Introvert With Extrovert In-laws

[QuietCatholic]

To keep this brief (?), I am an introvert, also highly sensitive, and married into a family of extreme extroverts. This is a group of people who abhor silence and will do anything to avoid or fill it. When I am with them, I find myself literally ducking for cover. After not much time in their presence, I am exhausted. Often, I feel the need to go someplace dark and quiet - and weep. I am not exaggerating. I am a pretty cool person with lots to say, on topics that matter to me, and am also a writer. But when I am mixed with them - deer in headlights. It is not that they are not good people. It is the clash between their personalities and mine. They try hard - way too hard - to include me (or fix me) and that only makes it worse. There is not so much respect for who I am as pity. This is not a new problem, it has been years and years and I have avoided them as much as possible (we live in different states). But when an event is coming up, even months away, I start to dread and obsess. I have recently (within the past 6 months) come back to the church and my faith. I know this problem with my husband’s family - of whom I have become quite phobic over the years - is something I need to work out one way or another. I know it is blocking me from closeness to God. But I don’t know how to handle the get-togethers when they are always, due to our distance from each other, much longer than I can handle. I have heard “suck it up” and “it’s only a few days” but that sort of thing doesn’t help. Last time, I tried lots of prayer, and it helped to prepare me for the first night, and to calm me when that was over, but the next day, the usual paralysis and anxiety. Honestly? After an hour, maybe two, I am spent. And then there are many hours to go, plus a sleepless night or two, and more long noisy days. When my husband’s parents come up to visit us, it is even harder. I am supposed to be the hostess - but entertaining overnight company is really difficult. My MIL’s constant chatter is amazingly tiring. And she has a way of bringing up topics I have nothing to say about. I cannot seem to handle more than that first evening before I start to decompose. The other thing is that the conversation so very often turns to material things, money, trips, shopping, etc. They feel so sorry for their son who has to work so hard and can’t do elaborate things like his wealthy siblings do. And we, as a couple, as working so hard not to focus on that part of life - but to focus on our spiritual life instead. It’s a difficult thing and I feel like I am destined to fall right into all sorts of sins when they are with me. Help! And thank you.

 

[KimberlyCat]

To keep this brief (?), I am an introvert, also highly sensitive, and married into a family of extreme extroverts. This is a group of people who abhor silence and will do anything to avoid or fill it. When I am with them, I find myself literally ducking for cover. After not much time in their presence, I am exhausted. Often, I feel the need to go someplace dark and quiet - and weep. I am not exaggerating. I am a pretty cool person with lots to say, on topics that matter to me, and am also a writer. But when I am mixed with them - deer in headlights. It is not that they are not good people. It is the clash between their personalities and mine. They try hard - way too hard - to include me (or fix me) and that only makes it worse. There is not so much respect for who I am as pity. This is not a new problem, it has been years and years and I have avoided them as much as possible (we live in different states). But when an event is coming up, even months away, I start to dread and obsess. I have recently (within the past 6 months) come back to the church and my faith. I know this problem with my husband’s family - of whom I have become quite phobic over the years - is something I need to work out one way or another. I know it is blocking me from closeness to God. But I don’t know how to handle the get-togethers when they are always, due to our distance from each other, much longer than I can handle. I have heard “suck it up” and “it’s only a few days” but that sort of thing doesn’t help. Last time, I tried lots of prayer, and it helped to prepare me for the first night, and to calm me when that was over, but the next day, the usual paralysis and anxiety. Honestly? After an hour, maybe two, I am spent. And then there are many hours to go, plus a sleepless night or two, and more long noisy days. When my husband’s parents come up to visit us, it is even harder. I am supposed to be the hostess - but entertaining overnight company is really difficult. My MIL’s constant chatter is amazingly tiring. And she has a way of bringing up topics I have nothing to say about. I cannot seem to handle more than that first evening before I start to decompose. The other thing is that the conversation so very often turns to material things, money, trips, shopping, etc. They feel so sorry for their son who has to work so hard and can’t do elaborate things like his wealthy siblings do. And we, as a couple, as working so hard not to focus on that part of life - but to focus on our spiritual life instead. It’s a difficult thing and I feel like I am destined to fall right into all sorts of sins when they are with me. Help! And thank you.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too am an introvert. I get really anxious when I have to go to a particular family function once a year. It’s a five day event in Galveston, TX and I can’t get out of it because it’s my grandmother’s step family. (Long story). Anyway I start to dread it months before. I NEED my quiet time and I NEED my alone time. I live a very quiet life and love solitude. These people are loud, obnoxious, and drink heavily. (I don’t drink). They are always in my face to “lighten up” or “join the party”. All they do is gossip and talk about how many vacation homes they have and it’s actually quite boring. But every minute of every day they have to be DOING SOMETHING. Sometimes I just go sit outside by myself to read a book to escape for a while…but they always find me. And then they say how sorry they feel for me because I’m just reading a book when I could be out on the beach “partying” with them. They are all over 50 I might add. A week before I leave I go and sit in Adoration everyday for one hour. This really helps me. When I come back I do the same thing to decompress. Good Luck. I will be praying for you.

