Internally not "open to life". Please help!

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SBryndy729

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Let me start off by saying I have been married for a year and a half; we have never used any form of birth control, not even NFP. We have a 9 month old baby who really is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and I have no desire to have another one. Obviously we are physically open to life, but inside I am dreading the day I find out I’m pregnant again.

Of course, as I believe most mothers would admit, I love my son and would never want anything bad to ever happen to him, but the actual role of being a mother I very much dislike. I have really never had a maternal bone in my body…when I was growing up and had to babysit I hated every second of it. If I was around a friend with a baby I would hold it for a few minutes so I didn’t look like the weird person who didn’t care about babies, but I would gladly give it back! Even being the oldest of three kids, I was never crazy about my siblings until they got to be middle/high school age.

I never wanted to have kids growing up, in fact the only time I ever wanted to have children was after I began dating my husband (just because I loved him so much that I thought having children would complete a fairy tale or something).

This is really disheartening to me because I really do love my son. I know he will grow up fast, but I’m really not fond of the caretaker role. I know we all have our crosses to bear but shouldn’t mothering be less of a cross and more of a joy? I realize love = sacrifice, but so many of my Catholic friends who have babies can’t wait to have the next one, and I am just not feeling that. I want my son to have a sibling, so I know we will have more, again…I’m just not looking forward to it.

I feel terrible because I have friends who want nothing more than to have a child and struggle with their fertility, I just wish I could give them mine. Any advice? I do pray about this and go to confession, but so far the priests that I have tried to talk to about this really didn’t have much to say. I feel bad because my husband is sick of hearing me talk about this…I just don’t know what to do anymore.
 
Just a few quick thoughts:

I felt the same way when I had PPD - not saying you do, but it never hurts to check stuff like this out.

Taking care of one 9 month-old baby is… well… dull for most normal adults. It will never be like this in your life again, I promise. The baby will grow and talk and ask questions and discuss things with you.

If siblings are born, you will never be alone with a baby again. You will never again have to be the only one to hang out with a baby. Siblings interact and play together and the dynamics change with each subsequent child. I have personally found two kids much easier than one.

And, of course, you don’t have to plan your entire family right now. One baby is all you have to think about. When he grows up a bit, you may feel differently. No need to put this pressure on yourself right now.

Love your kid, love yourself, relax, do other things you enjoy in life.
 
Is it possible that God could be thinking that what makes you such a great mother and worthy of having the wonderful gift of fertility is that you are not head over heels excited about motherhood?

It sounds like you love your child very much and I am sure that you are doing all that a good mother can do to make sure that he grows up to be a holy, God-loving man. As long as this is true, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with being disillusioned about the work involved in raising a child. Extreme excitement and happiness cuddling a child but eeking out as soon as the diaper changing starts I don’t think makes for as effective of a mother as one who grinds it out during both the hard parts and the good parts.

Remember, love is not a “feeling” of affection or an overwhelming desire to make baby noises and snuggle, love is a conscious decision to give yourself fully and unconditionally to God and to those who are in your life. Regardless of how you feel, you can love just as much as the parents who jump for joy at the prospects of having 10 kids just by making the decision to love. It’s only when we choose not to love that we fail in our vocation. 🙂

God bless!
 
I know alot of people who have kids who claim they didn’t find the “baby phase” nearly as amusing as it’s made out to be. Don’t feel bad. It can be very stressful to be constantly after someone who is as helpless as a baby. As your son gets bigger, it is quite likely that you will find him much more interesting as his personality develops and you won’t be as stressed out because he will be able to take care of himself more and more. If you still think something is wrong, (Like you are stressed out to the point of not being able to function or feeling completely miserable.) you might want to take the other poster’s advice and see a doctor to rule out the possibility of PPS.
 
I only have a few of observations to make.

First, as mentioned before, it’s not a matter of fuzzy emotions. It’s a matter of what your rational side, you will, determines. Our rational mind can make us do all sorts of things that we personally find unpleasant. We do them anyway, as any parent can attest. You are already deciding to parent your child even if not everything is feeling warm and fuzzy.

Second, your personal characteristics make this a greater personal sacrifice for you than for someone who always wanted a bunch of kids and enjoys all of the things that entails. This is laudable.

Third, as time goes on you will become more comfortable with your role. It’s easier if you pray, frequently. When you find yourself interiorly detesting being a caregiver, offer it up as a sacrifice to our Lord. With time, it will be easier.

