Introverted parents

[ellen42]

Are there any really introverted parents here? Not just “I like my quiet time” introvert, but serious “I don’t like extended periods with a group of people” introverted. I was thinking about this recently, as that will probably be us in the future and I was wondering if people have any advice on how to make it work. Step one is clearly not to have 12 kids, but other than that.

Obviously you can’t tell a toddler to play quietly while you have quiet time in the other room when they’re in the “Put everything in my mouth” phase or the “Find new and inventive ways to hurt myself” phase, but are there ways to make it work?

 

[Debora123]

Are there any really introverted parents here? Not just “I like my quiet time” introvert, but serious “I don’t like extended periods with a group of people” introverted. I was thinking about this recently, as that will probably be us in the future and I was wondering if people have any advice on how to make it work. Step one is clearly not to have 12 kids, but other than that.

Obviously you can’t tell a toddler to play quietly while you have quiet time in the other room when they’re in the “Put everything in my mouth” phase or the “Find new and inventive ways to hurt myself” phase, but are there ways to make it work?

I’m sure that once you actually HAVE a child, you’ll find her/his “play noise” absolutely adorable.

I honestly wouldn’t worry about things like that right now.

 

[MrsFlapjack]

Are there any really introverted parents here? Not just “I like my quiet time” introvert, but serious “I don’t like extended periods with a group of people” introverted. I was thinking about this recently, as that will probably be us in the future and I was wondering if people have any advice on how to make it work. Step one is clearly not to have 12 kids, but other than that.

Obviously you can’t tell a toddler to play quietly while you have quiet time in the other room when they’re in the “Put everything in my mouth” phase or the “Find new and inventive ways to hurt myself” phase, but are there ways to make it work?

I am an extremely introverted person, but my kids don’t bother me at all. On the other hand, I am horrible at conversations with other adults, so if my kids are invited to a birthday party, I usually sit by myself somewhere and watch them play. The other parents are all striking up conversations and talking, but I don’t feel as if I fit in well. Making conversations is not one of my strengths, so I avoid situations during which I may have to talk to other adults. For example, we recently lived in a house for 7 years. During that time, I may have talked to a neighbor three or four times. And they approached me, it was never the other way around.

I do feel that it does hurt the kids to some extent. It is harder for them to make friends if they have a mom who doesn’t like to meet other parents. My kids would definitely have more friends if I was more willing to go out and meet people.

 

[ellen42]

I’m sure that once you actually HAVE a child, you’ll find her/his “play noise” absolutely adorable.

I know you mean well, but “It’s different when they’re your own” is not really helpful and actually gets annoying at times.

Also, playing quietly and playing silently are two different things. It was more of a “Hey, go amuse yourself without making a huge racket for a while” point. I don’t think I could be constantly entertaining/interacting with the kid, which I know you don’t do at all times, but what about the times when the kid wants to interact with me, but I’m not in a social mood?

I do feel that it does hurt the kids to some extent. It is harder for them to make friends if they have a mom who doesn’t like to meet other parents. My kids would definitely have more friends if I was more willing to go out and meet people.

I know I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, mainly because my head was usually in a book, but I never thought that my mother had anything to do with that directly. Unless you’re also very overprotective and they’re never out of your sight (which, depending on their age, might be perfectly normal), I’m lacking the imagination to think about how you’re really hurting their social lives in that way.

 

[Eleanor61]

I am a serious introvert. Autism-spectrum Asperger’s in fact. I dislike people in general and my social interactions are strictly limited. My relationship with my husband more than meets my need for socialization.
I have been married 30 years and have five children, 28-13. I never liked other people’s children in the abtract, but when I have had opportunities to teach, whether CCD or high school English, I have always found it easy to care about and identify with the kids, my problems were with the adults in authority.
I found my own children fascinating. Biological children tend to be like their parents, so they will probably be less demanding than you anticipate. Our two youngest are adopted and they have been just as enjoyable as the others, maybe more so, as they have better dispositions and personalities.
You cannot tell how you will react to your own children, but it will almost certainly be a more positive experience than you anticipate. It is adults who actually cause irritation for introverts!
As for time to yourself, that is a problem for all parents. You may be able to work something out, but raising children does require some sacrifice of ourselves and our preferences. The benefits far outweigh the costs.