 

[Lorelei12]

It’s too bad when people don’t appreciate or respect people who are more quiet. I am quiet and sensitive to being over-stimulated too, and have friends and family members who don’t understand. I prefer smaller, more intimate get-togethers and too much noise and commotion tires me out and makes me physically ill sometimes.

I have learned to make no apologies for my nature, but rather to take care of myself so that when I am in the company of others, I am at my best. Sometimes that means declining an invitation if there is too much going on, or leaving a function early.

In your case, where do you stay when you visit your in-laws? If you don’t stay in a hotel, I would encourage it. You are the kind of person who needs a retreat, and that is okay.

How does your husband feel about it? If he is more outgoing, does he at least support you? Does he compromise with you about how long to spend at your in-laws?

And when they visit you, could you ask that they stay in a hotel? If that’s too uncomfortable, you could make things easier on yourself by going out occasionally to run an errand, picking up food instead of cooking, going for a walk, taking a nap, whatever. You shouldn’t feel as though you have to spend every waking second with them.

If you can find ways to steal away and get some reprieves during visits, it might make things easier. Have you sought professional help for your anxiety about it? A therapist might be able to help you come up with ways to cope.

 

[QuietCatholic]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too am an introvert. I get really anxious when I have to go to a particular family function once a year. It’s a five day event in Galveston, TX and I can’t get out of it because it’s my grandmother’s step family. (Long story). Anyway I start to dread it months before. I NEED my quiet time and I NEED my alone time. I live a very quiet life and love solitude. These people are loud, obnoxious, and drink heavily. (I don’t drink). They are always in my face to “lighten up” or “join the party”. All they do is gossip and talk about how many vacation homes they have and it’s actually quite boring. But every minute of every day they have to be DOING SOMETHING. Sometimes I just go sit outside by myself to read a book to escape for a while…but they always find me. And then they say how sorry they feel for me because I’m just reading a book when I could be out on the beach “partying” with them. They are all over 50 I might add. A week before I leave I go and sit in Adoration everyday for one hour. This really helps me. When I come back I do the same thing to decompress. Good Luck. I will be praying for you.

Thank you for your response! It really helps to hear from others who have similar situations and the same awesome and God-given temperament. I appreciate your support and prayers and the idea of Adoration before a visit. I find that to be very powerful and know I should do it more. Let me know when you have one of your reunions/trials coming up and I will pray for you, too!

 

[QuietCatholic]

It’s too bad when people don’t appreciate or respect people who are more quiet. I am quiet and sensitive to being over-stimulated too, and have friends and family members who don’t understand. I prefer smaller, more intimate get-togethers and too much noise and commotion tires me out and makes me physically ill sometimes.

I have learned to make no apologies for my nature, but rather to take care of myself so that when I am in the company of others, I am at my best. Sometimes that means declining an invitation if there is too much going on, or leaving a function early.

In your case, where do you stay when you visit your in-laws? If you don’t stay in a hotel, I would encourage it. You are the kind of person who needs a retreat, and that is okay.

How does your husband feel about it? If he is more outgoing, does he at least support you? Does he compromise with you about how long to spend at your in-laws?

And when they visit you, could you ask that they stay in a hotel? If that’s too uncomfortable, you could make things easier on yourself by going out occasionally to run an errand, picking up food instead of cooking, going for a walk, taking a nap, whatever. You shouldn’t feel as though you have to spend every waking second with them.

