Internal Torture

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outfctrl

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I dont know where to start here so I will just start explaining how I feel. Three weeks ago, I came back to the Catholic Church. I have gone to confession and Mass, three times since then. So I havent missed a week.
Everything I do, Everything I think of, I question now. What is up with that? I have basically become a monk or something. I turn away from staring at womens attributes and thinking of what I would like to do. I can control this, but for how long? I have never been through this type of torture my whole life!!

I am not sure I can keep the vow of Chastity, it’s impossible. My desires are too strong, even at my age. I am on my third week of abstaining from any sex and I am about to climb the walls. I think our Mother Mary is getting tired of me bugging her all the time with my crutch.

I catch my self breaking the 1st Commandment constantly without thinking. It just comes out of my mouth. I used to be a sailor and I am in construction…so go figure.

I keep my Catholic prayer book in my briefcase all the time. I had it blessed. I catch myself praying to our Holy Mother all the time to help me.

My 16 year old asked for a smoke the other day, I let him have a few. Didnt think anything was wrong at the time, Heck, I started smoking at 12. Now I feel guilty. What the heck is happening to me? Life used to be so simple, now I struggle.

OH! here is something too. I now look forward to Confession, Mass and the Eucharist every weekend. I have to go to confession every week so I can receive it. I am always sinning it seems.
It’s like Gods house does something to me and I cant get enough of his Grace.

I really think I am losing it.

How can I be a good Catholic? I am terrible at this.
 
“My 16 year old asked for a smoke the other day, I let him have a few. Didnt think anything was wrong at the time, Heck, I started smoking at 12. Now I feel guilty. What the heck is happening to me? Life used to be so simple, now I struggle.”

Steel, don’t do things like this. Smoking is dangerous, big time. Quit smoking and teach your children not to smoke or drink. If you’re a monk, practice abstinence. The theme fits well. Also, chill out and calm down. Take it day-by-day. One day at a time. Yes, you will sin in some way in the future, but that’s in the future. Focus on today. Focus on the now. Jesus taught that. Focus, focus, focus. Hang in there. I have many battles of my own to fight. I’m fighting them, one day at a time.
 
outfctrl said:
I dont know where to start here so I will just start explaining how I feel. Three weeks ago, I came back to the Catholic Church. I have gone to confession and Mass, three times since then. So I havent missed a week.
Everything I do, Everything I think of, I question now. What is up with that? I have basically become a monk or something. I turn away from staring at womens attributes and thinking of what I would like to do. I can control this, but for how long? I have never been through this type of torture my whole life!!

I am not sure I can keep the vow of Chastity, it’s impossible. My desires are too strong, even at my age. I am on my third week of abstaining from any sex and I am about to climb the walls. I think our Mother Mary is getting tired of me bugging her all the time with my crutch.

I catch my self breaking the 1st Commandment constantly without thinking. It just comes out of my mouth. I used to be a sailor and I am in construction…so go figure.

I keep my Catholic prayer book in my briefcase all the time. I had it blessed. I catch myself praying to our Holy Mother all the time to help me.

My 16 year old asked for a smoke the other day, I let him have a few. Didnt think anything was wrong at the time, Heck, I started smoking at 12. Now I feel guilty. What the heck is happening to me? Life used to be so simple, now I struggle.

OH! here is something too. I now look forward to Confession, Mass and the Eucharist every weekend. I have to go to confession every week so I can receive it. I am always sinning it seems.
It’s like Gods house does something to me and I cant get enough of his Grace.

I really think I am losing it.

How can I be a good Catholic? I am terrible at this.
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Outfctrl,

I don’t think that you can be a good catholic and devalue women by looking at them in the way that you’re talking about.

As for letting your kid smoke - I can’t really answer that, because while in my humble opinion smoking isn’t necessarily bad you’d be disobeying the law or a civil authority by letting him do it at his age. And this’d be a sin according to my confession booklet. You should look up the requirements for a mortal sin though to set your mind at ease - because you can’t commit a mortal sin by accident. It has to be a grave matter and you have to know that it is a grave matter and you have to do it willfully.

