Intimacy in a premarital relationship

[SuperLuigi]

Hi everyone!

For about 3.5 years, I struggled with seeing an issue with premarital sex. When I was 18, I had one longer relationship for 1.5 years and I lost my virginity to that boyfriend. Well, he broke up with me and when that happened I ached to latch on to someone or something that made me feel the way I had with him. I had several one month long casual flings after him. I didn’t consider them casual but the men I was with did and I gave myself to them trying to earn that affection and intimacy. My goals were somewhat subconscious, instinctual, and suppressed. I hadn’t planned or even considered that this is what was happening but it inflicted a lot of emotional pain.

I was raised Catholic and this totally separated me from God. About 6 months ago, I reconciled back to the Church and committed myself to stop having sex until marriage. I have a boyfriend now who is also Catholic. We’ve been together for four months and I’m finding a little dilemma that I hadn’t come across in my previous relationships because we were having sex. So here is the dilemma: since I was a little girl (as long as I can remember) I have been an extremely touchy person. I would want my dad to give me hugs constantly and until I was about 18, I would want my mom to rub my back until I fell asleep at night. In relationships, I feel emotional intimacy through close physical proximity also. Most of the time, not sexual. Like for example, I much prefer hugs than kisses. Its to the point where I feel frustration if I’m not receiving physical stimulation and attention. I’m really afraid that this could be blurring the lines for a couple who is trying to remain chaste. I really believe that the need for physical stimulation/attention that sex was fulfilling for me in the past could be replaced by something else but I don’t know what.

Does anyone have any advice for creating non-sexual intimacy in a dating relationship?

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for any advice you might be able to contribute!
God bless!

I would recommend reading Christopher West’s Theology of the Body for Beginners

 

[Gash]

I would recommend reading Christopher West’s Theology of the Body for Beginners

Okay

Its interesting you mention that because I was just watching a video of him speaking on that topic on youtube the other day.

 

[LoveJesus13]

I mean this kindly, but at some point you just have to grow up and own your actions. Your email sounds like you are trying to do that. You can’t undo the failings of your past, whether your parents gave you emotionally everything you needed, whether you aren’t entirely culpable for engaging in sex with various partners. What matters is now. You have a fresh start - a new opportunity to conduct yourself with self-respect in a relationship. God values your with-holding physical affection before marriage, and he does that for precisely the reason you were hurt in those casual flings. They hurt you, hurt your capacity to love and to experience emotional intimacy. I think you will be especially susceptible to the slippery slope of chaste kisses and hugs, at least for a time until you discover true emotional intimacy with a partner. Ironically, when you reach that, you will find more peace in waiting till marriage, and sex will mean so much more to you than it does now.

This is well-said by Caroline, as I struggle with this too. All we can do is focus on the NOW and do what is pleasing to God. Of course, try to live a chaste life with your bf and if you’re looking for that physical attention, do it in ways NOT leading to near occasion of sin. Those chaste kisses, hugs, hand-holding etc. will easily lead you (been there, done that) so if it is becoming too hard, maybe the best thing for you right now is NOT be in a relationship and instead focus on the relationship you have with Jesus. It takes a LOT of time to train yourself to not be emotionally/physically needy. Like someone said it’s like training a muscle in your body- this need for physical attention can be dangerous because it will lead you to being unchaste with your boyfriend. Please pray hard and listen to what the Holy Spirit is telling you. It could be that you just need more time being single to work on strengthening yourself than in a relationship.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[mayxanh]

praying will help you to increase intimacy with God and thus, reduce desire for human intimacy

 

[FrancisBenedict]

We are all human. Love is inspired by God.
Of course cuddle, hug hold hands etc, it’s natural and healthy.
Do your very best to stay pure as you intend.
If you stumble,and we all stumble sometimes, we are human, confess with a sincere heart to not again and God will forgive you. God knows your heart.

And I’d get married as soon as you’re sure and able!

God bless you both+

Pax +

 

[FrancisBenedict]

And…there is a deeper intimacy than physical affection. A shared soul connection is deeper than that. Often connected after life changing events.

PAX+

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We are all human. Love is inspired by God.
Of course cuddle, hug hold hands etc, it’s natural and healthy.
Do your very best to stay pure as you intend.
If you stumble,and we all stumble sometimes, we are human, confess with a sincere heart to not again and God will forgive you. God knows your heart.

And I’d get married as soon as you’re sure and able!

God bless you both+

Pax +

I would say to many people who have never experienced the intense closeness of sexual intimacy, your advice would be fine, IF (and it’s a big if) they can keep their physical affection within strict boundaries.

However, this poster has struggled with chastity and her mind and responses will more easily go toward that more intense physical intimacy of sexual intercourse. Trust me, it’s a lot easier to do what you’ve always done, than to keep from doing it, even if you have really good reasons. That is why the rest of us are advising her to satisfy her need for physical touch in other ways.

Gash, I thought of one or two more things that you can do instead of a lot of touching with your boyfriend.

Hard physical exercise, including weight lifting.
Swimming
Any volunteer job at a pet rescue center, or a day care where you are allowed to hug the children (some day cares and schools actually discourage any physical touch)
Tactile crafts of any kind, such as sewing, beading, knitting, crocheting, etc.
Gardening

Of course these don’t involve human touch, except for the kid-related stuff. But the physical aspects of anything that is very tactile may help in ways you aren’t conscious of.

Also start hugging your other friends and asking them to hug you. I know you said your family is not physically affectionate, so you are starting out with a deficit from your childhood that may take a while to feel satisfied. Please don’t marry someone who is not physically affectionate (and I don’t mean just sex)! You will be suffering and yearning for the rest of your life. Physical touch is not my primary love language, but it’s one of the top, and I get very little of it from my husband. When the kids were little, I got my needs met and then some, but to my husband, any physical affection means sex, so I have to really censor myself unless I’m in the mood for intimacy. This means I rarely get my non-sexual tactile needs met now.

But, I do have the dog. She doesn’t return my affection per se but she does sit in my lap and receive my caresses.

I think hugging your boyfriend is fine, and that a robust hug to say hello and goodbye will take you quite a long way into your need for tactile affection. Holding hands in public is probably fine as well. Private physical affection is where you will run into temptation.

 

[LongingSoul]

I Please don’t marry someone who is not physically affectionate (and I don’t mean just sex)! You will be suffering and yearning for the rest of your life. Physical touch is not my primary love language, but it’s one of the top, and I get very little of it from my husband. When the kids were little, I got my needs met and then some, but to my husband, any physical affection means sex, so I have to really censor myself unless I’m in the mood for intimacy. This means I rarely get my non-sexual tactile needs met now.

I have to confess… I’m in a similar situation myself and it’s probably one of the most difficult of sufferings to endure. My counsellor showed us a diagram once which said “Men feel loved through sex. Women feel loved through intimacy and affection”

I think it’s important for men to actually know that. Women will very often give sex when they really don’t want to in order to meet a mans needs. I’m sure there are also husbands out there who are sensitive to their wives need for intimacy and affection even if they don’t need or want it themselves. These are champions among men in my books.

It’s much easier though, if from the get go, you marry someone who is naturally affectionate and at ease with holding your hand and embracing you just for the sake of it.

 

[FrancisBenedict]

My counsellor showed us a diagram once which said “Men feel loved through sex. Women feel loved through intimacy and affection”

That’s a generalization, many men need the intimacy just as much. And some women just aren’t the affectionate type.

I know by experience.

PAX+

 

[LongingSoul]

That’s a generalization, many men need the intimacy just as much. And some women just aren’t the affectionate type.

I know by experience.

PAX+

True.