If you can find ways to steal away and get some reprieves during visits, it might make things easier. Have you sought professional help for your anxiety about it? A therapist might be able to help you come up with ways to cope.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses, I really appreciate it. Originally, I attempted to deal with this situation from the psychological perspective (vs. spiritual) and have been taking care of myself - have become quite the queen of tactics actually. I had some therapy after my daughter was born for post-partum depression and this subject came up. The therapist insisted, too, that I take care of myself. My husband has been as understanding as he can be, considering that he doesn’t share my nature. He is an extrovert, but must have seen something in me that attracted him to a more quiet lifestyle - ? He has had to stop trying to be ‘in the middle’ between me and his mother and be ‘on my side’. We’re still working on that. We see a lot less of his family than “normal” couples would because of me. He doesn’t like to go there without me - but when I am going along, it has to be short, we need to stay in a hotel, and etc.

I would love to put my in-laws up at a hotel when they visit - that would take a lot of stress off of me, though there would be resistance from my husband. Every time his parents visit, it is at least a month of preparation and careful planning on my part to make it work - usually including a big chunk of time in the middle where they go off with him and not me for several hours so I can recuperate. And every time, they try to convince me to join them. This spring, it was a golf outing. We spent the morning together on a river boat cruise - in the pouring rain - and then the golfing got cancelled because of the rain. They were perfectly jolly about going with the flow - and doing a bunch of shopping together instead - doubling our all-together time. By the time we got home, I was a wreck. And my MIL did not understand why I didn’t want to head out for dinner and the mall and even more chatting with them that evening. I stayed home, took a bath, in the dark, cried, and then prayed.

That’s how it goes.

I guess I am searching for the spiritual answer to this in addition to the psychological. I don’t think my temperament will change and I will start to enjoy these sorts of things. That would be a miracle and besides, I believe I was made to be this way for a reason. I can be around people in certain doses, certain people, at certain times and am quite a talker and also kind. Around my family-in-law - not so much. I think part of it is that “pity” they feel for me versus other people seeing me as just a person and in that light I can be my awesome self versus a basket case.

 

[iepuras]

To keep this brief (?), I am an introvert, also highly sensitive, and married into a family of extreme extroverts. This is a group of people who abhor silence and will do anything to avoid or fill it. When I am with them, I find myself literally ducking for cover. After not much time in their presence, I am exhausted. Often, I feel the need to go someplace dark and quiet - and weep. I am not exaggerating. I am a pretty cool person with lots to say, on topics that matter to me, and am also a writer. But when I am mixed with them - deer in headlights. It is not that they are not good people. It is the clash between their personalities and mine. They try hard - way too hard - to include me (or fix me) and that only makes it worse. There is not so much respect for who I am as pity. This is not a new problem, it has been years and years and I have avoided them as much as possible (we live in different states). But when an event is coming up, even months away, I start to dread and obsess. I have recently (within the past 6 months) come back to the church and my faith. I know this problem with my husband’s family - of whom I have become quite phobic over the years - is something I need to work out one way or another. I know it is blocking me from closeness to God. But I don’t know how to handle the get-togethers when they are always, due to our distance from each other, much longer than I can handle. I have heard “suck it up” and “it’s only a few days” but that sort of thing doesn’t help. Last time, I tried lots of prayer, and it helped to prepare me for the first night, and to calm me when that was over, but the next day, the usual paralysis and anxiety. Honestly? After an hour, maybe two, I am spent. And then there are many hours to go, plus a sleepless night or two, and more long noisy days. When my husband’s parents come up to visit us, it is even harder. I am supposed to be the hostess - but entertaining overnight company is really difficult. My MIL’s constant chatter is amazingly tiring. And she has a way of bringing up topics I have nothing to say about. I cannot seem to handle more than that first evening before I start to decompose. The other thing is that the conversation so very often turns to material things, money, trips, shopping, etc. They feel so sorry for their son who has to work so hard and can’t do elaborate things like his wealthy siblings do. And we, as a couple, as working so hard not to focus on that part of life - but to focus on our spiritual life instead. It’s a difficult thing and I feel like I am destined to fall right into all sorts of sins when they are with me. Help! And thank you.

