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St_Francis
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- You want to plan your wedding while away from home: find out how long the marriage prep will take.
- Get a job if you don’t already have one. Get a bank account of your own.
- Look in the local ads for a lady who is looking for a roommate who already has an apartment or find a place where you can stay until you marry.
- Plan your small wedding and your future life (you two will probably want to have a place to live arranged so when you are married, you’ll have your own place).
- Get married and live happily ever after.
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Anonymous911
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My parents are middle eastern. I really don’t think you fully understand unless you’re middle eastern. We don’t move out. I refuse to move out my families house let alone with a stranger. The only reason I’m moving out is because my parents disapprove of my love and have forbidden it completely and will DISOWN me. If I move out I’m moving out with my boyfriends family they are happy to support us until we move out on our OWN. I think the point is being missed here I find I have to keep repeating myself lol
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jnjinnc
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I offer this with the utmost of respect. You have asked questions, received advice and always had a reason why you cannot do what has been suggested. No, I am not middle eastern. Nor am I anything else you might identify with. What I am though is a retired, veteran police officer, with over 25 years on the streets.
To me, your situation appears very dangerous and has the potential to cause you, your fiancé or your family, a great deal of harm. To sum it up in one word, LEAVE. Not a matter of “how do I”. Just leave. Have a police escort, an attorney, someone from your church - whatever. But leave. Quit worrying about appearances, hurting feelings or any of the rest of it. Leave. Your life may well be at stake.
It matters very little that you tried to stay within the norms of your culture. Especially if you or a loved one is hurt because of your inability to accept the reality that you will not be able to arrive at a compromise. God Bless you.
John
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Joe_5859
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Thank you for the clarification. I figured there must be some reason you keep asking about this and I didn’t want to simply see everything re-hashed if there is some fundamental question going unanswered.Yes, the reason why I’ve posted more than once is because my main question is still unanswered. Everybody seems to fly past it.
I didn’t want to post a thread with that question only, because I would have plenty of posters telling me that I’m making the wrong decision when they don’t even know the story. Hence why I’ve had to repeat myself so many times, sorry.
- how do I leave the house? Should I leave overnight when they are asleep? I find it is the most useful way without getting abused as opposed to if I left in their sight. But I also don’t want to shock them, but I have no other choice
You are probably right that we don’t understand the cultural differences. But many of us are concerned because you have mentioned occasions where you were abused and threatened. All cultural differences aside, as there is nothing in our Catholic faith that would prohibit you moving out of your parents’ house at 22 years old, we are encouraging you to do so as soon as possible out of concern for your safety. And moving in with your boyfriend to escape your current situation tends to saddle the relationship with baggage that it doesn’t really need.
It would seem to me that “running away” in the middle of the night would be a bit impractical. But I don’t know how much stuff you have or what you plan on bringing with you.
Do you have any friends besides your boyfriend and his family? What are their thoughts? Is there a priest you could talk to from a different parish who you would feel could be more impartial?
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EasterJoy
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If you are going to move away from a home situation where there might be physical retaliation for your action, you need an intelligent plan. The ones most likely to be able to help you are a local women’s shelter or a local youth shelter, and if I understand correctly, Australia has both. They will have experience with the practices of your family’s ethnic group and will have the most sensible advice about how to navigate the very real dangers you face. For instance, I am sure they will suggest that you get rid of anything that could lead vindictive family members or their agents to the homes of your fiancé’s family or to the place where you will ultimately take shelter. They will also be able to counsel you on how prevalent it is in your community to actually carry out these threats. It does differ a lot from group to group.
This is very scary, but consider that you are going to face this whenever the first time you really cross your family comes. At least now it will be easier for you to disappear, without putting children of your own in danger, for instance. Even if you decide not to marry your current fiancé for some reason, I would encourage you to get into a living situation that leaves you far less vulnerable, guard the information needed to keep you safe from attacks made on you because you don’t toe the family line in the future, and stay there.