Have you discussed with your husband that you would like him to take more of a caretaker role? I am married to a woman who likes kids, but hates housework which is a problem when she’s a stay at home mom. I end up doing a lot of it. I don’t mind doing it. I dislike coming into a huge mess, though. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that many women were raised since the 1970’s to think that housework and childcare are somehow degrading. It’s not. But because these attitudes were generated from childhood, they are not easily banished.
 
SBryndy729 said:
Let me start off by saying I have been married for a year and a half; we have never used any form of birth control, not even NFP. We have a 9 month old baby who really is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and I have no desire to have another one. Obviously we are physically open to life, but inside I am dreading the day I find out I’m pregnant again.

Of course, as I believe most mothers would admit, I love my son and would never want anything bad to ever happen to him, but the actual role of being a mother I very much dislike. I have really never had a maternal bone in my body…when I was growing up and had to babysit I hated every second of it. If I was around a friend with a baby I would hold it for a few minutes so I didn’t look like the weird person who didn’t care about babies, but I would gladly give it back! Even being the oldest of three kids, I was never crazy about my siblings until they got to be middle/high school age.

I never wanted to have kids growing up, in fact the only time I ever wanted to have children was after I began dating my husband (just because I loved him so much that I thought having children would complete a fairy tale or something).

This is really disheartening to me because I really do love my son. I know he will grow up fast, but I’m really not fond of the caretaker role. I know we all have our crosses to bear but shouldn’t mothering be less of a cross and more of a joy? I realize love = sacrifice, but so many of my Catholic friends who have babies can’t wait to have the next one, and I am just not feeling that. I want my son to have a sibling, so I know we will have more, again…I’m just not looking forward to it.

I feel terrible because I have friends who want nothing more than to have a child and struggle with their fertility, I just wish I could give them mine. Any advice? I do pray about this and go to confession, but so far the priests that I have tried to talk to about this really didn’t have much to say. I feel bad because my husband is sick of hearing me talk about this…I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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I think you are being really hard on yourself. Loving is an act of the will, not a feeling. Just because you have a different personality than your friends or feelings of aversion to motherhood, that doesn’t mean you aren’t loving. That’s just who you are and it may stem from life experiences or simply personality. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong.

Motherhood is hard. I never realized how hard it was until my sister had children. There are so many things that parents have to sacrifice - sleep, time, friends, financial, activities, a clean house… and then there is a constant test of patience.

I think it’s normal to not like these things in and of themselves. Suffering isn’t enjoyable, and I doubt any of the saints would have suffered simply for suffering’s sake alone. But why can a mother put up with all of these things is because her suffering has meaning. Her suffering is out of love for her children. That doesn’t mean she “likes” to suffer.
One of my friends has told me several times, “I love my children with all my heart, but boy do I love their bedtime. Those precious few hours are my only personal time.”

And not all people love babies and small children. My dad didn’t “like” us until we were in college. He simply has no clue how to be around non-adults. It may be something he needs to work on, but I also know that from his life experiences he is the way he is, and it’s not his “fault,” per se.
 
This might help:

originally posted by Iowa Mike:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer J
While it is morally acceptable to space children, there needs to be a serious/just/grave reason.
usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/seriousq.shtml
<<“Grave and Serious”]
Paul VI in his encyclical, Humanae vitae (1968), while condemning the use of all contraceptive methods for even grave (gravia) reasons declared licit the recourse to the infertile periods if the spouses have good (just and seria) reasons to postpone even indefinitely another pregnancy. (HV, nos. 16, 10). The language here is similar to Gaudium et Spes no. 10. But first those spouses are commended who, with prudent deliberation and generosity, choose to accept a large family. The spouses are to consider their responsibilities towards God, themselves, the family, and human society. Each of these factors may be taken into account in right order in determining “serious and just reasons.”

In other words the spouses are to discern together first, what is God’s plan for their family here and now, then, their own physical and emotional resources for accepting another child, the needs of other family members, and lastly the good of the human society in which they live. The pope gives special encouragement to scientists to perfect the natural methods, (HV, no. 24) declaring that the discipline of chastity exercised in periodic continence enhances married life provided the spouses value the true blessings of family. (HV, no. 21)>>

I think we may be talking past one another. Humanae Vitae #16 states,
Quote:
“If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reporductive system and engage in marital intercouse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth in a way which does not in the least offend the moral principles which we have just explained.”

