Interracial thought - is it legitamite?

[phil8888]

Hi guys,

I’m in a relationship with an Indian girl. I’m thinking of proposing. She moved to Canada when she was like 5, and lived here ever since, so she’s very Canadianized. She has no accent, for e.g. Anyway, I’m white, and where I am from the population is 99% white, literally.

Anyway, do you think it’s a logical fear that I have. It’s a bit hard to explain, but obviously she has an Indian name, but I sometimes think people might be racist or something. Like when someone talks about their spouse, they’ll say oh yeh Joan is … or Bob is … etc. but obviously people will ask me to repeat her name all the time and not really remember it. and also the fact that she’s Indian, etc.

Maybe I’m not being very clear, but I’m just wondering about people’s reaction, etc. I’m not sure how to relate this to other people, but maybe you could compare a lot of people in my area to “rednecks”…?

I think I have issues with confidence with other people in general and this may be part of my issue here.

Anyway, I just want to get your thoughts on this… not sure how clear I am…

 

[flyingfish]

I think I have issues with confidence with other people in general and this may be part of my issue here.

Anyway, I just want to get your thoughts on this… not sure how clear I am…

You definitely need to work on your confidence. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Okay, say some of your friends are racist, and when they ask the name of your wife and you say her Indian name they will think their racist thoughts and in the worst case make racist comments.

So what? If someone makes a racist comment about your wife, you stop being their friend and that’s the end of it.

The important thing is being married to a woman you love, not what some people may or may not think of her name.

 

[SMHW]

My brother’s wife is of Indian descent. (She is actually from Kenya.) He is white.

If you live in a place where people are prejudiced then you may get some grief about it. If you aren’t up to handling it then do this girl a favor and don’t propose to her.

But better that you be a man and learn to stand up for yourself and those you love. A husband has to be able to stand up for his wife and his children. That includes standing against family and friends if necessary.

 

[phil8888]

You definitely need to work on your confidence. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Okay, say some of your friends are racist, and when they ask the name of your wife and you say her Indian name they will think their racist thoughts and in the worst case make racist comments.

So what? If someone makes a racist comment about your wife, you stop being their friend and that’s the end of it.

The important thing is being married to a woman you love, not what some people may or may not think of her name.

Thanks. As strange as this might sound, I think I’m more concerned about what people might be “thinking” rather than saying out loud. Like if they say something outloud, it’s out there and obvious. I guess I just think about what people are “thinking”. People sometimes say I’m secretive, but that’s because I don’t want to say something because people might judge me…

 

[SMHW]

Thanks. As strange as this might sound, I think I’m more concerned about what people might be “thinking” rather than saying out loud. Like if they say something outloud, it’s out there and obvious. I guess I just think about what people are “thinking”. People sometimes say I’m secretive, but that’s because I don’t want to say something because people might judge me…

If people are thinking something but not saying anything then perhaps it is because they know their thoughts are disordered and they don’t want to act on their thoughts.

 

[flyingfish]

Thanks. As strange as this might sound, I think I’m more concerned about what people might be “thinking” rather than saying out loud. Like if they say something outloud, it’s out there and obvious. I guess I just think about what people are “thinking”. People sometimes say I’m secretive, but that’s because I don’t want to say something because people might judge me…

It’s something you should work on. Things that people think to themselves have no effect on you. If their thoughts carry over into the way they act, you always have the option of not being around them.

As a suggestion for how to change your attitude, deliberately say things to people that you think will cause them to judge you. It will involve facing your fears, but you will gradually become desensitized to it when you notice that being judged has no effect on you.

If you’re worried about your wife’s name in particular, make sure to mention her name in many conversations you have with friends.

This kind of technique is pretty effective to fight fears.

 

[phil8888]

It’s something you should work on. Things that people think to themselves have no effect on you. If their thoughts carry over into the way they act, you always have the option of not being around them.