Sorry to hear how rough it is on you! I am a “well-adjusted” introvert, but I need time to myself too. My family is primarily introverted, but I have two small children who constantly demand attention. It got so bad last weekend, I snuck off and locked myself in the bathroom with a book! Of course, ten minutes later, my husband came looking for me and asked me why I was in the bathroom for so long! My kids think they need to flush the toilet for me and take a shower with me, so it’s hard! I work in an open trade floor environment, which I actually like and find more productive, but at the end of the week, it can be exhausting. The exhaustion has just built up, and I need to get to the spa. Next time you go for a visit, schedule a half-day trip to the spa. Even if your MIL tags along, you will still get plenty of peaceful alone time. I also like the idea of Adoration. Maybe I need to do that this weekend before I go crazy!

 

[bmaj]

To keep this brief (?), I am an introvert, also highly sensitive, and married into a family of extreme extroverts. This is a group of people who abhor silence and will do anything to avoid or fill it. When I am with them, I find myself literally ducking for cover. After not much time in their presence, I am exhausted. Often, I feel the need to go someplace dark and quiet - and weep. I am not exaggerating. I am a pretty cool person with lots to say, on topics that matter to me, and am also a writer. But when I am mixed with them - deer in headlights. It is not that they are not good people. It is the clash between their personalities and mine. They try hard - way too hard - to include me (or fix me) and that only makes it worse. There is not so much respect for who I am as pity. This is not a new problem, it has been years and years and I have avoided them as much as possible (we live in different states). But when an event is coming up, even months away, I start to dread and obsess. I have recently (within the past 6 months) come back to the church and my faith. I know this problem with my husband’s family - of whom I have become quite phobic over the years - is something I need to work out one way or another. I know it is blocking me from closeness to God. But I don’t know how to handle the get-togethers when they are always, due to our distance from each other, much longer than I can handle. I have heard “suck it up” and “it’s only a few days” but that sort of thing doesn’t help. Last time, I tried lots of prayer, and it helped to prepare me for the first night, and to calm me when that was over, but the next day, the usual paralysis and anxiety. Honestly? After an hour, maybe two, I am spent. And then there are many hours to go, plus a sleepless night or two, and more long noisy days. When my husband’s parents come up to visit us, it is even harder. I am supposed to be the hostess - but entertaining overnight company is really difficult. My MIL’s constant chatter is amazingly tiring. And she has a way of bringing up topics I have nothing to say about. I cannot seem to handle more than that first evening before I start to decompose. The other thing is that the conversation so very often turns to material things, money, trips, shopping, etc. They feel so sorry for their son who has to work so hard and can’t do elaborate things like his wealthy siblings do. And we, as a couple, as working so hard not to focus on that part of life - but to focus on our spiritual life instead. It’s a difficult thing and I feel like I am destined to fall right into all sorts of sins when they are with me. Help! And thank you.

I feel your pain and definitely know where you’re coming from. If you have a dog, it can help to take him for a real long, solo walk while the in-laws are at your house…or go escape for as long as you can to do the laundry in another area of the house when they’re staying over. Another good thing is to tell them you’ve got to go to the library for awhile (maybe because the book you requested just came in, etc. - and be sure to request a few ahead of time) - and then hang out there relaxing for as long as you possibly can! You can look for some good books and perhaps even some DVD’s while there to borrow that the in-laws might enjoy as a surprise for them when you return – and to help keep them occupied. While they’re watching, you can either enjoy the movies or parts of them with them or go to another room to de-stress for awhile by yourself. I try to keep all of the above mini-escapes in mind when similar situations arise at our house. Adoration sounds like a great retreat also - or even weekday Mass!
Try not to feel guilty that you’re an introvert and prefer things nice and quiet. You’re definitely not alone in that regard, and everyone has their own unique personality and gifts from God to use while on this earth. God bless, and good luck!

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

As an introvert, I can identify with you. Fortunately I no longer have inlaws to deal with. I am not obligated to go to big gatherings and all that. But, since I have been going with a group of people who meet once a month, I have problems, too.

I am labeled “shy”, but I am not. Sometimes people say I’m “odd,” but I am not. Fact is, I don’t have much patience with restaurants because they are often loud, and I can’t hear what they are saying. I feel like I have to shout in order for anyone to hear me.