The couple decides on their mental and physical readiness and what external circumstances cause them to employ NFP. There are infinite reasons/circumstances people may have which cause them to space children. It is up to them to discern. There’s no board, no-place for them to go and ask permission, the Church does not provide detailed direction…so if in good conscience and based upon their circumstances if they feel they need to wait it is perfectly licit for them to use NFP. Having said that…HV #16 continues by making a comparison:
Quote:
Neither the Church nor her doctrine is inconsistent when she considers it lawful for married people to take advantage of the infertile period but condemns as always unlawful the use of means which directly prevent conception, even when the reasons given for the later practice may appear to be upright and serious In reality these two cases are completely different. In the former the married couple rightly use a faculty provided them by nature. In the latter they obstruct the natural development of the generative process.

I think this is where we are talking past one another. A couple who use NFP for frivolous reasons commit the same sin as if they used some artificial means. But the sin isn’t in the use of NFP it is in their desire to thwart life for immoral reasons. Perhaps they don’t want children because they won’t fit into their lifestyle or for materialistic reasons. Here use of NFP is morally wrong.

So I continue to believe that married couples who have ‘well grounded’ reasons are free to use NFP the terms grave and serious notwithstanding.
 
I’ll share my view- I don’t like babies much.Not really at all, esp if they are not mine. I’m very much a “let me show you and you go work on it yourself, or do this with me.” I don’t “play” with kids, and I have high expectations for them. I don’t really care for cutesy stuff, or “isn’t this cute!” kid things.

I started really enjoying my kids once they were 3,4 yrs old. I just don’t care for all of those baby stages.

If you don’t like babies, that’s ok. There are other people out there who don’t swoon when they see one, or their own, every time there is one in a store! 🙂

I also discovered I need time out of the house- a morning job does wonders for me, and I’m able to have the kids in the afternoon. As I said, I’m not much into playing with them, but I think they need that time alone, able to concentrate on what they want to do when they feel a need to do it, and learn their selves.

As a complete aside, I started working at a Montessori school simply for a job… and I LOVE it. Their way of child interaction works beautifully with my personality.

Quite frankly, the second baby flew by SO MUCH faster than the first. I HATED it with #1, but by #2, I was busy enough with the older child, and things to do here and there (stayed home with both until 8mo?), that is was much, much, better. Ours are 2 yrs apart, I really enjoy that spacing.
 
I’m sorry you feel this way. I will pray for you. As others have said, it is actually easier having more than one child, so when the time comes, do not fret too much.

This entire scenario reminds me of my former Bishop. He was called by God to be a Bishop, and yet he hated every second of it. He went into early retirement because he just couldn’t handle it after ten or fifteen years. You are not always called to do something you love. Sometimes, as imperfect as it seems, you have to go through things you hate. But if you trust in God and you allow him to control your life, he will give you the graces necessary to fulfill these things.
 
I didn’t get the chance to become a mother - always thought I’d have several children, but it wasn’t in God’s plan. In fact, for a long time I felt pretty down about it but now have made peace with it. Strangely, too, in my 40s I went through a time of stress when I was finding children to be annoying. I still do on occasion if they are being more rambunctious and loud than is appropriate for the setting (think library vs. park) and parents are not trying to curb them or are even encouraging the behavior. :rolleyes:

So I went from being one who did want kids and was fuzzy and sentimental about them, to one who was sometimes the opposite - to me the baby stage is cute, the toddler/preschool stage they seem kind of psycho :D, and then they become interesting little folks to converse with.

I think when they are seen as individuals and their personalities observed, that could help a lot in making being in their presence enjoyable rather than tiresome. Maybe you could just start making little mental notes of the things your son does that are uniquely his own and it would help build an appreciation of him as an individual rather than a generic baby which then makes you think how you don’t like babies. Make sense?

It may be that your siblings came along at points in your younger years when it wasn’t as easy to bond with them and maybe they seemed more like annoyances than potential friends and allies. Maybe that awkwardness - who are these little munchkins and why do they keep calling me “Sis”? :bigyikes: is just going to be there for you in your own parenting, but maybe over time, it’ll lessen.

One thing I totally want to commend you for is your recognition that your son should have a sibling himself if at all possible, instead of concluding that since things haven’t been all roses and angels singing thus far you will retire from the baby business. I was an only child, that’s my admitted bias in this - but a shared history and an ally in childhood is so valuable that it shouldn’t be denied the child by a parent without a serious, serious reason. And who knows, maybe things really will change and adapt as your family goes on its journey that by the time another baby is on its way it will be a completely different scenario. Our lives do sometimes unfold in unpredictable ways. God bless you!
 
