Intimacy Compatibility

[Tarsier]

Hey all,

I’m a frequent (past) contributor, though mostly under a different name. I did a search in the family life section of the forums recently for issues dealing with intimacy compatibility issues between a husband and wife. I’m fine with admitting that this is a struggle in my marriage. We practice NFP (through which we’ve welcomed five kiddos here and at least one who didn’t make it full term) and understand the teachings of the Church. I’ve studied and given talks on Theology of the Body, so well-versed in that.

It seemed, though, that the threads I found soon gravitated toward the issue of a wife’s sexual drive not being compatible with her husband’s. Some common themes occur, such as the effects of pornography, the different “triggers” for sexual arousal in males and females, and the virtue of temperance. These are all certainly worthy topics for discussion.

Often, though, (at least once because of some short-sighted comments by a male contributor) the theme drifts toward whether or not a wife has an obligation to provide sexual intimacy at a level compatible with her husband’s (or the other way around if the situation is reversed, as it sometimes is). I’d like to leave that conversation for those other threads and focus on what I consider the bigger umbrella issue, which is not sexual incompatibility, but incompatibility of intimacy and emotional support. This certainly affects a marital sexual relationship, but only a symptom of a greater problem.

This is the problem that my wife and I are struggling with. She has admitted that she comes from a family that struggled with displays of affection and expressions of support. For me, these are as simple as random hand-holding, unexpected hugs or expressions of appreciation for contributions to the family. Of course, then, this same struggle often manifests itself sexually. For me, when my wife and I are on different wavelengths in the bedroom, it really doesn’t bother me with regard to satisfying some carnal need. Rather, when I make overtures or feel that she isn’t into that part of the relationship, it comes as an emotional rejection. In our case, she has struggled with being comfortable with the physical/sexual part of her identity. I’m not sure what the cause is, and as she isn’t comfortable with counseling, the cause will probably go undiscovered, but again, this feeds into a feeling of rejection on my end, as it makes me self-search for some cause in my personality that turns her away from trusting me intimately.

So, I write all of this, not to solicit advice or to point out my wife’s flaws (which is why I’m discussing on the forum, where there is a level of anonymity, as this really isn’t the business of anyone who knows her, and our calling is to support and build one another up among our friends/families/acquaintances). Rather, it is to bring up the issue of, not sexual incompatibility, but intimacy incompatibility and see if others have thoughts or perhaps know of good resources?

 

[pensmama87]

I know you’ve said you’ve read other threads - have you come across the concept of love languages?

My family was not demonstrative growing up either, and that may contribute to this, but physical touch is not one of my “love languages.” It’s not that I hate doing it, but it just doesn’t occur to me to be “physical” with my affection most of the time. It’s not my preference. My main love language is “acts of service” - I do stuff for people. My husband, who is a “physical touch” kind of guy, can miss on that stuff. So here we are, doing loving things for each other, and feeling ignored because the other spouse isn’t noticing or responding the way we want. It’s a terrible breeding ground for resentment. And if you feel like the signals you put out there aren’t being received, you eventually stop because, what’s the point?

Intimacy comes in a lot of forms, and it requires vulnerability. We don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable if there isn’t trust. An excellent way to build trust is to show people that we care, and for them to hear it it needs to be in a way that they intuitively understand. It works best when it’s mutual, but typically someone has to agree to do it first, or you’re just playing a game of “chicken” forever and nobody is happy.

How can you let your wife know you love her in a way that she will listen? Not in an expectation of exchange, but in a way that will let her know it is safe to be vulnerable with you? Will she appreciate compliments, quality time, little gifts, acts of service?

Another note is that especially with young children, it can be very easy to feel “touched out.” Since I know now how much it means to my husband, I make an effort for him, but sometimes, I’ve had toddlers and babies literally smushed against me all day and as a not-touch person, it just uses up all the energy I have for that that day, and being touched makes my skin crawl. I’ve gotten better at communicating those days to him, because I know he hates feeling rejected, but we had to get to a trusting place first for me to be able to tell him that.

