When I was a child I had a problem with impure actions with myself. It really was a bad habit that happened quite often. What’s bothering me is that I just recalled an occasion where it happend in church.
I’ve learned to rejoice when these ‘seemingly trivial’ things come into my mind - cuz it means that the Holy Spirit is ‘stirring me’ further to be made ‘white as snow’. When I keep my desire strong to be cleansed, the Holy Spirit retrieves those things that Ego/I would keep hidden. Just because something is ‘out of mind’ doesn’t mean that my life/spiritual life isn’t affected by the hidden shame. The Holy Spirit convicts with Love, not condemnation. Shows me what’s in the way of drawing closer to Chirst and His Promises.
Earlier this year, I made an appointment with a psychologist to do a confession on sexual matters that I’d been ‘collecting’ through convictions (like sexual fantasies … and more) but didn’t know where to drop them. The path opened and I did it. It’s like there’s an invisible alter between me and the other person where I place my filthy rags and the Holy Spirit washes them and gives them back. Ignorant Ego calls it ‘relief’. It is Divine Forgiveness. “Don’t miss it even if you can.”
A couple of days ago, I was doing research on the Wind Gods (Notus, Boreas, etc.) and there was one called Lips as an evil wind. Struck me odd. Researched further and then was suddenly convicted of ‘where my lips had been’. Thud. All the sexual impurity I’d confessed and it never, ever occurred to me in life to think about the lips that profess the Trinity were as impure as some of the words that once denied the Truth of Christ.
I know that when I’m faithful to surrender the ‘little’ things (as Ego calls them) that the Holy Spirit brings to mind, as well as the biggies, the Process continues and I grow. It’s an interesting ‘skimming process’ that never ceases to amaze me. Awareness is the answer; willingness the key. Sometimes I’ll be driving and an ‘insignificant’ memory will come back to me. I say it out loud and then write it down first chance I get or Ego will bury it again. The ‘insignificant’ can be a worm for catching a big fish (as well as worthwile on its own). And the willingness to surrender the ‘small’ grows courage for the heavy. “Line upon line … here a little, there a little.”
I know, from experience, that a priest is not required for confession. “Confess to one another.” Helpful in some circumstances, but not required. Forgiveness comes from Within by the Power of the Holy Spirit. No ‘absolution’ by another person needed. When I’m willing to ‘off-load’, the Holy Spirit provides the other person/forum/avenue to do so. One guy felt ‘pulled’ to confess a particular thing to a stranger on a bus. Forgiveness came for him. Following the Holy Spirit’s lead is ever so fascinating.
One of the many ways that Ego seeks to keep me imprisoned is to say, “You don’t have to say that part, it’s not important.” I may have to drag some details out kicking and screaming, but out they come. I desire to the Healed. To get All, I must give all. The Holy Spirit knows when I’ve withheld something
that I’m aware of - and withholds Healing on that issue till I 'fess up all that I know. I learned that by trying ‘short-cuts’ early on.
Yesterday I was watching “Clash of the Gods” on H2. This one had to do with Zeus ravishing/raping Medusa in the temple of Athena. While Zeus not being punished was because he was a god and expected to do such things (so they said), I found the explanation interesting of why Medusa was punished. They said that because the temple was for the purpose of cleansing sin, Medusa had defiled the place set aside for Cleansing.
I don’t
know if that’s why you feel an extra layer of conviction, but it’s a possibility. It isn’t so much about the ‘building’ being a church in particular but that 'when two or more gather together in My Name, I am there." Blasphemy on top of personal defilement as prodded by Ego. (I can see it being the same thing as if two people went off to the bathroom together while gathered at someone’s house for a Bible study, for instance, or a spiritual retreat. Satan must particularly rejoice on those occasions.)
Not that
you knew it was blasphemy at that age, but the devil within surely knew. I’m not held accountable for what the deceitful heart tells me or tries to get me to do, but I
am guilty when I entertain the thoughts or following them into action. For those times I am responsible. Just like the ‘lips’ thing - I didn’t know until the Holy Spirit told me.
Since discovering the Path of the Bible, the framework I use is: When I die and get to the part where they play back my life of sins - I want it to be a blank screen.
I’m not there yet, but I keep working.
I haven’t been back to Catholic Answers in quite a while but an email came from here today and I felt pulled to visit. Another case of, “What I say is what
I most need to hear.” It wasn’t until the program on H2 yesterday came into my mind that I recognized why your post gave me the ‘pull’ to write. There is something in this ‘blasphemy’ thing for me that is trying to surface. My initial impression is that the several times I committed adultery when younger (I was single) - that somehow coming between two people who had gathered ‘in His name’ is where the deeper sin may lie. Never thought of it as blasphemy before - and I may be off base (perhaps there is something else I need to be willing to remember). Will do some research.
The Holy Spirit is active within you. Yeah! The angels celebrate your courage to investigate the ‘niggling’ on this issue. Keep going - it’s gets amazing.
Thank you for being a catalyst for more inner healing within me.
Jeanne
