Interfaith marriages?

[Scout]

Scout,

I’m glad you have found a way to make your marriage work, and I know you love your spouse. So, please do not take offense at my response to your above comment.

“Living in peace” seems such a minimal goal (especially someone in the OP’s situation of not yet married). The real goal should be to work together, shoulder to shoulder, for the Kingdom and each other’s salvation.

I don’t want to just “live in peace” with my spouse. I want to be actively engaged in the faith, actively forming my children, actively Catholic. That simply isn’t possible with a mixed faith marriage.

Perhaps what I believe is “living in peace” is different than what you do. However, it is possible to be actively engaged in the fath while being married to someone outsde the Catholic Church. My marriage is proof of that.

So, please don’t say that it isn’t possible in a mixed marriage, because it is. My marriage is proof of it. Is it easier if both spouses are Catholic-absolutely. However, it is not impossible.

Scout

 

[GhostMan]

I can tell you from experience that inter-faith marriages are but shadows of strong marriages bonded togething in a family of faith. My marriage started out the latter and is now the former. When my wife left the fullness of the faith for another it changed the dynamics of our marriage in so many ways - none of them good. I don’t blame her for where our marriage is now; it takes two to in every aspect of it, but I do know that has driven a wedge between us that cannot be removed.

When people are devout in their faith, so much of their lives is devoted to elements of that faith. Not being able to share that together is almost like not being able to share something as wonderful as sex. When a guy says that, take note.

If you are not both equally yoked your marriage will be unbalaced. A lifetime is long and many things change over the course of two lives. Starting out so hampered does not bode well for a healthy marriage.

I mourn daily for my marriage. Consider carefully before proceeding. There is very little chance you will be happy down the road.

 

[1ke]

Perhaps what I believe is “living in peace” is different than what you do. However, it is possible to be actively engaged in the fath while being married to someone outsde the Catholic Church. My marriage is proof of that.

So, please don’t say that it isn’t possible in a mixed marriage, because it is. My marriage is proof of it. Is it easier if both spouses are Catholic-absolutely. However, it is not impossible.

Scout

It isn’t possible for both spouses to work together actively in the Faith if they aren’t both of the same faith. It isn’t possible for them to work actively together in the religious formation of the children if they aren’t of the same faith. It isn’t possible for them to be actively Catholic together if they aren’t of the same faith.

That is what I meant by standing shouler to shoulder working for the Kingdom.

“Living in peace” means – you do your thing, I’ll do mine.

 

[Scout]

It isn’t possible for both spouses to work together actively in the Faith if they aren’t both of the same faith. It isn’t possible for them to work actively together in the religious formation of the children if they aren’t of the same faith. It isn’t possible for them to be actively Catholic together if they aren’t of the same faith.

That is what I meant by standing shouler to shoulder working for the Kingdom.

“Living in peace” means – you do your thing, I’ll do mine.

Well, then I used “living in peace” incorrectly.

And I’m sorry that you view it as “impossible” to be working together in the faith if you belong to different churches. However, it is not impossible. I know because my husband and I do it. You may not view it as probable, but don’t tell me it’s impossible. By doing so, you’re telling me my marriage is a fraud and it isn’t. Are you suggesting that you know my marriage better than I do?

Scout

 

[GhostMan]

And I’m sorry that you view it as “impossible” to be working together in the faith if you belong to different churches. However, it is not impossible. I know because my husband and I do it. You may not view it as probable, but don’t tell me it’s impossible. By doing so, you’re telling me my marriage is a fraud and it isn’t. Are you suggesting that you know my marriage better than I do?

Wow, that was some interesting reading into other people’s words there. First of all, no one is saying that it is impossible to work together in “the faith”, where the faith means Christanity as a whole. The poster said it is impossible to work together in the “Catholic faith” when only one is Catholic. That’s kind of true by definition, right? Also, no one even hinted that your marriage is not valid. That’s a red herring that you’re thowing out in an attempt to make an emotional appeal.

The advice that the OP was asking for was about whether she should enter into a marriage in this state; we’re not saying that an existing marriage in this state is one that should be considered a fraud.

I can speak from experience about the sorrow of a mixed marriage, you seem to have another experience. That’s good, it all feeds into the data that the OP can use to make her decision. Starting shouting matches based upon inferred readings is not going to help, though.

 

[beckers]

Lily, This is a bad idea and the Church discourages mixed marriage.

Since you are both “devout” this, to me, spells double trouble. The two churches do not teach the same thing on so many topics, especially the moral ones.

You will have serious issues regarding children-- remember as a Catholic you must baptize and raise them as Catholics.