 

[Tarsier]

It’s funny that you write that because, in my professional and social life, I’m not a touchy kind of person. I don’t do hugs (comfortably), for instance. But I’m certainly comfortable with (and do enjoy and feel energized by) them at home. Perhaps it’s because I innately feel physical interaction as a sign of intimacy and really prefer to reserve that for family.

I vaguely know about “love languages”. In fact, I remember getting a wedding gift 16 years ago called something like the Five Languages of Love. Honestly, because it was from a Protestant friend of mine, I really didn’t put much effort into reading it. I don’t mean that to sound insulting, but I just didn’t want to read something that was removed from a Catholic understanding of love and sexuality. Maybe I should dig around and see if I can find the title again.

For me, this might be the issue that bothers me the most, which is that I feel I’m willing to do anything to find that which helps us click. I’ve read books, spent time exploring articles on the internet (yes, I see the irony in both of these suggestions, while earlier mentioning my disinterest in the wedding gift, though in my defense, I didn’t realize the scope of the issue at the time of our wedding). And, as mentioned, I’ve suggested counseling. My wife did read a book I asked her to, and things got really good for a while - a few months. I really appreciate her effort, but for a struggle that is ongoing, the internal motivation to understand the relationship and grow in it seems, to me, to be key.

I’ll also do a search on the love languages and see if something comes up. If you know of a good thread or resource, I’d be appreciative of a link.

Edit/addition: Also, I know it is easy, since I’m the OP and not my wife, for me to present things in a one-sided fashion. On the note of love languages, one of my personal struggles, which I’m sure impacts the relationship, is that I find it very difficult to be engaged in small talk, especially the “how was your day” type of conversation. My job (supervising a group of around 550), has daily stress. I really don’t want to recount it all in the evening during relax time, but I also struggle with hearing about her day, as well, when things didn’t go well. So, I’m probably not the best companion for this type of emotional support.

Also, I hate shopping.

 

[CouldBNE1]

Google Love Language quizzes. They’re out there. I took one online with my dp awhile back and it was spot on. I think you’re onto something with that, pensmama87.

 

[Tarsier]

Thanks for the tip on the quiz. Here were my results:

Your Scores

10 Words of Affirmation
9 Physical Touch
4 Quality Time
4 Receiving Gifts
3 Acts of Service

Not a surprise, but I’m anxious to have my wife take it, as well!

 

[pensmama87]

Edit/addition: Also, I know it is easy, since I’m the OP and not my wife, for me to present things in a one-sided fashion. On the note of love languages, one of my personal struggles, which I’m sure impacts the relationship, is that I find it very difficult to be engaged in small talk, especially the “how was your day” type of conversation. My job (supervising a group of around 550), has daily stress. I really don’t want to recount it all in the evening during relax time, but I also struggle with hearing about her day, as well, when things didn’t go well. So, I’m probably not the best companion for this type of emotional support.

Also, I hate shopping.

So, since it’s not natural to you, does that mean you get a free pass on it?

I’m going to guess your wife has a really good idea that you don’t like engaging in these activities. It’s not hard to imagine a situation where she could think (even if it’s not really on a conscious level), “He doesn’t bother to do the things that I think are important, so how much can I matter to him, really?” If you don’t think your thoughts and feelings are important to someone, why would you want to be intimate with that person?

Re: shopping, it doesn’t have to even be a big thing. Even Aldi has pretty, inexpensive bouquets of flowers by their checkout aisles. It’s more that the gift is a sign that you were away from the person but still thinking about them and who they are and what they like.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks for the tip on the quiz. Here were my results:

Your Scores

10 Words of Affirmation
9 Physical Touch
4 Quality Time
4 Receiving Gifts
3 Acts of Service

Not a surprise, but I’m anxious to have my wife take it, as well!

You can try different things and see what gets the best response, even if your wife never takes the quiz. In my experience, anything is good, but some will work much better than others - and those things are the primary/secondary “love languages.” If you find something that your wife really seems to appreciate, even if it’s something you wouldn’t really take notice of, make a mental note to do that one frequently.

ETA: You may also see if there’s something similar she does for you, and even if it’s not a big deal to you, acknowledge it more than you have been previously. You may be missing out on a lot of signals she’s trying to send you, too.