Since your parents are Catholic, I would also suggest that you enlist the aid of a priest you trust. You can think about that, and choose one who will not put the demands of your ethnic group over the demand that two Catholics free to marry not be kept from doing so by threats and coercion. Since you are in college, one of the priests that serve your college, one who knows your ethnic group but isn’t in the social circle of your parents, might be a good choice. If your pastor is both in your ethnic group but also consistently challenges his flock to put the faith first over the attitudes of the “tribe,” then that would be the best case, particularly if he knows your parents well and commands their respect, as he is in a position to be a liaison having some clout with your parents. Who knows, he might even accompany you when you pick up your stuff and go.
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Anonymous911
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Thank you John. It is extremely hard but I guess that’s the reality I’ve got to face. God bless you.
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Anonymous911
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Yes I have friends but my parents have even tried making me cut ties with them because they think they’re a bad influence for supporting my interracial relationship. Sounds ridiculous right? I can’t really speak to my cousins, because they wouldn’t be on my side completely and they find that if I’m ‘running away’ I will be shunned down forever by not only my family but their families and my culture really. Ugh and they call themselves catholic…
The only full support I have is my boyfriend. Everybody knows I’m back with my boyfriend and they’re confused as to why- if my parents already didn’t accept. They literally tell me “what are you doing, your parents are gonna kill you”…
I contacted my priest today and he is willing to help. He doesn’t know the story yet though but I’m worried he may be on my parents racist side. Although I don’t really know as of yet. He has dealt with much worse situations such as somebody leaving Christianity behind for a different religion because of love. So surely mine can’t be THAT bad
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Joe_5859
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I wouldn’t presume the priest is on your parent’s side, especially if he is not from your same cultural background. Most priests are good men with a heart for service. I cannot imagine him telling you that you need to do what your parents say and stay in a situation where you are being threatened and abused. Please do talk with him.
If you have other friends who are not family, reach out to them, too. Any support you can get will make it easier for you to leave.
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Anonymous911
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Well he actually is from the exact same cultural background. He’s my priest and it’s my church.
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Joe_5859
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I wasn’t sure seeing as how you are in Australia. I know that it happens here in the U.S. that certain ethnic groups cluster together in certain parishes, but I wasn’t sure if that was true for you.
I still would not hesitate to talk to him. He is a Catholic priest first.
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EasterJoy
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I had a friend who shocked and upset her grandmother when my friend married a dark-skinned man. By the time her younger sister did the same thing, it was no big deal, because the older sister’s husband was such an obviously good man. If the younger generation doesn’t enforce the “shunning,” then the older generation winds up rather toothless.
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CatholicGuy31
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This is a very sad but real fact that our universal Catholic religion is not truly universal in some cultures. I have (sadly) seen this myself having lived in the Middle East for a long time. It is also common in some parts of Asia, the cultural differences and bank accounts are sometimes more important than the respect for true love and the Catholic faith.
Let me assure you that as far as the Church is concerned your marriage is NOT a mixed marriage. In fact I think it is a beautiful manifestation that we are all truly one in the faith and that love can exist between different cultures.
There is only one thing I was not clear about after reading through all the posts, that is whether he has actually proposed and whether you have accepted. This being the case I see no reason not to go ahead. I think the real decision to be made is to choose between loosing this love or loosing your family. Unfortunately whatever decision you make it won’t be an easy one. I pray that you will make the one that preserves your future happiness.
If you do decide to leave your family, please do heed all the warnings mentioned in the previous posts as there is some good advice here.
May our Lord and our Blessed Virgin Mother be your guide through this difficult time.
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Anonymous911
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He has wanted to propose as soon as my parents accepted him, but they didn’t, which means he can’t propose yet. It’s been complicated. But as soon as I finally choose to be with him (run away) then he will finally propose and do what he has always wanted to do and make me his wife forever. He wants to propose now but I don’t allow it until it’s official I have left.