How will you explain these differences to them? How will you avoid confusing them? How can your husband be the spiritual head of the household when he holds to beliefs incompatible with the Catholic faith?

Think about fast and abstinence days, Holy Days, Mass every Sunday, family rosary and prayer time, moral issues such as contraception, and the confused message you will send to any children.

I suggest you find a devout Catholic who shares your faith, your values, and your practices and who wants to raise up children in a united household.

Yes, you will get many posts on here about how it “worked” for someone, but that does not mean it’s a good idea or that it will work out for you. Sometimes it only “works” because neither spouse is very devout or one spouse is irrelgious. When both are devout, that is a sign of sure trouble.

I think you should reflect on the fact that knowingly going in to a mixed marriage is unwise. You cannot predict the future. **One day he may up and change his mind about the children’s relgious upbringing-- especially when the future kids become REAL kids. And, God forbid you get divorced and dad refuses to take the kids to Mass on “his” weekend. **

Mixed marriage is so fraught with issues, and marriage is hard enough when you are united in faith, practice, belief. Don’t add extra burdens and perils right out of the gate.

Consult your pastor, but I think your apprehension says that you already in your heart know this is a bad idea.

What about if you die? Will your husband take care to raise your childern catholic or would he let religion slide to the wayside?

 

[He_Man]

What about if you die? Will your husband take care to raise your childern catholic or would he let religion slide to the wayside?

My mother used to emphasize this point to me (I seriously dated a non-Catholic for a long time). It is so very true.

If you are unable to raise your children for medical reasons, or heaven forbid, are no longer living, who will raise your children as faithful Catholics? Now this is my personal belief, but I believe we will be held accountable for the spouse we choose. If we make decisions based on our feelings rather than God’s will in our lives (and I am not implying all those in interfaith marriages did this per se, but I almost did, and many do), we will have to answer for that decision. Choosing a fellow parent for your children is the most important decision we will ever make.

The bible (Corinthians 6:14) also talks about the problems of being unequally yoked. When marriage is difficult enough for most of us, why invite unecessary problems into it?

I saw my ex girlfriend make many promises about the Catholic faith, and over time, she slowly began to back pedal and I realized that often, people will say anything until the time comes to put up or shut up. I broke things off because I realized she was not the Catholic partner God intended for me, and it was not easy. However, I met my fiance on catholicmatch.com, and being able to share my faith with a strong Catholic is the greatest gift our Lord has given me. I thank God daily that I waited for the person He truly intended for me to marry.

My advice is look for someone who shares your faith, not someone who tolerates it. Your spouse’s job is to help you get to heaven, not to be an anchor on your journey there. It is difficult to do that if they can’t help cultivate a garden of Catholicism in your home.

 

[JohnnyK]

To answer the OP’s question, yes, an interfaith marriage can work. I am in one and have been married for 28+ years. My marriage is as strong or stronger than my sister’s and she married a Catholic!

Now, even though I am in an interfaith marriage that is working I have to tell you that my marriage is the exception rather than the rule (there is at least one other forum member in a similar marriage and that one is 38 or 39 years and going strong) as a result of this I do not recommend anyone do so.

I do recommend that you start praying about it, long and hard! No marriage should be entered into lightly and interfaith adds another dimension that is not always predictable! Talk with your Priest or Spiritual Advisor. Pray before the Blessed Sacrament, attend Mass more often than just on Sundays!

Brenda V.

Congrats on 28 years! we have been married 18 years, my wife is Jewish. There are tough times with an interfaith marriage, but it can work if both parties want to make it work. I don’t think you can rationalize how it can/cannot work–it depends on the personalities involved.

 

[sixeyes]

Ultimately, only you, who know your prospective fiance the best, can answer this question. I agree with others who have said that it CAN work, but is more difficult. And you need to go into it with open eyes, clear expectations, and a lot of communication-- about specifics.

Yes, you will get many posts on here about how it “worked” for someone, but that does not mean it’s a good idea or that it will work out for you. Sometimes it only “works” because neither spouse is very devout or one spouse is irrelgious. When both are devout, that is a sign of sure trouble.

I speak from experience-- I was married to a devout Presbyterian for 15 years before his recent conversion (praise God!) to the Catholic Church. Yes, we were BOTH devout and serious about our faith(s). Did I pray daily for his conversion? Yes. Would I have preferred that we were of the same faith? Yes. But the fact is that I fell in love with this tremendous man who brought me closer to Jesus (yes, he brought me closer to Jesus in the Church), and this tremendous man was a Protestant.

