Introvert With Extrovert In-laws

[white_sheep]

Extroverts are crazy. Try drinking. Works for me.

 

[lifeandhope]

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. I will keep you in my prayers. I read and re-read your posts very carefully because some things that you wrote really jumped out at me. The words that you use to describe your emotions when it comes to social interactions with your in-laws are quite strong: “sleepless nights” “anxiety” “paralysis” . You describe your in-laws as quite talkative but overall didn’t say anything negative about them as people. I would urge you to see your medical doctor because based on your post your reaction seems, well, pretty strong.

You described an outing with your in-laws where you spent the day on a River Boat Cruise and then after went shopping. After doing this you were a “wreck” so you “sat in the dark, took a bath and cried.” I found this so very sad I am so sorry and I urge you to seek medical attention to rule out anything medical and also to see your priest or deacon. Clearly spending the day on a boat and shopping is not your idea of a perfect day no doubt…but the fact that you totally fell apart could be a sign of something more serious.

I am not a physician, psychologist and I have no credentials whatsoever. However the fact that you were a total wreck after a day that is a typical outing for many adults seems extremely sad to me. Dear one I don’t believe you have to live this way. Clearly some people are introverts yes! Of course God created all of us differently and with different temperaments! Your anxiety level just seems very high to me from what you wrote that’s all. You probably will never be a party person, but I don’t think you have to be weeping in the dark in a bathtub after going shopping either. I hope there is help for you, I am so sorry for what you are going through. God bless you.

I am sure this is well intentioned; however, although you do express a lot of anxiety around the situation, I believe that it will diminish as you are able to change the situation that is creating the anxiety. I am a psychotherapist and an introvert and I want to emphasize that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR PERSONALITY. Had to do the all-CAPs for emphasis! I highly recommend a book called “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.” I believe you will feel hugely validated in reading this book, and you will recognize that we are surrounded by extroverts and many, but not all, believe that extroversion is healthy and introversion is not. There are benefits to both temperaments, and speaking for introversion I believe they have a great capacity for depth, deep thinking and processing on a level that goes beyond the surface. Introverts study the world and have insight into situations that are missed by some busy and talkative people. In societies past, melancholy and introversion were highly respected and admired. Introversion is not a measure of shyness or discomfort with social situations (these are social anxieties, an entirely different class of disorders entirely). Rather, introversion simply means you are more focused on the internal work and gain energy from being alone. Extroverts gain personal energy from being with others. I encourage you to accept that God has given you introversion as a gift and that your personality will accomplish, for His will, what no one else will be able to accomplish, because He needs you to be who you are for the life He has called you to.

With all that said, I can fully understand the in-law situation. My extrovert in-laws not only are extremely extroverted, but they are very unkind about my introverted personality and think that there is something mentally wrong with me–they’ve even posted such on Facebook for all to see (I don’t do Facebook anymore, for several reasons, but this being the main reason). My husband and I are both introverts and he was always the “black sheep” of the family, in his words, because he did not want to be constantly on-the-go and visiting with everyone all the time. Growing up in that house was hard for my husband. We had a massive misunderstanding four years ago, where my in-laws literally got angry with my introversion, saying they weren’t welcome in our home (they’re from out of town, and like you, when they came to town I planned for months–meals, activities, getting the house ready, and I worked SO HARD to be friendly and a good hostess). Sadly, my in-laws have not spoken to us in years and have not seen their grandchildren because of this situation. I am astonished that they would cut off contact, but my husband has told me this is “what his mom does when she’s unhappy with someone”. My husband is trying to establish contact, and it is slow going, but he said this is how his mom is. We have apologized up and down, and I have prayed prayed prayed to find my faults in the situation. When I saw your post I thought maybe it was a post I wrote and forgot about, the situation is so similar! I am sorry for your situation, but I am a little relieved to know I am not the only one who has had this issue. I deeply hope that your in-laws are kinder to you than mine have been to me. Both of my daughters are introverts as well, so when they get the message from my husband’s family that mom is not ‘okay’, it naturally makes them look at themselves as well. It is such a sad situation and is never what I would have wanted with the family. Just to note as well, none of the four of us are shy at all, we just are drained of energy when being around people for too long and need to energize in our solitude.

I wish you the very best.

 

[QuietCatholic]

… Rather, introversion simply means you are more focused on the internal work and gain energy from being alone. Extroverts gain personal energy from being with others. I encourage you to accept that God has given you introversion as a gift and that your personality will accomplish, for His will, what no one else will be able to accomplish, because He needs you to be who you are for the life He has called you to.
… I wish you the very best.

