Invited to same-sex wedding, wwyd?

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My husband has worked for 13 years with a dear woman who happens to be a lesbian. She has had the same partner for the entire 13 years and they are now “marrying.”

We are, for multiple reasons, one of which is our faith, not attending.

However, this woman has always been a good friend to my husband. She sent lovely gifts when all four of our kids were born, brought us dinner while I recovered from childbirth, always remembers my husband’s birthday at work, attended my husband’s dad’s funeral and sent a beautiful flower arrangement, and is overall someone we like on a personal level very much. She was the first one to make me feel comfortable at office parties and is just overall a sweet person with a very thoughtful heart.

I know etiquette says that a wedding invitation means we send a gift, whether or not we attend. This is the rule I follow, but I am having a hard time determining what our faith leads us to do. Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!
 
Yes, you are right not to attend and sending a gift is a sign of acceptence and congrats of the marriage.

You want to always show your faith openly…but we don’t want to purposley start a fight , or cause hurt.

I understand that she’s probably a good person and involved with your lives…that’s great.

Personally, I would send a religous gift such as a mass card, a picture of divine mercy, prayer book, etc etc…something that does not connect with marriage or family (like a holy family picture, a marital poem picture etc etc …as these would depict you see a marriage or family forming through this “marriage”). Also, a loving card would be very appropriate thanking her for being such a great friend and wishing her to find Truth and happieness in life and that it can only be found in Christ.

Be gentle and loving in whatever you do… I wouldin’t really acknowledge the other partner if you don’t really know them…simply be there for your friend in the card or gift. If she asks about how you feel about the whole matter… I think you are obligated to have that talk with her (so be ready) . But like some of the homosexual friends, she may not care what you think…which is just fine.

Be gentle, loving and wishing that Christ will move her heart and mind closer to Himself and you have to stand up for what is right and good at the same time.

Good luck to you .

Michael
 
It would be a question with your priest, go talk to him

I understand your struggle but have you made sure that she understand that you don’t support their decision for the sake of God and the well being of their souls?

I would feel that i am witnessing a horrible sin and not to count the danger they put both their soul if they don’t repent before their death.

I would pray for her and her friend.

They don’t get it, that this is wrong but you can pray for them and maybe with God’s grace they will.

Speaking for me, i wouldn’t be able to go because i understand that gravity of their decision.

I am not able to lie either and i wouldn’t be happy at all for them due that i know what wouldn’t happened to those poor souls after death. How, can i be happy for them? If anything i would cry and be worry and pray without cease for their own sake.

p.s. I wouldn’t send a gift either but i agree to send something for her birthday or Christmas instead.
 
The thing is that she really isn’t getting married. Even though that is what she calls it.

So no, do not send a gift, that would just look like you agree with a lesbian ‘so called marriage’.

I understand your love for her. And you can send her gifts on other occasions like her birthday and Christmas, etc… But true love doesn’t validate a lie.

You can either tell her how this is moral situation you cannot condone or you can just quietly let the whole thing slide.
 
Hmmm, this is a difficult one. Most definitely talk to your Priest. I would be very much leaning towards at least sending a small token, not because you agree with this marriage but because you list so many kind things that she has done for you and your family and your husband. As an above poster said it doesn’t have to be something traditionally marriage related but it non descript best wishes shrug I’m not sure. I do know even when I disagree with someone’s actions I always try to be kind to those who were kind to me. If I were you I would be trying to figure out how to be kind at a level that you were comfortable with.
 
JackieMom said:
What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.
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You are not obliged to say why you are not attending, so I wouldn’t worry about what she thinks. Maybe you will have the conversation about SSM in the future and you can explain your views without making it personal.

I’d send a card and write ‘Thinking of you’ or something like that. Because you will be thinking of her - praying for her. No gift. That is what I did in the same situation. Hope this helps.
 
newf said:
The thing is that she really isn’t getting married. Even though that is what she calls it.

So no, do not send a gift, that would just look like you agree with a lesbian ‘so called marriage’.

I understand your love for her. And you can send her gifts on other occasions like her birthday and Christmas, etc… But true love doesn’t validate a lie.