My DH was a devout Protestant, but very respectful of the Catholic Church. We agreed fully on all of the moral issues, and he agreed to practicing NFP (yes, we talked about this before marriage). We talked about how to raise children in detail-- and he agreed to raise them Catholic. We didn’t stop there, though-- “raising them Catholic” didn’t mean just baptizing them in the faith; it meant baptizing and catechizing them. To that end, he attended Mass with us but then went to his own service as well. The children (3 of them) attended catechism only at the Catholic church. They attended Mass only, not his service (with rare exceptions). We prayed together frequently as a family, and DH prayed often with the kids alone. We fasted during Lent together.

I don’t mean to imply that it was easy-- it certainly was not, especially when it came to the Eucharist (which is ultimately what drew him to the Church). But I firmly believe we both received many graces from our marriage, interreligious though it was. Our success, though, was predicated primarily on my husband’s attitude- he understood what it meant for me to “raise the kids Catholic”, and he was committed totally to that. If you sense that your boyfriend is wavering on this issue, or fear that he might change his mind once kids actually come along, take another look at the relationship. It is also important that you do not go into a marriage like this with the expectation that he will convert someday-- this can lead to a great deal of animosity and struggle when/if you see that this is not happening.

Many blessings to you. I will pray for you.

 

[rinnie]

go for it. if you love him and he loves you and he respects your religion, and agrees to the kids being raised catholic then it should work. then rely on GODS grace to see you thru. and hopefully some day he will convert to the faith also. but let it be his choice.

 

[Lexee15]

go for it. if you love him and he loves you and he respects your religion, and agrees to the kids being raised catholic then it should work. then rely on GODS grace to see you thru. and hopefully some day he will convert to the faith also. but let it be his choice.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it takes more than “love” to make a marriage work. This is not something that should be taken lightly!

 

[kage_ar]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it takes more than “love” to make a marriage work. This is not something that should be taken lightly!

AMEN!!

 

[Brenda_V]

go for it. if you love him and he loves you and he respects your religion, and agrees to the kids being raised catholic then it should work. then rely on GODS grace to see you thru. and hopefully some day he will convert to the faith also. but let it be his choice.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it takes more than “love” to make a marriage work. This is not something that should be taken lightly!

No marriage should be taken lightly. I do agree with you Lexee tht it takes more than ‘love’ to make a Marriage work, it takes God’s Grace. If your marriage is not Christ Centered then it will most likely not work whether it is two Catholics or two Protestants or a Catholic and a Protestant.

I will repeat myself, seek God’s will in this. Do not just get married because you “love each other”. Pray and pray some more. Go to daily Mass, pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament! Expect your intended to do the same!

Brenda V.

 

[VAC]

I’m married for 19 years to a Jewish man. We’ve had ups and downs like all marriages, but I would not describe our marraige as ‘rocky’ at all. Our marriage is working!!

We agreed when we got married that we would raise the children Catholic, and that we would never ask each other to convert. At the time, religion was more important to me than him, but I am much more serious about my faith now than then. If I were to start over today, I would probably look for someone of my faith, but neither of us believes in divorce so we’re stuck , and I don’t believe either Judaism or Catholicism would advocate splitting up a family to look for a spouse of one’s own faith.

We go this his parents every year for Passover Seder, and dinner during Hannukah. My husband started coming to church with me to help with the kids so I could participate in the music ministry.
He now comes with me every week, assists with the music ministry setup, CCD traffic, and has been drafted as an usher on many occasions. He took an RCIA class so he could assist in the boy’s religious education. He is completely supportive.

I will say that my boys, especially the older 2 are not enthused about their faith, and attend mass because we make them. Their attitude influences their younger brother also.
They have both gone through phases of claiming to be atheists.

So yes, the marriage can work!!. Maybe it is a factor in my kids rejecting their faith. But there are kids from non-mixed marraiges out there that have also rejected their faith. There are no guarantees.

 

[VAC]

I wanted to add that my brother, raised by Catholic parents, rejected his faith long ago, is agnostic, and is married to a Muslim woman he met while serving in Iraq.

 

[lily156]

hello, well the way people are speaking, like he’s some guy who’d try to convert me or when we have children…really no, he’s not like that. He’s a very good man, but well, he is not Catholic.
it is a little harsh to say it will absolutely not work.
I’m not saying that there is a high chance, either though.

 

[ald]

If you look deep within yourself and ask for God for wisdom, you will be given the grace to know if you are marrying a good man. I married my husband 23 years ago and if I had asked fellow Roman Catholics their opinions I would be advised not to marry. He was raised as a Christian Scientist by his mother. HIs father was old school Presbyterian; translation anti-Catholic to the extreme. We were married in a Mass and we promised to raise our children in the Faith. We kept our promise. My husband has not converted, but our family prays that one day he will, but he goes to Mass and has always supported our children in matters of faith. By the way he is far more knowledgeable of the scriptures than I am and thus our children are more biblically educated than there Catholic school classmates. Have we always agreed on everything – No, hard times – yes, good times – yes love — always, perseverance – always.