Before my husband and I were really into a good groove with this, I’d do something for him that would take a huge effort and hours of work, only to have him casually remark, “Thanks.” That stung! But I found there were other things I could do that were easy for me, that he liked more. So, now I do those things. It’s not about the work I put in, so much as it is that he sees it and knows that it means I care.

 

[CouldBNE1]

Thanks for the tip on the quiz. Here were my results:

Your Scores

10 Words of Affirmation
9 Physical Touch
4 Quality Time
4 Receiving Gifts
3 Acts of Service

Not a surprise, but I’m anxious to have my wife take it, as well!

Maybe just send her the link and tell her that it’s of the utmost importance to you that you’re providing her with what she needs to feel loved? I think that’s what we all truly want, isn’t it? Perhaps it will open the door to share your responses.

 

[Tarsier]

Maybe just send her the link and tell her that it’s of the utmost importance to you that you’re providing her with what she needs to feel loved? I think that’s what we all truly want, isn’t it? Perhaps it will open the door to share your responses.

Sorry, I’ve been tied up with work things and haven’t had a chance to really respond. Yes, I’ll do that.

In the meantime, I’ve been abstaining from relations. Going on three weeks, now. Because of the incompatibility, I find myself getting irritable after we are together because that time is tainted by my perception of the situation (again, it is my perception, as she has her own, though she really hasn’t been comfortable sharing what that might be).

I don’t know if this is the right step, but I’m not interested in putting us in a situation where she feels that she needs to have intercourse “for me” and where I resent that it isn’t for “her”, for “us” or for God.

I’m really wanting to A) have her take the quiz and B) back up a little and spend some time re-courting, as if we were still unmarried and exploring one another’s personality. It seems like time for a re-set, allowing intimacy to develop as a result of that, not in the context of sexual intercourse in so far as the thing that defines it, which (with our busy lives) seems to be the case.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m really wanting to A) have her take the quiz and B) back up a little and spend some time re-courting, as if we were still unmarried and exploring one another’s personality. It seems like time for a re-set, allowing intimacy to develop as a result of that, not in the context of sexual intercourse in so far as the thing that defines it, which (with our busy lives) seems to be the case.

This sounds like an excellent course of action. I think that it can be a good idea for any couple that is having a difficult time connecting to just push the restart button.

I just want to add one thing. When you spoke about not being good at hearing about her day…I have read before and I know it is true for me: sometimes, I just need to speak about my day. It may sound like a problem you need to fix, but I just need someone to hear me out, not solve my problem. Perhaps all your wife wife needs from you is acknowledgement that you understand what goes on in her day.

 

[Tarsier]

This sounds like an excellent course of action. I think that it can be a good idea for any couple that is having a difficult time connecting to just push the restart button.

I just want to add one thing. When you spoke about not being good at hearing about her day…I have read before and I know it is true for me: sometimes, I just need to speak about my day. It may sound like a problem you need to fix, but I just need someone to hear me out, not solve my problem. Perhaps all your wife wife needs from you is acknowledgement that you understand what goes on in her day.

Maybe so. Sometimes she just needs a sounding board. X really struggles with worry/anxiety, especially with health issues. She doesn’t have any significant health issues, but she is prone to worry (in a sulky sort of way) about some symptom that she, her dad or one of our kids have. For that reason, I often don’t share with her if I have some symptom or if I’ve scheduled a doctor’s visit because of it. I’ll admit it wears me down some, as I like a positive, happy environment.

From her perspective, perhaps the ongoing worry is because she is looking for that sort of soundboard. She often turns to her dad when she chats with him in the evening, but given that she probably inherited some of this from him (both parents had a tendency to fret), it might feed the problem more than helping it.

I’d love to be a source of solace for her, but I’m just not very good at displaying empathy for her (or others) in a convincing way. It’s one of the reasons I know I was never called to be a deacon or (if not married) a priest.