Catholig
 
You just came back 3 weeks ago - give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up over trying to live a good and faith filled life. Even for us cradle catholics - it’s very hard. We all struggle with similar issues every day. It takes a lot of self control and self discipline and respect for ourselves and those we love.

I would say the fact that you are more aware of these things as sinful is a good sign you are on the right track and the holy spirit is working through to try and make you as good a catholic as you can be. Congratulate yourself, you are on a very good path - but it is indeed a long journey - not a destination.

Continue to pray for guidance often. You will be tempted, you will fall, you will feel weak. We all do - and thus the beauty of confession and the eucharist to help us on the journey. Surround yourself with friends and family of good character and similar beliefs and leverage their strength and resolve to be a better person and catholic. May God bless you on your journey.
 
Yeah, it’s hard. Sexual desire is there and it’s strong (never mind what the experts say about how it diminishes with age)😊

Life is a struggle to do good, but if you do fall into sin, remember that God forgives - always.

PS: Please try and quit smoking. It’s so bad for your health. Ever since I saw a friend die a lingering death from emphysema, I’ve hated cigarettes.
 
QUOTE=outfctrl;2397956]

I dont know where to start here so I will just start explaining how I feel.

Three weeks ago, I came back to the Catholic Church.
👍 Welcome back!

I have gone to confession and Mass, three times since then.
So I havent missed a week.
👍 Good.

Everything I do, Everything I think of, I question now. What is up with that?

The Holy Spirit is working in you. HE brings things to your attention that need to be addressed.

I have basically become a monk or something. I turn away from staring at womens attributes and thinking of what I would like to do.

As I woman, Thank you! Your consideration is greatly appreciated.😃

I can control this, but for how long? I have never been through this type of torture my whole life!! I am not sure I can keep the vow of Chastity, it’s impossible. My desires are too strong, even at my age. I am on my third week of abstaining from any sex and I am about to climb the walls. 😊 I understand.

I think our Mother Mary is getting tired of me bugging her all the time with my crutch.

No, She will never get tired of you. 🙂

** I catch my self **breaking the 1st Commandment constantly without thinking. It just comes out of my mouth. I used to be a sailor and I am in construction…so go figure.

You catch yourself, that means you are conscious of it. I bet that three weeks ago you never would have noticed.

I keep my Catholic prayer book in my briefcase all the time. I had it blessed. **I catch myself **praying to our Holy Mother all the time to help me.

This is not a bad thing 😉 .

My 16 year old asked for a smoke the other day, I let him have a few. Didnt think anything was wrong at the time, Heck, I started smoking at 12. Now I feel guilty.

What the heck is happening to me?
The Lord is working in you.

Life used to be so simple, now I struggle.

You will be ok. The Lord is with you and will give you strength

1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, **HE will **also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Hebrews 4:15 NIV •
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin…

**OH! here is something too. I now look forward to Confession, Mass and the Eucharist every weekend. I have to go to confession every week so I can receive it. I am always sinning it seems.

1 John 1:8 NIV
8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

It’s like Gods house does something to me and I cant get enough of his Grace.**

I really think I am losing it. No, you are finding it.

How can I be a good Catholic?

I am terrible at this.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about[a] himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
Code: 
13"But the tax collector stood at a distance.** He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' **

14"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
Keep your focus on the Lord, he will help you.
 
Thank you, Alt…
I am thinking I need help. If I didnt go back to the Church…I wouldnt think twice on what I do half the time. I would be content…but no…I am struggling now. Everything I do seems to break some commandment, commit some sin.

How can I live like this? The phsical pleasures, the free reign on what I can do. Why does it have to be so hard? Why?

I dont hurt anyone…I dont kill anyone…I dont lie and cheat anyone.