 

[Eleanor61]

I do agree that an introverted mother can have an effect on her children’s social opportunities. I homeschooled all of mine, and our socialization was limited to families that I found particularly congenial, which weren’t many. The older ones were very close in age and had each other, which helped, and they did have a few good friends, but people often moved away and we had to try again, which was hard for me.

The younger children, being more sociable and outgoing, have a far easier time making friends. They have kids over a lot which is hard on me, but good for them. Another opportunity for sacrificial giving!

Also, it seems as if today, far more of children’s lives are orchestrated by their parents, sports, lessons, etc. willingness to be a team mom or homeroom mother, give parties, and be otherwise extremely involved would seem more necessary than in my day.

 

[Debora123]

I know you mean well, but “It’s different when they’re your own” is not really helpful and actually gets annoying at times.

Also, playing quietly and playing silently are two different things. It was more of a “Hey, go amuse yourself without making a huge racket for a while” point. I don’t think I could be constantly entertaining/interacting with the kid, which I know you don’t do at all times, but what about the times when the kid wants to interact with me, but I’m not in a social mood?

But that’s the thing, interacting with your OWN children is really not a “social thing,” something you probably won’t understand until you have your own kids… but since you don’t like it when people say those types of things to you then I don’t know how to help ya.

If you honestly think you can’t have kids, then don’t have kids.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But that’s the thing, interacting with your OWN children is really not a “social thing,” something you probably won’t understand until you have your own kids… but since you don’t like it when people say those types of things to you then I don’t know how to help ya.

If you honestly think you can’t have kids, then don’t have kids.

As a Catholic, if she believes this, then she isn’t to be married either. Not having kids doesn’t amount to for Catholics.

 

[Debora123]

As a Catholic, if she believes this, then she isn’t to be married either. Not having kids doesn’t amount to for Catholics.

From what I understand she ISN’T married.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From what I understand she ISN’T married.

She didn’t specify that. We shouldn’t seem to condone staying childless in any case, because that involves either extended abstinence or using artificial birth control.

 

[Debora123]

She didn’t specify that. We shouldn’t seem to condone staying childless in any case, because that involves either extended abstinence or using artificial birth control.

My bad, my advice was to someone whom I believed to be a single woman.

 

[ellen42]

But that’s the thing, interacting with your OWN children is really not a “social thing,” something you probably won’t understand until you have your own kids… but since you don’t like it when people say those types of things to you then I don’t know how to help ya.

If you honestly think you can’t have kids, then don’t have kids.

Okay… I didn’t say that…

From what I understand she ISN’T married.

…or that…

From what I’ve gathered, the “It’s different when it’s your own” line seems to mean “I can’t really explain” at best, which I’m willing to stipulate here. At worst, it gets brought out when people start talking about never having children because they don’t like other people’s children. I’ve not made any comments about never having kids, and my husband and I are certainly not trying to avoid at the moment. I’m just not big on hanging around other people for extended periods of time – adult, children, whoever. It’s not about social interaction or conversations and small talk or polite society – it’s the presence of another person in the room that I can only take so much of at a time. My husband and I are both like that, and we deal with it by not being attached at the hip and doing stuff in different rooms for a while.

 

[ellen42]

I do agree that an introverted mother can have an effect on her children’s social opportunities. I homeschooled all of mine, and our socialization was limited to families that I found particularly congenial, which weren’t many. The older ones were very close in age and had each other, which helped, and they did have a few good friends, but people often moved away and we had to try again, which was hard for me.

The younger children, being more sociable and outgoing, have a far easier time making friends. They have kids over a lot which is hard on me, but good for them. Another opportunity for sacrificial giving!

Also, it seems as if today, far more of children’s lives are orchestrated by their parents, sports, lessons, etc. willingness to be a team mom or homeroom mother, give parties, and be otherwise extremely involved would seem more necessary than in my day.

In that situation, I can understand the affect. I’m planning on not homeschooling and not over-structuring their lives. However, the people with the best plans how to be the best parents are those who don’t have any kids yet. I’m sort of afraid of them being much less introverted than I am – I’d be happy pushing them to go do their own thing (so that I can do my own thing), but I can see that backfiring when they’re more interested in what I’m doing.