As a suggestion for how to change your attitude, deliberately say things to people that you think will cause them to judge you. It will involve facing your fears, but you will gradually become desensitized to it when you notice that being judged has no effect on you.

Thanks FlyingFish. I heard that before, perhaps phrased a different way, but that’s an awesome suggestion. Thanks.

 

[Tsuwano]

Hi guys,

I’m in a relationship with an Indian girl. I’m thinking of proposing. She moved to Canada when she was like 5, and lived here ever since, so she’s very Canadianized. She has no accent, for e.g. Anyway, I’m white, and where I am from the population is 99% white, literally.

Anyway, do you think it’s a logical fear that I have. It’s a bit hard to explain, but obviously she has an Indian name, but I sometimes think people might be racist or something. Like when someone talks about their spouse, they’ll say oh yeh Joan is … or Bob is … etc. but obviously people will ask me to repeat her name all the time and not really remember it. and also the fact that she’s Indian, etc.

Maybe I’m not being very clear, but I’m just wondering about people’s reaction, etc. I’m not sure how to relate this to other people, but maybe you could compare a lot of people in my area to “rednecks”…?

I think I have issues with confidence with other people in general and this may be part of my issue here.

Anyway, I just want to get your thoughts on this… not sure how clear I am…

As a white American married to a Japanese woman I often meet people who mispronounce my wife’s name. I also meet Japanese who mispronounce my name. It doesn’t mean they are racist or unaccepting of you or your wife. It simply means you have to deal with people who don’t know how to pronounce names or words they are unfamiliar with. Many people in Canada may find your marriage unusual, but guess what? According to their experience, it is unusual. Again, that doesn’t mean they are racist or do not wish you well. I think most people will be accepting of your lady friend based upon her personality and who she is whether she is married to you or not. Don’t worry about it. While I’m on the subject, your use of the term “redneck” strikes me as similar to the kind of judgements from others you hope to avoid if you should marry the girl from India. What is a redneck and where do they live? Why do you automatically assume that those you would label as “redneck” are racist? Do you think some self examination is called for?

 

[Musician]

I am Native American, my DH is white: we’ve never given it the slightest thought. Of course, I am light-skinned and don’t necessarily look very Native, but our boys came out dark-skinned with unusually-colored eyes. We think that it is pretty neat.
We are also from the South and have never heard anything derogatory from the rednecks around. Also, who cares what anyone thinks?

 

[jman507]

If you want others to accept her, then your going to have to, how do I best say this, allow some of the reaction of others, so long as it is not out of order. We’ve been hearing Bob and Joan all of our life, if you throw in some exotic name, its just going to take awhile to learn. Sure you might have to repeat it numerous times, at least they are trying to learn it. Sure you may get people staring at you two longer when you are out, but if it is 99% white there, she is different. If you went to a number of places in India, they’d be staring at you. It doesn’t mean that they are racist, although I’m sure some are there, it just means she is different, and they are trying to process it all. If you remember the line about spreading the word of the gospel and use words if necessary, look at it this way, you want others to accept her, take it in the same light. If they see you acting just like a couple, then eventually they’ll accept her as just another person and not something odd.

 

[Gwyn]

Would like to share something, I learned from my Dad soon after my Mum died. (was 18 at the time) - Do not worry about what people will think or say. If you are happy and doing your best and what is right that is all that matters. We were preparing for the one month memorial and I was worried people would think it was a party (dinner after the mass)…especially since we were in mourning…

BTW I am Indian. I guess it does depend where you are, but these days there are lots of interracial marriages…Earlier this month my cousin married a Greek girl. In August another cousin is marrying a Chinese girl and iin October my Sister is marrying an Italian. again in the GTA this is no big deal.

My 2 cents - If you love her, go ahead propose and then stand up for her. All the Best.

 

[rick43235]

I am Caucasian and my wife is Asian. I never give our different races a thought, and I guess I just assume that no one else does either. Occasionally someone will ask where she is from, but it is usually out of perfectly innocent curiosity. Typically, she welcomes such inquiries. Of course, there is no way to know what someone is thinking, but in my experience, it would be extremely rare for someone to actually make an overtly racist remark to you or your wife.