You can either tell her how this is moral situation you cannot condone or you can just quietly let the whole thing slide.
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+1

It sounds like she is a very nice person and you should be grateful for her thoughtfulness and kindness regardless of choices she makes in other parts of life. In the past have you expressed your thankfulness to her? If not, why not? Now is certainly not the time to do it. Same-sex marriage is a mockery to marriage (even if the couple involved may not be aware), and there is nothing to celebrate. After this occasion, you should find ways to let your friend know you appreciate her and are thankful for her friendship. If you can let her know this now without doing anything that may be misconstrued as support for her “marriage”, go ahead, but if it could be misinterpreted as congratulatory for her “marriage” even if you don’t say it literally, I would avoid it.
Now, if you have been showing your appreciation all along, and continue to do so after this occasion, then hopefully she will understand that you do care for her and appreciate her even if you do not celebrate the situation.
 
JackieMom said:
My husband has worked for 13 years with a dear woman who happens to be a lesbian. She has had the same partner for the entire 13 years and they are now “marrying.”

We are, for multiple reasons, one of which is our faith, not attending.

However, this woman has always been a good friend to my husband. She sent lovely gifts when all four of our kids were born, brought us dinner while I recovered from childbirth, always remembers my husband’s birthday at work, attended my husband’s dad’s funeral and sent a beautiful flower arrangement, and is overall someone we like on a personal level very much. She was the first one to make me feel comfortable at office parties and is just overall a sweet person with a very thoughtful heart.

I know etiquette says that a wedding invitation means we send a gift, whether or not we attend. This is the rule I follow, but I am having a hard time determining what our faith leads us to do. Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!
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She knows you are Catholic and that is all she needs to know to realize that you cannot attend or agree with her actions. A good friend (if she is that to your husband) would not ask him to violate his religious beliefs. She extended the invitation, now you politely decline. No fuss, no muss. Real friends will accept you for who you are, and you must be willing to stand in public as a Catholic, and not hide in your own closet. 🙂 If you feel the need to say or send anything, send a note card offering her prayers for that day. What better gift could there be?

edited to add: please don’t send the card if it could be misconstrued as acceptance of the ceremony. After posting that I realized how any card could potentially be misconstrued but was the reason why I suggested a simple note code.
 
I recommend talking to your priest about this. I don’t know that there is any “official” answer that is going to tell you exactly what to do. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to attend the ceremony or let on that you think there’s nothing wrong with it, but you’re not doing that.

EDIT: Do most people still follow that etiquette of sending a gift even if they cannot attend? I know I certainly didn’t get a gift from everyone (or anyone, for that matter) who I sent a wedding invitation to that didn’t come to my wedding. 🤷

Of course, if she has been given you gifts in the past for major events and even remembers your husband’s birthday, then that might change the expectations and make it more noticeable if you don’t get her something.

Sending a religious gift sounds nice, but then I think that might come across as though you as devout Catholics believe that God is blessing their union. 🤷
 
DaddyGirl said:
So…if the couple were heterosexual and Catholic, but getting married in a non-church wedding…she would not send a gift in that case, either?

Because that couple wouldn’t really be getting “married” either…and she’d be supporting the sin of baptized Catholics getting married outside the Church…?
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No, you are incorrect. A marriage is between a man and a woman. Baptized heterosexual Catholics getting married outside the church is still a marriage. And there is hope that one day they will make things right with the church. With homosexual ‘so called marriage’ there is no hope for getting it right with the church because there is no marriage to begin with.

Two different situations here.
 
JackieMom said:
My husband has worked for 13 years with a dear woman who happens to be a lesbian. She has had the same partner for the entire 13 years and they are now “marrying.”

We are, for multiple reasons, one of which is our faith, not attending.

However, this woman has always been a good friend to my husband. She sent lovely gifts when all four of our kids were born, brought us dinner while I recovered from childbirth, always remembers my husband’s birthday at work, attended my husband’s dad’s funeral and sent a beautiful flower arrangement, and is overall someone we like on a personal level very much. She was the first one to make me feel comfortable at office parties and is just overall a sweet person with a very thoughtful heart.

I know etiquette says that a wedding invitation means we send a gift, whether or not we attend. This is the rule I follow, but I am having a hard time determining what our faith leads us to do. Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!
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Oh, rest assured, it WILL hurt her feelings and may end the friendship. If you are ready to accept that consequence as a result of not sending a gift, then go for it. But the relationship will never be the same.

🤷

I guess I’d ask your priest. I know that if my husband were in the same situation, he’d definitely send a gift, but he’s not into the Church’s rules. For me, it would be a dilemma. Just know that you won’t have the same relationship with her if you don’t send a gift.
 