 

[Tarsier]

Thank you for coming here, I bolded the part of your post that I had a question about because I don’t understand and was hoping you could clarify please? Most husbands and wives are not completely compatible at all times in all areas: emotional, sexual, spiritual we just plod along doing the best we can. I am not clear on what is the problem you are facing in your marriage really. Is your wife not interested in sex because she does not feel emotionally connected to you? What is her chief complaint or complaints? I probably don’t have the answers but could pray at least. God bless.

Thanks.

The ambiguity was intentional for a couple reasons. For one, I’m respectful of the fact that, while none of you know me (protecting her integrity), you are still only getting one side of the story, and I don’t want this to appear to be a wife-bashing conversation. It’s anything but. She is, of course, a beautiful and wonderful wife and the awesome mother of my children. We are compatible in a number of ways that most couples would envy - in doctrine, politics and home finance, to name some big ones. We tend to like the same type of movies and have a few TV shows in common. Of course, we have plenty of differences of opinion, but that keeps things interesting. When we do bicker on things like that, I’m cognizant of the reality that there is often a deeper issue (hence the thread).

I titled the thread “Intimacy Compatibility” because it is more than about sex. It has to do with things like affirmation and non-sexual touch, and she has admitted that her family didn’t do a good job with either of these. I can see this in her dad, who probably doesn’t mean for his comments to sound as critical as they sometimes do. He’s “telling it like it is”, as people are fond of saying, but as we know, “as it is” includes a lot of very positive things!

But sexually, since you are asking, she is very uncomfortable with herself for whatever reason (and I really don’t know the reason). For instance, it was just a few years back, but well into our marriage, that I got frustrated that she was (either unconsciously or not) covering herself with her arms when her top was exposed. I don’t know when the last time was that I saw her wearing something “sexy” for a romantic evening.

She also gives me the impression that intimacy is a chore of some sort. For instance, a few months ago, we were all having a very good, positive evening, watching a family movie. I was trying to be flirty, so I was kissing around on her neck a bit - nothing overboard. She got onto me and said she was trying to watch the movie. Fine. Fair enough, really. Then, a few minutes later, her dad called, and she took the call and chatted with him (small talk, no emergency) for over a half hour in the other room. Yes, I timed it, as I was irritated that a few playful kisses on the neck were a distraction, but for Dad she could miss thirty minutes of whatever we were watching (probably something Pixarish, since it was a family movie night).

Her complaints or reasons? Of what she has expressed to me, there are that she doesn’t know how to be creative or flirty and that certain things are out of her comfort zone (which is fair, though to clarify, I’m not talking about anything abnormal or immoral). For whatever reason, I think she is not comfortable with her body image, though she is an attractive woman.

She appears to have a very low libido (and does not … during the act). I’ve tried to suggest discussing this with her doctor, but (understandably) this is something she is uncomfortable doing, as with counseling (though I’ve gone alone).

Another reason, I’ve hesitated to give these specifics is because, in a vacuum, the follow up questions are myriad: Am I critical of her appearance? (totally to the contrary - totally knocked out by her beauty, which makes this more difficult), Does she have any history of abuse or such?) Not to my knowledge, and I have no reason to think so.

I really just think that she grew up without models of affection and that, for whatever reason, her body doesn’t provide her with much of a libido.

So, if it is that, I’m more than happy to continue reading and praying on solutions and trying to fix flaws in myself (which I tend to amplify as a result of rejection or whatever), but I’m also trying to adjust my own end. Part of abstaining from relations is (as stated above) to give us a break from an area of disjointedness), but also to lower my own libido through self-discipline. I can’t make her be compatible with me, but I can try to take charge of making myself compatible with her.

Unfortunately, that part bothers me emotionally, which is why I posted. I really can’t talk about this with others in person without disrespecting her, so I thought of the anonymity of the threads.

Mostly I just needed to express myself and get prayer partners. I’m open to ideas, but not trying to put the burden of a solution upon any of you.

Thank you for taking some time to be a part of that.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Hi Tarsier, you are not alone. There are many couples who struggle with the same issues as you do. From a woman’s perspective, there can be many issues that are rendering your wife to this state. In the meantime, be loving and just that without the intention of it going further. Sometimes, at least for women, we can go through a drought of some sort and our libido’s are almost null. It can be hormonal, age, dealing with children’s issues first, self-esteem etc. I guess patience, communication, and compassion are critical at this point. I am not an expert but talk to her. Being open is important. Just don’t give up. Prayer is very effective and you must be consistent.

