Interpersonal Conflict

[Servant31]

Hows it going all. I have always had difficulties with relationships/friendships. One of the major issues I have had is with conflict. I am very conflict averse. I have always tried to listen well and be amiciable, as well as fair. Unfortunately I feel that people often times take advantage of this.
For example: A friend of mine who I now live with (along with his girlfriend) has been increasingly short and snappy with me. He tends to have this alpha male syndrome, always trying to cut you off, call you out on everything you say, etc… It gets pretty old after a while and Im finding it harder to just leave or keep quiet. I feel like my stress level goes up immensely not to mention destroying my self esteem. His girlfriend picks up on this and she is getting increasingly sassy as well. Now im 210lbs, former rugby player, hes maybe 160… I could crush him like a grape at any time. Of course I wouldnt do this because im a catholic .
I tend to have a difficult time with this type of thing because I want to fight back, and I will talk to him about it. But I have difficulties because I often times feel that if I fight back (verbally) I feel its anti-catholic to do so.
Genrally it will involve them being:
“well YOUR this, YOUR difficult, YOUR bad, etc etc etc…”
and it degrades from there. Now Im reading a book on assertiveness which seems to hit the nail on the head but I often times feel like the advice is anti-catholic? Now I am defiinitly on the scrupululous side of things with everything. So my question is, at what point is it alright to fight back? If being mature doesnt cut it do I ever fight back? My friends have all told me im too nice, but I care about my soul as well. Unfortunatly it often carries into interactions with other people.
This type of situation seems to negatively affect my life often, and the only time I get any respect is when I have a “Im not taking any **** attitude.” At what point do you fight back. Does being catholic mean getting waked on or being matyr all the time?

 

[Mummsie]

Servant,

I think I know what you mean. You can either be doormat (passive) or go ballistic (aggressive). While Agressiveness is easy to identify as sinful, passiveness without the proper giving spirit is just as bad 'cause it leaves you with lots of resentment.

I’m aware of Assertiveness training; I took a Training Class. For me, it was the perfect balance between Agressiveness and passiveness. I could maintain my self control and still get my point across. It’s been at least 30 years since I took this class, but I still use many of their techniques today. And I don’t recall any of their suggestions being anti-Catholic. I believe they had a list of rights (the right to be heard, the right to say “I don’t know”, etc.) Do you have any specific anti-Catholic examples?

Avoiding conflict can be a good thing; but, not if unacceptable behavior goes on and on. As I recall use of the word “I” should always be predominant. I feel…I think…I can’t (as opposed to YOU did this or YOU said this). Tone of voice also makes a big difference. And, as usual, timing is everything. It might be helpful to practice your technique with a trusted friend. Getting issues out in the open in an assertive manner can help resolve conflicts.

Not sure if I was helpful. I’m sure others will chime in to give you some good advice.

God Bless You.

 

[Hokomai]

As you have played rugby, you will know the value of a good coach. You expect opponents to come at you and come hard. Your job is to move the ball and so keep your team’s initiative (or to get the ball, and gain it). As you know if you keep your eye on the other players and not the ball, you will fail. You need to find a coach (and I would suggest a scientifically-trained counselor) to help you name ‘the ball’ in this circumstance. The reading you are doing is useful. In general (although I can’t say it will always work), it helps to specifically name the behaviour to which you object (Mary: you just said I am useless. The say how you feel: This makes me angry because i thik it is unfair, and also causes me confusion because as a Catholic I have to be charitable in what I say back. I have to internalise all that. It makes it hard to get on with my life. Then say what you want: Mary, I know you don’t intend the impact it has on me, but if you considered the impact it does have, I’m sure things will be better. I am not expecting things to be perfect, only better. Is there anything I could do to help?

 

[lerapt78]

Does being catholic mean getting waked on or being matyr all the time?

No. While being Catholic requires us to respect the dignity of others, it does not mean that we have to sacrifice our own, nor does it mean that we have to be weak.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Aristotle said that the virtue is in the mean. The virtue bravery is found between the two excesses of rashness and cowardice.