 

[cmscms]

There is NOTHING wrong with marrying a person of another race. However, as with every choice you make in life there are issues (or consequences) that are unfair. If you are doing God`s will then he will give you the strengh to go through it. Somethings though I want to mention

I am English and grew up in Quebec. NOBODY could pronounce my name and it was hard. Now that I am older, I half see their point. I have a mild french accent an although I am English I can really mispronounce even English names. And to be honest, I do find it an annoyance to have to pronounce something difficult. Not to mention that when it comes to names, a lot of people are bad. eg always calling Bob Greg and calling Kelly Wendy. It is just something that might never be solved.

When you have children, the sad truth, kids can be cruel. The kids at school will say How come your daddy is white if you arent You need to be a supportive dad through out it all. I agree with the poster who said, if you arent up for the challenge don`t do it.

Pray that God leads you to his will

CM

 

[monicatholic]

think I’m more concerned about what people might be “thinking” rather than saying out loud.

personal rule— it is absolutely NONE of my business what people are thinking-- even if they’re thinking it about*** me***. people’s thoughts are private property unless they choose to share them.

additionally, i have found that the times i break my rule and ***imagine ***i can guess other people’s thoughts, it’s been time and again PROVED I’m a lousy mind-reader.

 

[Sarabande]

I think the major thing you should focus on is your inner strength and confidence. You can’t care what people might be thinking of you and your potential wife. Today I would say for many people interracial relationships are no big deal, but there are still people who will find it wrong and even disgusting - although most of those people would never say anything to you. You need to be strong enough to mentally fight or ignore any overt show or hidden thoughts of disapproval, because you will run into people who will be turned off by it. Take it from a person who is racially mixed and have experienced people who were downright racist to people who were extremely loving and accepting.

My mother is Filipina and my father is Caucasion. When my parents were dating in the 70s, it was a much larger concern, so they had some serious talks about how potential prejudice would effect their relationship. They are very strong people, confident in themselves, their own character and their love for each other, so they were not as concerned about themselves and how others would see them. What they were more worried about was how their future children would be perceived. They knew they had to be prepared to handle situations where my siblings and I would be treated badly because we were mixed. Unfortunately, we were treated poorly by certain children and even some adults because we were “so different” (and I want to say these people were NOT in the majority, fortunately). We were called names - “dumb chinks”, “half breeds”. Adults wouldn’t call us names (although the old priest who baptised me, called me a mongruel), but would do things like invite every child in the class to a birthday party, but not you, or would treat you like you should be pitied.

My siblings and I got through this period, though, because we had strong parents who helped us develop a sense of self and inner strength and beauty as people. We learned to not care what those ignorant people did or thought about us.

This was all in the 80s and early 90s, so I think things have changed a lot since then. You do see a lot more interracial couples around where I live and it’s the first time where I see kids who actually kind of look like my siblings and I when we were younger.

The reason I tell you this is because I’ve been there, having been the object of cruelty due to being mixed and watching how my mother rose up above those who treated her badly. Today, society may be more accepting of interracial relationships, but you still need to be aware of ignorance by some people. Sometimes these people don’t even realize they are being rude or even showing signs of racism or prejudice. At the same time, definitely don’t worry about potential problems. But if/when you do experience it, you’ve got to be mentally and spiritually strong. Most importantly, be prepared for your future children. They will need the strength and guidance from you and your future wife.

 

[jman507]

personal rule— it is absolutely NONE of my business what people are thinking-- even if they’re thinking it about*** me***. people’s thoughts are private property unless they choose to share them.

additionally, i have found that the times i break my rule and ***imagine ***i can guess other people’s thoughts, it’s been time and again PROVED I’m a lousy mind-reader.

Sometimes what you imagine what they are thinking is more a reflection on the imaginer than what that person is thinking. Hehe done the same thing myself.