I guess I just felt like reiterating this part:

I didn’t think, based on my experience as a first time mother, that I ever wanted to have another baby.

Baby #2 was a surprise. The spacing is 3 years.

The sibling thing is amazing and they entertain each other much of the time now, at 5 and 2.

It is, because of this, much easier and better now than when #1 was a (calm, easy, quiet) baby.

You’re allowed to space your kids. Few people, even here (;)) would think you need to want another baby right now.
 
Litcrit said:
You’re allowed to space your kids. Few people, even here (;)) would think you need to want another baby right now.
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Provided that she and her husband determine that there is a serious or grave economic, social or health reason for doing so, of course. 🙂
 
It’s difficult to imagine when you’re up to your ears in diapers and feedings. But kids get to be really fun from about 14 months to about 2, and then from about 4 to 11. In my opinion. I have three girls.

And watching siblings take care of each other, laugh and play is worth it all.
 
MidnightSun12 said:
Provided that she and her husband determine that there is a serious or grave economic, social or health reason for doing so, of course. 🙂
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A serious reason is taking care of a small baby right now and not being psychologically prepared for another one so soon.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Hmm, I wonder if caring for a 9 month old baby qualifies.
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I wouldn"t be comfortable making that judgment call one way or another on an anonymous message board. The fact that the OP hasn’t used NFP up until this point tells me that she and her husband may have determined that there currently isn’t a serious reason.

The Church requires there to be a serious reason for practicing NFP to postpone a pregnancy. To encourage somebody to use NFP without explaining this accompanying requirement could lead that person into sin and we would be partially responsible.
 
People tend to think the Church’s exhortation to be open to life refers to some kind of interior disposition, but it doesn’t. Obviously that interior disposition is good and you should try to mold yourself to it, but it’s not necessary. When the Church talk about openness to life they are talking about the act itself. So as long as you are not taking steps to prevent pregnancy that are illicit in themselves (contraception) or are doing so without good reason (NFP) you are morally in the clear. Otherwise, don’t stress it. God’s given you what He’s given you.
 
MidnightSun12 said:
I wouldn"t be comfortable making that judgment call one way or another on an anonymous message board. The fact that the OP hasn’t used NFP up until this point tells me that she and her husband may have determined that there currently isn’t a serious reason.

The Church requires there to be a serious reason for practicing NFP to postpone a pregnancy. To encourage somebody to use NFP without explaining this accompanying requirement could lead that person into sin and we would be partially responsible.
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The Church says that ultimately, it is the decision of the husband and wife. That should be made clear.
 
The first year of my oldest daughter’s life was not easy and I didn’t wear motherhood as gracefully as I would have hoped. I was bored, lonely, and exhausted. Consequently, her first couple of years made me certain that I should have only one child. I loved her so much and she was a wonderful, beautiful baby, but it was my internal disposition that was the problem. I realized this at the time, thankfully, so I did not fool myself into blaming the baby for my sense of dissatisfaction. Plus, it was a difficult transition to go from being a full-time teacher to a full-time stay-at-home mother. I missed teaching. I missed being busy at the school. 😦
On my daughter’s second birthday, family asked when to expect another baby. I replied that I was done with having babies, so if they wanted more grandbabies, they would have to look to my SIL to give them that! 😊
The next week, I discovered I was already pregnant. :eek:
My immediate love for the new baby was powerful enough to snap me to attention and to work on my personal issues that kept me from fully embracing motherhood and from relishing my vocation. I thank God for that happy surprise. 😛
Now I am expecting baby number 4, and I realize how God expands my heart with each pregnancy He gives me (including the miscarriages I have experienced). His wisdom is greater than my own and His timing and His will is perfect. I am a much better mother now than I was after baby #1, and I am sure that, with God’s help, I will be able to look back in a few years and see how much I have grown and changed through this adventure called childbearing/childrearing.

So my advice to you is, be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge where you are now. Don’t be in too big a hurry to change your perspective immediately. Allow God to work in your heart according to His timing and His will. I recently realized that in trying to make too many changes too fast in order to grow in holiness and spiritual maturity that I was, in effect, taking a sledgehammer to my soul. God works on His masterpieces with a master’s eye and a fine chisel. Let God change your heart how and when He wants to and be thankful that God is far more gentle with us than we are with ourselves.

In the meantime, enjoy your baby! The infancy will be over before you know it, so relish it while it lasts. And also remember, during your difficult moments, that this too shall pass. No phase or stage of childhood lasts forever, even if we feel like it does when we are in the middle of it.
 
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