What’s a little sex here and there? Why am I condemned? Its just me? I am not hurting anyone!!
 
outfctrl said:
I dont hurt anyone…I dont kill anyone…I dont lie and cheat anyone.
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Every time we commit a sin, we hurt God; we hurt our relationship with God. Lust is sinful and Jesus taught us that. When we do the opposite, we hurt Him.
 
Hi Outfctrl,

I remember reading your story a while back - well must have been three weeks back. I’m happy to see your post now, and I thought Altesse’s responses were great.

Remember that the Catholic church does NOT teach that sex is bad - rather the opposite - that it is SACRED, and that’s why it is not to be taken lightly. Now that you appreciate the Eucharist, as an analogy, imagine this: you are at a bar, and some dude walks in with a handful of consecrated hosts - the Eucharist. He announces, “Hey, anybody want some?” You wouldn’t say, “Sure, pass some over here, I’ll have it with my chips and beer while I’m watching the game.” No way. Do you see what I mean? I suggest reading “Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West, to help you understand the church’s teachings on sex & mairrage.

God bless you. Can’t wait to see you on EWTN someday.
 
outfctrl said:
Thank you, Alt…
I am thinking I need help. If I didnt go back to the Church…I wouldnt think twice on what I do half the time. I would be content…but no…I am struggling now. Everything I do seems to break some commandment, commit some sin.

How can I live like this? The phsical pleasures, the free reign on what I can do. Why does it have to be so hard? Why?

I dont hurt anyone…I dont kill anyone…I dont lie and cheat anyone.

What’s a little sex here and there? Why am I condemned? Its just me? I am not hurting anyone!!
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Maybe you should try thinking of it as what you can do or be instead of what you can’t…

You are a child of GOD, paid for by His Sacrifice. You are worth much more than “a little sex here and there” or other sins.

Freedom is not license to sin. You are not condemned, you are free from the power of sin and death through the Lord.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should!

Like the other folks said, sex isn’t bad; it is special, not to be engaged in randomly or only for physical release. It doesn’t just involve the body, but the soul and spirit as well. That is why it is protected by GOD within marriage.

All single folks struggle with this, especially those of us who have been intimate with people before our committment to the Lord (or after as the case may be:o ).

Sports, excercise or other physical activity that keeps your mind of it helps. Also lots of prayer and a get a spiritual mentor. A man who is firmly established in the faith and is “without sin” as much as can be possible for a human. You can pray with him and talk about stuff that concern you about the Christian Life.

Here is what the Bible says. This is not meant to be harsh, but to show you how important you are to God, and the value that is placed on sexuality.

1 Corinthians 6
Sexual Immorality
12**“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.** 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”** 17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. **19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? **You are not your own; **20you were bought at a price. **Therefore honor God with your body.**
 
outfctrl said:
Thank you, Alt…
I am thinking I need help. If I didnt go back to the Church…I wouldnt think twice on what I do half the time. I would be content…but no…I am struggling now. Everything I do seems to break some commandment, commit some sin.

How can I live like this? The phsical pleasures, the free reign on what I can do. Why does it have to be so hard? Why?

I dont hurt anyone…I dont kill anyone…I dont lie and cheat anyone.

What’s a little sex here and there? Why am I condemned? Its just me? I am not hurting anyone!!
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Hi outfctrl,

I’ll be praying to St. Michael to help you with these temptations. I came back to the church about 18 month ago and the sexual temptations were/are the hardest for me to handle.

Maybe think of it this way…nothing good is ever gotten for free. In investments, careers, relationships…you pretty much have to spend in order to earn. If something was easy to obtain, would it be worth chasing after?

Our sins usually hurt someone in a way we can’t even see. And even when we can’t see which human we’ve hurt, they still hurt God who wants our love.

Chastity does get easier, I promise! I think of it as something that I “practice” more than just “doing”.

prayers,
c
 
outfctrl said:
Thank you, Alt…
I am thinking I need help. If I didnt go back to the Church…I wouldnt think twice on what I do half the time. I would be content…but no…I am struggling now. Everything I do seems to break some commandment, commit some sin.