I thought of how nice it would be just to have a really good friend to talk to about various interests, like animals, unusual insects, space objects and galaxies. I love zoos, aquariums, and that sort of thing. Most of those people I try to be friends with just like to eat. Restaurants are their thing. Anyway, I am glad that I have the choice to opt out of things, unlike having an obligation to visit noisy relatives. One thing people often don’t realize is that it is hard to think and contemplate in a noisy atmosphere. Eating is a way of filling a void, and it can also cause overweight. One good thing eating does do, though: When the food comes, everyone shuts up!

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’m an introvert who married into a huge family of extroverts, but I’m very blessed in that they generally respect my introverted-ness. When we visit them, they have no problem that I need to spend a lot of time by myself; they know it isn’t that I don’t love them, but that I need “rest periods” in between social events.

On occasion, such as at holidays, I have been known to slip off somewhere by myself for a while with a book or my phone for half an hour to an hour just to recharge. One of my brothers-in-law is also an introvert–the only one I’ve met on that side. During massive family events, we’ve been known to blunder into the room where the other person is “hiding,” make a joke about “don’t mind me, I’m just being introverted,” and then hang out in separate rooms in order to get our quiet time. Honestly, I think that having that one other person whose introvert nature they’re used to has probably made a huge difference in their understanding of my personality.

Aside from spending alone time, things that help me include not thinking about a whole weekend or week at a time. I think of it in terms of events, however small: “Ok, I’m going to get up and get dressed now. Next is breakfast. I’ll bring a book to the table (acceptable in this family, as people tend to eat when they get up rather than all together), make a few small-talk type remarks, and then probably disappear into it for a while. Then I’ll straighten up our room and help with a chore or two. Ok, that’s done. There’s no one on the patio, I’ll sit out there and read or write for a while. Next I’ll help with lunch. I’ll ask Susie about X, Y, and Z topics. That should get us through lunch. After that, we’re going shopping. Once we’re finished with shopping and get back, I’ll take a long walk.” Etc. It probably sounds very simplistic, but anchoring myself in just doing what I’m doing at the time or focusing on working through the next task or interaction helps me not to get anxious or weepy. If I thought “I have to spend a week with someone other than my husband,” I’d probably sit down and cry. If I just think about the next thing, I can do it with a smile on my face. Also HUGELY important is getting my alone time. I don’t have to really set a boundary with my in-laws because my wishes and inclinations are so respected there, but I have had to do so with other people. I’m pleasant but firm about it: “I need time alone even when I’m with my favorite people in order to recharge and give them the best of myself. I’m going to go for a walk by myself, and I’ll be back in about an hour. Let’s do X then, ok? I’m looking forward to it!”

Good luck!

 

[Demetra2]

You have been given some good advice here on how to cope with in- law visits which are emotionally and physically drainng. It is admirable that you are trying to go beyond your comfort zone and I am sure that your husband appreciates your efforts. I think you have to focus on the good that you are doing for the family by participating even if it seems like a sacrifice. It is a type of suffering for you but that is OK because it is for a greater good. I think if you can reframe it as a difficult yet very good gift that you give to your husband perhaps it will not seem so overwhelming. Your in-laws will not be around forever and one day they will be too elderly to visit and everything will be different and you may even have some fond memories of these times together. I think if you can find “alone time” time each day of their visit it will rejuvenate you and perhaps you will even enjoy the visits a little bit more. Nothing lasts forever so remember that this is just a season in your life. Ask God to help you and thank Him for your in-laws even if they are difficult.

 

[QuietCatholic]

Sorry to hear how rough it is on you! I am a “well-adjusted” introvert, but I need time to myself too. My family is primarily introverted, but I have two small children who constantly demand attention. It got so bad last weekend, I snuck off and locked myself in the bathroom with a book! Of course, ten minutes later, my husband came looking for me and asked me why I was in the bathroom for so long! My kids think they need to flush the toilet for me and take a shower with me, so it’s hard! I work in an open trade floor environment, which I actually like and find more productive, but at the end of the week, it can be exhausting. The exhaustion has just built up, and I need to get to the spa. Next time you go for a visit, schedule a half-day trip to the spa. Even if your MIL tags along, you will still get plenty of peaceful alone time. I also like the idea of Adoration. Maybe I need to do that this weekend before I go crazy!

