Intimate woes of a newly wed

[BethanyRae]

(mature audiences only!)

Hello CAF. It took me a while to get the courage to make this post, and I apologize for its graphic nature. But this issue has really become a problem for me in my new marriage.

My husband and I waited until we were married to have intimate relations. Our understanding was that as long as the act ended with the man ejaculating into the woman, anything else we did up to that point was okay. So for these last few months he has performed oral sex on me and then we proceeded to have vaginal intercourse. The problem is that once I have reached orgasm (MAN, this is embarrassing!) I become very, very sensitive and then vaginal intercourse HURTS! We have tried different positions, going slower, etc, but the pain is almost unbearable. I have suggested that we just skip the foreplay, but he doesn’t want to have to do that because he wants sex to be enjoyable for me too. Honestly, i don’t want to have to give that up either, but I am starting to really dread being intimate because I either have to feel like I’m just an instrument of my husbands pleasure and get none of my own, or I receive pleasure too but then must feel such terrible pain during the “main act.”

If we could have intercourse first and THEN focus on my needs, this would solve all of the above problems. As far as I know though, that is not allowed. Anyway, what all this babbling has been leading up to is this question: In my situation, do you guys think my husband and I can engage in intercourse FIRST and then do oral sex after? Thank you for your help!

 

[Debora123]

(mature audiences only!)

Hello CAF. It took me a while to get the courage to make this post, and I apologize for its graphic nature. But this issue has really become a problem for me in my new marriage.

My husband and I waited until we were married to have intimate relations. Our understanding was that as long as the act ended with the man ejaculating into the woman, anything else we did up to that point was okay. So for these last few months he has performed oral sex on me and then we proceeded to have vaginal intercourse. The problem is that once I have reached orgasm (MAN, this is embarrassing!) I become very, very sensitive and then vaginal intercourse HURTS! We have tried different positions, going slower, etc, but the pain is almost unbearable. I have suggested that we just skip the foreplay, but he doesn’t want to have to do that because he wants sex to be enjoyable for me too. Honestly, i don’t want to have to give that up either, but I am starting to really dread being intimate because I either have to feel like I’m just an instrument of my husbands pleasure and get none of my own, or I receive pleasure too but then must feel such terrible pain during the “main act.”

If we could have intercourse first and THEN focus on my needs, this would solve all of the above problems. As far as I know though, that is not allowed. Anyway, what all this babbling has been leading up to is this question: In my situation, do you guys think my husband and I can engage in intercourse FIRST and then do oral sex after? Thank you for your help!

Not to worry.

You are allowed to have sex first and then receive oral sex. A woman’s orgasm can come either before or after a man’s.

The Church is quite picky about this whole sex thing, but good grief, it would be taken to a totally different level of pettiness and pickiness if there was a rule regarding who can have an orgasm first.

 

[1ke]

As far as I know though, that is not allowed.

I am not sure where you have gotten this impression. Your husband may assist you before, during or immediately after intercourse-- it is all within the context of the marital embrace.

It’s not clear, though, why you have begun your marriage with this pattern of him stimulating you to orgasm before intercourse rather than simply foreplay followed by intercourse. You would be more likely to climax during intercourse that way.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Have you considered manual stimulation during intercourse? If you’re conserned about order of who comes when, then why not try that and come at the same time.

 

[Debora123]

It’s not clear, though, why you have begun your marriage with this pattern of him stimulating you to orgasm before intercourse rather than simply foreplay followed by intercourse. You would be more likely to climax during intercourse that way.

Most women can’t reach orgasm during intercourse, regardless of whether there was foreplay beforehand or not.

 

[Debora123]

Have you considered manual stimulation during intercourse? If you’re conserned about order of who comes when, then why not try that and come at the same time.

That’s fine, but I think the OP needs reassurance that the order of orgasm isn’t a moral issue. She seems to already be confused about the issue and definitely has a misconception. Saying things like “well, why not try at the same time?” Will only further confuse her and/or make her feel she is doing something wrong when she isn’t.

Furthermore, having orgasm at the same time isn’t always easy. There’s no need to put a dent in someone’s sex life by making them feel they might be sinning if they don’t. I know that’s not your intent, but we just have to be very very crystal clear with some people around here.

So again to Bethany: There is nothing at all wrong or sinful about having your orgasm after your husband. Nothing.

 

[jmjconder]

Not to worry.

You are allowed to have sex first and then receive oral sex. A woman’s orgasm can come either before or after a man’s.

The Church is quite picky about this whole sex thing, but good grief, it would be taken to a totally different level of pettiness and pickiness if there was a rule regarding who can have an orgasm first.

**Really? I believe your answer is not accurate…so please cite it.

St. Joseph never had “sex” with the Blessed Virgin and I would say they were happy!

“Sex” (shutter at that word) is about a life giving moment and has nothing to do with physical gratifiaction…if you think otherwise cite the Catholic teaching on physical gratification.**

 

[faithfully]

**
“Sex” (shutter at that word) **

REALLY? You shutter at the word? That’s not a healthy response. It’s a very natural act, blessed by God no less. And sexual pleasure a gift from God as well.