How can I live like this? The phsical pleasures, the free reign on what I can do. Why does it have to be so hard? Why?

I dont hurt anyone…I dont kill anyone…I dont lie and cheat anyone.

What’s a little sex here and there? Why am I condemned? Its just me? I am not hurting anyone!!
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You need to understand that life is a struggle. The Devil doesn’t like that you went back to the Church and he is trying to show you how unworthy you are. Accept that, even though you are unworthy, God still loves you, and even though you’re tempted and fail at times, he still wants to have you in his family.

I, too, struggle with the modern view of admiring women. Scantily clad women in our society is pervasive! They use sex to sell products, it abounds on television and in magazines and books. In those times I look to Mary our spiritual mother to teach me how to respect her, and through her to respect women.

Regarding your comment about “what’s a little sex here and there?”, try to understand what sex is supposed to be-it’s really a sacramental to the sacrament of marriage-in other words, sex inside the marital bond is holy, not to be triffled with, therefore, a little sex here and there outside the marital bond is not acceptable. Again, look to Mother Mary to teach you how to deal with this.

A way I’ve found to stay as holy as possible is to immerse yourself in your faith. Study the bible (don’t just read it), listen to Catholic radio and TV, read the Church fathers, listen to Fr. Corapi, attend Church functions (outside of Mass).

Also, your view of going to confession-it’s not something you should be ashamed of, confession is there to set you free, however temporarily. Stay conscientious (as you are), and keep striving for holiness. Remember that life is a journey, the purpose of life is prepare you for Heaven, and the Church, if you follow all her teachings, is to help keep you on the right path.

One other thing, Jesus suffered for us, and He’s God. How can we, as mere mortals, expect not to suffer, struggle, etc?

God bless you in your struggles.
 
outfctrl said:
I am not sure I can keep the vow of Chastity, it’s impossible. My desires are too strong, even at my age. I am on my third week of abstaining from any sex and I am about to climb the walls.
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You sound like St. Augustine.
 
I dont mean to dwell on this subject, but just the thought of never being intimate again, scares me.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I probably will never get married again. Thats a hard pill to swallow.

I absolutely love being back in the Grace of God, more than I can say in words. Where I was before, was like living in the cities of sodom and Gomorrah. I did what I want when I wanted and never thinking of the consequences.

I still will be posting on other subjects for all your spiritual reinforcment. If it wasnt for everyone here, I am not sure I would have gone back to the Church when I did. Thank you
 
JimG said:
You sound like St. Augustine.
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I read his Biography and this really hit home.

“Full of bitter sorrow, Augustine flung himself out into the garden and cried out to God, “How long more, O Lord? Why does not this hour put an end to my sins?” Just then he heard a child singing, “Take up and read!” Thinking that God intended him to hear those words, he picked up the book of the Letters of St. Paul, and read the first passage his gaze fell on. It was just what Augustine needed, for in it, St. Paul says to put away all impurity and to live in imitation of Jesus. That did it! From then on, Augustine began a new life.”

Thank you!!
 
Keep praying, and you will find the strength to persevere.

Remember, to really be a good Catholic, you have to live by all of what the Church teaches, whether you agree with it or not.

Stay focussed on your final reward. Be a good and faithful servant.

Regarding ever getting married again, you never know what God may have in store for you…
 
