Interracial Catholic Relationship

[Book_Worm]

I really don’t understand why you ask for advice on this - or any other - forum. This is what, your third or fourth thread on the same subject?

You are correct, most of us are not Middle Eastern so we do not understand the culture. None of us know your family and it’s dynamics. So why are you asking for advice? If you are mature enough to marry and start a family, you should be able to make the decision to leave home without asking for validation from strangers on the internet.

Is it because you are unsure of your decision? Are you sure of your fiance’s character and his commitment to you or are you impressed by the fact that he’s a professional athlete? (Honestly, I would think long and hard about entering a marriage with anyone in that line of work.).

If you do intend to leave, why are you asking your parents for permission to get a job? How will you balance the demands of a medical education with working full time? In the U.S., the course work is so overwhelming that it would be nearly impossible. Is it that different in Australia?

I do not mean to be unkind, but your posts sound very young and somewhat immature, which is natural if you come from a very sheltered background. I don’t see you as being ready to take such a big step as marriage. And the fact that your parents are so opposed to your relationship only makes it that much more attractive.

 

[Anonymous911]

I really don’t understand why you ask for advice on this - or any other - forum. This is what, your third or fourth thread on the same subject?

You are correct, most of us are not Middle Eastern so we do not understand the culture. None of us know your family and it’s dynamics. So why are you asking for advice? If you are mature enough to marry and start a family, you should be able to make the decision to leave home without asking for validation from strangers on the internet.

Is it because you are unsure of your decision? Are you sure of your fiance’s character and his commitment to you or are you impressed by the fact that he’s a professional athlete? (Honestly, I would think long and hard about entering a marriage with anyone in that line of work.).

If you do intend to leave, why are you asking your parents for permission to get a job? How will you balance the demands of a medical education with working full time? In the U.S., the course work is so overwhelming that it would be nearly impossible. Is it that different in Australia?

I do not mean to be unkind, but your posts sound very young and somewhat immature, which is natural if you come from a very sheltered background. I don’t see you as being ready to take such a big step as marriage. And the fact that your parents are so opposed to your relationship only makes it that much more attractive.

Hi Book Worm,

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

The reason why I posted a thread on a catholic forum is because I want advice from a catholic point of view. Of course I am doubtful with my actions, I don’t know more than others, I’m just a 21 year old girl who is confused with her life because I have to choose between my family and my lover.

I’m sorry if my posts come off as ‘immature’ in your opinion, unfortunately that’s how I feel in all of them and is basically the current situation I’m in.

First off, the reason for the different threads is because of updates and seeking new advice.
Also, I need my parents permission about my job because I live under their roof and after all I am their daughter, there’s only so much I can do when they are intimidating. It’s hard to explain, and so you probably won’t understand fully.

And again, this post isn’t ‘validation’ for whether I’m going to run away or not, it is simply a way of seeking for advice in a catholic point of view, and to be honest, many many posters and comments have helped me greatly in opening my eyes and giving me certainty that what I was feeling isn’t wrong at all. Kindly understand.

God bless.

 

[runningdude]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
I’ve never opened up to my parents about any guy I have dated or liked in the past, but I told them about my current bf because we are willing and determined to take the next step. The only problem is (I’ll cut to the chase) they’ll NEVER approve him because he is black. We live in Australia, and I am middle eastern - we are both born and raised Catholic, so religiously, no problem at all (thank God).

I literally have no other choice but to run away. His parents are accepting, I have met them and they told me “if my son is happy with you, then that is what matters and we will support you both no matter what, if you want to move in here, we are happy to support you until you both move out and find a place for yourselves”… I appreciate that so much from them. My parents on the other hand are EXTREMELY racist and refuse to ever meet him no matter how much of a good guy he is. They threaten to disown me, kill me, and tell me I’m the devil for being with him. They have even abused me.

This is domestic violence. You need to get the police involved, unless you can leave and sever ties immediately.

…

Do I sneak out?

Australia is a free country. You can simply move out. Rather than immediately move in with your boy friend’s family, you may benefit from a transitional home for battered women. This website, or similar sites, may provide assistance: (dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services)

 

[Allegra]

I think you should make plans to move out immediately. No one should be abused by anyone for any reason. You are old enough and you state that you are financially stable. So, what are you doing there? Get your own place to live.