 

[Debora123]

Okay… I didn’t say that…

…or that…

From what I’ve gathered, the “It’s different when it’s your own” line seems to mean “I can’t really explain” at best, which I’m willing to stipulate here. At worst, it gets brought out when people start talking about never having children because they don’t like other people’s children. I’ve not made any comments about never having kids, and my husband and I are certainly not trying to avoid at the moment. I’m just not big on hanging around other people for extended periods of time – adult, children, whoever. It’s not about social interaction or conversations and small talk or polite society – it’s the presence of another person in the room that I can only take so much of at a time. My husband and I are both like that, and we deal with it by not being attached at the hip and doing stuff in different rooms for a while.

Well you don’t have to be a stay at home mom. Would it be enough if you found a nanny you trusted to watch over your kids while you were off doing your own thing or at work?

 

[KCT]

Hopefully your husband will understand your temperament and take the kids so you can have some quiet time in the evening. Hopefully there will also be time after the kids are in bed.

Do you require quiet time all throughout the day? I found evenings and periodic, solitary shopping trips worked for me.

 

[trials]

Hi, I’m an introverted mom of three, and also I’m an only child so would have been used to plenty of solitary time when I was younger, and I still have the need for time-outs now.

However, the children have never bothered me in that sense - never. I get my own time in the evening when they’re in bed and that suits me perfectly.

The only side of parenting that bothered my introverted nature is for example - mother and toddler groups - hate them, or the increase in visits from in-laws and relations I wouldn’t have much to say to - and for the same reason - kids’ birthdays and Christmas time - not keen on those either. Not because of the children, but because of the forced-together family aspect of it, which just doesn’t suit my personality one bit. In fact I downplay the events so much, I’ve probably garnered a reputation as a Scrooge - but it’s not that at all, I would do special things I know my kids would love, but just could do without the awkward socialising part of it all.

Saying that, knowing this in advance of my being a mother would not change things one bit for me, my kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me - and I thank God for them and pray for more everyday.

 

[NightHawk2005]

I know you mean well, but “It’s different when they’re your own” is not really helpful and actually gets annoying at times.

I don’t really buy that “it’s different when they’re your own”. I think if you don’t like it when it’s someone else’s, you won’t like it when it’s yours. All that’s different when it’s your own is you have all the responsibilities.

 

[Debora123]

I don’t really buy that “it’s different when they’re your own”. I think if you don’t like it when it’s someone else’s, you won’t like it when it’s yours. All that’s different when it’s your own is you have all the responsibilities.

I actually disagree.

I really really don’t like other people’s children. And while I don’t have any children of my own yet, I do have a brother who is 12 years younger than I, and I did have a lot of baby cousins when I was growing up.

And let me tell you, I was absolutely CRAZY about my little bro and my little baby cousins. As for my friends’ kids, or better yet, stranger’s kids? Keep them awayyyyy from me, lol.

 

[armywife]

I don’t really buy that “it’s different when they’re your own”. I think if you don’t like it when it’s someone else’s, you won’t like it when it’s yours. All that’s different when it’s your own is you have all the responsibilities.

You may not buy it now, but it’s true. I don’t really like other people’s kids. It’s actually something I confess about because I’m always coming up with snarky things about other people’s kids. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have precious snowflakes or anything. My own kids bug me sometimes, but they are MINE and it does make a difference.

To the OP: if you can stand being married, then you can stand have kids. There’s nothing wrong with putting baby in a playpen or crib to play on their own. I do that all the time. Also, have two or three. It will be harder at first but then they play with each other. My kids hardly ask me to play with them, although they do appreciate some one-on-one once in a while.

 

[NightHawk2005]

You may not buy it now, but it’s true. I don’t really like other people’s kids. It’s actually something I confess about because I’m always coming up with snarky things about other people’s kids. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have precious snowflakes or anything. My own kids bug me sometimes, but they are MINE and it does make a difference.

Well, maybe it’s true for a few, but I’d bet for the majority, it wouldn’t be. I know for me, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.