Change happens gradually. Just like Augustine, first we change our minds, and then when we become sure in our minds, we start to change our hearts. But that means first we stop doing what we know is wrong, although we would prefer to do it. This is not where it must stop. To be truly free we must also let go of the attachment to sin-- we must stop desiring the illicit pleasure. Take St. Francis de Sales’s advice to heart. Tell me that this is not very insightful.
ALL the children of Israel went forth from the land of Egypt, but not all went forth heartily, and so, when wandering in the desert, some of them sighed after the leeks and onions,—the fleshpots of Egypt. Even so there are penitents who forsake sin, yet without forsaking their sinful affections; that is to say, they intend to sin no more, but it goes sorely against them to abstain from the pleasures of sin;—they formally renounce and forsake sinful acts, but they turn back many a fond lingering look to what they have left, like Lot’s wife as she fled from Sodom. They are like a sick man who abstains from eating melon when the doctor says it would kill him, but who all the while longs for it, talks about it, bargains when he may have it, would at least like just to sniff the perfume, and thinks those who are free to eat of it very fortunate. And so these weak cowardly penitents abstain awhile from sin, but reluctantly;—they would fain be able to sin without incurring damnation;—they talk with a lingering taste of their sinful deeds, and envy those who are yet indulging in the like. Thus a man who has meditated some revenge gives it up in confession, but soon after he is to be found talking about the quarrel, averring that but for the fear of God he would do this or that; complaining that it is hard to keep the Divine rule of forgiveness; would to God it were lawful to avenge one’s self! **Who can fail to see that even if this poor man is not actually committing sin, he is altogether bound with the affections thereof, and although he may have come out of Egypt, he yet hungers after it, and longs for the leeks and onions he was wont to feed upon there! **It is the same with the woman who, though she has given up her life of sin, yet takes delight in being sought after and admired. Alas! of a truth, all such are in great peril.
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He continues:
Be sure, my daughter, that if you seek to lead a devout life, you must not merely forsake sin; but you must further cleanse your heart from all affections pertaining to sin; for, to say nothing of the danger of a relapse, these wretched affections will perpetually enfeeble your mind, and clog it, so that you will be unable to be diligent, ready and frequent in good works, wherein nevertheless lies the very essence of all true devotion. Souls which, in spite of having forsaken sin, yet retain such likings and longings, remind us of those persons who, without being actually ill, are pale and sickly, languid in all they do, eating without appetite, sleeping without refreshment, laughing without mirth, dragging themselves about rather than walking briskly. Such souls as I have described lose all the grace of their good deeds, which are probably few and feeble, through their spiritual languor.
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Really, the critical battle is now. If you persevere and keep getting back up it will get easier and easier. Remember, decades of bad habits aren’t going to be overcome in three weeks! But you’d be surprised at the freedom which God gives to those who persevere. Support your progress with (mental, or meditative) prayer. The rosary or lectio divina are always good things to do-- but any prayer type is good.

-Rob
 
outfctrl said:
I read his Biography and this really hit home.

“Full of bitter sorrow, Augustine flung himself out into the garden and cried out to God, “How long more, O Lord? Why does not this hour put an end to my sins?” Just then he heard a child singing, “Take up and read!” Thinking that God intended him to hear those words, he picked up the book of the Letters of St. Paul, and read the first passage his gaze fell on. It was just what Augustine needed, for in it, St. Paul says to put away all impurity and to live in imitation of Jesus. That did it! From then on, Augustine began a new life.”

Thank you!!
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It was also St. Agustine who prayed, “Lord, make chaste, but not yet.” I think he went through many of the same struggles as you, as have many others. You are not alone, nor will God abandon you.
 
bankerdavid said:
Keep praying, and you will find the strength to persevere.

Remember, to really be a good Catholic, you have to live by all of what the Church teaches, whether you agree with it or not.

Stay focussed on your final reward. Be a good and faithful servant.

Regarding ever getting married again, you never know what God may have in store for you…
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At the risk of being ex’d

This statement:

“Remember, to really be a good Catholic, you have to live by all of what the Church teaches, whether you agree with it or not”.

is not absolutely true.

First and foremost we are Christians…we follow Jesus, The Christ.
Being Catholic is secondary.

The teachings of the church are intended to be for our benefit. Not to burden us with “rules”. God doesn’t want us to feel like we have to follow Him, but that we get to follow him.

If you don’t agree with something, first learn more about it.
Then if you still don’t agree, pray for understanding.
 
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