Clearly you need to find a balance. You should tell him, calmly and reasonably,

1. what his poor behavior is
2. why it negatively affects you

and 3) give him concrete examples of a way to better approach a similar situation in the future.

If that doesn’t work for you, then I suggest a new roommate. Life is too short for that kind of ****.

 

[cmscms]

He tends to have this alpha male syndrome, always trying to cut you off, call you out on everything you say, etc…

If this is how he really is, sadly I don’t think assertiveness will work on him at all. I think the only thing is boundaries. ‘If this is the way you want to be, I am out of here’

I feel like my stress level goes up immensely not to mention destroying my self esteem.

Awesome insight. I use to have a friend who though it was ‘good old palling around’ to make fun of me. She had me convinced I was the one who needed to loosen up. I haven’t seen her in 8 years and the scars are still fresh. Don’t underestimate the damage it is doing to you

His girlfriend picks up on this and she is getting increasingly sassy as well.

Definetely a sign it is time to do something

Now im 210lbs, former rugby player, hes maybe 160… I could crush him like a grape at any time. Of course I wouldnt do this because im a catholic .

All the more reason for him to insult you. He probably thinks it’s hilarious he can get away with it from a big guy like you. I know there are a lot of people who will disagree with me but… why not ask him to take it outside and show him you have limits? Show him you can take care yourself, don’t beat him up more than necessary

But I have difficulties because I often times feel that if I fight back (verbally) I feel its anti-catholic to do so. :.

Because it is anti-catholic. You are not suppose to fight back, you are suppose to set mature assertive boundaries. But since that won’t work with this guy, if you need to be anti-catholic, re-reading my advice from the point above

This type of situation seems to negatively affect my life often, and the only time I get any respect is when I have a “Im not taking any **** attitude.” At what point do you fight back. Does being catholic mean getting waked on or being matyr all the time?

Trying changing the attitude from “Im not taking any **** attitude.” to 'God create me as a valuable human and I deserve better than this. To be honest, I don’t think this guy is capable of respect. The only thing that would get him off your back is fear.

 

[Servant31]

All very good insights thank you. But I guess what I am gettting at is what CM is saying as well. If general assertiveness doesnt work at what point, in God’s eyes, am I justified in fighting back (verbally). Bottom line it affects my relationship with other friends in that group as well. I am generally just fine walking away from an argument, but I feel that I have some right here as well not to lose an entire group of friends just because he wants to be “The man.” There is a little more in the mix as well as we were competing over a female at one point (although this has been going on far longer than that). So when we were on a beach in Mexico on vacation with the three of us standing there:
Me: Hey look a seagull
Him: Its not a seagull its a pelican
Me: Oh really, I thought it looked like a Seagull
Him: Well you obviously didnt see it because it was a pelican
(It went on a little from there but this is the general escallation, and throw some snazzy tone in there…)
Now I dont care if its a flying penguin its more about being respectful about it. Now here is the stink of it, it worked. She is now following him around (never mind the fact he has a girlfriend ). In situations like these I just have a hard time finding an assertive line (rather than just start digging into him). I am just starting to wonder when I am justified in being agressive back. I think I used my fear of conflict situations and hid a little behind catholocism so I didnt have to face it??? Either way I am looking for a healthy balance.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think I used my fear of conflict situations and hid a little behind catholocism so I didnt have to face it??? Either way I am looking for a healthy balance.

Some people just don’t get it unless you fight back in the same way. I don’t know what to think about it, because on the one hand it is not good to stoop to their level, but on the other they should not be allowed to bully people. I suspect it was all easier back in the day when a gentleman could sort it out in a duel But since that kind of thing is not allowed these days and this guy is not a gentleman, you could inform him that he is a jerk and that you’ve had enough of his stupid behaviour. And then you walk away from the creep and start hanging out with nice people.

 

[cmscms]

I am just starting to wonder when I am justified in being agressive back. I think I used my fear of conflict situations and hid a little behind catholocism so I didnt have to face it??? Either way I am looking for a healthy balance.