Thank you. God bless you.
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CatholicGuy31
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I understand. Given the situation this is probably the right thing to do.
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yk1468
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Are your parents catholic?, than make them read the bible verses Numbers 12. Plus a link to an online bible biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Numbers%2012&version=NIV
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SuperLuigi
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I’ll have to ultimately defer to your priest on matters on conscience.My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
I’ve never opened up to my parents about any guy I have dated or liked in the past, but I told them about my current bf because we are willing and determined to take the next step. The only problem is (I’ll cut to the chase) they’ll NEVER approve him because he is black. We live in Australia, and I am middle eastern - we are both born and raised Catholic, so religiously, no problem at all (thank God).
I literally have no other choice but to run away. His parents are accepting, I have met them and they told me “if my son is happy with you, then that is what matters and we will support you both no matter what, if you want to move in here, we are happy to support you until you both move out and find a place for yourselves”… I appreciate that so much from them. My parents on the other hand are EXTREMELY racist and refuse to ever meet him no matter how much of a good guy he is. They threaten to disown me, kill me, and tell me I’m the devil for being with him. They have even abused me. They always make me feel guilty, telling me now that I’m the reason for my dad’s chest problems and it makes me feel very bad because I love them both so much, but they just cannot accept my love and care too much about reputation and that I should ‘equally’ be married to a nice white guyugh… they throw in the “you’re not marrying him not even over my dead body… not now not in a hundred years…”
My man doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, or take drugs. He is a professional athlete. And I just finished my medical degree. We are both 22 years old and financially stable, we have thought about every negative and only encourages us to be with each other more as husband and wife. We want to get married (in a catholic church of course), and the only option for me is to do it behind their backs because they will NEVER accept with their racist small minds. I pray every night, every night that God may soften their hearts, but I feel as though even when I’m married with children it may not happen. They’ll always be evil and racist.
Do I sneak out? They think I left him a few months ago but we are still together and more in love than ever. If I tell them again that I’m still with him, they will literally bash me.
I’ve decided to contact my priest for some advice, but I’m afraid he will tell me not to leave me parents and to obey them even if they are racist? This is so difficult but one thing I must admit is that God has definitely washed away my fears and doubt slowly each day… I know I’m still very young and yes there are plenty of fish in the sea, but who’s to say this isn’t my destiny and this is written in my life?
I think it’s pretty low that your parents are blaming your father’s medical problems on you. It sounds like you live with them, and if you are stable, it’s time to move out. You seem like a responsible 22 year old and I don’t think you need your parents to tell you so explicitly who you can and cannot date.
As always, if you really are abused by anyone, you should file a police report.
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underacloud
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You are contradicting yourself. You both criticise and hold tight to your ethnic traditions.
You refuse to move out, yet that’s exactly what you plan to do, to be with your BF.
Listed to 1ke. Listen to the advice already given in the other threads.
This is Australia. You have plenty of options. You are choosing to do this the hard way, and as far as I can tell it is simply to justify in your own mind that you need to move in with your BF. No, you don’t.
Find a female flatmate. Start your marriage preparation and do it the proper way (I’d suggest in a different parish to your current one). File a police report if you genuinely fear your parents. You are an adult. Act like one.
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Anonymous911
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I just received a job opportunity today as a dental assistant/nurse, but my parents don’t allow me to go to the interview because it’s not ‘local’ enough for them. This is ridiculous. I’m leaving.
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Petaro
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The one good thing about your situation is that Australia is so multi-cultural no one will see your leaving an abusive environment as anything but good. Most intelligent Australians are not racist, especially if your fiance is Aboriginal. There is more racism here against middle easterners than “blacks”, which most of us find an unnecessary adjective for any person.
Chuck your last vestiges of a medieval culture and go your own way in a free Australia. This, after all is what your parents came to Australia for.
Chuck your last vestiges of a medieval culture and go your own way in a free Australia. This, after all is what your parents came to Australia for.
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