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who has responded to my post! I have never been part of a group like this and am warmed and heartened by the suggestions and time taken by all of you to offer them.

To lifeandhope - I feel for your situation - and can SO see that possibly happening to me someday as my work-arounds and tactics are seen as hostile or whatever they see them as. After the last visit, when I had to get in my car and go off and be alone instead of going to dinner and more shopping - and my husband explained - again - to his mother that I needed quiet time - it was clear that after so many years - she doesn’t get it - doesn’t understand me. I don’t think she ever will. I also think that she thinks she is a great communicator and excellent at bringing people ‘out of their shells’ - when in reality - at least with me - yikes. The last thing I want to be or be perceived as is a defective person that my MIL needs to fix as one of her crosses in life.

After I analyze a family reunion, and I do analyze them, minute by excruciating minute, I realize that what I seek out within the group, if there is no one I can relate to, which is usually true, is someone I can be useful to. Usually that means my brother in law who is the family “problem” - I’ve mentioned him before. But he is helping me more than the opposite. When I am in that role, I am being more me than pretending to enjoy the noisy banter of the rest of them. I also like listening to the kids - which is frowned upon - I’m not supposed to hang around them or interfere with their ‘kid time’. The reality of the situation is, there are two siblings of my husband who have always been the ‘clowns’ and ‘on stage’ and everyone else lets them perform and laughs uproariously at their stuff. For some reason, I don’t enjoy that. And certainly have nothing to add to it. And definitely have no way of being the best me I can be in the midst of that sort of - whatever it is. These same ‘funny’ people also have lots of money, as in LOTS, and make elaborate gifts to their parents and make elaborate toasts at fancy dinners. We cannot keep up with that in any way.

I am coming to believe for real, in my heart and in my head, in what you said - that “God has given you introversion as a gift and that your personality will accomplish, for His will, what no one else will be able to accomplish, because He needs you to be who you are for the life He has called you to.” I just need to figure out how to not let these events with difficult people (specifically in-laws) derail me time and time again. How can I be a joyful witness or whatever He is calling me to be when I am under so much stress and anxiety and so focused on myself?

At one point, my husband actually accused me of being a hypocrite because I had this spiritual awakening, was so focused on my faith, but wasn’t fixing the problem with his family. Fighting words, for sure. I told him I needed to have the faith and graces from God before I could even conceive of fixing the family ‘problem’. I needed to believe in and accept His unconditional powerful personal love first - before I could tackle difficult people. So I needed to focus on my faith and set the in-law problem aside. I hope I wasn’t wrong about that, it was quite a fiery fight…

Thank you, again, and God bless you and your family!

 

[lifeandhope]

After I analyze a family reunion, and I do analyze them, minute by excruciating minute… These same ‘funny’ people also have lots of money, as in LOTS, and make elaborate gifts to their parents and make elaborate toasts at fancy dinners. We cannot keep up with that in any way…
How can I be a joyful witness or whatever He is calling me to be when I am under so much stress and anxiety and so focused on myself?

At one point, my husband actually accused me of being a hypocrite because I had this spiritual awakening, was so focused on my faith, but wasn’t fixing the problem with his family. Fighting words, for sure. I told him I needed to have the faith and graces from God before I could even conceive of fixing the family ‘problem’. I needed to believe in and accept His unconditional powerful personal love first - before I could tackle difficult people. So I needed to focus on my faith and set the in-law problem aside. I hope I wasn’t wrong about that, it was quite a fiery fight…

3You must be my sister and I didn’t know it–it is uncanny how similar our situations are! Too bad we didn’t live close–we could commiserate! The one thing I would offer you is to try to get to a point where you are not apologizing for taking the time you need for yourself. Frankly, your family sounds draining, but this is coming from a fellow introvert. I have found Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is a type of Cognitive Behavior Therapy that focuses on simultaneously holding Acceptance and Change in your life, to be very helpful with anxiety. I have a genetic cancer disease and there have been periods of horrible anxiety for me, and DBT has given me the skills to cope. It does not make anxiety or bad feelings go away; rather, it allows you to accept them, ride the wave and let them run their course, and not suffer any more than necessary. You could do a web search for DBT Skills, or I could recommend some books for you (most of the books I have are clinical in nature, although I know there are some non-clinician DBT/Acceptance and Commitment Therapy books out there–you could search either DBT or ACT on Amazon and find these also.)

Hmmm, I so wish I could give you a hug!! I’m sending an electronic hug–here it is ((( you )))
Thank you, again, and God bless you and your family!