God Bless.

 

[Tarsier]

Hi Tarsier, you are not alone. There are many couples who struggle with the same issues as you do. From a woman’s perspective, there can be many issues that are rendering your wife to this state. In the meantime, be loving and just that without the intention of it going further. Sometimes, at least for women, we can go through a drought of some sort and our libido’s are almost null. It can be hormonal, age, dealing with children’s issues first, self-esteem etc. I guess patience, communication, and compassion are critical at this point. I am not an expert but talk to her. Being open is important. Just don’t give up. Prayer is very effective and you must be consistent.

God Bless.

Thanks, and I know I’m not. I really don’t want to upset her, so I probably avoid talking about it, more than I should. My main concern is that the anxiety and such that it causes me manifests itself in a way that is visibly resentful (e.g. such as when I appear withdrawn or, myself, less affectionate). Last night we had an opportunity, but I declined (politely - no issues) as it was late and I knew she was probably offering because she knows it’s been a while.

Part of the villain here is the demon on my shoulder, the same one who tries to give me writer’s block when I start on a new project (“Nobody wants to read about that.” Or “You have a million other things you need to be doing with your time right now!”). So, when we near an opportunity, I start to battle all sorts of thoughts why intimacy is a struggle between us, which makes the experience, itself, somewhat of a anxiety-or-resentment-causing event. It isn’t as though I no longer have a sex drive, but that I find myself growing less in tune with intimacy. A lot of this has to do with self-doubt of what it is about me that causes her to not be into intimacy. I know I’m probably being negative regarding my own self, but that’s the way a paranoid mind works, right?

We’ve been married (by this summer) 18 years. The intimacy issue has been with us since the wedding night. Sometimes it’s been a real struggle. Sometimes we’ve had good patches. It’s only recently that its affected me this way, so I’m trying to reconnect with her on a non-sexual level so that she understands this isn’t (and never has been) about fulfilling some sexual need on my part, but feeling a connection with her.

This path hasn’t been easy. Giving up anything important never is, right? But I feel I’m turning a corner. My own libido is actually dropping some. And I don’t spend as much time stressing about something that I’ve taken control of, so I’m able to focus on some other positive aspects of our marriage/family and my life.

 

[LittleFlower378]

Hey all,

I’m a frequent (past) contributor, though mostly under a different name. I did a search in the family life section of the forums recently for issues dealing with intimacy compatibility issues between a husband and wife. I’m fine with admitting that this is a struggle in my marriage. We practice NFP (through which we’ve welcomed five kiddos here and at least one who didn’t make it full term) and understand the teachings of the Church. I’ve studied and given talks on Theology of the Body, so well-versed in that.

It seemed, though, that the threads I found soon gravitated toward the issue of a wife’s sexual drive not being compatible with her husband’s. Some common themes occur, such as the effects of pornography, the different “triggers” for sexual arousal in males and females, and the virtue of temperance. These are all certainly worthy topics for discussion.

Often, though, (at least once because of some short-sighted comments by a male contributor) the theme drifts toward whether or not a wife has an obligation to provide sexual intimacy at a level compatible with her husband’s (or the other way around if the situation is reversed, as it sometimes is). I’d like to leave that conversation for those other threads and focus on what I consider the bigger umbrella issue, which is not sexual incompatibility, but incompatibility of intimacy and emotional support. This certainly affects a marital sexual relationship, but only a symptom of a greater problem.

This is the problem that my wife and I are struggling with. She has admitted that she comes from a family that struggled with displays of affection and expressions of support. For me, these are as simple as random hand-holding, unexpected hugs or expressions of appreciation for contributions to the family. Of course, then, this same struggle often manifests itself sexually. For me, when my wife and I are on different wavelengths in the bedroom, it really doesn’t bother me with regard to satisfying some carnal need. Rather, when I make overtures or feel that she isn’t into that part of the relationship, it comes as an emotional rejection. In our case, she has struggled with being comfortable with the physical/sexual part of her identity. I’m not sure what the cause is, and as she isn’t comfortable with counseling, the cause will probably go undiscovered, but again, this feeds into a feeling of rejection on my end, as it makes me self-search for some cause in my personality that turns her away from trusting me intimately.

