Introducing Kids to Not-Yet-Stepfamily

[pensmama87]

My family is visiting my grandparents next week before the school year starts. My mother will also be there, as will my sister and her live-in boyfriend, and his 6 year old son (I’ve posted about their situation before). I haven’t seen my sister in about two years, though I’ve made an effort to speak to her more since I posted that thread, since her nearby family isn’t proving to offer much realistic support.

My five year old is at that wonderful stage where he likes to ask super awkward questions about people, so I’m nervous about how to explain (or not explain) the situation and how to handle introductions. We’re unusual today, but neither my husband nor I have had much experience with “blended family” scenarios or live-ins.

I have a hunch that my sister will want my kids to consider her boyfriend “Uncle” and his son their “cousin” even though they’re not married. That might be easiest (when my 5yo wonders why they’re sharing a room, which they are), but they’re also *not *married. (And if and when we get a wedding invitation choosing to play along could backfire - “wait, why are they getting married again?”) Typically, my kids address unrelated adults as “Mr/Miss/Mrs LastName.”

I do want to go ahead with the visit, and I don’t want to give my sister the impression I’m shunning her. I’m still not happy about the relationship (and nobody in the family is), but this guy is apparently going to stick around, so I want to make the best of it, and maintain ties, without creating more confusion for my kids than necessary.

(For the record, we’re the only religious ones here, and I’m definitely regarded as a “nut” because why else would I bother to go to church every week? So knowing that this situation is considered adultery because he’s divorced doesn’t mean diddly to anybody except us, although in the unlikely situation it was ever examined by a tribunal I’m relatively certain that the first marriage would be found null.)

Advice very welcome.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

This is aunt Lucy’s friend, Dave. And that’s Daves’s little boy, Tommy. Tommy and you are about the same age, so you can play together!

And then after that, just answer any questions as honestly as possible.

I have a step nephew on DH’s side. (DHs brother’s second wife’s son) We see each other a few times a year. We also see the first wife frequently enough as well.

The only uncomfortable question was one time my littlest asked my BIL “how many kids do you have?”

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Would it be possible to ask your sister to introduce her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s son? Then she can decide what terminology to use.

Personally, I wouldn’t call them “Uncle” and “Cousin” because that might be making the relationship more serious/permanent than your sister and her boyfriend are comfortable with.

 

[pensmama87]

Would it be possible to ask your sister to introduce her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s son? Then she can decide what terminology to use.

Personally, I wouldn’t call them “Uncle” and “Cousin” because that might be making the relationship more serious/permanent than your sister and her boyfriend are comfortable with.

Well, my concern is that my sister will instruct them to say “uncle” and “cousin” if I let her decide, when they are not. My brother lives near them and my sister has referred to his daughter and her boyfriend’s son as “cousins” already, so that might already be in her head.

At the same time, “Mr. Smith” is probably too formal and would be interpreted as distancing. Mary Gail has a good suggestion. I might just put it that way right off the bat (or even before we go, so they know who these people are when we arrive since they are getting there first.)

 

[Memaw]

This is aunt Lucy’s friend, Dave. And that’s Daves’s little boy, Tommy. Tommy and you are about the same age, so you can play together!

And then after that, just answer any questions as honestly as possible.

I have a step nephew on DH’s side. (DHs brother’s second wife’s son) We see each other a few times a year. We also see the first wife frequently enough as well.

The only uncomfortable question was one time my littlest asked my BIL “how many kids do you have?”

I AGREE!!, God Bless, Memaw

 

[Allegra]

Is the couple actually engaged? When my husband and I were engaged, my niece called my husband, Almost-Uncle-Allegra. Most kids don’t address their cousins as “cousin” anyway, so I don’t think that’s really a problem. I would probably just address him as Mr. Firstname.

 

[pensmama87]

Is the couple actually engaged? When my husband and I were engaged, my niece called my husband, Almost-Uncle-Allegra. Most kids don’t address their cousins as “cousin” anyway, so I don’t think that’s really a problem. I would probably just address him as Mr. Firstname.

They are not actually engaged.

I’m leaning toward “this is auntie’s friend and his son.” Hopefully sister will not contest that.

ETA: Well, they have been talking marriage for a long time. But there’s no ring and no official plans, and she does not talk about herself as being engaged (though she does refer to herself as kid’s “stepmom.”)

 

[angell1]

They are not actually engaged.

I’m leaning toward “this is auntie’s friend and his son.” Hopefully sister will not contest that.