 

[Seatuck]

hello, well the way people are speaking, like he’s some guy who’d try to convert me or when we have children…really no, he’s not like that. He’s a very good man, but well, he is not Catholic.
it is a little harsh to say it will absolutely not work.
I’m not saying that there is a high chance, either though.

Do some studying about what marriage means from a Catholic perspective and see if he can help you meet those goals.

 

[Catherine_W]

Hi Lily,

I just wanted to say I feel for you, if you look back on this forum about a year ago I was in your same shoes asking these same questions. You and your boyfriend are in my prayers. Well, I know you will hear lots of sad stories about interfaith marriages, and I believe it… I can imagine that it would be very hard!

When my husband (of a little over 1 month now) and I met, three and a half years ago, he was not very actively involved in his church, but was still very devoted to God. He was also in the Church of England/Anglican church like your boyfriend, and I was a very devout Catholic. The first year it did not seem to be much of a problem, he would come to church with me and everything seemed ok. But later as we grew closer and started thinking about marriage these differences in our faiths were very challenging and made us very sad. We were thinking about marriage and our future together, but it made us very sad that we could not 100% share the foundation of our life… our faith. I had so much trust and confidence in our Catholic faith, that I was sure if anyone studied it and prayed about it enough, they would too see its truth. So for about 2 years we really tried to learn as much as we could about Catholicism, he read many many books and attended RCIA classes, engaged in conversation on Catholic Answers, and of course… lots of prayer. And eventually he too began to see the truth in the Catholic Church and the falseness in the Anglican Church… and in Protestantism in general. He is not yet officially Catholic, but he wants to enter into the Church ASAP and defends it and I think he now loves it now. Now that we share our faith, life is absolutely amazing! We are busy, tired, newly married graduate students… but we are so happy, because we share what is most important in life.

So… basically, I agree that an interfaith marriage would be very hard, and maybe cause you a lot of sadness, maybe even a lifetime of sadness… But I also believe that if someone truly studies all that the Church teaches they will one day see that it is truly God’s Church. If your boyfriend ever wants to talk to my husband… about his journey… books he read, struggles he went through… I’m sure he could give him advice.

Or if you just want some book suggestions, I would be happy to let you know the ones he read that really made an impact.

I have met many married couples that when they met one of them was not Catholic and the other was… but now they are both Catholic and love their faith together. Something I heard at my precana was a husband said the thing he is most grateful to his wife for was that she introduced him to and led him to his faith! That made me tear up!

Well… God bless, and if he is truly the right person for you to be married to, I am confident God will help you two and hopefully help your boyfriend to see the truth in the Catholic Church.

One last thing… I recommend really reading up on marriage, about chastity in marriage and Natural Family Planning. Have you discussed these things with your boyfriend? At first these issues, like no contraception, etc… caused my then fiancé/boyfriend to be a little shocked… but eventually I think these are some of the teachings that really started to show him the truth and goodness that lies in the Catholic Church.

God bless,

Please PM me if you have any questions.

 

[TOBY1]

Do interfaith marriages work if one or both the people are very religious?
thanks in advance.

YES

As you can already tell by the testimonies in some of the posts.

Do interfaith marriages work if one or both the people are very religious?
thanks in advance.

NO

As many have already warned you.

A husband’s role is to be your spiritual leader. As your spiritual leader and head of the household it is his responsibility to nuture the faith of his family. HIs love for God must always come first and he must be a Christ-like example for his wife and family.

An old but true and tried saying “The family that prays together stays together.”

Will your husband be willing to lead the family in prayer?

The husband is commanded to love his wife and be willing to die for her.

Is this something he would be willing to do?

Our concern should also extend from the children to the grandchildren. As we are held accountable for the passing of our faith from one generation to the next.

Will your marriage be fruitful in that respect?

If one can’t answer yes to these questions, then husbands and wives only become each other’s possessions. And even though they may love each other, they eventually treat each other and their children as property.

That is not what marriage is about.

I think the reason successful inter-faith marriages (as well as all successful marriages) worked because the husband didn’t belong to his wife; the wife didn’t belong to the husband. They both belong to Christ.

Now I may have already sounded like I trying to talk you out of interfaith marriage, but I going to repeat the advice of many others.

Check the Catholic prespective on marriage and Pray.

Pray alone and pray together( be a witness for your faith) for God to speak to each of your hearts.

Always seek God’s wisdom first and trust in God first. He will let you know.

May God Bless You.