 

[faithfully]

Bethany,

Many here recommend the book Thelogy of the body for Beginners. By Christopher West.

I believe your topic of interest is covered. And you’ll note that it comes with an Imprimatur stamp…

 

[jmjconder]

REALLY? You shutter at the word? That’s not a healthy response. It’s a very natural act, blessed by God no less. And sexual pleasure a gift from God as well.

The proper term for a married couple is the martial embrace - not sex.

 

[TrueLight]

The proper term for a married couple is the martial embrace - not sex.

Come now. The marital embrace is still sex with your spouse.

And I suppose the husband gets no pleasure.

 

[Debora123]

**Really? I believe your answer is not accurate…so please cite it.

St. Joseph never had “sex” with the Blessed Virgin and I would say they were happy!

“Sex” (shutter at that word) is about a life giving moment and has nothing to do with physical gratifiaction…if you think otherwise cite the Catholic teaching on physical gratification.**

Cite what for you?

Christopher West:
Ideally, the wife’s orgasm would happen simultaneously with her husband’s (orgasm), but this is easier said than done for many couples. In fact, if the wife’s orgasm isn’t achieved during the natural course of foreplay and consummation, it would be the loving thing for the husband to stimulate his wife to climax thereafter (if she so desired)

You think my comment about the female orgasm being allowed to happen either before, after or during intercourse is incorrect/inaccurate?

You are very mistaken.

I’m sorry you shutter at the word sex. It’s a beautiful thing, and it seems like you have some sort of unhealthy negative attitude towards it.

 

[Debora123]

I wish someone else would come on here and tell the OP that yes, it is perfectly acceptable for her to have an orgasm after her husband.

I’m not sure why it seems like I’m the only one answering the OP’s question…

 

[faithfully]

The proper term for a married couple is the martial embrace - not sex.

Hmmm. That’s just does not compute. You’ll notice the Vatican does not have any problem using the word Sex.

vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/ccatheduc/documents/rc_con_ccatheduc_doc_19831101_sexual-education_en.html

And since sex is only to be between a married man and woman, and certainly not taught as an activity for anyone other than, I’m quite confident the word Sex in a Catholic forum is 100% appropriate to use in lieu of “marital embrace”.

This is your bug a boo… not he Church’s

 

[faithfully]

I wish someone else would come on here and tell the OP that yes, it is perfectly acceptable for her to have an orgasm after her husband.

I’m not sure why it seems like I’m the only one answering the OP’s question…

It’s perfectly acceptable to have an orgasm after DH… There are some links and quotes around here. I don’t have time for a source.

OP, I recommend you do some research. But relax. You’re in for some good info!

 

[LilyM]

I wish someone else would come on here and tell the OP that yes, it is perfectly acceptable for her to have an orgasm after her husband.

I’m not sure why it seems like I’m the only one answering the OP’s question…

Of course it’s OK. If it’s ok for a wife to orgasm before, then there’s no reason why not after.

 

[Debora123]

Thanks ladies!

I just don’t want the OP to go on thinking that it’s wrong, and since my response to her was challenged by another member, I wanted to make sure I had some back up so the OP knows it’s reliable information.

 

[10gr8kids]

I wish someone else would come on here and tell the OP that yes, it is perfectly acceptable for her to have an orgasm after her husband.

I’m not sure why it seems like I’m the only one answering the OP’s question…

I think 1ke gave the same answer you did, it is right after your first post.

 

[Irishgal49]

(mature audiences only!)

Hello CAF. It took me a while to get the courage to make this post, and I apologize for its graphic nature. But this issue has really become a problem for me in my new marriage.

My husband and I waited until we were married to have intimate relations. Our understanding was that as long as the act ended with the man ejaculating into the woman, anything else we did up to that point was okay. So for these last few months he has performed oral sex on me and then we proceeded to have vaginal intercourse. The problem is that once I have reached orgasm (MAN, this is embarrassing!) I become very, very sensitive and then vaginal intercourse HURTS! We have tried different positions, going slower, etc, but the pain is almost unbearable. I have suggested that we just skip the foreplay, but he doesn’t want to have to do that because he wants sex to be enjoyable for me too. Honestly, i don’t want to have to give that up either, but I am starting to really dread being intimate because I either have to feel like I’m just an instrument of my husbands pleasure and get none of my own, or I receive pleasure too but then must feel such terrible pain during the “main act.”

If we could have intercourse first and THEN focus on my needs, this would solve all of the above problems. As far as I know though, that is not allowed. Anyway, what all this babbling has been leading up to is this question: In my situation, do you guys think my husband and I can engage in intercourse FIRST and then do oral sex after? Thank you for your help!

Why don’t you “cross the finish line” AFTER sex rather than before?

 

[Debora123]

Why don’t you “cross the finish line” AFTER sex rather than before?

Because she thinks it’s wrong. It’s in her last paragraph.