Intimacy in a premarital relationship

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Gash

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Hi everyone!

For about 3.5 years, I struggled with seeing an issue with premarital sex. When I was 18, I had one longer relationship for 1.5 years and I lost my virginity to that boyfriend. Well, he broke up with me and when that happened I ached to latch on to someone or something that made me feel the way I had with him. I had several one month long casual flings after him. I didn’t consider them casual but the men I was with did and I gave myself to them trying to earn that affection and intimacy. My goals were somewhat subconscious, instinctual, and suppressed. I hadn’t planned or even considered that this is what was happening but it inflicted a lot of emotional pain.

I was raised Catholic and this totally separated me from God. About 6 months ago, I reconciled back to the Church and committed myself to stop having sex until marriage. I have a boyfriend now who is also Catholic. We’ve been together for four months and I’m finding a little dilemma that I hadn’t come across in my previous relationships because we were having sex. So here is the dilemma: since I was a little girl (as long as I can remember) I have been an extremely touchy person. I would want my dad to give me hugs constantly and until I was about 18, I would want my mom to rub my back until I fell asleep at night. In relationships, I feel emotional intimacy through close physical proximity also. Most of the time, not sexual. Like for example, I much prefer hugs than kisses. Its to the point where I feel frustration if I’m not receiving physical stimulation and attention. I’m really afraid that this could be blurring the lines for a couple who is trying to remain chaste. I really believe that the need for physical stimulation/attention that sex was fulfilling for me in the past could be replaced by something else but I don’t know what.

Does anyone have any advice for creating non-sexual intimacy in a dating relationship?

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any advice you might be able to contribute!
God bless!
 
Gash said:
Hi everyone!

For about 3.5 years, I struggled with seeing an issue with premarital sex. When I was 18, I had one longer relationship for 1.5 years and I lost my virginity to that boyfriend. Well, he broke up with me and when that happened I ached to latch on to someone or something that made me feel the way I had with him. I had several one month long casual flings after him. I didn’t consider them casual but the men I was with did and I gave myself to them trying to earn that affection and intimacy. My goals were somewhat subconscious, instinctual, and suppressed. I hadn’t planned or even considered that this is what was happening but it inflicted a lot of emotional pain.

I was raised Catholic and this totally separated me from God. About 6 months ago, I reconciled back to the Church and committed myself to stop having sex until marriage. I have a boyfriend now who is also Catholic. We’ve been together for four months and I’m finding a little dilemma that I hadn’t come across in my previous relationships because we were having sex. So here is the dilemma: since I was a little girl (as long as I can remember) I have been an extremely touchy person. I would want my dad to give me hugs constantly and until I was about 18, I would want my mom to rub my back until I fell asleep at night. In relationships, I feel emotional intimacy through close physical proximity also. Most of the time, not sexual. Like for example, I much prefer hugs than kisses. Its to the point where I feel frustration if I’m not receiving physical stimulation and attention. I’m really afraid that this could be blurring the lines for a couple who is trying to remain chaste. I really believe that the need for physical stimulation/attention that sex was fulfilling for me in the past could be replaced by something else but I don’t know what.

Does anyone have any advice for creating non-sexual intimacy in a dating relationship?

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any advice you might be able to contribute!
God bless!
Click to expand...
Yes Chaste kisses, Hugs and affectionate gestures such as holding hands and other acts of kindness.
 
As someone who has been married a long time, i think real intimacy comes from sharing ones inner hopes and dreams. Any one can have sex.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
 
Gash, it does sound like your need for affectionate touch might be driving you more than it should… or be healthy for relationships you are in. Unmarrieds have to be careful there because crossing the line, sets a train in motion that then has to hauled back to the station screeching. Because you’ve already experienced the intimacy of sex in your previous relationships, it’s natural that nothing in abstinence is going to match that and may have to be endured until you marry.

This might sound counter intuitive, but I’ve got a friend who’s lived a long married life with a man who is strikingly unaffectionate while she is an extremely affectionate person. The last 5 or so years, she has been part of a volunteer team at the hospital that gives foot massages to patients. It gives her a wonderful outlet for her affectionate nature while at the same time being ‘giving’ rather than being wracked by ‘needing’. Perhaps you could think of an outlet of that nature? There is a tremendous amount of fulfillment to be had by giving to others what you are needing yourself.
 
PaulinVA said:
As someone who has been married a long time, i think real intimacy comes from sharing ones inner hopes and dreams. Any one can have sex.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
Click to expand...
While this is no doubt true The Op, I believe was referring mainly to Physical Intimacy, which in turn projects also Emotional intimacy.
 
LongingSoul said:
Gash, it does sound like your need for affectionate touch might be driving you more than it should… or be healthy for relationships you are in. Unmarrieds have to be careful there because crossing the line, sets a train in motion that then has to hauled back to the station screeching. Because you’ve already experienced the intimacy of sex in your previous relationships, it’s natural that nothing in abstinence is going to match that and may have to be endured until you marry.