The situation is a lot more difficult because you are living with him. As much as it would be ideal to go live somewhere else, I know that if it is not financially possible, then you are stuck living there.

I think you have reached the point of being justified in fighting back. Just enough to get him to stop

CM

 

[chevalier]

Hows it going all. I have always had difficulties with relationships/friendships. One of the major issues I have had is with conflict. I am very conflict averse. I have always tried to listen well and be amiciable, as well as fair. Unfortunately I feel that people often times take advantage of this.
For example: A friend of mine who I now live with (along with his girlfriend) has been increasingly short and snappy with me. He tends to have this alpha male syndrome, always trying to cut you off, call you out on everything you say, etc… It gets pretty old after a while and Im finding it harder to just leave or keep quiet. I feel like my stress level goes up immensely not to mention destroying my self esteem. His girlfriend picks up on this and she is getting increasingly sassy as well. Now im 210lbs, former rugby player, hes maybe 160… I could crush him like a grape at any time. Of course I wouldnt do this because im a catholic .
I tend to have a difficult time with this type of thing because I want to fight back, and I will talk to him about it. But I have difficulties because I often times feel that if I fight back (verbally) I feel its anti-catholic to do so.
Genrally it will involve them being:
“well YOUR this, YOUR difficult, YOUR bad, etc etc etc…”
and it degrades from there. Now Im reading a book on assertiveness which seems to hit the nail on the head but I often times feel like the advice is anti-catholic? Now I am defiinitly on the scrupululous side of things with everything. So my question is, at what point is it alright to fight back? If being mature doesnt cut it do I ever fight back? My friends have all told me im too nice, but I care about my soul as well. Unfortunatly it often carries into interactions with other people.
This type of situation seems to negatively affect my life often, and the only time I get any respect is when I have a “Im not taking any **** attitude.” At what point do you fight back. Does being catholic mean getting waked on or being matyr all the time?

You may sometimes need to offer something up, at other times you may not need to per se but it may still be a better path spiritually. On the other hand, you don’t need to be a weak doormat. One important difference is standing up for your beliefs and ideals as opposed to calling someone on an occasional personal insult.

You have my sympathies. One of my own great struggles is finding a way to communicate with people who have chosen the adversarial style. Personally, I want to load them on an airplane and toss them out the airlock, but that wouldn’t be a very Catholic thing to do. (Few things annoy me but wasting resources on unnecessary infighting succeeds at it.)

In a way, you’re more alpha than that dude is because while his behaviour appears to be controlled by his emotions, you choose with your reason how you want to act.

A method I’ve tried in such situations is calmly and briefly informing people that they are wrong and why. This is not wishy-washy me-centred feedback (how it makes me feel, which people sometimes take, not without merit, as being a me-centred attitude that forgets others). Since we do need to admonish people lest they sin (I wanted to avoid the word “sinners” because I’d prefer not to judge them as such but we’re all sinners anyway), I suppose this isn’t wrong. It’s probably better for them to know. I’d prefer to be told too (rather than appeased and allowed to get spoiled further) and I’m pretty sure you’d also. So just tell that guy that being an *** isn’t really so alpha? Use language he understands, you don’t need to talk like a little girl to him. As a well-built rugby player you probably know the right words.

 

[Servant31]

Great advicce guys, thanks for the perspectives. I guess part of this for me is finding the line between scrupulosity and reality. I tend to be all or nothing and if Im giving I give everything, and if Im being selfish its all in, etc… Im happy to suffer or intentionally lose if thats what God wants. He has the plan after all and if He thinks it a good idea then Im eager to get on board. But if Im making my own burden for no reason then I need to change. Besides, I have, just once or twice, been wrong myself and getting their persective never hurts.
So I caling from the assertiveness manual what do you guys think of this:
“Bob (not real name), I feel a little attacked when you start attacking me personally rather than whatever it is we are talking about, especilly since you seem to do it in front of other people. I really dont feel it is appropriate or dealing with the issue at hand, nor is it respectful of a friend. I also feel that there is some frequent disrespectful behaviors. Its not one thing specifically but when you put it all together I feel it paints a pretty clear picture. I would rather not just move out and its getting to that point, but I would appreciate it if we could sort this out with something that work for us both.”