I don’t think, however, that the answer is to cohabitate with your boyfriend, even in his parents’ house. If you are wondering if having abusive, racist parents who don’t approve of your boyfriend makes yours a special case in the department of cohabitation, it does not. You should get onto your own feet and live alone or with a girlfriend until you are married.

 

[DeniseNY]

The thing that is concerning me about this the most (and I asked this question of the OP in either this thread, or one of the others) is whether or not her parents actually do believe in so-called “honor” killings. She has written multiple times that her parents have threatened her with bodily harm. I think this is too far out of the realm of something that should be discussed on a message board. She’s been given good advice, but with the volatility of her parents, I think she has to take this to people within her own community - including the police.

 

[Anonymous911]

The thing that is concerning me about this the most (and I asked this question of the OP in either this thread, or one of the others) is whether or not her parents actually do believe in so-called “honor” killings. She has written multiple times that her parents have threatened her with bodily harm. I think this is too far out of the realm of something that should be discussed on a message board. She’s been given good advice, but with the volatility of her parents, I think she has to take this to people within her own community - including the police.

Hi Denise NY,

Yes they are pretty crazy with their so called ‘threats’ but it does not scare me anymore.
Till this day they downgrade me, but I know I’m leaving, and if they expect to hurt me, then I will have the police involved.

God bless

 

[runningdude]

Hi Denise NY,

Yes they are pretty crazy with their so called ‘threats’ but it does not scare me anymore.
Till this day they downgrade me, but I know I’m leaving, and if they expect to hurt me, then I will have the police involved.

God bless

…
I don’t think, however, that the answer is to cohabitate with your boyfriend, even in his parents’ house. If you are wondering if having abusive, racist parents who don’t approve of your boyfriend makes yours a special case in the department of cohabitation, it does not. …

In an emergency, sometimes unideal situations can be tolerated. Living temporarily with a trusted family, even if romantically involved, could be acceptable when escaping abuse. It is not the only option, however.

 

[runningdude]

I really don’t understand why you ask for advice on this - or any other - forum. This is what, your third or fourth thread on the same subject?

You are correct, most of us are not Middle Eastern so we do not understand the culture. None of us know your family and it’s dynamics. So why are you asking for advice? If you are mature enough to marry and start a family, you should be able to make the decision to leave home without asking for validation from strangers on the internet.

Is it because you are unsure of your decision? Are you sure of your fiance’s character and his commitment to you or are you impressed by the fact that he’s a professional athlete? (Honestly, I would think long and hard about entering a marriage with anyone in that line of work.).

If you do intend to leave, why are you asking your parents for permission to get a job? How will you balance the demands of a medical education with working full time? In the U.S., the course work is so overwhelming that it would be nearly impossible. Is it that different in Australia?

I do not mean to be unkind, but your posts sound very young and somewhat immature, which is natural if you come from a very sheltered background. I don’t see you as being ready to take such a big step as marriage. And the fact that your parents are so opposed to your relationship only makes it that much more attractive.

This post is completely uncalled for. A young women is trying to build the courage to leave an abusive family situation, and you call her “immature”. Living in an abusive situation can damage one’s judgement. Having conflicting feelings of loyalty and desperation is extremely common, and often hinder people’s ability to make healthy but difficult choices.

To undermine the OP at a vulnerable moment such as this is wrong. If you have no good advice, then you should either refer her to sources that can provide this advice, or you should not offer any advice at all.

 

[Zcasta]

Wow that sounds really intense, and if your parents do not want to accept him then that is on them, but if they are abusing you and threatening your life then you have to find a way to distance yourself from them. Life isn’t for us to give and take ultimately that is up to God, and for your parents to be devout Catholics, but be willing to abuse you and physically harm you simply because your boyfriend is black then there are some other issues going on, and it is not fair to you to give up what seems like a great relationship just to please your parents. At the end of the day if you are not going against God then I say you should not feel guilty for your actions. It is hard because they are your parents, but if their only justification is that they do not approve because of his skin color then that is not justifiable. They should be more worried about how he treats you not what he looks like.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Book_Worm]

This post is completely uncalled for. A young women is trying to build the courage to leave an abusive family situation, and you call her “immature”. Living in an abusive situation can damage one’s judgement. Having conflicting feelings of loyalty and desperation is extremely common, and often hinder people’s ability to make healthy but difficult choices.