This might sound counter intuitive, but I’ve got a friend who’s lived a long married life with a man who is strikingly unaffectionate while she is an extremely affectionate person. The last 5 or so years, she has been part of a volunteer team at the hospital that gives foot massages to patients. It gives her a wonderful outlet for her affectionate nature while at the same time being ‘giving’ rather than being wracked by ‘needing’. Perhaps you could think of an outlet of that nature? There is a tremendous amount of fulfillment to be had by giving to others what you are needing yourself.
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I understand what you’re saying and I agree. I’m sure since I’ve already experienced the intimacy of sex, it will make me long for that intimacy. I don’t really know how to get over that frustrated, dissatisfied feeling. I don’t know if I can or if that’s just something I have to put up with. I know that communication is what a dating relationship should revolve around and I agree with that. What I don’t know how to do is express affection in a way that is satisfying to me (or in other words that works) but is also completely not sexual for either of us. When I think of the way I like physical attention, its very similar to kids. I am in teacher education and when someone is teaching kindergarten, they’ll observe that kids that age really like to hug you. Even if you give them a lot of verbal attention, they’ll still run up and hug you and sometimes can get upset if you don’t give them the physical attention back. That’s kind of how I feel.

Thanks for that advice! I really think something like that might help and I’m willing to give it a try.
 
Transalosania said:
While this is no doubt true The Op, I believe was referring mainly to Physical Intimacy, which in turn projects also Emotional intimacy.
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Yes, I am not really referring to sex. Though I am afraid that physical intimacy will allow the temptation of sex to creep in. If not for me, for him.
 
Gash said:
Yes, I am not really referring to sex. Though I am afraid that physical intimacy will allow the temptation of sex to creep in. If not for me, for him.
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Your consideration towards you and your Partner is admirable, you should avoid near occasions of sin such as sleeping together but the former points I previously stated should justify within acceptable parameters.
 
Gash said:
Does anyone have any advice for creating non-sexual intimacy in a dating relationship?
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Talk to each other sincerely. As opposed to some others, I am on the opinion that you should never touch each other (meaning absolutely no intentional physical contact, not even holding hands). I have seen couples who gave their first kiss on their wedding day. They are very happily married now.

About this there is a funny anecdote (I have no idea whether it is true or just a joke):
Someone asks an orthodox Jewish kid if he knows what his parents do in their bedroom at night. He answers, “I know it. They lock the door… Get naked… then talk to each other in Yiddish.”

Talking to each other you will find out much more about your boyfriend, most importantly if he is the one whom God is choosing to be a father of your children. It is also a skill that you will need very much, should you end up marrying each other.
 
Transalosania said:
Yes Chaste kisses, Hugs and affectionate gestures such as holding hands and other acts of kindness.
Click to expand...
I second this, especially the hand-holding. Nothing wrong with a little chaste physical affection, and holding hands lowers cortisol levels and raises levels of oxytocin. 😛 (But of course you shouldn’t do anything that’s an occasion of sin for either of you.)
 
Do you think you are too dependent/attached to physical contact with others? It sort of sounds like it to me: many people feel the deprivation of sparse or no physical affection. But I don’t think for most people it impedes their ability to form a close bond with another without physical affection. It would be interesting to know if your parents are both very physical people, or if either have an elevated sexual identity.

I think it’s really really good you recognize this now while you are dating. My advice to you would be to try to abstain entirely from physical contact with your boyfriend, at least for a while, and really focus on strengthening your ability to be close without being physically close. Think of it as a muscle you need to train. It doesn’t sound like you have ever experience true emotional intimacy with any of your past relationships, because the physical intimacy was too strong. And if you can’t do that, I would suggest you go talk to someone and figure out the cause.
 
Caroline723 said:
Do you think you are too dependent/attached to physical contact with others? It sort of sounds like it to me: many people feel the deprivation of sparse or no physical affection. But I don’t think for most people it impedes their ability to form a close bond with another without physical affection. It would be interesting to know if your parents are both very physical people, or if either have an elevated sexual identity.