 

[Servant31]

Servant,

Do you have any specific anti-Catholic examples?

God Bless You.

Sorry Mummsie meant to get back to you earlier. The example was you would basically do anything necessary to defend your self respect. I havent been able to find a quote for that but for example, If I am in a bar and someone starts a fight with me. It might be better for my self respect to stand and fight, but I feel the Catholic thing to do is head for the exit if you can. Many would view this as cowardice, I view it as good for the soul, not to mention your physical health.

But one I found on the livestrong website was regarding Myths as reasons why people wouldnt stand up for their rights. One was:

Myth 4, Obligation: This myth indicates that some people disregard their personal needs and rights due to a belief in personal obligations to others. These people put others ahead of themselves. Obviously the others’ needs cannot always be met; however, those who routinely neglect to express their needs and rights, and who find themselves imposed upon quite frequently, are being restrained by this belief in the myth of obligation. They are often unable to make requests of others they project that others feel the obligation to meet their needs, too.

This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor the development of open, healthy relationships.

Source:
livestrong.com/article/14699-improving-assertive-behavior/

Perhaps I made an err but for Christians I thought the general order of importance is:

1. God
2. Others
3. Self

After some cinsideration Myth 4 here is the reason I often choose not to stand up for myself (oddly I dont have a problem standing up for others). However I am havin problems with relatioships frequently, and after all is said and done, isnt Catholocism about loving others so,
“This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor the development of open, healthy relationships.” Thoughts?

 

[Mummsie]

Hi,

First, no apologies needed. Second, I agree with your Christian priorities, God, Others, and Self. But when putting God or Others first, it needs to be done with love and respect. Otherwise, you’ll probaby get the doormat feeling. You may want to read some books by Mother Teresa as I believe she manged the love and respect extremely well. These priorities do seem to be in opposition of Myth 4. (Don’t remember learning theses Myths).

You indicate you are having problems with relationships frequently. Then it seems to me you might want to find the balance between passiveness and aggressiveness. Yielding to others’ bad behaviour, IMO, is not what God had in my mind when he said “Love others as I have loved you”. Neither, IMO, is inviting him to step outside.

Your suggested Assertive response makes sense to me: “Bob (not real name), I feel a little attacked when you start attacking me personally rather than whatever it is we are talking about, especilly since you seem to do it in front of other people. I really dont feel it is appropriate or dealing with the issue at hand, nor is it respectful of a friend. I also feel that there is some frequent disrespectful behaviors. Its not one thing specifically but when you put it all together I feel it paints a pretty clear picture. I would rather not just move out and its getting to that point, but I would appreciate it if we could sort this out with something that work for us both.” It is neither passive, nor aggressive. It gives “Bob” the opportunity to change or stay the same OR highlight some issues he’s been having with you. In any event you will be getting more information about Bob and this should help you with other decisions regarding your living arrangement.

I re-read the Assertiveness Rights and can’t see any blatant conflicts with our Catholic Beliefs. I also remembered the freedom these rights gave me (Of course, with God First).

God Bless you.

 

[chevalier]

So I caling from the assertiveness manual what do you guys think of this:
“Bob (not real name), I feel a little attacked when you start attacking me personally rather than whatever it is we are talking about, especilly since you seem to do it in front of other people. I really dont feel it is appropriate or dealing with the issue at hand, nor is it respectful of a friend. I also feel that there is some frequent disrespectful behaviors. Its not one thing specifically but when you put it all together I feel it paints a pretty clear picture. I would rather not just move out and its getting to that point, but I would appreciate it if we could sort this out with something that work for us both.”

Sounds good. I’d probably do something else, like a not overly inappropriate come-back when I caught him red-handed, but your solution is good too.