It is amazing to me, the minute I step into that chapel - peace. Even if it’s only 20 minutes. I recommend it. Spend some time with Jesus. I will take my own advice on that, too.

I am fortunate to work part time (though it was forced on me back in 2009 as part of layoffs and felt anything but fortunate!) - working only 20 hours a week in an extremely flexible position. I do computer work and can actually do it from home sometimes. I have just enough personal contact with people I really like to let my light shine a bit among fellow humans, but mainly do my thing, in my office by myself in the quiet (listening to Relevant Radio!) and then I head out to pick my daughter up at school.

I am a VERY lucky mom with a daughter (15) who actually likes me and talks to me, tells me all about her day, every day and hugs me. We say prayers together before she goes to bed - which means, these days, I am up past MY bedtime. Zzzzzz. But what precious times those are. I cherish them even though I never get enough sleep anymore. Yes, I do know how unusual that is and how special she is. My home life is very peaceful. If it wasn’t for those pesky family reunions…

 

[QuietCatholic]

I feel your pain and definitely know where you’re coming from. If you have a dog, it can help to take him for a real long, solo walk while the in-laws are at your house…or go escape for as long as you can to do the laundry in another area of the house when they’re staying over. Another good thing is to tell them you’ve got to go to the library for awhile (maybe because the book you requested just came in, etc. - and be sure to request a few ahead of time) - and then hang out there relaxing for as long as you possibly can! You can look for some good books and perhaps even some DVD’s while there to borrow that the in-laws might enjoy as a surprise for them when you return – and to help keep them occupied. While they’re watching, you can either enjoy the movies or parts of them with them or go to another room to de-stress for awhile by yourself. I try to keep all of the above mini-escapes in mind when similar situations arise at our house. Adoration sounds like a great retreat also - or even weekday Mass!
Try not to feel guilty that you’re an introvert and prefer things nice and quiet. You’re definitely not alone in that regard, and everyone has their own unique personality and gifts from God to use while on this earth. God bless, and good luck!

It really helps to hear that you know where I’m coming from. Thank you! Your suggestions are good ones. I’ve thought about popping in Sound of Music - for example - it’s nice and long… I think I could handle the whole thing better if there was less ‘sitting around and talking’ - but that is exactly what they LOVE to do! Ugh. Thanks again - God bless!

 

[QuietCatholic]

As an introvert, I can identify with you. Fortunately I no longer have inlaws to deal with. I am not obligated to go to big gatherings and all that. But, since I have been going with a group of people who meet once a month, I have problems, too.

I am labeled “shy”, but I am not. Sometimes people say I’m “odd,” but I am not. Fact is, I don’t have much patience with restaurants because they are often loud, and I can’t hear what they are saying. I feel like I have to shout in order for anyone to hear me.

I thought of how nice it would be just to have a really good friend to talk to about various interests, like animals, unusual insects, space objects and galaxies. I love zoos, aquariums, and that sort of thing. Most of those people I try to be friends with just like to eat. Restaurants are their thing. Anyway, I am glad that I have the choice to opt out of things, unlike having an obligation to visit noisy relatives. One thing people often don’t realize is that it is hard to think and contemplate in a noisy atmosphere. Eating is a way of filling a void, and it can also cause overweight. One good thing eating does do, though: When the food comes, everyone shuts up!

It’s so hard to find people who like to do what you like - and such a blessing when you do find them. I hope you do! Keep looking. I agree with you on noisy restaurants. I have a soft voice in addition to all the other stuff, so it can be really frustrating to not be heard, to repeat myself over and over or to just sit there and have all kinds of noise swirling. True, too, that eating takes up time and fills the void when the situation is uncomfortable. When I am with my in-laws, being in a noisy restaurant is a relief over having them ‘interrogate’ me in a quiet place. Thanks for responding - God bless!

 

[QuietCatholic]

I’m an introvert who married into a huge family of extroverts, but I’m very blessed in that they generally respect my introverted-ness. When we visit them, they have no problem that I need to spend a lot of time by myself; they know it isn’t that I don’t love them, but that I need “rest periods” in between social events.

