and sober as they consider their boyfriend/girlfriend to be their life companion. As soon as sex is involved, it’s like they can’t think straight any more. Once the hormones are engaged, young ladies seem to overlook all kinds of red flags. This is because God designed sex to be within the context of a married couple, it’s the super glue to help them stay married over difficult times. This super glue, applied before it’s time, is why people enter marriages that never should have been. They ‘wake up’ some years down the road and wonder what the heck they were thinking. By then, children are involved. Divorce is epidemic. This is not how God designed family life and marriage.

This is why the Church was right in what it taught about family life and marriage. We stand on the Rock of Christ. How can you build a marriage when it’s divided in such important matters right from the start?

Wishing you the best as you work this out. God bless.

 

[Memaw]

I am a cradle Catholic and my boyfriend is Baptist. For short background, my whole family is Catholic and my parents take the religion very seriously. As for my siblings and I, we attend church every Sunday and love God dearly but are more relaxed when it comes to appreciating and respecting people of other faiths. My boyfriend’s family has only converted into the religion a little over 10 years, the family is very devoted and they are very strict in their ways.

We are reaching the point in our relationship where my bf and I would like to take the next step and discuss marriage plans. We have agreed to keep our own religion and I will attend Catholic mass on Saturday and as a family we attend the Baptist service on Sunday. I will do everything in my power baptize our kids and share my faith with the children when they come into the picture. As soon as we brought up the idea, the two families entered into a religious conflict. My father said that I must get marry in a Catholic church, and my bf’s family strongly opposed, saying that they will not attend if that is the case. My family yielded further by saying that we can get a dispensation for us to exchange our vow in a Baptist church, but the priest must be present in. My bf’s dad wouldn’t have that either. He strongly suggests that my bf and I enter this marriage on the same page. If a priest or anything Catholic-related is present at the ceremony, that is already a house divided.

I am so torn because it is important to me that my marriage is sacramental. In addition to that, my parents will have it no other way unless I fulfill my obligations as a Catholic. They are already unhappy that I want to marry someone that’s not Catholic. My bf’s father will not yield even though my bf and I both are in agreement about having a Catholic wedding. The two families both suggest that we end our relationship because if we can’t agree on the same religion now, more problems will arise later. My bf and I love each other very much and we really want this to work out. We respect each other’s differences and want our marriage the love that we have for God. Please offer me some advices.

If you think it’s tough now, just wait till after the wedding and the kids start coming. I had a friend who hated it when his daughter married a Catholic boy in the Catholic Church , he wouldn’t go, let alone walk her down the isle. He cried when she had their first baby baptized Catholic. He would disown her if she ever became Catholic. She was sooo torn. His wife was not so strongly stubborn. But in a few years it was enough to destroy the marriage. Love does not always conquer. And the kids usually suffer most, one way or another. God Bless, and a Holy, Blessed New Year. Memaw

 

[angell1]

i agree with everyone else who has posted above.

if your catohlic faith is important to you, these are very serious issues that you have to think about and also discuss with your boyfriend.

and no one is opposing your marriage or anything like that, it’s just that interfaith marriages are probably the most difficult and once you have children, this diffuculty will multiply exponentially. on the other hand, perhaps God is using you to bring your bf to the church. you never know. and it’s not about being lax with respecting others beliefs, everyone should be doing that. but this is your marriage, your future and your children’s future and salvation that we are talking about. your parents concerns are valid and if your fil already doesn’t want anything remotely cahtolic to be part of the wedding, that’s a red flag. but most importantly, what does your bf think about all this.

and i think bringing your children to two different churches is going to be really difficult and will just confuse them. there is a good chance they will wind up with no faith at all. it’s not impossible but it’s hard. i willpray for you

 

[HB11]

Here are certain Catholic beliefs that will be a problem, if you haven’t discussed this already…

1. Catholics believe that Jesus gave us His Body and His Blood in the Eucharist. If you do not eat my flesh and drink my blood, you do not have life within you.
   What will you do when children come along? Either this is true, or it is not. If daddy does not believe this, how will the children believe it?
2. Going to a priest for confession.
   This is the ordinary way that Christ set up for the forgiveness of sins and being reconciled with God while in this life. If children don’t see daddy reverently waiting in line to go to confession, how will the kids believe it? Yet this is how we break our slavery to sin and live life abundantly in God.
3. Our blessed mother and the saints.
   As difficulties come in life, and there’s no end to them, what would we do without the intercession our the blessed mother and the saints to help us? What would we do without our cheering section while we are in the game of life, taking hits, falling behind in the score? There’s nothing like the example of a father who knows to shut the tv off and pulls out the rosary. There is power in the rosary and it might take a crisis before realizing how we need this prayer.
4. The pope as the father of the universal Church.
   We don’t have to worry if our pastor has it right or not. We stand on the rock of Christ Himself by being the in Church that he gave us. When 2 pastors disagree, who decides? We don’t have to worry about that, and Christ gave us the Church so we can have confidence.
5. Artificial contraception
   We believe that God designed marriage and family life to be lived a certain way. Protestants have widely accepted the pill and sterilization as normal, and Catholics have not. If you think there’s nothing wrong with those things, let’s visit what the pill has brought to the world since it’s been widely accepted.