It would be rude not to acknowledge the invitation even if you don’t believe in the marriage. However, they’ve lived together for 13 years and presumably don’t need the “establish the household” type of gifts. As an aside, my husband and I married in a small family only civil ceremony and did not register for gifts. It was my first marriage and his second- I didn’t feel it was appropriate to have the trappings of a traditional wedding (outside of the church). That said, sending flowers or an edible arrangement to celebrate your friendship with this woman would be fine IMHO.
 
DaddyGirl said:
So…if the couple were heterosexual and Catholic, but getting married in a non-church wedding…she would not send a gift in that case, either?

Because that couple wouldn’t really be getting “married” either…and she’d be supporting the sin of baptized Catholics getting married outside the Church…?/QUOTE

if she murdered someone would she send a gift congradulating her,obviously no. but sending a card praying for her would not be condoning the murder.
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MichaelHowling said:
Personally, I would send a religous gift such as a Mass card, a picture of divine mercy, prayer book, etc etc…something that does not connect with marriage or family (like a holy family picture, a marital poem picture etc etc …as these would depict you see a marriage or family forming through this “marriage”). Also, a loving card would be very appropriate thanking her for being such a great friend and wishing her to find Truth and happieness in life and that it can only be found in Christ.

l
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This would be very rude. They aren’t Catholics and what use would they have for a picture of the Divine Mercy? It would be as if you were there telling them, “God is watching you!” To send a card with a preachy message, also rude.

Please do not consider this OP.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
This would be very rude. They aren’t Catholics and what use would they have for a picture of the Divine Mercy? It would be as if you were there telling them, “God is watching you!” To send a card with a preachy message, also rude.

Please do not consider this OP.
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Yeah, I’m not going to send an “underlying message gift.” I wouldn’t even give a Catholic couple a picture of the divine mercy unless it was on their registry.

Thank you for all your replies. Rest assured we are praying for this woman, but seeing as she is in her late 50s and perfectly happy with her life, I don’t think there is much I can do in reality to change her mind.

And honestly I do NOT want to be rude to this woman or make life difficult for my husband, who spends 50 hours a week with her!
 
JackieMom said:
Yeah, I’m not going to send an “underlying message gift.” I wouldn’t even give a Catholic couple a picture of the divine mercy unless it was on their registry.

Thank you for all your replies. Rest assured we are praying for this woman, but seeing as she is in her late 50s and perfectly happy with her life, I don’t think there is much I can do in reality to change her mind.

And honestly I do NOT want to be rude to this woman or make life difficult for my husband, who spends 50 hours a week with her!
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I just do not see how you can avoid sending some sort of gift, because it’s going to look an awfully lot like looking down on her since there has been a lot of giving from her side.

I know the other posters are going to climb down my throat but these are the situations where it’s just not clear cut. Your priest may have some ideas and help for you.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I just do not see how you can avoid sending some sort of gift, because it’s going to look an awfully lot like looking down on her since there has been a lot of giving from her side.

I know the other posters are going to climb down my throat but these are the situations where it’s just not clear cut. Your priest may have some ideas and help for you.
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Yes, I think this is a matter of prudential judgment. Refusing to send a gift might just cause a strained work environment and leave a sour taste in her mouth when it comes to Catholicism. That’s not exactly helping build up the Kingdom.
 
Joe_5859 said:
Yes, I think this is a matter of prudential judgment. Refusing to send a gift might just cause a strained work environment and leave a sour taste in her mouth when it comes to Catholicism. That’s not exactly helping build up the Kingdom.
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I’m about 99.5% sure it will cause awkwardness, at least, and hostility and loss of relationship is likely. This woman is a nice person, and means no harm to the social order or the OP and her husband. That’s not to say that what she is doing is right, but it’s likely that she knows no better.
 
IMHO would you go to a Buddhist one? A Hindi? Sikh? Jewish? Muslim? Civil at the courthouse? None of these fit the requirements for a Catholic wedding, yet we attend. Be there, be Catholic, be prayerful, and if questioned, tell people you will discuss it later, not at he reception as that would be tacky.
 
Send a nice “all purpose” type card (no wedding card), addressing her only and not her partner.

Write something like “Dear SoAndSo, we cannot attend this event due to our religious convictions. We will be thinking of you and we hope you have a happy day. Thank you so much for your friendship and your kindness for the past 13 years.” (Or perhaps take out the first part completely if you think it best not to mention why you are skipping.)

…And with that include a donation to some type of charity you think she’d like, that would mean something to her. For example, if she loves dogs send her a charity donation to a humane society or something.

BTW, this was totally not my idea. LaSainte gave someone else this exact suggestion on another thread and I thought it was perfect! 🙂
 
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