So, I write all of this, not to solicit advice or to point out my wife’s flaws (which is why I’m discussing on the forum, where there is a level of anonymity, as this really isn’t the business of anyone who knows her, and our calling is to support and build one another up among our friends/families/acquaintances). Rather, it is to bring up the issue of, not sexual incompatibility, but intimacy incompatibility and see if others have thoughts or perhaps know of good resources?

This is what marriage is all about. You are struggling for the sake of your wife. You may not think so now, but this is making you a better person. Hang in there and keep praying and trying. Do not give in to lust or think of other women, your fidelity will be a prize at the end of the race.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks, and I know I’m not. I really don’t want to upset her, so I probably avoid talking about it, more than I should. My main concern is that the anxiety and such that it causes me manifests itself in a way that is visibly resentful (e.g. such as when I appear withdrawn or, myself, less affectionate). Last night we had an opportunity, but I declined (politely - no issues) as it was late and I knew she was probably offering because she knows it’s been a while.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your refusal one bit.

I’m going to be blunt because this is how this reads to me: Your wife offered an opportunity for intimacy, presumably because she loves you, and you shut her down, and then you wonder why she has an intimacy problem.

When your spouse offers to do something loving, you receive it graciously unless there is some reason you really can’t. You may have thought it was loving to deny yourself your wife’s offering of a gift, but IMO all you’re doing is making her less likely to offer in the future. She may be super confused herself - you say she needs to open up more, and she tries, and then you say no? Sounds like game playing to me. You may not see it that way, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she sees.

 

[Tarsier]

This is what marriage is all about. You are struggling for the sake of your wife. You may not think so now, but this is making you a better person. Hang in there and keep praying and trying. Do not give in to lust or think of other women, your fidelity will be a prize at the end of the race.

Thanks. I appreciate it and agree. When we hit the rougher of these rough patches is when the temptation to impure thoughts/actions is strongest, which is another reason I’m attempting to find some acceptance here and to make whatever modifications I need to in order to reach her on her level.

She’s a good person, and I recognize the efforts she makes, too. Regarding intimacy, she will sense when I’m withdrawn or moody and usually initiates things then. The problem is that she’s sort of training me to be withdrawn and moody! We had a really good stretch this fall where we were intimate often, and everything else was awesome in our lives. Kids even behaved better (because they saw our fun and joy with each other, I suppose). There’s a saying I know most of you are familiar with - " A strong fire in the bedroom warms the entire house." That was certainly true.

But another area of contention for us is her strong connection with her dad. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that, and I hope to have the same with my kids, especially my daughter. But they would often talk on the phone for a half hour or longer each evening, during family time or after the kids go to bed. I selfishly felt that this should be our time, especially since she and her dad are both home during the days. I’ve noticed lately that she hasn’t been on the phone at all during family or us time, so she’s been making the effort to still have a great relationship with him, while not having it be a parenthesis in the short time we all have together in the evenings. I haven’t mentioned to her yet that I appreciate this. And a couple months ago, she did send me a slightly naughty kind of flirt through texting (nothing scandalous!). She said later she had to look up ideas online, as her mind isn’t programmed that way. It seems that men have the opposite curse! But the effort meant a lot to me.

So I want to reiterate that she makes efforts that mean a lot to me… I think that possibly medication (in the case of a chemical imbalance) or counseling might be helpful, but those are out of her comfort zone, and that is what it is, so we look for the best path forward, right? And I recognize that she sees that in some way and that means a lot.

All of this stress is out of love, not resulting from an absence of it.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks. I appreciate it and agree. When we hit the rougher of these rough patches is when the temptation to impure thoughts/actions is strongest, which is another reason I’m attempting to find some acceptance here and to make whatever modifications I need to in order to reach her on her level.