 

[Country_Gal]

I agree, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are a normal variation of the human spectrum of temperaments. You live in a culture, however, that tends to value boisterous, party till you drop behavior as the healthy norm.

I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Person
It has a lot of tips on how to deal with an extroverted culture, how to cope with situations, and most importantly, give us an awareness that we are valuable members of society just the way we are.

 

[pensmama87]

Extroverts are crazy. Try drinking. Works for me.

I come from a family of introverts (except for one of my sisters - poor girl, she thinks we’re so boring) and I married into a family of all extroverts, except My FIL. We don’t have a ton in common, but at gatherings with my husband’s family, we have found ourselves in a separate room sipping our beer and wine, quietly gearing up for another round of loud conversation. We’ve never talked about it, but we have bonded, however strangely, during those quiet moments away from the crazy where we know we don’t have to talk to each other.

 

[Country_Gal]

I have to say, a couple glasses of wine can be helpful in social situations with extoverts.

 

[lifeandhope]

God bless you, please let me clarify…
QUOTE]

I could tell you meant no insult–your kind heart comes through even the computer screen! I think we all have hearts going out to our dear, introverted friend and are trying to encourage and help. I pray that her relatives can accept her for who she is and she does not have a disasterous outcome like my situation. This is from my juvenile days, but I always think, “Can’t we all just be friends?!”

Many blessings to you!

 

[QuietCatholic]

lifeandhope:
lifeandhope: Thank you! (Again!) I will look into the DBT, always willing to give something a try along the journey to solving this problem. You are very sweet - and thank you for the cyber-hug - right back at ya! So sorry to hear that you are going through an illness, my prayers are with you.

It makes me smile to hear that we are sisters and didn’t know it - so much the same in our situations. (Not that I wish the situation on you or anyone!) ‘Not alone’ is a pretty good place to be - and that is where all of us are, us introverts in this noisy world - who are totally awesome, peaceful, thoughtful people.

:grouphug:

I will share one more thing - going back to early summer in-between the two in-law visits. I went to confession, my first time in 8 years, and poured out my heart about the situation. I don’t know what I expected the priest to say, but what he did say, was so comforting. He very gently said to me, “Baby steps.” I have to remind myself of that when I try or hope to fix things quickly, to untangle such a tangled long-term problem - so I don’t beat myself up too badly when the next visit is not glorious and angels singing and so on.

I wish you peace :hug1:

 

[QuietCatholic]

I have enjoyed reading this thread. I am an introvert also and my in-laws also live far away but are constantly planning times when they are in town with multiple parties and get-togethers planned in the span of a few days. I dread it, much like you, for months ahead of time. I just don’t enjoy it.

I would only add that it may be good to assert yourself and just be straightforward if you can’t make every single event, or if you need to leave early, etc. I make an effort but it is positively excruciating at times. They are adults and can surely understand that everyone is different and may not enjoy the same activities or may feel overwhelmed with too many events. I totally understand.

This is good advice - and nice to hear from someone else in a similar situation. Thank you! I think the additional difficulty when dealing with especially my MIL is that she attaches all sorts of “shoulds” to situations - that one “should” put up and suck it up even if it is excruciating - so when I do what you and I see as sensible and right - taking care of myself because I am no good to anyone when overwhelmed - she sees it as “wrong”. I guess I need to not care what she thinks - more important what God thinks, right?

 

[QuietCatholic]

It is you’re husband’s role to manage his family and keep them out of your hairs. Make sure he knows your concerns, so that you know he has your back next time your family is visiting.

Perhaps you and your husband could stay at a hotel while visiting them. When visiting, you would then have the option of “turning in early”, while your husband could choose to stay later. In return, your husband could offer to put his family up in a hotel when they visit, perhaps gently explaining that the two of you need extra space. Sure, they may be slightly offended, but why should their offense trump your discomfort?

Thank you for bringing that up. It is his job to keep things from escalating. It took a long time in our early marriage for that to happen as he is by nature a “peacemaker” - and that doesn’t work when the peace is attempted between mother and bride.

But - yes. You are correct. He has come a long way. I do like the idea of hotel rooms. The positive of having the whole noisy family together at once is my well-to-do siblings-in-law can easily pay for a room for us (they do it without our asking) and I feel no guilt whatsoever because I know it’s a pittance to them. It is a blessing to have that place to go to when needed for quiet and recharging. If we’re in one of their homes, or they’re in ours - well - there is no house big enough and how much time can a person really spend in the bathroom w/o causing concern? Sigh.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I have to say, a couple glasses of wine can be helpful in social situations with extoverts.