ETA: Well, they have been talking marriage for a long time. But there’s no ring and no official plans, and she does not talk about herself as being engaged (though she does refer to herself as kid’s “stepmom.”)

and if she does, you can always say that he’s only 5 and you’re trying to keep it simple. which is true

you can explain it to him better when he’s older. or else the situation might be different by then anyways

 

[pensmama87]

This is aunt Lucy’s friend, Dave. And that’s Daves’s little boy, Tommy. Tommy and you are about the same age, so you can play together!

And then after that, just answer any questions as honestly as possible.

I have a step nephew on DH’s side. (DHs brother’s second wife’s son) We see each other a few times a year. We also see the first wife frequently enough as well.

The only uncomfortable question was one time my littlest asked my BIL “how many kids do you have?”

I am concerned that my oldest son will ask questions like, “Where’s Tommy’s mom?” (Though I suppose, “She stayed at home in [state]” should suffice.) Or asking if my sister is his mom, or about the sleeping arrangements. On the one hand, I don’t want to borrow trouble, on the other, I don’t want to be caught off guard.

I suppose he is old enough we’ll have to start dealing with these issues anyway. But I have no idea how to talk about it.

 

[pensmama87]

So, the kids were less curious than I thought. They all played together nicely and I think boyfriend’s son was happy to have playmates.

That said, the rest of it was kind of a disaster. The situation is worse than I thought it would be, my sister is way in over her head, and even apart from the shacking up her behavior is just not ok. I don’t doubt some of what I’ve been told about the mom, but based on what I saw this weekend nobody is really looking out for this kid. Dad and my sister mostly ignored him. He is the one losing the most in this situation, and he’s completely innocent. It’s just very sad. Please pray for him especially.

(And I did correct my sister about the “aunt” and “uncle” and “cousins” designation. She rolled her eyes about my “needing it to be official” but agreed to my face. Then when she thought I was out of earshot she attempted to instruct my children again, which I won’t be forgetting anytime soon.)

Sigh. Please pray. I don’t see this getting better without a miracle.

 

[1990Domer]

Pensman, I know some of your pain. Please be assured of my prayers!

 

[pensmama87]

Welp, they’re engaged.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

I found out via text when I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

Now I have to figure out how to turn that down as gracefully as possible in a timely fashion, and figure out if we even want to go to the wedding.

(It’s across the country, the planned wedding date is during the school year, during the busiest time for my husband’s work schedule, and when flights are most expensive, and, oh yeah, it’s not going to be valid, plus it’s a really bad match.)

Blah.

 

[UbiCaritas]

1. It is SO wrong, but the first thing that crossed my Harry-Potter-mad mind was “MUST STEAL THAT AWESOME GIF!”
2. passes virtual glass of wine
3. strike that, passes virtual bottle of wine. One of those giant European 2-liter bottles. And an equally giant bag of dark chocolate.
4. I would be sorely, sorely tempted to cite all those reasons except possibly the invalidity and say you aren’t going, unless this is likely to utterly destroy the relationship.

Possibly more in a bit.

 

[AClaire11]

If they’re reasonable people, saying you regretfully can’t make that date due to scheduling and finances should suffice.

 

[pensmama87]

If they’re reasonable people, saying you regretfully can’t make that date due to scheduling and finances should suffice.

Ah, there’s the rub.

My husband did say I could go and the kids could stay here and he’d figure out school etc, which was really amazing of him. That’s a heck if a lot better than spending $1000+ on airfare for a weekend or for a week and everybody missing school and work. But I don’t know if I even want to do that.

 

[pensmama87]

1. It is SO wrong, but the first thing that crossed my Harry-Potter-mad mind was “MUST STEAL THAT AWESOME GIF!”
2. passes virtual glass of wine
3. strike that, passes virtual bottle of wine. One of those giant European 2-liter bottles. And an equally giant bag of dark chocolate.
4. I would be sorely, sorely tempted to cite all those reasons except possibly the invalidity and say you aren’t going, unless this is likely to utterly destroy the relationship.

Possibly more in a bit.

It is an excellent GIF

I really have no idea how refusal would affect it. She is very dramatic. I do have several valid reasons, though, that I think she can understand. It’s just being delicate about it.

If the wedding was in the summer, it’d be a lot easier to go and I’d actually enjoy the trip. We were thinking about going then anyway (I have a niece I haven’t met) but now that’s all ripe for drama.