a) A huge number of people who live in poverty are young women with babies that have been abandoned by boyfriends. Sex is meant to be between a couple that is married and committed to the relationship. The pill has taken away the fear of pregnancy and yet we have an explosion of pregnancies! This is not God’s plan for women and children.

b) Since the pill has arrived, well guess what, the ‘need’ for abortion has skyrocketed! Millions of babies killed. This is not God’s plan for women and children.

c) Not only has sexually transmitted diseases exploded in number but in the types of diseases you can get now. If only we would follow God’s plan for marriage and family life, this would not even be an issue. But guess what, there is a huge amount of population now who are infected with sexually transmitted diseases. This was never God’s plan.

d) Because of the pill, young men of dating age seem to think they are entitled to sex from their girlfriends. The dating time is when a person needs to remain chaste and sober as they consider their boyfriend/girlfriend to be their life companion. As soon as sex is involved, it’s like they can’t think straight any more. Once the hormones are engaged, young ladies seem to overlook all kinds of red flags. This is because God designed sex to be within the context of a married couple, it’s the super glue to help them stay married over difficult times. This super glue, applied before it’s time, is why people enter marriages that never should have been. They ‘wake up’ some years down the road and wonder what the heck they were thinking. By then, children are involved. Divorce is epidemic. This is not how God designed family life and marriage.

This is why the Church was right in what it taught about family life and marriage. We stand on the Rock of Christ. How can you build a marriage when it’s divided in such important matters right from the start?

Wishing you the best as you work this out. God bless.

 

[Lorelei12]

I agree with everything 1ke said. If you and your boyfriend are in agreement about having a valid, sacramental marriage and he agrees that you will raise your children as Catholics, what either set of parents wants is irrelevant. Personally, I would discontinue discussing the issue with either family, since they have demonstrated that they cannot respect a decision the two of you are making as adults. If you are married and they choose not to attend, as difficult as that would be, that’s their choice.

You are seeing now a little bit of what it would be like to be married into his family, and I’d be really concerned if I were you. It sounds like your family is at least willing to accept your choice provided that you get a dispensation. His family’s insistence on not attending simply because a priest would be there is just a taste of what you will get, should you choose a lifetime of dealing with them. They will have opinions about everything you do- where you live, how you raise your children, everything. So if the two of you want to stay together, it’s imperative that you get on the same page about how you are going to deal with your families and what behavior you will and will not accept from them.

The best course of action for you right now is for you and your boyfriend to meet with a priest and talk with him about it. He may even be willing to meet with your boyfriend’s parents if they are open to it. But whatever you do, make it clear to both sets of parents that this is not something they have a choice in, should you decide to marry.

 

[Kal2012]

1. You can break up
2. You can have a Catholic wedding and accept the fact that there will be tension between your family and the new FIL.

Intermarriages can work, but you have to understand that there will be conflict and if you can’t deal with the conflict before the marriage, then how will you deal with it during the marriage?

1. As a former Baptist, it would be really confusing for your future children to go to Mass on Saturday and ‘church’ w/the family on Sunday.

Depending on how strict the Baptist sect is, there could be a lot of conflicts w/the theology and way they present the gospel. As others have brought up - the Eucharist is a huge difference. There’s a huge difference between a symbol and the actual blood and body of our Lord.

Some of the stuff w/artificial contraception is actually quite similar (especially in conservative Baptist circles), but depending on the sect, things like no drinking, smoking, gambling, TV, cards, drugs could easily come up as issues. (Beliefs on these vary widely among Baptists.) Dress codes are something that are similar to both Catholic and Baptist schools. I grew up in an ultra-conservative church that emphasized the hell and damnation part of the Bible, not the grace and mercy part of the Bible. I don’t know what your BF believes, but it sounds to me like FIL comes from this kind of tradition (based on what you’ve said - which is why he’s going to have a hard time with anything Catholic. A lot of ‘old-school’ Baptists are very anti-Catholic.)

I find that I say to that type of person, “well, we’ll figure out who’s right or wrong when we get to heaven. Then again, we probably won’t care that much once we are with Christ.” People really don’t know what to do w/that. Which is exactly why I like to say it. For guys like your FIL, being ‘right’ is a huge deal and he believes that Catholics are very ‘wrong.’ There’s really not much you can do or say to change that kind of person. It just might be better if FIL isn’t at the wedding, if the two of you really want to get married.