On occasion, such as at holidays, I have been known to slip off somewhere by myself for a while with a book or my phone for half an hour to an hour just to recharge. One of my brothers-in-law is also an introvert–the only one I’ve met on that side. During massive family events, we’ve been known to blunder into the room where the other person is “hiding,” make a joke about “don’t mind me, I’m just being introverted,” and then hang out in separate rooms in order to get our quiet time. Honestly, I think that having that one other person whose introvert nature they’re used to has probably made a huge difference in their understanding of my personality.

Aside from spending alone time, things that help me include not thinking about a whole weekend or week at a time. I think of it in terms of events, however small: “Ok, I’m going to get up and get dressed now. Next is breakfast. I’ll bring a book to the table (acceptable in this family, as people tend to eat when they get up rather than all together), make a few small-talk type remarks, and then probably disappear into it for a while. Then I’ll straighten up our room and help with a chore or two. Ok, that’s done. There’s no one on the patio, I’ll sit out there and read or write for a while. Next I’ll help with lunch. I’ll ask Susie about X, Y, and Z topics. That should get us through lunch. After that, we’re going shopping. Once we’re finished with shopping and get back, I’ll take a long walk.” Etc. It probably sounds very simplistic, but anchoring myself in just doing what I’m doing at the time or focusing on working through the next task or interaction helps me not to get anxious or weepy. If I thought “I have to spend a week with someone other than my husband,” I’d probably sit down and cry. If I just think about the next thing, I can do it with a smile on my face. Also HUGELY important is getting my alone time. I don’t have to really set a boundary with my in-laws because my wishes and inclinations are so respected there, but I have had to do so with other people. I’m pleasant but firm about it: “I need time alone even when I’m with my favorite people in order to recharge and give them the best of myself. I’m going to go for a walk by myself, and I’ll be back in about an hour. Let’s do X then, ok? I’m looking forward to it!”

Good luck!

Wow - you have a good situation and have figured out a great system. I think I do the ‘breaking it into pieces’ thing in a subconscious way, too. Which is why I fell apart last spring when the golf outing got cancelled and so my get-away for three hours did too.

It would be great to find one person in this group who ‘gets me’. There is my brother-in-law who has learning disabilities - so though he’s 45 is like a teenager - who accepts me exactly as I am. Since he is the family ‘black sheep’ - they see me as some sort of ‘saint’ for spending time with him. Which is not at all how I see it. It actually soothes me to have him around and I doubt if it would understand that. He comes up to see us and stays for 10 days - if you can believe it - and I get through it pretty much intact - exhausted but not emotionally. We have a system down because he comes up a lot. He spends a lot of time playing video games downstairs - and wants one-on-one time with his brother as soon as my husband gets home. We play cards and we do jigsaw puzzles - lots of them - and constant talking is not required. He likes to talk - don’t get me wrong - but he doesn’t need me to say much back. So - thanks for reminding me of that silver lining in the in-law cloud.

 

[QuietCatholic]

You have been given some good advice here on how to cope with in- law visits which are emotionally and physically drainng. It is admirable that you are trying to go beyond your comfort zone and I am sure that your husband appreciates your efforts. I think you have to focus on the good that you are doing for the family by participating even if it seems like a sacrifice. It is a type of suffering for you but that is OK because it is for a greater good. I think if you can reframe it as a difficult yet very good gift that you give to your husband perhaps it will not seem so overwhelming. Your in-laws will not be around forever and one day they will be too elderly to visit and everything will be different and you may even have some fond memories of these times together. I think if you can find “alone time” time each day of their visit it will rejuvenate you and perhaps you will even enjoy the visits a little bit more. Nothing lasts forever so remember that this is just a season in your life. Ask God to help you and thank Him for your in-laws even if they are difficult.

Good advice, and true. Thank you!