CG is right. My husband is an introvert, but much closer to being extroverted than I. He actually taught me this trick. The goal isn’t to be drunk or even tipsy–it’s to relax enough that I feel slightly more comfortable in a group of very extroverted people. Works, too, though it isn’t feasible for me at the moment…sigh…

 

[QuietCatholic]

I agree, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are a normal variation of the human spectrum of temperaments. You live in a culture, however, that tends to value boisterous, party till you drop behavior as the healthy norm.

I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Person
It has a lot of tips on how to deal with an extroverted culture, how to cope with situations, and most importantly, give us an awareness that we are valuable members of society just the way we are.

Thank you for the response. I have read The Highly Sensitive Person - and I, too, recommend it! I think Highly Sensitive is a step beyond introverted and I’m there. It is possible to cope day by day once you are aware of what’s going on, which is really very empowering and hope-giving.

 

[QuietCatholic]

God bless you, please let me clarify…

Dear QuietCatholic: of course there is nothing wrong with your personality, forgive me if I gave you the impression that I believed that there was. God of course gave you the beautiful gift of your temperament! Your beautiful gift of introversion is meant to be a part of your personality and a part of you and there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But being an introvert does not mean that you have to live with the level of anxiety that you do.

What I meant to suggest was that anxiety and panic attacks are real and there is help available for them should that be what you are experiencing. This is why it is best to see your physician who knows YOU. When you used the words “sleepless nights, anxiety, paralysis” and suggested that coping was very difficult for you I felt very bad for you and suggested seeing your family doctor. Being an introvert does not mean living with anxiety. I speak from personal experience so I wanted to share.

You mentioned feeling so stressed out after a family outing that you sat in the dark bathtub and fell apart and wept, I felt so bad for you. Just because God gave you the gift of an introverted personality does not mean you have to live with this kind of stress that is all I mean to say. Seeking medical advice is simply to cope with anxiety issues not to change your beautiful personality which is of course a gift from God. Hope this helps a little God bless you.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern and feel it coming from your heart. I have a lot of hope going forward as I place this problem before the Lord - and also take all of the kind suggestions and advice with me into my next round with my husband’s family. God bless you, too!

 

[QuietCatholic]

I come from a family of introverts (except for one of my sisters - poor girl, she thinks we’re so boring) and I married into a family of all extroverts, except My FIL. We don’t have a ton in common, but at gatherings with my husband’s family, we have found ourselves in a separate room sipping our beer and wine, quietly gearing up for another round of loud conversation. We’ve never talked about it, but we have bonded, however strangely, during those quiet moments away from the crazy where we know we don’t have to talk to each other.

I can picture that very clearly, you and your FIL, gearing up together in silent solidarity. That would help a lot, to have someone like that. I guess my FIL is the most likely person for me to find that with - though he is a mingler in the group and seems to have his mind on the next conversation or whatnot whenever he is with me - so I don’t think he is really there with me, really listening. Not much listening really goes on in that group. I try to, but it’s like my ‘listening tank’ starts filling up and filling up and then - FULL! And then I need a nap. :yawn:

 

[QuietCatholic]

CG is right. My husband is an introvert, but much closer to being extroverted than I. He actually taught me this trick. The goal isn’t to be drunk or even tipsy–it’s to relax enough that I feel slightly more comfortable in a group of very extroverted people. Works, too, though it isn’t feasible for me at the moment…sigh…

A glass of wine, though I don’t actually enjoy it much, does help to relax me. There was one event, just before Christmas, and we were gathered at this country club, all dressed up, at a long table in dim light. I was carefully seated around comfortable people for the most part, and had one glass of wine. I was able to avoid the awkward piercing stuff my MIL throws at me and actually got through the evening quite nicely. At the end of that - with two more days to go - I thought, if only this was the end of it, it would have been a success.

(Congratulations on the baby! )

 

[UbiCaritas]

A glass of wine, though I don’t actually enjoy it much, does help to relax me. There was one event, just before Christmas, and we were gathered at this country club, all dressed up, at a long table in dim light. I was carefully seated around comfortable people for the most part, and had one glass of wine. I was able to avoid the awkward piercing stuff my MIL throws at me and actually got through the evening quite nicely. At the end of that - with two more days to go - I thought, if only this was the end of it, it would have been a success.

(Congratulations on the baby! )

Thanks!

Of course, if you’re not into the taste of wine, feel free to substitute a couple of beers/a margarita/whatever your preference might be. I liked the taste of wine and certain hard liquors, but I can’t stand the taste or smell of scotch and found beer to be a very acquired taste, though there are several I like now. Makes that sort of evening so much easier, I must say…