Also, there’s also a huge emphasis from a young age for kids to have a "personal’ relationship with Jesus. Which sounds innocuous by itself, but I don’t see the same kind of peer pressure in Catholic circles to be ‘saved’. Salvation is a process, not a one-time event. So, again, another major difference that you’ll have to deal with.

I hope that something I said helps you and others. Remember that the man is supposed to leave his parents and start his own household. If BF’s able to stand up to future FIL and have the Catholic wedding, then he’s a keeper (in my estimation anyway).

 

[sscott]

If your Catholic religion is so important to you, then marry a Catholic. I have read enough articles on this site to know that you are not supposed to attend a non Catholic church on a regular basis. The wedding itself is the easy part. You have already stated you will attend the Baptist church as a family on Sunday. How can you raise Catholic children under these circumstances? You may think you have a lot in common with your boyfriend, but look at all the disagreements that have transpired and you are not married yet. If you want Catholic children raised in a Catholic household then find a like minded man to marry. It will make one large area of your life a lot simpler.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

shop.catholic.com/catholicism-and-fundamentalism.html

Buy him (and them) this book and do a study. Tell them you’d be willing to do a study on a book of his/their choice as well afterwards.

 

[Xantippe]

Lorelei12 said:

“You are seeing now a little bit of what it would be like to be married into his family, and I’d be really concerned if I were you. It sounds like your family is at least willing to accept your choice provided that you get a dispensation. His family’s insistence on not attending simply because a priest would be there is just a taste of what you will get, should you choose a lifetime of dealing with them. They will have opinions about everything you do- where you live, how you raise your children, everything. So if the two of you want to stay together, it’s imperative that you get on the same page about how you are going to deal with your families and what behavior you will and will not accept from them.”

Yeah–brace yourself for having your future ILs browbeating you about going to their church, covertly proselytizing your children, refusing to come to First Communion, Confirmation, etc. The wedding won’t be the end of this, just the beginning, especially if you manage to have children. This could easily lead to a situation where you have very limited contact with your future in-laws.

This is a real character test for your boyfriend with regard to leaving and cleaving. The price may be more than he is willing to pay. Pay close attention to how he deals with this, but give him the moral support he needs.

I expect that long term, one of you will convert, or one or both of you will become more lukewarm in your practice. It is sweet for you to attend each others churches, but it’s not really practical long-term (particularly not once you have kids).

traceyscott1106 said:

“If a priest or anything Catholic-related is present at the ceremony, that is already a house divided.”

I believe it is possible to have a dispensation for a wedding outside of a Catholic church, but your in-laws’ reasoning for this is terrible. I would hesitate to have a 100% Baptist wedding, just because I wouldn’t want to leave your future in-laws believing that they’ve won this round and are positioned to win further inter-faith rounds.

It might be helpful for the boyfriend to explain some of Catholic theology of marriage to his parents (maybe share a book or brochure?). It may be helpful for them to understand that in the Catholic understand, it isn’t the priest marrying you–the marriage occurs due to you making a promise. Hence, if you were on a desert island with no priest at all, you could validly marry. In some ways, the Catholic approach to marriage may be less “clerical” than their Baptist one.

I would offer to have the reception at their church as my big, shiny concession. (Remember that Baptists are very big on community and FOOD.) If you have a nice reception, it could help them save a lot of face in their community (which is presumably one of the things that is worrying the future in-laws).

You may wish to reserve some of your cash gifts for marriage counseling, not because I foresee trouble between the two of you, but because I feel pretty certain that you will need help in charitably managing your future in-laws.

Moving further away (if you’re a little too close) may be a good idea.

 

[Xantippe]

As the veteran of some family engagement drama, I would encourage the OP to try not to get swept up into the drama, but to keep thinking hard during the engagement process about whether or not your fiance is a suitable future husband. The engagement period can be really rough (ours definitely was), but both of you need to stay focused on building a good future marriage. There are so many distractions trying to pull us away from thinking about what is truly essential.

 

[EasterJoy]

As the veteran of some family engagement drama, I would encourage the OP to try not to get swept up into the drama, but to keep thinking hard during the engagement process about whether or not your fiance is a suitable future husband. The engagement period can be really rough (ours definitely was), but both of you need to stay focused on building a good future marriage. There are so many distractions trying to pull us away from thinking about what is truly essential.

Based on things learned here, I’d say the OP ought to look very closely at how her fiancé deals with pressure from his parents. Do not expect that exchanging vows will change this, for better or for worse. It might, but that is not the way to bet.

 

[DonW3232]

I was going to give you a long answer, but everyone beat me to it. Excellent responses, especially 1ke, Memaw, PennyinCanada, Sscott, and angell1.

Tracy, this is going to be some tough medicine, but it may very well spare you a lifetime of heartache. As much as I strongly oppose inappropriate meddling by parents and in-laws in their children’s marriages, I would have to heartily agree with your parents and his parents when they suggest that you end the relationship.

You’ll be in my prayers.