I think it’s really really good you recognize this now while you are dating. My advice to you would be to try to abstain entirely from physical contact with your boyfriend, at least for a while, and really focus on strengthening your ability to be close without being physically close. Think of it as a muscle you need to train. It doesn’t sound like you have ever experience true emotional intimacy with any of your past relationships, because the physical intimacy was too strong. And if you can’t do that, I would suggest you go talk to someone and figure out the cause.
Click to expand...
My parents are not very physical at all. At least not in front of us kids (Though we’re almost all adults now: 17, 20, 21, 23). I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them kiss. I know they do, I don’t know how frequently. Their physical intimacy is VERY private. I was hugged frequently as a child by my dad but only when I asked for it. As I got older I think I became embarrassed and never asked him to hug me. My mom probably hugs me once or twice a year. I do not remember the last time either of my parents told me they loved me. I think in the past 5 years each parent has said it once or twice. Once it was just “love ya” at the end of a voicemail and my parents once had to write me letters for my confirmation 5 years ago and they did tell me they loved me in those letters. My parents very rarely (almost never) show affection to us. But it’s not because they don’t feel it. I don’t doubt it at all - they go very far out of their way to take care of us. My mom has been a stay at home mom since before I was born and my dad supported a family of six on his own. Growing up, he usually came home after I was asleep. I may have seen him for about 10-20 minutes a day before school. And he did go to church with us and was with us on the weekends. Sorry this is so long but I do really think my upbringing has a lot to do with why I’m so physically needy.

Edit
Not just physically needy - I feel attention/affection needy in general.
 
Gash said:
I have a dog!
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Then get another one! Pet them a lot!

😉

Get a cat. They will sleep in your lap and on your head when you’re sleeping. 🙂

But seriously…You have already experienced the closest intimacy of man and woman. Nothing is quite going to suffice for that, especially if your “love language” is physical touch. You’re just going to have to remain strong about that, and not put yourself into temptation. Set boundaries, and hold fast to those boundaries. Don’t go from holding hands, to stroking each other’s backs, to long kissing, to…you know what I’m saying?

Working with 5 year olds is a great idea! They do love to hug their teacher! 👍
 
Gash said:
My parents are not very physical at all. At least not in front of us kids (Though we’re almost all adults now: 17, 20, 21, 23). I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them kiss. I know they do, I don’t know how frequently. Their physical intimacy is VERY private. I was hugged frequently as a child by my dad but only when I asked for it. As I got older I think I became embarrassed and never asked him to hug me. My mom probably hugs me once or twice a year. I do not remember the last time either of my parents told me they loved me. I think in the past 5 years each parent has said it once or twice. Once it was just “love ya” at the end of a voicemail and my parents once had to write me letters for my confirmation 5 years ago and they did tell me they loved me in those letters. My parents very rarely (almost never) show affection to us. But it’s not because they don’t feel it. I don’t doubt it at all - they go very far out of their way to take care of us. My mom has been a stay at home mom since before I was born and my dad supported a family of six on his own. Growing up, he usually came home after I was asleep. I may have seen him for about 10-20 minutes a day before school. And he did go to church with us and was with us on the weekends. Sorry this is so long but I do really think my upbringing has a lot to do with why I’m so physically needy.

Edit
Not just physically needy - I feel attention/affection needy in general.
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I mean this kindly, but at some point you just have to grow up and own your actions. Your email sounds like you are trying to do that. You can’t undo the failings of your past, whether your parents gave you emotionally everything you needed, whether you aren’t entirely culpable for engaging in sex with various partners. What matters is now. You have a fresh start - a new opportunity to conduct yourself with self-respect in a relationship. God values your with-holding physical affection before marriage, and he does that for precisely the reason you were hurt in those casual flings. They hurt you, hurt your capacity to love and to experience emotional intimacy. I think you will be especially susceptible to the slippery slope of chaste kisses and hugs, at least for a time until you discover true emotional intimacy with a partner. Ironically, when you reach that, you will find more peace in waiting till marriage, and sex will mean so much more to you than it does now.
 
Gash said:
Does anyone have any advice for creating non-sexual intimacy in a dating relationship?

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any advice you might be able to contribute!
God bless!
Click to expand...
You could also get a massage once every week or two maybe. That wouldn’t increase your intimacy with him, but it might make you feel better.

Also, it’s perfectly normal to want to be touched. Don’t torture yourself unnecessarily by depriving yourself of human contact. The key is to keep it chaste, not to avoid coming into to contact with anyone ever until you are married!
 
FriendlyFace said:
You could also get a massage once every week or two maybe. That wouldn’t increase your intimacy with him, but it might make you feel better.

Also, it’s perfectly normal to want to be touched. Don’t torture yourself unnecessarily by depriving yourself of human contact. The key is to keep it chaste, not to avoid coming into to contact with anyone ever until you are married!
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Please do us all a favor, when you post a link like that, explain what it is instead of hiding it in the text. That’s what some spammers do and I was wary of clicking on the link.

That research is fascinating.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please do us all a favor, when you post a link like that, explain what it is instead of hiding it in the text. That’s what some spammers do and I was wary of clicking on the link.

That research is fascinating.
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I’ll keep that in mind. I posted that right after blogging for almost two hours, so I was kind of in linking mode. Plus, I’m not a spammer, so I didn’t give how it would look to someone who didn’t know me much thought…😛

Dear everyone else, it isn’t spam. It’s a link to the University of California, Berkeley site. 👍

And I agree that the research is fascinating. Makes me wish I had someone to hold hands with at stressful moments.😉
 
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