 

[PennyinCanada]

I wanted to say it’s not just the in-laws! My husband can go visiting for 6 or 7 hours and I’m done in 2!! What a torture to stay another 4. lol I gave up going with him and told him that he’s a marathon visitor and I’m best with sprints. lol He was disappointed, but not enough disappointed to leave in 2 hours! lol

 

[QuietCatholic]

I wanted to say it’s not just the in-laws! My husband can go visiting for 6 or 7 hours and I’m done in 2!! What a torture to stay another 4. lol I gave up going with him and told him that he’s a marathon visitor and I’m best with sprints. lol He was disappointed, but not enough disappointed to leave in 2 hours! lol

That’s a great way of putting it! Me too - best with sprints. Not big on those marathons. Even when it’s with my side of the family - much more introverted. A family reunion with 50 introverts who want to catch up will wear me out, too, but I can stay for a few hours then go home and take a nap because it’s always near by.

 

[Lorelei12]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses, I really appreciate it. Originally, I attempted to deal with this situation from the psychological perspective (vs. spiritual) and have been taking care of myself - have become quite the queen of tactics actually. I had some therapy after my daughter was born for post-partum depression and this subject came up. The therapist insisted, too, that I take care of myself. My husband has been as understanding as he can be, considering that he doesn’t share my nature. He is an extrovert, but must have seen something in me that attracted him to a more quiet lifestyle - ? He has had to stop trying to be ‘in the middle’ between me and his mother and be ‘on my side’. We’re still working on that. We see a lot less of his family than “normal” couples would because of me. He doesn’t like to go there without me - but when I am going along, it has to be short, we need to stay in a hotel, and etc.

I would love to put my in-laws up at a hotel when they visit - that would take a lot of stress off of me, though there would be resistance from my husband. Every time his parents visit, it is at least a month of preparation and careful planning on my part to make it work - usually including a big chunk of time in the middle where they go off with him and not me for several hours so I can recuperate. And every time, they try to convince me to join them. This spring, it was a golf outing. We spent the morning together on a river boat cruise - in the pouring rain - and then the golfing got cancelled because of the rain. They were perfectly jolly about going with the flow - and doing a bunch of shopping together instead - doubling our all-together time. By the time we got home, I was a wreck. And my MIL did not understand why I didn’t want to head out for dinner and the mall and even more chatting with them that evening. I stayed home, took a bath, in the dark, cried, and then prayed.

That’s how it goes.

I guess I am searching for the spiritual answer to this in addition to the psychological. I don’t think my temperament will change and I will start to enjoy these sorts of things. That would be a miracle and besides, I believe I was made to be this way for a reason. I can be around people in certain doses, certain people, at certain times and am quite a talker and also kind. Around my family-in-law - not so much. I think part of it is that “pity” they feel for me versus other people seeing me as just a person and in that light I can be my awesome self versus a basket case.

It sounds like you have been doing this long enough to have to come up with all sorts of practical ways to deal with it. Some of the ideas on here are very good too- Adoration, and I like the spa outing idea too. You could make a day of it, and at least get some peace and quiet if anyone tagged along. It’s a really tough position you’re in. I hope someday the idea that people who are easily over-stimulated and need time away is normal and that people understand it better. It would make our lives a lot easier.

As for whether there is a “spiritual” answer- remember that Jesus made a habit of leaving the group to be alone to pray as well. Even though it’s more necessary for some of us to retreat away, it would be good for extroverts to take some time for it too, because it is good for our souls.

Have you read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking? I’d recommend it. Maybe you could leave it out on the coffee table next time your in-laws come for a visit.

 

[steph410]

I have enjoyed reading this thread. I am an introvert also and my in-laws also live far away but are constantly planning times when they are in town with multiple parties and get-togethers planned in the span of a few days. I dread it, much like you, for months ahead of time. I just don’t enjoy it.

I would only add that it may be good to assert yourself and just be straightforward if you can’t make every single event, or if you need to leave early, etc. I make an effort but it is positively excruciating at times. They are adults and can surely understand that everyone is different and may not enjoy the same activities or may feel overwhelmed with too many events. I totally understand.

 

[runningdude]

It is you’re husband’s role to manage his family and keep them out of your hairs. Make sure he knows your concerns, so that you know he has your back next time your family is visiting.

Perhaps you and your husband could stay at a hotel while visiting them. When visiting, you would then have the option of “turning in early”, while your husband could choose to stay later. In return, your husband could offer to put his family up in a hotel when they visit, perhaps gently explaining that the two of you need extra space. Sure, they may be slightly offended, but why should their offense trump your discomfort?