She’s a good person, and I recognize the efforts she makes, too. Regarding intimacy, she will sense when I’m withdrawn or moody and usually initiates things then. The problem is that she’s sort of training me to be withdrawn and moody! We had a really good stretch this fall where we were intimate often, and everything else was awesome in our lives. Kids even behaved better (because they saw our fun and joy with each other, I suppose). There’s a saying I know most of you are familiar with - " A strong fire in the bedroom warms the entire house." That was certainly true.

But another area of contention for us is her strong connection with her dad. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that, and I hope to have the same with my kids, especially my daughter. But they would often talk on the phone for a half hour or longer each evening, during family time or after the kids go to bed. I selfishly felt that this should be our time, especially since she and her dad are both home during the days. I’ve noticed lately that she hasn’t been on the phone at all during family or us time, so she’s been making the effort to still have a great relationship with him, while not having it be a parenthesis in the short time we all have together in the evenings. I haven’t mentioned to her yet that I appreciate this. And a couple months ago, she did send me a slightly naughty kind of flirt through texting (nothing scandalous!). She said later she had to look up ideas online, as her mind isn’t programmed that way. It seems that men have the opposite curse! But the effort meant a lot to me.

So I want to reiterate that she makes efforts that mean a lot to me… I think that possibly medication (in the case of a chemical imbalance) or counseling might be helpful, but those are out of her comfort zone, and that is what it is, so we look for the best path forward, right? And I recognize that she sees that in some way and that means a lot.

All of this stress is out of love, not resulting from an absence of it.

I am very confused how any of this indicates that *she *has a problem (especially one possibly requiring medication.) She is responsive to your needs and seems aware of your emotions, and is even pushing herself out of her comfort zone to please you.

There are natural ebbs and flows in a relationship, of course. But we all have to do our part, and here it seems like she’s really making an effort. So I don’t understand how it’s her with the problem.

 

[Tarsier]

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your refusal one bit.

I’m going to be blunt because this is how this reads to me: Your wife offered an opportunity for intimacy, presumably because she loves you, and you shut her down, and then you wonder why she has an intimacy problem.

When your spouse offers to do something loving, you receive it graciously unless there is some reason you really can’t. You may have thought it was loving to deny yourself your wife’s offering of a gift, but IMO all you’re doing is making her less likely to offer in the future. She may be super confused herself - you say she needs to open up more, and she tries, and then you say no? Sounds like game playing to me. You may not see it that way, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she sees.

Only if you take this instance out of context. We have almost 18 years of this not being the issue. But she knows that I’m trying to take a step back and take a break so I could re-assess and was making sure I hadn’t changed my mind. The reason I “really can’t” is that I’m not interested in a act that, right now, is causing resentment. We were having a pretty pleasant evening and were intimate in touch, though not sexually.

To be Devil’s advocate, there are plenty of times that I have been turned down because she wasn’t in the mood, and I’ve yet to see a thread here where this same sort of correction is directed toward the wife (though I’m sure I’ve missed something). If, as a husband, I should respect that there are times she isn’t in the mood, isn’t it a double-standard that I can’t also.

The issue of the thread isn’t that we are sexually incompatible, which is certainly a facet, but intimately. In her head, she equates pleasing me sexually with satisfying my need for connection. It’s totally the opposite. I want to have us rediscover how to enjoy each other without that being the focus.

When Paul wrote 1 Cor. 7:5, he talks about times when couples “deprive” each other out of mutual consent. Her offering isn’t the same as saying she has rejected that consent, especially as she admits that she doesn’t get the same enjoyment out of the act, but rather making sure I was still needing a break (which is why I emphasized that I politely declined - we continued hanging out together, cuddling after).

 

[pensmama87]

The issue of the thread isn’t that we are sexually incompatible, which is certainly a facet, but intimately. In her head, she equates pleasing me sexually with satisfying my need for connection. It’s totally the opposite. I want to have us rediscover how to enjoy each other without that being the focus.

OK, but that’s not what you said initially.

You are saying different things and offering different explanations with each post. It may help you to be clear from the get-go, both here and with your wife.

I say try the love languages book if you are looking for other ways to build intimacy. Is your wife aware of what you’re trying to accomplish? Because she could just be hurt.