To undermine the OP at a vulnerable moment such as this is wrong. If you have no good advice, then you should either refer her to sources that can provide this advice, or you should not offer any advice at all.

Read her posts: her family will kill her. Oh, not really “kill” her - you know what she means. (No, I don’t. Yell at her? Physically assault her? What have they done to her in the past?). She can’t move out of her parents’ home and live with a female roommate because that’s not done in her culture, yet she plans to move out and marry a man her parents disapprove of.

She describes herself as a confused 21-year-old girl. Do you think a confused 21-year-old girl is mature enough to make a lifetime commitment in marriage? I don’t.

She wants to go to med school and hold down a job and get married, a lot on anyone’s plate. She’s been posting about this since June but has yet to take any positive steps to actually accomplish any of this in all that time.

Has she gotten a storage locker and begun to move her things out surreptitiously? Has she investigated the financial resources she’ll need to continue her education? (Depending on support from the parents of someone to whom she is not yet married is not a plan nor, to my mind, very mature.) Has she spoken with the authorities to determine what safety measures will be available to her? Has she lined up a job that she can begin as soon as she leaves? Has she established a bank account in only her name and moved her funds to it?

She’s only 21, fairly young to marry today. Many, many parents will tell you that the quickest way to make someone attractive to your child is to forbid her to see him.

The reason that she gives for asking strangers on the internet for advice is to gain a Catholic perspective. She’s had four months of Catholic advice, most of it the same. She keeps posting that unless you are middle eastern, you cannot understand her situation. When posters suggest she talk to her priest, she points out that we can’t understand why that’s not possible because we are not middle eastern.

(Possibly OT, but I’m confused as to her status. She’s said that she’s graduated from medical school, but she’s also said she’s “on the path” to becoming a doctor. Educational structure in Australia might be very different in Australia than the U.S., but graduating from med school at 21 is very unusual here.)

Then she asks how she should leave, should she sneak out at night? Do you need a Catholic perspective for that? Honestly, if you’re not mature enough to figure out how to get out of your parents’ house, are you mature enough to embark on a demanding career and begin life as a wife?

She’s asking for advice on the internet. I think advising her to discern whether she truly is ready to be married is very good advice, even if you don’t.

 

[runningdude]

Read her posts: her family will kill her. Oh, not really “kill” her - you know what she means. (No, I don’t. Yell at her? Physically assault her? What have they done to her in the past?). She can’t move out of her parents’ home and live with a female roommate because that’s not done in her culture, yet she plans to move out and marry a man her parents disapprove of.

She describes herself as a confused 21-year-old girl. Do you think a confused 21-year-old girl is mature enough to make a lifetime commitment in marriage? I don’t.
…
She’s asking for advice on the internet. I think advising her to discern whether she truly is ready to be married is very good advice, even if you don’t.

In my post, I recommended she seek transitional housing, rather than become immediately dependent on her boyfriend/fiance. I also provided a link to a referral service in Australia for abuse victims. This is a young women who apparently needs professional guidance; she probably should not be seeking advise on the internet, specifically because of the contradictory advice she may receive.

 

[Book_Worm]

In my post, I recommended she seek transitional housing, rather than become immediately dependent on her boyfriend/fiance. I also provided a link to a referral service in Australia for abuse victims. This is a young women who apparently needs professional guidance; she probably should not be seeking advise on the internet, specifically because of the contradictory advice she may receive.

Yes, you did. Did she follow any of your advice? Or did she say that she only wanted to leave her parents’ home to live with and marry her BF? Did she reject your advice about the referral service or did she reject it because she wanted to protect her parents’ reputation?

My entire point was that asking for advice on the internet was not what she should be doing, which you seem to agree with.

 

[moonlight87]

I find it hard to believe that staying with your boyfriend is really your only option. Don’t you have money to find yourself a small room? Can’t you ask your priest if he knows a place where you can temporary stay until you find yourself a job? Why don’t you make a plan instead of keep talking about getting married with your boyfriend. You should not depend on him at this stage.

 

[henpecked]

you are 22 years old and financially stable… both Catholic… how do you say “goodbye” in your native language? your parents should hear it. And don’t live real close to them.